Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Well, the Dr. Laurel actually told me to bring my shoe to my appointment Thursday. Like the left one. I have no idea where they are. I'll probably have to get them back out of storage. So I may be able to limp around without the brace as of this coming Thursday. According to her. So we're just gonna play it by ear anyway. And by "we," I mean "me," and by "by ear," I mean "by heel." But you knew that.

I don't read many things that make me bust out in laughter out loud. Like everytime I chat on the internet and I type LOL, I'm really not. But L is kinda boring and I don't think I'm ready to start a new acronym that means laughing, but not really all that loudly. And who the hell rolls on the floor during an internet chat? Anyway, this one made me laugh out loud at work, which meant I had to try to explain it from scratch to my coworkers, which was a pain in the ass. But anyway, it was a written retort on my recent car story. And this quote may be the first actual quote of the day from Europe...

Quote Of the Day 9/29/00

"...in my old mazda rx7, the door on the driver's side broke, so i had to crawl through the passenger side. i felt like such an asshole, and you just reminded me of that. not that you are an asshole or anything."

-Naughty Natalia (currently a broad in Italy)


If I can just remind one person of a time they felt like an asshole, my day will be complete.

Et tu Brute?

Little Seizure.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Still Stranded Right Here

Still Stranded Right Here

Every now and again I get that "you need to get your car fixed" slap in the face by Mother Nature, Father Time, Lady Luck, or Jason Geography. The trip to Laurel & Mardy, M.D. was the most recent altercation by Mom and Jason collectively. I was running late, even for Dustin time, so I had to take the handicap spot right in front of the building rather than my normal spot around the other side of the building on one of the better hills I've ever seen. I parked and did that "Ah, I'll deal with it later" thing. Well, I left the office, and later had arrived, and no solution had presented itself in the meantime. I was hoping it was on enough of a hill, which it wasn't, or that it was dry enough out to get a little traction with my opposite foot to push the car out, which it also wasn't. I was turned around in my car facing backwards (because I need to push with my right foot), and trying desperately to get the thing out far enough so I could put it in D and take off. But I kept slipping and the car would drift forward the 8 inches that I had pushed it backward every time. I was helpless and looking like a damn fool in front of two ladies out on the benches taking their smoke break. So now what? Well, after Jason and Ma had had enough of a laugh, Dad sent a guy out of the building that was apparently in the lobby watching the entire bitchslap take place. He helped push the car out as I played the part of "I have no idea, it worked yesterday." And by the way, if any of you work for Progressive Auto Insurance, I'm just kidding.

It poured rain last Monday, which is why it was all wet out on Tuesday when I tried to get my car out of that heathenous parking spot. Well, Russ was out playing soccer in a pick up game like the idiot that he is. He came to sit down on the bench after having been in the game. I offered him to get under my protective umbrella, but he refused...

Quote Of the Day 9/28/00

"Eventually you just give up and become one with the shitty weather."

-Russ Dog


I think there was a little too much zen in that statement for commentary on a minor rainstorm.

Stuck in the perpetual thunderstorm of broken transmissions,

Squeegeed Cricket.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long, but I got the news back from my doc. And I swear sometimes it seems like Laurel and Hardy might as well be in the office working on my heel. I really don't think they know what the hell they're doing in there. I mean I'm sure they know their anatomy and passed the cutting up humans part of their medical exams, but it's like a craps shoot figuring out what they're gonna tell me about my foot. I mean they recognize my face, and I'm sure they've got a lot of patients, but try to remember what you told me last week. Keep a chart or something. Plus there's this fat guy with a Hitler mustache and a derby running around in black and white getting into fine messes all the time.

To recap on my injury and the newest developments in brief, I do not have to go back under the knife and get restitched or restapled or refastened in any way. There will be no more OR room, and no more talk of bad practice. I'm to keep taking antibiotics and "keep doing what I've been doing" since the last visit Thursday. Those words were spoken by my surgeon while I was in the doctor's office at my appointment. Those exact words will be important later. What I was told to do last Thursday was in my last e-mail, so if you didn't read it, you're going to be lost. But anyway, I left feeling positive and happy that I didn't have to go back under the knife. I was leaving the office and passed my surgeon on her way back in, to which she inquires...

Quote Of the Day 9/26/00

Doc: "Why are you still on crutches."
Me: (confused) "Because you told me to be. Besides, with my brace set at 110 degrees, I can't walk on it without inverting my knee."
Doc: "Oh... well... see you next week."


And then she called me Alice.

Getting a first opinion,

Sliced Cricket.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Hey everybody. Sorry I haven't written in a while. That blanket statement spans quotes, personal e-mails, typed and faxed and/or mailed letters, hand written notes passed back in forth in class, and Windows NE version 2.1.5.6. I got some bad news about my foot last week. When I first got the surgery, I wasn't given a prescription for antibiotics. I asked her (the surgeon) if she was sure that I didn't need one, and she said I'd be fine. Then she did that thing I told you about where she shoved my foot very disaggreeably into the boot at 90 degrees and told me to walk around on it without the crutches within a couple of days. She also told me to do exercises. It hurt like a bitch to walk around, but I figure, hey, she's the doc and she probably knows what she's talking about, so I'm listening to her. Besides, when she says "rerupture," I listen.

So I went back in last week, a month after surgery, so she could check on my progress. She said that the wound opened unnaturally much and I may need to go back to the OR room to get it stapled back up. Which would put me back in a plaster cast and basically start me at square one of the healing process, at least as far as how much time it's going to take. In the meantime, I'm to take antibiotics (I was right), use my crutches as often as possible, set my brace back another 20 degrees, and stop doing my exercises or moving it at all. I find out tomorrow if I need to go back to square one. A lot of people are telling me if I do, I should think about malpractice. Which means "bad practice." Why do they call it practice? Doctors practice and lawyers try. Who the fuck just actually DOES shit anymore? I guess the term actually DOING something is reserved for the blue collared folk.

Hey. I got a little sidetracked. Malpractice. If they comp the extra surgery, I'll be fine, but if they charge me for it, I'm looking into malpractice. I don't think I told a lot of you this, but I don't have health insurance and I'm paying for this all out of my own very shallow pocket. Anesthesia alone cost me $740. Mind you it was good stuff and I don't remember a damn thing, but I don't remember a damn thing from my last night in Reno either, and I'm pretty sure that was just rum and beer and vodka and some other red stuff. But I did throw up all over the place, which I doubt the hospital would have appreciated too much.

Hey, I got sidetracked again. Anyway, I was in a bad mood most of last week and spilling through to the weekend and today because of all this crap and I was in no mood to type. Especially Windows NE version 2.1.5.6 code. So I didn't really write to anybody. But on a lighter note, Kevin just recently got married in Portland. We all went out to dinner after the wedding and Kevin ordered a shot of JD. The waiter carded him, and Kevin stuck out his hand and showed him his wedding band...

Quote Of the Day 9/25/00

"Well, I don't know. You could be from Arkansas."

-Waiter dude.


Substituting West Virginia for Arkansas would probably suffice for people around the MD/PA area.

Coming apart at the seams,

Achilles Heal.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Wide Out Out

Wide Out Out

Well, there's still no freaking parking in the handicap spots. But there are these "special permit parking only" spots right next to the handicap spots reserved for people who want to get tickets. I just parked there and crossed my fingers, figuring I had a pretty decent case. Anyway, I didn't get ticketed, so I keep parking there. But it's not exactly a pull through spot either. However, I have found out that if I wait until everybody leaves, the lot is on enough of a slant that if I put it in forward and ram it into the wall as fast as I can from a dead stop 1 foot away, and quickly shift it into reverse (neutral), I can drift just far enough back to pull out across the other hopefully vacant spots. One time, I had to do it twice when there was another car to my right. And that was from like 4 feet away. Thank God I don't have air bags. That would have been an embarrassing story to tell.

Russ and Evil Joe went to the ABC-televised Monday Night football game at Fed Ex Field, home of the Redskins to watch them get beat up by Randall Cunningham and Dallas. Joey Galloway, the go-to receiver for Dallas tore his ACL the first game and is now out for the season, while Micheal Westbrook, the go-to receiver for Washington did the same thing to his ACL after last week's game. So Russ made a sign to try to get on TV...

Quote Of the Day 9/14/00

ACLs
Bench
reCeivers

He must have been in the nose bleed section, because I watched the whole game and only saw a pregnant chick with a star on her stomach.

Backin' that ass up,

Slim Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Rating Season Ending Injuries

A while ago, back when I was doing the quote of the day via typewriter and Pony Express, I did a movie review every Friday and a random review of different crap every Tuesday. I'm going to try to go back to that format now. Oh, and we're going to all collectively pretend it's Tuesday too.

Season Ending Injuries

ACL - The ever popular injury that sends people out of the NFL by the week. But there are so many ligaments around the knee, that people who completely tear their ACL can still apparently limp around. Some stupider people don't even know they did it (Evil Joe). And what the hell does it stand for? I'll bet 97% of you don't know. B-

Rotator Cuff - This is a little wussy injury that only happens to pitchers who, in my opinion, are like the place kickers of the baseball league. Half of them are too wussy to even get up to bat. Learn to throw with the other arm. Besides, people with this injury can still walk around and shower. D+

Broken bone - Very blah-zay, however I'm supposed to spell that French-sounding word. I broke my tibia or fibula or something. Boring. Unless you did it like Joe Theisman did. Or if the bone sticks out of the skin. C+ (compound fractures and leg injuries add one letter grade each)

Concussion - This isn't a real season ending injury unless you're a huge baby wus. But getting hit so hard that you go unconscious temporarily is a sign of bravery. And stupidity. And it's just football and like sports. You don't hear about wussy baseball guys or tennis chicks getting concussions. Troy Aikman has had 34 concussions in his football career, 12 by the Eagles alone. And he keeps coming back. Concussions are violent and the word sounds cool, but people are up and walking around within minutes. And they feel woozy all the time, which I consider a plus. But I imagine the headaches that follow aren't a joy ride. B+

Achilles - Vinny Testeverde ruptured his Achilles turning to go get a fumble. Nobody hit him. Just plant, twist, pop. An Achilles injury is purely a sign of getting old. But it is the mother of all leg injuries. Try jumping without bending your ankle. You can't. And without the Achilles, you can't bend the ankle. Trust me. You can't walk (unlike that wussy ACL). And it was named after a hero of the Trojan War with a cool story to go along with it about his mom dipping him in the River Styx and stuff. And it is associated with the word "rupture," which is probably even more violent sounding than "concussion." A+

But maybe I'm biased.

Well, I was sitting around with Rich shamelessly watching the women's volleyball club practice late last night. I'll admit, there are some lookers. And look is about all I can do at my Achilles-rupturing age. Anyway, Brad Fergus came up to me and Rich saying that he had found a new appreciation for volleyball now. To get that many tall chicks together with spandex on he said, was genius...

Quote Of the Day 9/12/00

"...and they even have knee pads."

-Big Bad Brad


I don't get it.

Just browsing,

The Watcher.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Insult to Injury

Insult to Injury

So I finally got my temporary handicap sticker. It was rather exciting. Like a coming of age. I finally made the big time injury circuit. Me, Vinny Testeverde and Dan Marino all sit around sharing stories and mocking Joey Galloway, Micheal Westbrook and Evil Joe with their little piddly ACL injuries. But anyway, I was thankful to get it, even though I had to park like 3/4 of a mile away in an abandoned and partially fenced in, out-of-business Levitt's parking lot. But I finally got it. And I drove to school and turned into the upper deck of the parking lot all proud and ready to whip it out and... ALL THE FUCKING HANDICAPPED SPOTS WERE TAKEN!!! What the hell? Where's a handicapped guy gotta park nowadays? So I had to park by the soccer fields again and crutch just as far to work as usual, but now I have a useless piece of red cardboard to prove that I shouldn't have to do that. Stupid UMBC.

There's this guy I work with named Geoff. Most of you have heard about him or know him. He's a pretty quick thinker on his feet. Having said that, I'm probably going to ruin your perception of him by screwing this up, but here goes... I was talking about the bills I've been getting recently from my surgeon, anesthesiologist, and hospital. When I told him the price of the hospital one, he asked if that was from the OR Room. Which, as I pointed out to him is redundant. OR Room would stand for Operating Room Room. It's either OR or O Room. And I don't think anybody calls it the O Room. That would just sound funny to doctors who don't need to be laughing for some stupid reason like that in the middle of an incision. So anyway, I told him he was wrong. But he refuses to be wrong and justifies his answer...

Quote Of the Day 9/11/00

"Actually, it is the OR Room. The Oper... Rating... Room."

G-Off.


I didn't even bring up GMI Institute of Technology.

Crutch fucked by the man,

Gimpy Daddy D.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Every Other Morning

Every Other Morning

There comes a time in all of your lives when you have to just look at the actual date and realize it doesn't correlate with the QOTD date and accept it and move on. Today is going to be another one of those times. Tomorrow looks about the same also. If you must know why I do this, it's because years from now, when I look back on all these quotes in trying to put together my autobiography, "Everything Sucks; A Life In the Life of Me," I'm going to try to convince myself I was very orderly and did all these quotes on the actual day the message says. This last paragraph, however, is going to throw a serious wrench into things. Oh well. But anyway, that's why I backdate a lot of these. The underlying reason, of course, is that I'm lazy, late, and anal, a lethal combination of character traits. Kind of like being drunk, covered in gasoline, and at a campfire with people who want to kill you. But probably not that lethal.

A billion years ago, Tony, Meawad and I drove down to Florida for Spring Break. Before we left, we made a bet on which song we'd hear the most often on the way down, knowing that we'd be using the seek feature on the radio. My bet was Slide, and Tony's was Every Morning. Chris probably picked something, but he wasn't close to being in the running. Probably It's Raining Men or something like that. Anyway, we had driven all the way down and around Fla and were almost out of Virginia on our way back, with me ahead by 1. Tony picked up his cell phone and called HFS...

Quote Of the Day 9/8/00

"I know this might be a strange request, but in about 20 minutes, could you play Every Morning twice?"

-Tone-Def


Well, his attempts at cheating failed and I won the bet anyway! In fact, I question whether or not he actually placed the call. Now that I think about it, it was a thumb and a finger masquerading as a phone, but that isn't nearly as funny.

Better late than loser,

Gimp Master D.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Parked Into Submission

Parked Into Submission

I finally, after years of struggling with the theory, have found proof that not only does hard work pay off, but so does laziness. Last Wednesday, I was too lazy to get up and leave work, so seeing that I was still here at 10pm, Geoff suggested I take Thursday off. If I had gotten the drive to actually get up off my ass and crutch the mile and a half out to my car, I would have had to work Thursday. Instead, I got the opportunity to do the leg work I needed to do (no pun intended) to get temporary handicap stickers. I actually have to go back Tuesday and take care of some crap in order to get them, but I will have them as of next Tuesday. Which in turn, will enable me to be even more lazy. Isn't America great?

But I'll possibly have to face the same dilemma I faced there last week when I went. I got there at around 1:00, and if you've been to the MVA in Glen Burnie, you know that the parking lot is flat. Probably not something a lot of people pay close attention to, but you guys know what's up. Anyway, at this time of the day, there are also no pull through spots. So I'm in a relatively bad situation. There was a nice spot up front, and after driving around for about 5 or 10 minutes, I figured "fuck it. I'll figure it out when I get back out." Well, I eventually got back out and had to, as I put it earlier, figure it out. It wasn't easy. I always feel nervous going to the MVA as it is. It's like driving into the lion's den. No tags on the front of the car, no insurance (which has been corrected mom), and I think I missed a vehicle emissions test sometime a while ago too. And I'm not sure if it's law to have a car that goes backwards, but it's probably not great that mine doesn't. They'd find something to write a ticket about.

So anyway, when I got back out to my car, there was a cop about 50 feet away, giving some lady in the middle of the parking lot a ticket. I figured I'd wait for him to be done, then I'd go. This must have been the most complicated citation in the world. I can't even fathom what would have taken them so long. They kept walking around the car inspecting it and pushing down on the hood and the trunk and yelping like monkeys (OK, now I'm just making stuff up). Anyway, I had to sit there for 50 minutes from when I got into my car. People were driving by looking for a spot and asking me if I was leaving. I'm like "No, I'm just gonna hang out here and read my magazine. Sorry." I tried several times as discretely as possible to push the car out with my opposite leg, but the car is very heavy, and "discrete" was not the word to use to describe it. Some hot chick walked by during one attempt, causing me to need to abort it. It was pretty embarrassing, but after reading the "privileges of handicapped stickers and tags" pamphlet 3 times, you are willing to compromise pride for freedom. Needless to say, I eventually got out. Even with the hot chick looking under her hood 3 cars down from me. So in order to combat this problem, I think I may need to park at the McDonalds across the street and crutch over to get my handicap parking stickers. Which will enable me to park in an even closer spot I won't be able to get out of. Life sucks.

Julie had her 21st birthday party this past Friday. She got a little tankered. Anyway, the night was winding down and a few of us were chillin in her room having a conversation, but for the most part, just letting her be drunk. She was babbling and giggling and slurring and from out of nowhere, she reached halfway across the room yelling "too bright!" and smacked the head of her desk lamp so it bent around and faced the wall. "That's better" she said, and cackled a sort of half cute, half evil cackle. We were all just sort of laughing, relatively amused at this action when Jaquez chimed in...

Quote Of the Day 9/7/00

"Was that the dimmer switch?"

-Quez


You should see her shut off the snooze alarm.

Stuck in a parking nightmare,

Grieving in Glen Burnie.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Wanna hear something funny? It's also not gross like that last funny thing I sent, which I feel like I need to apologize for again. Anyway, I broke the elevator in the RAC. I was hanging out at our men's volleyball practice, a little too tempted to go out onto the court in my crutches, I might add, when all of a sudden, I noticed that I lost Blue. Blue is a stuffed dog from Blues Clues, a kids TV show with a host named "Steve" who allegedly looks a lot like me. Anyway, the last day of camp, one of my girls got me a small stuffed Blue with magnetic paws. I realized very early on that he easily fit his paws around my crutch so that, as Good Joe pointed out, he was humping it. I like it a lot. Very cute to win over chicks with the cute pity factor, yet subtly seductive. I actually haven't been able to capitalize on any of the pity yet. But I still got a couple months. If anybody has suggestions, I'm willing to take them.

So anyway, I noticed Blue was missing, and I had become very attached to this guy, almost quite literally. So I panicked and ran around looking for him. I found him in the crack of the elevator, which I promptly pried open to rescue the poor magnetic inanimate object. I hit the elevator button to try to get him out first, and it wouldn't work. So I guess technically Blue broke the elevator. But it's broken. And O Hernrily as it is, now I, the one person in the entire building that really, REALLY needs the elevator, has to take the stairs because Blue broke it. I must have missed this episode. Fucking dog.

I don't even think Mike was drinking before he said this one, so I just have to attribute it to stupidity. Mike, Joe, and I were cleaning up Kevin's apartment (Mike and I were sitting down on the couch, and Joe was cleaning up) and Joe ran across a coke can on the table that was apparently a little more full than he had thought it was going to be. He said something like "whoa" or gasped or did something to draw enough attention to himself that Mike jumped in asking what was up...

Quote Of the Day 9/5/00

Joe: "There's an almost full coke can on the table."
Mike: "Is it open?"


Gosh, I hope so.

Falling down the stairs,

Black and Blue.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Motivation

Achilles and the Motivation

Can I just tell you guys how unmotivated I am to do work? Since I got hurt, between the initial running around (no pun intended) to doctors offices and such, my trip to Portland, and my week-long post-surgery sabbatical, I had three weeks in a row off. Now I'm back at work, and it's cool to see everybody again, but I kinda liked that week where I just lied down on the couch and let people bring me food. That's a difficult lifestyle to give up. Especially for one where you have to drive to a place miles away and do stuff other people tell you to do. Now I know why bums are bums. I don't necessarily condone the lifestyle of a bum, but I at least understand it. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to play a computer game or update my fantasy football team. I can barely muster up enough energy to e-mail and that's really all I'm equipped to do right now. I almost have to force myself to download porn. It's getting bad.

I don't have too many quotes of the day come from the bathroom, so this should be a treat. Yet, it isn't. It's actually pretty gross. But I've already started typing it and I can't motivate myself to start over and find a different quote...

Quote Of the Day 9/4/00

Good Joe: (from in the stall) "This toilet paper isn't working."
Me: (from outside the stall) "Define 'isn't working.'"
Good Joe: (from the stall again) "It's adding more shit to my ass."


I chose to wait until we got home to do take a dump.

Unmotivated,

.


Still Stranded Right Here...


(Damn, this one was disgusting)

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

I lost a very close friend to marriage last month. And for those of you who have yet to experience a REALLY good friend's wedding, it's a lot different than an uncle's or distant cousin's wedding or something like that. It's kinda really sad to know I'll never see Kevin again, but at the same time it's uplifting realizing that it wasn't me that it happened to. Joe, Mike and I flew out to Portland to see him off. The wedding was fairly uneventful for the most part. Well, uneventful in the respect that the entire ceremony was possibly the biggest event in the lives of at least 2 people, but you probably know what I mean. At any rate, standard stuff, angelic music, lots of flash photography, long white dress, etc. And Kevin almost made it through the entire thing. They did the I do thing and on their way out, Kevin looked at his mom and started crying. We happened to be seated right behind his mom. My theory is that he actually saw us, knew it was too late for him to turn back now, and started crying out of jealousy of our freedom. Or something like that. Or maybe the wedgie he couldn't pick for the whole hour finally got too much for him to bare. At any rate, I won't be walking the plank for a long time, I'll tell you all that much.

I do have one serious critique about the whole process, however. His best man was his brother, Erick. That's not the critique. But the best man has in my opinion, two MAJOR responsibilities. Making sure he remembers the ring, and throwing a kick-ass bachelor party the last day before dying. Well, come the night before the wedding, there was nothing. What the hell is that? Erick wasn't even around. Me, Mike and Joe went out and got beer and played cards with him. Not much of a bachelor party, but we didn't know any strippers in Oregon. Or any girls for that matter. Now I said it then, but I'll say it again to everybody. I told Mike and Joe that I don't have a brother (which they already knew), so in all likelihood, one of them or Tony will be my best man. So don't fuck it up! I'm counting on you not to let me down here. If necessary, I'll hire a best man based on who I think will throw the best bachelor party for me. I think I still have Greg Norris' phone number somewhere. No, seriously, I think the bachelor party should be one last yee-haa of being single and it should last a whole week. Everybody got that? And I'll be disappointed if I don't get embarrassed in the best man toast at the reception. I may change my mind about that one. But not the stripper idea or some relatively equivocal replacement.

Kevin did do one good thing for us all. He knew his 3 single friends were flying a couple thousand miles to see him for an entire week, so he did what any self-respecting friend would do in such a case. He tried to set us up with different girls out there. He was telling me on the phone that the girl he found for Mike was a short waitress with nice... personalities, and the girl he had for Joe was a tall, blond, drop-dead-gorgeous stewardess...

Quote Of the Day 9/1/00

"and yours is... really funny."

-The married guy formerly known as Kevin


Gee thanks. She's probably very punctual too. How's her grammar?

Single and doing it wrong,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...