Spam and the Complicated Shoes

Well, it's Sunday, which means I've finally gotten around to last Thursday's quote. And it's gonna be good. Really funny. One of your favorite QOTD personalities. But first, I must speak out about this weekend's events. First of all, I was unaware of the going on with the spam and such because my address was taken off TButz1212's initial list. I would also like to say that I don't even know who TButz is. His address is not on my quote list, so it could be anybody. I'm going to assume that it's somebody who didn't know any better as opposed to somebody who developed an anonymous name to try to infiltrate my list. I figure that it's somebody who has an AOL address also and just copied the addresses over from their umbc or whatever account, which is why mine wasn't on there. And a mistake like that could cost you $268, you know. Which brings me to another point. You aren't getting any money. I'll be the bearer of bad news. Microsoft will not track that e-mail. And the e-mail doesn't even say anything. It doesn't tell you to use Internet Explorer or Win 98 or anything. But hey, if I thought I'd get $231 for every person I sent that e-mail to, I guess I'd have done the same thing. It's worth mildly pissing off 150 or so people to get $256,903. But it's not going to happen. If you get that check, feel free to e-mail me and tell me I'm a dumb asshole if you so choose. But until then, my suggestion to you would be to create 10 other e-mail addresses and just perpetually e-mail that message back and forth to yourself and hope they don't catch on. But they're probably smarter than that. And before I do the quote, I have one last thing. I think the reason I was most annoyed by the last messages is due to my new philosophy of the internet. See, I got me 100 gigabytes of ram. I never feed trolls and I don't read spam. Installed a 2-1 line in my house. I'm always at my PC double clickin on my mizz-ouse. Upgrade my system at least twice a day. I'm strictly plug and play, I ain't afraid of Y2K. I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him money for short. I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support. It's all about the pentiums...

Anyway, I was walking with Tony, my roomie, and I took notice of his sneakers. They were new and really funky looking. Like the design went all over the shoe, appeared to leave the actual shoe, and come back on the other one unscathed. While he walked and everything. Anyway, I told him that his shoes looked new... and complicated...

Quote Of the Day 10/21/99

"Not really. They still use laces. There's no password or anything."
-Tone-Def


I'm gonna go spam his shoes while he sleeps tonight.


Wastin time with all the chat room yackers,
The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Band Names of the 90s

Band Names of the 90s

Smash Mouth - Maybe I've become desensitized to it because I've heard the name so much now and all I think about is their good throwback to the 70s style of music, but the two words "Smash" and "Mouth" when put back to back portray a very violent image and make me cringe if I think about it too long. Think about it... Smash Mouth! Hurts, doesn't it? Too much unnecessary violence for a nice, white collar straight rock band. C

Cherry Poppin Daddies - I gotta give props to anybody willing to go out there and say "Hey, we're in it for the sex." I don't know what else "Cherry Poppin" could refer to, but I doubt that we'd even let that name slide by in our intramural floor hockey league. A-

Toad the Wet Sprocket - This is a decision they openly regret. They needed a name and they had just seen a Monty Python name by the same name and thought, "hey, that's awesome." So it's partly a tribute to fine British comedy, and partly a marijuana-induced mistake. It also takes too long to say. C-

Backstreet Boys - They hit every nail on the head here. First of all, "Backstreet" is more general and unthreatening than "Inner City" and can therefore appeal to the suburban crowd too. Secondly, "Boys" is cuter and more harmonious as a word alone than "Men." Also, they appeal more to the boys than the men of the suburban/urban world. And when you couple the words together, you get this fun alliteration indicative of their style of music. "Backstreet Boys." See. A+

Puff Daddy - This gangsta rapper, Sean Combs, got his nickname "Puffy" while playing football at Howard U. He was the skinniest kid on the football team and would puff his chest out to look bigger. He named himself Puff Daddy as a tribute to his son. Kinda gives the guy a different image, doesn't it? A

Sixpense None the Richer - Takes even longer to say than Toad the Wet Sprocket. And it sounds like they're trying too hard to be cool. D


Stryker, Geoff, and I went to Subway the other day for lunch and when prompted by the lady behind the counter asking what type of cheese Geoff wanted on his sub...


Quote Of the Day 10/19/99

Geoff: "I like my cheese like I like my women. White American."


I always preferred Easy Cheese.


Smashing Mouths,
Toad the Wet Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Magic Shower

I've just recently come to realize that I plan my sleep schedule and my entire day around a magic shower. I'll hit the snooze alarm a few extra times knowing that I can just hop in my magic shower and everything will be OK. In this magic shower, not only do I become clean and closely shaven, but I magically wake up entirely, completely independent of how much sleep I had gotten the night before. Sometimes I even lose that morning hunger feeling like I had just eaten a French Slam at Denny's with their one-of-a-kind hash browns. And the greatest thing about this shower is that it only takes 3-4 minutes. And that includes undressing, dressing, shaving, aftershaving, the walk to my car, and sometimes even another small nap. Occasionally, this magic shower will actually transport me back in time if I had hit the snooze alarm for an extra hour or two prior to the shower. So this is what I expect out of my morning shower when I decide what time to set my alarm for and how many times I can afford to hit the snooze button. Needless to say, I'm late a lot.

I'll spare the context that surrounded this quote because it would be too difficult to convey over e-mail, or in any other media for that matter. But let it be known that Tony said something that was misheard as something to the effect of him showering with Gary, my boss...


Quote Of the Day 10/18/99

Me: "You showered with my boss?!?!?"
Tony: "Well... I was dirty."


I hope Proznik can learn from this example.


Dirty, hungry, tired, and late,
Shower Boy.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of Fight Club

I have fully decided that one of the greatest things to bring into a movie is the complete lack of knowledge of anything about it. I heard about the movie Fight Club about 4 hours before I went to see it. Tony told me Stryker said it was really good and Brad Pitt and Ed Norton were in it. That's about all I knew about it going into the theater. Well, here's what I have to say about it without being a hypocrite and blurting out any important details to you (I'm assuming about 95% of you haven't seen it) to make you enjoy it less: The very first scene put a giddy excited smile on my face and it stuck there through the whole movie and about an hour or so afterward. The first half hour was an almost completely first person narration with an anything goes directing philosophy that came across like a tidal wave of sarcastic cynicism and well-timed anarchy. Every shot had me suppressing laughter as to not A) disturb the loads of other people in the theater, and B) look like a 12-year-old girl at a Back Street Boys concert. David Fincher, who also directed Seven and The Game, took his own methods of manipulation and exploitation and exploited and manipulated them, exposing them to the audience to draw attention to the filmmaking process, which makes it even cooler for me, being an ex-film student and all. Even if you guys don't know what I'm talking about, you'll come out of it thinking, "that was neat!"

After the film had established its character (a wimpy Cameron from Ferris Bueller type character), it started in with the plot, which was basically that Ed Norton (Cameron) meets this guy on a plane (Brad Pitt) and they start this underground testosterone party called the Fight Club where guys beat the crap out of each other to feel manly. But it turns into much more than that. You follow the characters through their changes and find yourself agreeing with things you wouldn't normally agree with. Then the last half hour happens. There are some over the top gore scenes that might scare you away if they ever show that as part of the preview, but don't pay attention to them if you're not into that kind of stuff. The entire film had an important plot twist every 2-3 minutes which kept me on my seat constantly. This last half hour though, really made the film happen. All the freaky time-lapse and slow motion shots with the strategically placed bouts of subliminality come together and grow tenfold both in number and importance. Formalism is the relation of form to content, and Fincher took the last half hour of that script and found the exact way to convey it on the screen. You especially notice this crap when you actually try to do it, which I did once. But his direction was phenomenal and it earned the film all 10 bugs and an additional half of a partially swallowed bug. It's that good folks, trust me.

When making fun of clever people, it is important to have a second comeback to their first comeback. I wasn't prepared for this one. I made fun of Jeff Horton during that same game of beer pong he was losing...


Quote Of the Day 10/15/99

"Hey. Why don't you just go do a split or puke on my carpet or something."
-Jeff Horton


Hearing Whos,
Dr. Moose.


Still Standing Right Here...

Volleybeatdown

Well, our mens volleyball club team had their first scrimmage of the year. And what better team to start with than the ex-UMBC men's volleyball all stars? At least the ones that are still allowed on campus. Every single one of these guys were on the mens team when they were ranked #1 in the nation one year or another. And these happened to be all the nicer guys. Like the ones that didn't get in that drunken knife fight on campus last February. Well, we have a deal worked out with these guys. They are playing in a USVBA club team (high level volleyball competition) and they need gym time because they no longer get free time like us college kids. And we need guidance and I could use a little help coaching the middle blockers and setters. Plus, a scrimmage against really good people is going to help us out a lot. Anyway, we grant them free gym time if they promise to talk to us afterward and help us out a little bit. Translation...


Quote Of the Day 10/14/99

"So they're gonna come kick our ass and then they're gonna tell us how they did it."
-White Tony



Cool thing is that we actually beat them. Looks like a certain group of 6 people underestimated a certain other group of 6 people. And their coach.


Love, pink hats, and volleyballs,
Mr. Coach.


Still Standing Right Here...

Hostile Merging

It has recently come to my attention that most people don't know how to drive. Sure, I get speeding tickets and hit curbs, but I know the basics. Like who's turn it is to go at stop signs. They should just change the rule to say that whoever is the boldest person at the intersection at the time should go first, because that's what happens. Most people just sit there trying to make hand motions or flick their lights. Whatever. I just go now because I can't trust people anymore. And even more annoying than that is the turn signal situation. Now I'm a big advocate of turn signals. It's more dangerous to change lanes without signalling than it is to go 76.7 in a 55 MPH zone. Sometimes. Anyway, I always use turn signals. Even when nobody's around, just out of habit. Mirror, signal, merge. That's the right order. About 95% of all drivers fuck this up. If you just turn your turn signal on as you're cutting me off, it's too late. The signal is supposed to be used as a signal, like it says so in the title of the feature. It's too late at this point. I already know you're coming into my lane, but thanks for the gesture, asshole.


Quote Of the Day 10/12/99

"Wait a minute. I'm not gonna play if nobody's gonna shit themselves."
-Jeff Horton


I'm not going to tell you guys the context of this, but be assured drinking was involved.


Regards,
Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Legal and Loving It

Well, I didn't feel that ramming my car into a curb was enough of a way to celebrate getting my car registered. What would better complete the carwarming ceremonies but a $135 speeding ticket and 2 points on my license? So anyway, I got that. And it was the first time I was actually pulled over in the daytime. It was completely different, I wasn't nervous at all. And that's probably one of many reasons I will get into later that aided the ease in which he gave me the ticket. So anyway, it was daytime and first of all, much easier to see the shoulder I needed to pull onto so he could come up to my car and be mean. He didn't have a partner, a flashlight, gun, or even a uniform. This guy in an unmarked car had followed me and clocked me at 76.7 (don't ask me how he got that accurate without radar) and put on a little blue light in his car to get my attention. Then when I pulled over, he hopped out wearing a New York Yankees cap and a red plaid shirt. Not what I'm used to. So anyway, I wasn't nervous at all. The fact that my car was now legal probably helped too. He asked for my license and registration and I was proud to give it to him. "Just got it last week, officer."

Now here are a few things you should never say when you get pulled over by a cop that I actually said, dumbass that I am. He asked when the last time my speedometer was calibrated and I told him that I didn't know, but when the last cop pulled me over, he informed me that it was likely improperly calibrated. Then he asked if that cop gave me a ticket, and I said no, he gave me a warning. I couldn't have thought of two worse answers if I tried. Damn the truth! So anyway, I'm gonna fight it, and I'm gonna win, but it's gonna take a chunk out of my day sometime in the not-too-immediate future. And I didn't say it this time, but once when a cop pulled me over, he asked me if I knew how fast I was going and I actually said "Well, that depends on how long you were following me."

Probably another bad idea.


Quote Of the Day 10/11/99

Me: "Hey Augy. How you doing?"
Augy: "Any better and I couldn't stand it."


Fuckin A, man.


Ticket Master,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of American Beauty

Well, I saw American Beauty, the weird artistic film of this month. I don't really know what I thought of it yet, and I have no idea what I'm going to say about it yet, and I've already started typing. I'm hoping for some sort of epiphany to hit me as I type. I suppose that could make the review a lot like the film. But that's not my intent. I'm just hoping to come out of here with a coherent thought or two. None yet. But I'll keep you posted. One thing I liked about it was that it was the first time I've seen anyone address a grown man having a lustful crush on a very young girl since I read the cliff notes to some Albert Camus story and the lyrics to Aqualung. I can understand why Hollywood doesn't want to expose this aspect of relationships, but it's a fact of nature. Now before I start to really sound like a pervert, I'm not saying I condone fathers acting out their sexual fantasies on their daughter's best friend, but it was fun to watch on a movie screen. Especially when surrounded by lots of rose petals. I didn't so much like it when they starting coming out of their mouths, but the whole concept of bathing naked in them has suddenly really peaked my interest. Well, that was only one relationship there was in the film. There were also stalking, drug dealing next door neighbors with abusive, militant fathers and cheating, fast-food eating mothers who listen to self-help tapes. And there was something about blackmail in there somewhere, but there were no rose petals, so I didn't pay much attention to that part. This film will probably gross you out in parts and turn you on in others. And you'll be uncomfortable either way. But you'll laugh. Sometimes. And you'll squirm too. I doubted you'll squint and go "Whatcha talking about, Willis?", but I don't know how you'll all react. I'm going to give this film 5 bugs. It didn't blow me away, and I probably won't see it again unless it's on one of these 12 HBO stations I have at 3 AM and I can't sleep. But it was pretty good and very interesting and different. I laughed, I squirmed, I got up and left when it was over. I could have waited for it to come out on video. But I got to see it for free, and it's definitely worth free the first time around.

This just in!!!...


Quote Of the Day 10/8/99

Jason: "Aw. Look at Jiggy. She's so tired."
Tony: "Yeah. Apparently digging her claws deep into my flesh wears her out."


It is exhausting, I'll give her that.


Appreciating Jethro Tull,
Aqualung.


Still Standing Right Here...

Bad Hair Days

On Thu, 7 Oct 1999, Carrie Clemmer wrote:

> Though I'm not a big fan of writing to mass audiences, I felt it necessary to
> point out that you also have to remove your hat to visit public schools, to
> sing the National Anthem, and to attempt to right the haircut that went so
> wrong.
>
> -Friendly Carrie
> (Hi Dustin.)

Well, Carrie... I know you haven't seen me in a while, but I'm not yet that country singer I always wanted to be, so I don't see myself singing the national anthem anytime soon, and I've almost stopped hanging out at public high schools altogether. I've found I just need to get college chicks drunker. And as far as the hat removal when I right my wrong haircut, I will probably not be looking for her in an all male barber shop, if I choose to go to one of those. Which, of course, increases the chances of me finding her. And this just perpetuates the cycle that has become the great paradox of the single male in the 90s. I'm not sure what I just said, but I think I'm going to stick with that bonnet idea.

So have we all gotten our 2 cents in about how to fix my haircut? And I'd like to point out that neither Steve or Carrie have seen the aberration this is my head. I haven't spoken to either of them in a collective 3 or 4 years, and the first thing out of their font is a criticism about what they can only think my haircut might look like. Losers.

Well, intramural soccer is finally over, which means winners for both the mens league and the coed league had to be determined. Which generally means that we would hand out t-shirts to the winners of these two leagues. But like happens so often in our Rec Sports Department, they aren't ready yet. And why aren't they ready? Gary took his grand old time ordering them again. Well, my fellow ref Andy, the t-shirt artist Jeremy, myself, and all the Polish Mafia were there after the final soccer game. Evil Joe proceeded to ask me why the shirts weren't finished...


Quote Of the Day 10/7/99

Evil Joe: (paraphrased)"Yo nigga! Why ain't da shirts be ready yet?"
Me: "Gary. And trust me, I've been on his ass for the last month."
Jeremy: "Yeah. I've been on his ass all summer."
Andy: "And that's exactly where Gary's been all summer, on his ass."


That must be a big ass to fit 3 people on it all summer.


Ass sitter extraordinaire,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Zonked

> Not to overstate the obvious, but...
>
> Leave the hat on.
>
> :)
>
> Steve Z

That's just stupid, Steve. Sure it sounds good in theory, but there are so many things I do that require me to remove the alleged hat. First and foremost, there is sleep. Some can pose the argument that I don't need to look good while I sleep, but they always say that you have the best chance to meet Mrs. Right when you aren't looking for her. And that's about the only time I'm not looking for her. If this theory is true, I'm going to either have to make a conscious effort to not look for her, or I'm going to wake up to her standing over my bed one morning. And if this happens my hair looking the way it currently does, I'm afraid that she'll leave and go into Tony's room. But he's probably still looking for her even when he's asleep. That's just the way my crazy roommate is. Secondly, there's... well, I guess there isn't too much else other than sleep that should require the hat removal, but I think I've made my point quite clear. Maybe I could just wear one of those bonnet things that tie on, that way it will stay on while I toss and turn. I'm pretty sure I have one. Probably in pink, too.

Well, we just won our championship soccer game today. It always feels good beating ZBT at anything, especially 8-0. It might have been a different story if the Skivvies were around, but I guess we'll never know. And we have the shirts to prove it. Speaking of the Skivvies not being around, that reminds me of a story about Ryan McMullin, a former Skivvie who, when intoxicated, almost always decided everyone in whatever room he was in needed to see his dick. This guy is quite the typical college drunk. Joe was telling me a story of the soccer club team last year and a game they had. During warm-ups, Ryan was running around the field with a bottle of vodka in his hand, drinking from it every time he turned a corner. And Joe's tone of voice when telling the story was not degrading or bad at all, but rather it was one of respect and admiration. Tim interrupted Joe's little story...


Quote Of the Day 10/6/99

"Wow Joe. He can drink AND play soccer. He must be your hero."
-Tim


I think a lot of the humor there, as in all the e-mails I send out, is lost in the delivery. Next time I see that happening, I'll give you directions on how to read it and what tone of voice to listen to it in your head in and what not.

Goalie, coach, and part time frat buster,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Thou Shalt Not Understand

The thing that sucked most about the new haircut I have is that I forgot that I was going to get my Maryland licence finally the very day after I butchered my head like I did. I went in to finally register my car in the state of MD and I thought I had to get my MD licence before I could do that. But after I registered my car and they asked if I was going to get my MD license today, hence giving me an option. I declined on the grounds that I had recently made an ill-advised aesthetic decision that had gone wrong. It's really kind of amazing. It always looks like I just took my hat off, and I have no idea how I did it or how I can rectify it. At any rate, like I said before, I just got my car registered and all legal and all that jazz and I decided to celebrate by ramming my front right tire into a curb. At a pretty good pace too. And you wanna know how I accomplished such an idiotic task? I was busy looking at two cops parked in a parking lot on my right. Their mere  presence had distracted me from the road. I was literally looking over at those cops thinking to myself "Hey, my car is registered now. I don't have to be afraid of - HOLY SHIT!!!" That's approximately when I went up on the sidewalk at like 30-35 miles an hour. And the bastards didn't even come after me. If they hadn't been there, I would have been perfectly content to watch the direction the road bent and my car would be fine. This is why I think cops should be outlawed. The roads would be a lot safer.

This little diddy comes from deep in the heart of good ole PA. Actually, Mike submitted this one via the Quote Of the Day Application. He left a lot of it blank, but I already have his comedy background check on file, and it's been a while since I sent that application out that I'll bet that even if he could find it that it would have quite a buildup of cyberdust on it. Anyway, here's Mike's 2 and 1/2 cents:

**************************************************************************

There is a church somewhere that is sponsoring a large ad campaign to get people to start coming back to church. They have all sorts of highway billboards that are supposedly from God. There's one in Norristown (on 202), that just says:

I LOVE YOU!
-GOD

Well, Joe and I were driving home from playing tennis, and we saw one of these signs. It said:

WHAT PART OF "THOU SHALT NOT" DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
-GOD

Quote Of the Day 10/5/99

Joe looked at it for a second, and said, "Uh, the 'thou', and the 'shalt'."
-Good Joe

**************************************************************************

They should come out with an Ebonics version of the bible to reach out to more people. "Thou shalt not covet thy homey's bitch."


Not exactly a prophet,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Haircuts and Drunk Prepositions

Well, if I ever tell any of you on this list that I'm going to try to cut my own hair, just simply say to me "Wait, Dustin. You remember what happened last time, don't you?" Last Tuesday, I decided to forego the expense of having an actual barber cut my hair and do it myself. I think by the time I got it down to within 1/2 an inch of complete baldness, it was finally even. I think if I decide to forego the cost of a professional again, I'm going to at least try to see if I can find somebody who's done it before to do it. Or at least somebody moderately artistic or female. Hell, if you're hands aren't shaking uncontrollably and you can see the back of my head, you'll do a better job than I did.

Well, this quote comes from over the weekend when I decided to stop by la casa d'Evil Joe's. Well, he was in his usual non-grammatically correct form, always ending his sentences in prepositions and whatnot. He did just that in front of me when I was in one of my mocking drunk people in any way possible moods, more than likely asking "Where's the beer at?" but I'm not 100% positive. So anyway, I decided to correct him again...


Quote Of the Day 10/4/99

Me: "See, there you go with the prepositions again."
Joe: "Dude, I'll say whatever the fuck I want. At."


He can also puke and pass out wherever he wants to at.


Leading blindly into battle,
Seargent Whistlehead.