Car Problems and Funny Nana

Well, I hope everybody's Christmas wasn't as crappy as mine. I got Good Joe to look at my car, and he had some bad news for me. Apparently, both tires, as a general rule, are supposed to be pointing in the same direction. Well, to sum up, mine aren't. They are pointing in the same general direction, which is positive. But Joe says that that kind of stuff causes the car to shake and rattle, which is the number one reason for all car failure. Also, the axle is bent and the oil pan is dented. And the window is still broken. But I actually got a piece of plastic to stay up there. This now, however, is very inconvenient for a number of things. For instance, I was driving for a while and decided to chew a piece of gum. Well, when I was ready to spit it out, I turned around toward the back seat out of habit, and realized that this path was no longer an option. And I still can't really roll down my front window. So I would have to reach over to my passenger side window, and stretch out my arm all that way, while trying to hold my newly disaligned steering wheel from veering into either of the two lanes on the sides of me where people were driving a lot faster than me. So I swallowed it. And that's another thing. I drive a lot slower now. I want to be fully prepared when my front left tire flies off my car. I actually spend a good amount of time out on the road looking for safe places to steer toward when it happens. And the car really doesn't shake a lot more or do any other random funky thing that it didn't before, but now I'm more scared about it. I guess I just have to get louder speakers. That'll fix those noises.

So Christmas night rolled around and I didn't get that brand new Oldsmobile rear driver's side window under the tree. Or any volleyball team. Oh well. So as I was leaving, I decided to try to duct tape some plastic to my window. I asked Char (my sis) if she had any duct tape, to which she said that she had just seen some in my old room and borrowed it...


Quote Of the Day 12/28/98

Char: "Yeah, we have some. I just abducted some duct tape."
Nana: "So now it's just tape."


That's right! Even my grandma's funny.


Funkier than most dirt,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fishtailing Fun

Well, I'm going to be the first person (probably not) to warn you all about driving in the snow. And here's why... First of all, I got out to my car this morning and had to wipe about 3 inches of it off my roof, windshield, hood, and back seat. That was the easy part. Then I set off to go back home. Well, all yesterday, Joe was driving like a little wus and I was making fun of him. It's just a little snow. Pansy. Well, not more than 2 minutes after I eventually started moving in the car, I was fishtailing leaving UMBC toward Giant. It was a rather harmless fishtail, as fishtails go. I was still going the direction I was supposed to be going, my tires just weren't pointed that way. No biggy. Well, then my tires finally caught, and I started going the direction my tires were going. Briefly. It just so happened that when my tires caught, they were pointed somewhat straight toward the median. So I tried to turn my tires to point in a slightly more safe direction. Like the way I was going just a few seconds earlier. My car disagreed and the back swung around and I was definitely going to hit the median. So I braced myself. (Now for those of you who don't know, this "median" is just a curb about as high as a normal curb and three or so feet wide.) Well, I hit it. And I went onto it. And I went over it. On the plus side, it slowed me down as I was heading for the woods. Also, the back of my car had swung around so that I was now facing the direction of traffic again, only not in the original direction that I had intended to go. Well, the decreased speed thankfully enabled me to regain control of the vehicle. So I pulled over and decided to see just what the bottom of my car looked like. It's got a few nicks and scratches, but other than that, it looked OK, I guess. Except for that huge dent in what could possibly be something important. Like maybe the frame of my car. But that was the worst of it. I could still drive away and everything. I didn't necessarily want to drive at this point, but I did. Also, upon collision, all the presents I bought you guys went flying out the window and got ran over. Sorry. And somehow, and most importantly, my three (two and a half) functional windows are still intact. And it was kinda fun. Hell, I'm going back to do it again!

Quote Of the Day 12/24/98

Me: "Hey, did you ever find it funny that chicken fingers are so much bigger than chicken wings?"
Craig (fellow waiter): "Well, no wonder the dumb fuckers can't fly."


Hey, y'all have a safe couple of days. And don't tell my parents about the whole jumping the median thing. I'm just gonna tell her that the same guy who broke my window came back and beat the underside of my car too.


Merry Christmas (or whatever equivalent holiday),
Elf for hire.


Still Standing Right Here...

That's Not Her Style

Well, it's December 23rd, and I still have to do approximately 85% of my Christmas shopping. And I'm actually ahead of where I was last year. And here's just a lesson I thought I'd pass on to the rest of you that I learned last year. Not too much is open on Christmas Day. If you wait that long, you better hope they like whatever Aunt Henrietta gave you on Christmas Eve or egg rolls. Anyway...

For those of you who didn't know, during that long "sabbatical" from the quote of the day, I went to go see Billy Joel play. It was a great show, even though I could literally stand up and hit my head on the roof of the FU Center. Well, just before he played "That's Not Her Style," he introduced the song...


Quote Of the Day 12/23/98

"This is a song that I wrote for my SECOND ex-wife... So basically, what I'm saying... is 'What the hell do I know?'"
-Billy (the man)


Downtown Man,
Ghetto D.


Still Standing Right Here...

My "Job"

OK. I'm going to remind you guys again why I like my job so much. I actually had to be in early today, which is the bad part (10:30 is what we all consider early). As soon as I got to "work," Gary and Geoff told me to put my stuff down and we headed over to Gym I to scrimmage the varsity girls basketball team. We lost, but damn, did we have fun doing it! Then we walked back over to the office and Gary handed me my check for the last couple weeks and told me to go get some Christmas shopping done. The he went out to lunch with his wife, and told me to be here tomorrow at the same time to do the same thing. And this is the reason why I don't have a burning desire to get a "better" job.

Quote Of the Day 12/22/98

"Yeah, occasionally I'll walk in the Fieldhouse and see like Schickert and Mikey and Rushing playing against the girls volleyball team... Um, where do I sign up for that?"
-Good Tony (White Tony)


Get in line, buddy.


Assistant women's basketball coach,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

A Tale of Two Bills

So Clinton was impeached. For those of you who aren't as politically adept as myself (I asked some chick at work), I'll tell you what exactly that means. Not much. I used to think that it meant that Clinton was no longer going to be in office, but what it really means is that he is going to go to trial to see if he's allowed to stay. So basically, it just reinforced the fact that we don't like him. Whatever. When we don't like somebody where I come from, we hit them. That's what we need. We just need to get the entire house of representatives to get big foam noodles and settle this thing like children. If nothing else, it would be mortally embarrassing getting your ass kicked by a bunch of stuffed shirts with wacky noodles on TV. And I'll bet CNN's ratings would be higher than ever. And in case you didn't realize it yet, I'm open to any kind of viewpoint you wish to present on the issue, but if you want a serious political conversation, I'll get lost really quickly. At least until you get to the stuff about the cigar. Now that shit's funny!

Quote Of the Day 12/20/98

"You know who's got to be happy about the whole Clinton/Monica scandal? Billy Joel. Because now when he does 'We Didn't Start the Fire 99,' he'll have something to rhyme with Kaczynski."
-A Rolling Stone article Evil Beer Mike told me about


Ted Kaczynski was the unabomber, for those of you who didn't know. Stupid plebeians. (I had to look it up on the internet)


Close, but no cigar,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Psychic Restaurants

Dustin's Christmas List 1998 (just in case):

One rear window (preferably in one piece)
Back stage passes to Shania Twain
A volleyball championship t-shirt (I'll get it somehow)
Advil and an active ankle set
A personal trainer
A personal physical therapist
A personal chiropractor
The girls volleyball team (if unattainable, any girl will suffice)
A front window about 1 1/2 inches longer than the one I have
Three mops (don't ask why)
8 maids a milking
My two front teeth
To be with my family (then to leave right after dinner, before the fighting starts)


Hey, if I had a party this Friday, who would come? Just curious, because I know a bunch of you are going home for break. But I also know that "home" is within walking distance from UMBC for a few of you. I'm just trying to see if it would be worth it. OK. I'm tired. Here's the chase:

CUT TO:

We were eating (we is about 10 or 12 of us after volleyball on Friday) at Double T Diner, and our waitress walked in with food before we even ordered. Now the food was for another table, but I thought it would be a great idea to hire psychics and have them run a restaurant. Before you even order, they come up to your table asking you "who ordered the vanilla malted milkshake?" or something like that. Well, I introduced this idea to the table, and Tony had some breaking news for me...


Quote Of the Day 12/14/98

"They do. It's called McDonalds."
-White Tony


"How'd they know I wanted a cheeseburger?"


Note: All Christmas presents can double as birthday presents in case you miss a deadline or get me something else more expensive or something.


Food, folks, and fun,
Mickey D.


Still Standing Right Here...

It's better to have loved and lost then...

Well, apparently, you guys haven't been getting the messages I haven't been sending. I blame Russ, Clinton, and the greed of the NBA.

Well, if you can think back to the last few quotes of the day, I've been complaining about my faulty window that doesn't roll all the way up. Actually, it doesn't really "roll" at all, but I've already gone over that. Well, I have found a solution to the window thing. Well, I'm defining the term "solution" very lightly here. I just recently had somebody smash the back driver side window of my car. Apparently, mine was one of five cars to have that happen to them that night around the loop. That's not the most fun thing to find when you go out to your car at 3:30 in the morning. They had opened my ashtray and there was trash all over the place, but nothing was missing, including my Billy Joel tape, which was still on my front passenger seat. I was almost offended. Anyway, so now I'm back to missing a window again. That'll teach me to leave my windows up. Thankfully, Mother Nature forgot to hit the "winter" button. It was 79 degrees earlier this week. At this rate, I'll be doing more golfing than skiing this winter. Strangely enough though, I'll probably still fall on my ass the same amount of times, either way.

Well, this week's quote is the result of last week's contest, the wittiest completion of the saying "It is better to have loved and lost, than..." Well, anyway, I must say that most of the entries were very bitter, which is right up my alley, and all entries involving Russ were ignored this time, though there were more than a bushel full of those. And though it may be better to have loved and lost than to have to use your hand seven times a day, Kevin, there are a few better entries. And whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than to not get laid in three months is spoiled to the point where I want to kick her in the nads. That's right!! I'll give her some nads, just so I can kick her in them too! Anyway, here is what the panel of judges (me) came up with as the best non-Russ related response:

"It's better to have loved and lost then... to have had the entire surface of your body vigorously scrubbed with a cheese grater while showering in lemon juice...barely."
-Dan the RA (Resident Alcoholic)


I think Dan does it wrong.


Loving and losing,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...