Too Many Cooks...

Hey everybody. I'm going to take the first part of this message to tell you all that Jason and I are having a party at our apartment tomorrow (Friday) night. Alcohol will be permitted, encouraged, and given out for free with the donation of a little money. And there is also a maximum ratio of Jessup people to normal people at 1 to 4. So for every person Joe brings (girls not included in this scenario), there must be 4 normal people. Joe is considered a Jessupian and Russ isn't. If the ratio ever exceeds that number, I'm afraid some Jessup guys are gonna have to leave. Also, there is a hard limit of 12 Jessup creatures.

OK, here are the directions:

695 North toward Towson from UMBC
40 West (it's the second exit. The one toward Ellicott City)
Keep going.
Lots of lights.
Double T on the right.
A Pizza Hut on the left.
Patapsco State Park.
You'll go down and up a big hill.
Then you'll go down and up a small hill.
Last, you'll go down and up a medium hill.
You leave Patapsco State Park and start seeing stuff other than trees and that scary median divider thingy on the left.
There's a big sign that says "SIGNAL AHEAD" or something like that. It's the first signal after Patapsco State Park.
Make a right at the signal they are referring to.
You are going to go through a small shopping center.
At the bottom of the next hill, there's a light.
When you go through the light, you have entered Town & Country Apartments.
Make the third right (not the third reich).
Go down the hill and make the second left (the two lefts are directly in succession of each other. The first is a parking lot, the one you want is a road that winds around to the right.
Follow that road around and make the first right.
Park.
Our apartment complex is the one on the left when entering the parking lot that way. We are all the way on the left closest to the road you just came up on and on the basement floor.
8840 A, Town & Country Apartments - (410) 480-9439.
Got it?

We're probably going to start the little gig around 9 or so, but the real party gets started when I get back from volleyball practice at 10:30. There better be some cool non-Jessup people there when I get there. You don't have to wear a costume, but if you do, you have a better chance of looking like a complete social outcast. Hell, if you want, you could all raid my wardrobe and go as me. We should be OK, so long as nobody brings a black light. Well, I hope to see most of you there, and if you feel like bringing candy (or alcohol, or anything else), I'm not going to stop you. Unless it's Jessup candy.


Quote Of the Day 10/23/98

"Too many cooks spoil the brothel."
-Unkie Raj


There were a few better entries this time. The runner-up this week comes all the way from California, when Raysin Gyrl wrote in "Too many cooks, too little pot." That one especially hits home because I happen to know what the cooks at Bennigans do in the walk-in. But I had to side with any entry creatively and correctly using the word "brothel." But would they really spoil it? I think they might liven it up. Especially if they brought those long-ass spatulas. Oh well, here's something to think about for next week...

"It is better to have loved and lost..."

This one should be pretty good. And try to be tactful out there. Actually, screw tact. Tact doesn't sell. Get funky.

See you on the flip side,
The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Underachieving Soda

I'm sorry if that last message seemed a bit abrasive. I had just swallowed a lot of sandpaper before I sent it. Seriously, I'm going to send out this message and the next message that I send will be the "too many cooks..." best quote result thingy. So you have about 24 hours after this is sent to come up with a decent response. And because I'm that tired, I'm gonna get to the quote.

Have any of you seen the new Pepsi product? It's called Pepsi One. It's not quite diet pepsi, but I have no idea what the difference is. The thing about One is that it has only one calorie. It tastes basically like somebody had taken sweet and low and dropped it into a bunch of seltzer water. Anyway, we got 8 cases of it for free at work in the Recreation Dept. Jeff took a can out of the refrigerator that we have there, looked at it, then looked at me, and...


Quote Of the Day 10/22/98

"Why couldn't they get that last damn calorie out?"
-Jeff


The cool thing about working with Jeff is that he is slowly insulting all of my friends one by one.


Still the One,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Common Complaints and How They Can Be Easily Dispelled

1) There's nothing to do here.

Guess what? There's nothing to do anywhere. Unless you live in LA or New York, in which case, you have no right to ever complain about the lack of stuff to do. Looks like you're going to have to make your own fun instead of sitting on your ass and complaining about it, you lazy piece of crap.

2) Nobody knows how to drive except me.

Guess what? Neither do you. No matter what you might think, you don't know how to drive either. In fact, I'm the only person who knows how to drive out there. So be sure to get out of my fucking way next time, OK?

3) I have the worst luck.

I know a guy who got his penis stuck in a toilet paper dispenser at a McDonalds and had to get the fire rescue squad to torch him out. He has the worst luck. You can all get over yourselves.

4) This food tastes like shit.

You're right. Don't eat it. Die. I don't give a shit. Just don't tell me about it. Especially if it's free. In fact, how about instead, you suck it up and just grin and bear it like a real man, you pansy-food-eating, tender-stomached shell of a man.

5) You suck.

Fuck off.


Quote Of the Day 10/21/98

"That's what I meant. Are you deaf?"
-Dad-Dad-Daddio



Think about it. It's funny. If you didn't laugh yet, you either didn't think about it hard enough or you're too stupid anyway. Give up.


Wiping dirt off a surface,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Dark Noon

Time to set your clocks back again. Do you guys know what that means? It means that all the powers of "Hour Man" are null as of 2:00 tonight. That's right. All the super powers I got from avoiding the evil Daylight Savings Ghoul of Darkness last year have become obsolete again.
Oh well.
Speaking of time, here's a little quote based on the lateness of the hour and applies to or has applied to most college students at one point in time or another. I was hanging out with Mike (Evil Beer Mike, for those of you who were on the cruise) one night at Pizzeria Unos after he had been up all night studying for an exam he took at 9 in the morning. He then proceeded to take a nap from 11 to 3 or something, and then went to class again, then went out with me after that was all over. Point is that it was a very discombobulating day. Well, around midnight, Mike was starting to lose it. Not necessarily consciousness, but he was to that point where stuff he said was no longer relevant, grammatically correct, or in English. Well, he had a watch on and I didn't, so I had to ask him what time it was. Normally not a hard question, but that night...


Quote Of the Day 10/20/98

"Noon... I mean, not noon... the other one... The dark noon."
-Evil Beer Mike


I don't want none unless you got buns hun,
Sir Mix-Just-Barely-Enough.


Still Standing Right Here...

Chris Meawad, the Steve Guttenberg of the QOTD

Well, it's been a while, I know, but the contest is still on. I'm still getting a few entries, but I hope you've just been putting it off because you knew I wouldn't get around to it for a while. Well, here I come, large as life, and I've got some catching up to do. But I just wanted to tell you guys out there who are stressing out over this contest because you can't think of any good responses to chill out. It's OK if you can't think of any good responses. It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't funny anymore. So don't panic. And you especially shouldn't take out your aggression and frustrations on me or my little contest...


Quote Of the Day 10/19/98

"FUCK THE QUOTE OF THE DAY, FUCK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DAMN COOKS, AND FUCK DUSTIN!!!!!"
-Chris "Ye of the little brain" Meawad


It's OK not to be funny Chris. Hell, look how far Steve Guttenberg got.



Breathing heavy for the fun of it,
Dusty-Poo.


Still Standing Right Here...

You Can Lead a Horse to Water, but...

I'm really sorry that quote of the day doesn't quite come very "daily" anymore. These 50 and 60 hour weeks are starting to kill me. Not that work is all that hard, but it's still there. And after the 3 hours that I spend downloading porn every night, I can barely find the energy to hurl myself onto the bed, let alone try to think of something witty that I have already written down. That's how sad my life has become. But at least now I have money to do stuff. I just have no stuff to do. Or at least no time to do it in. Help.
And here's another thing. I just realized that I don't know how to be 23. My idea of a fun night out is Ping Pong and Taboo. I'd ask a girl out, but I have no idea what to ask to do. "Hey baby. Wanna go play a little Scattergories, eh? We can make up our OWN categories, if ya know what I mean. *wink wink*" Well, all suggestions are welcome. And by the way, if anybody wants to play Taboo this weekend, let me know.

OK. Here's the moment you've all been waiting for. The winner of the whatever the hell I called it last week. Well, I got a few that I had considered, but the one that made me laugh the most was actually entered by Russ, ass hole that he is...


Quote Of the Day 10/9/98

"You can lead a horse to water but nothing good can come from having your scrotum removed."
-Toys-A-Russ


There were quite a few pretty good entries. I personally liked Greg Reagle's (don't worry, none of you know him) "you can lead a horse to water, and you can lead him away from water too" but it cheated a little bit. And it's a little dryer than my quote crowd is accustomed to. And one that I thought of is "you can lead a horse to water, but why?" But anything involving the ripping off of Russ' scrotum is gonna win 10 times out of 9. Well, I'll try to give you guys a better one for the next contest I have. In fact, here's some candy for you to chew on:

"Too many cooks..."

You guys have until I do next this Friday's quote, which won't be before Sunday night, I can almost guarantee. I hope this one is easier to work with. Have fun. I'm going to bed for a few hours now.


A perpetual sleep deprivation experiment,
Sleepy D and the Sandmen of Shock.

Dunchfest

Hey everybody. It's me again. Life has now taken me by the nuts and swung me around like Arnold did with that club in Conan. By the way, is anybody else out there picturing Arnold dressed up as a viking swinging me around by my nuts over his head? If not, you are now. OK. I'm gonna make this one really short so I can crank out the quote you all want to see next.
First of all, there are a few new freshmen out there that haven't gotten all of my years of wisdom in yet. Well, here's a word that you may find to be very important on those days when you have class (and flag football games) all day long. It's "dunchfest." When you are busy all day and only have time to eat one meal, this is what you call that meal: "Dunchfest." I'm sure you guys (even the stupid ones out there) can figure out what three words that derived from. I'll give you another vocabulary lesson later, but for now, I have the...


Quote Of the Day 10/8/98

"Bye Mike. I'm going out to brunch. Actually, it's a late brunch. It's more like a ... well ..., lunch."


It's sad that lunch is now defined as a late brunch.


Not the man,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Russ, Perpetual Exception

Well, it seems as though my car isn't the only thing falling apart. I messed up my knee. This is actually a new injury for me. It was kind of exciting. I couldn't walk or anything. I figured I'd be out for at least a month, but I seemed to be pretty good at our football game Friday. Turns out I'm just a wus.
And that reminds me, I'm going to let you guys have another 24 hours to come up with a good response for two reasons. 1), I'm not head over heals crazy about the entries I've gotten so far, and 2), I can go to sleep right after this one. Upon retrospect, maybe I chose a bad one to start with, but help me out. And I claim everyone exempt from the multiple entry restriction. Except Russ. As always. Russ is just perpetual exception to every rule.

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#######THIS JOKE WILL ONLY BE FUNNY TO A SELECT GROUP OF PEOPLE######
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Anyway, I was at work (the one where I just hang out at the rec office or ref flag football), and I walked out of the office onto the indoor track. Jeff (my pseudo-boss) was standing there watching our basketball team at a practice scrimmage. Timmy passed it behind his back to a cutting Kennedy who did a reverse layup with two guys on him. Without saying another word to me, Jeff turned and said...


Quote Of the Day 10/7/98

"Yeah, I think Russ could make the team."
-Jeff, boss and fellow mocker of Russ


I don't even think they would pay Russ to do their laundry.
(Obscure reference)


Looking like a true survivor,
Feeling like a little kid,
Extendo.


I'm Still Standing...

Things Confucius Didn't Say

Well guys, I came up with this idea that's going to revolutionize the quote of the day. It's going to make the quote more fun and challenging, and at the same time, it's going to make my job a little easier. From now on, every Friday's quote is going to be the result of a contest. The contest is going to be introduced in Monday's quote (after this week, of course), and you guys will have until midnight on Friday to respond. This way, you guys that don't hang out with me as much as Russ, Joe, and Tony will have a chance to make it to the quote of the day. Show off your wit, damnit! I'm losing it in my old age. I think I've been too funny in past years. I've run out of material. I'm starting to get cramps in my funny bone.
Anyway, here's the contest: I'm going to call it "Things Confucius Didn't Say" purely because the only other name I can think of right now is "Finish the Saying." And though that is very descriptive, it's just not funny at all. OK. I'm going to start a saying, and you guys have to mail me back with your completed version of the saying. And please respond only to me, and only once. If you enter something and then come up with a really good one later in the week or something, I'll let you slide once or twice, but don't barrage me with entries or you're disqualified. OK. Now the key is to finish this saying with something clever, not the correct one. That's stupid. Well, here's what you have to work with this week:

"You can lead a horse to water, but..."

OK. Finish that saying and mail them back to me at this address by Friday at midnight. Actually, I'll give you until Sunday at midnight this week, since I came up with this kinda late. And just for future reference, you can enter "You can lead a horse to water, but Dustin has sex with small children," but it's not going to win. Good luck.


Quote Of the Day 10/6/98

(Two friends from Bennigans)

Tom (about Kentucky): "Yep. Nothing to do there but get pregnant."
Becca: "Hey! Watch it! I'm from the south."
Tom: "Sorry... Drink and get pregnant."


Well, there's always cow tipping. And they don't even need to get 15%.


Confucius of the 90s,
Mr. Whistlehead.


You can lead a horse to water, but...

Window Issues

Well, I'm coming out of hibernation again not because I feel the need to make you all laugh or know I'm alive or anything, but I'm asking a favor. Anybody out there know how to fix a car? See, here's what I did: Let's first start with the fact that the car is basically garbage. It's only glaring positive characteristic is that it gets me to and from places faster than I could get there on foot. Well, now the window is stuck inside the door. I was rolling it down and it got stuck somewhere between all the way up and all the way down. I tried to force the handle, whereupon this very loud, metallic snapping sound occurred. The window then proceeded to slowly sink. I suppose I could have stopped it from going all the way down, but why? So if anybody knows how to fix that, I could use your help. Also, I was just reminded of something that happened about a month ago. A friend of mine and I were coming up from George Mason in the rain, and I looked at my windshield wiper on the driver's side and said to her something like "that windshield wiper isn't doing a damn thing." Within a minute, it leaped off the car onto 95. Then it REALLY didn't do anything. Well, I assume it didn't do anything after that.
So now when it rains, I have to put a towel over the left side of my body and lean all the way to the right to be able to see anything. I mean it's hard enough to drive with my poor eyesight, but I also can't see very well. And on top of all that, my vision is very bad. So when it rains, it's a virtual guess at which way the road bends next. That's my defense in court next month.

Well, let's take a quote from that weekend down at George Mason. Jessica and I were visiting her sister and her boyfriend. Jess and her sister, Tricia, are from North Dakota (only slightly above Kansas on the excitement scale), and were talking about country singers and stuff. They were saying how they were attracted to a guy with a pickup truck and a big belt buckle. Well, Tricia's boyfriend, Gucci Guy that he is, made a tiny little box with his fingers where his crotch is, and said...


Quote Of the Day 10/5/98

"Sorry, but that's as big as mine gets."
-Some guy you'll never meet


Believe me, Tricia looked VERY sorry.


Wet and swerving all over the place,
Fathead.


Still Standing Right Here...