Christmas CD Burnout

Christmas CD Burnout

Well, it's 1:28 in the morning, I'm knee deep in burnt CDs, and I'm still stuck at the office after having been off the clock since 2 in the afternoon. I hope you all appreciate this. Actually, this would be going a lot faster if I could stop playing with amihotornot.com. I actually walk through malls shouting out "7" and clicking on girls' faces. This is a serious addiction. I need help. But anyway, the point is that I'm here and it's late. I hope you all appreciate this because I'm not doing anything next year. Some people say I'm stressing too much. I agree with those people. Others say I shouldn't have procrastinated this much. Those are the people I'm going to shoot with a gun. Not that I don't have any Christmas spirit, but it seems like it coincides with when I have meals. What a total guy thing. My emotions can sway with the consumption of a pop tart. Get me food for Christmas. And if you bring it to me in the office now, I'll give you next year off.

I went to a club with a few people last Thursday (which I could not go to tonight because of the impending holiday), and outside the door, there existed this guy yelling "If you're over 21, get in this line... If you're under 21, get in this line" as he pointed to 2 different lines. Aaron turned to me and said...

Quote Of the Day 12/21/00

"Well, what if you're 21?"

-A-Rock


Well, Aaron had to leave.

Decking the halls with pop tarts,

The Extendinator.


Still Sledding Right Here...

The War Against Raw

The War Against Raw

Well, I've finally reached the point where I need to get this off of my chest. I had to do something no man should ever have to do in his own home last Monday. I actually had to watch football on the dryer. Has it gotten that bad now? Wrestling has claimed the lives of so many of my close friends. It's sad. And it's not just people like Russ. There are these allegedly intelligent people who refuse to go out or away from a TV with wrestling on it. They all jump up and root for their favorite wrestlers (which in this case usually means they have the coolest theme music) like it's a sport. First of all, it's not a sport. If I can get the results of the match on the internet days before it occurs, it's not a sport. It's a soap opera combined with a well choreographed dance routine. Obviously, when people hit the mat hard, they actually do hit the mat hard. I don't deny that it's a physical activity, much in the same way rhythm gymnastics is a physical activity. The counterargument to that is that there are also times in which they fall for no reason. You don't see too much of that in football unless you're watching the Redskins. (OK, now I'm just hitting below the belt). So if you don't mind telling people you're watching a dance, I guess that's just your cup of tea.

I'm not arguing that the WWF aren't marketing geniuses. After all, they managed to sell this product to so many freakin people across the nation. They rival the producers of The Blair Witch project in that area. And if you've seen an XFL commercial, you know what I'm talking about. For example, they made the people who are in favor of censorship and against Playboy and other such female exploiting magazines the bad guys. Meanwhile, they made the beer guzzling, violent for no reason, drops cars on people from 30 feet in the air asshole the hero. Parents must love this concept. Anyway, little things like that and big things like the fact that it's all scripted out and just stupid in general that makes me not be able to stand it. The fact that I had to resort to watching Chris Carter make his 1000th career catch on the dryer on the little TV makes me hate it even more. I'm outvoted by both of my roommates now. And we entertained talk of having Mike move down here too! I think I'd break a TV or two before I had to move out. I suppose it has its superficial appeal. Seeing half naked guys roll around with each other on a canvas can appeal to some people. But if I want to see some guy hold another guys legs in the air in the spread eagle position, so that his partner can wiggle his tongue around and dive his mouth into the helpless victim's crotch, I'll go onto Russ' computer and check out his Gay Pollock porn site bookmarks. I dunno. I guess I just don't get it.

A while ago, Russ and I were talking about the names of intramural teams, and how both of us thought that the intramural football team "Beer" had the best name by far. I told him I was surprised that there weren't to my knowledge any wrestling references in any of the team names. He offered this as counterpoint...

Quote Of the Day 12/18/00

"Well, that's probably because most 'real athletes' don't give wrestling the respect it deserves."

-Russ "It Doesn't Matter" Johnson


Mind you, I actually turned the Jets game off a while back for a bra and panties match, but that's where I draw the line.

Laying down the smack,

The Pebble.


Still Standing Right Here...

Tony Toni Toe Knee

Tony Toni Toe Knee

Whatever I had planned on writing for this quote of the day has now been eclipsed by the fact that I just realized what time it is. So here's an article from last week's New York Times:

GORE CALLS FOR RECOUNT OF SUPREME COURT VOTE WASHINGTON, DC-- An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.

Wait, did I say "New York Times?" I meant "The Onion."

Quote Of the Day 12/7/00

"My only good knees are my toes."

-Boss Man Gary


I didn't know what he meant when he said it last year, but I think I can understand him now.

Meters to go before I sleep,

Meters to go before I sleep,

Screaming Frost.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating American Time Zones

American Time Zones

Central - As time zones go in the US, this one is fairly acceptable. It's the largest one in the country due in large part to Texas, but it does split the Dakotas and Nebraska in half with the Mountain Time Zone, which is pretty fucked up. B

Pacific - The Pacific time zone only takes up 4 states and a small part of Idaho. Very underachieving. It's our smallest time zone and I think I know why. People have to wake up at like 8 in the morning on a Sunday to watch football. Who the hell wants to do that? And I was over in Portland during a Monday Night Football game and midway through the 4th quarter, it was still light out. I just couldn't live like that. Then again, I wouldn't need to stay up until 3am just to watch Moonlighting. C-

Eastern - This is obviously the dominant time zone in the country. Everything is "Eastern time." 10:00 Eastern time, 8 eastern/7 central time, coming up except on the west coast... That's another reason I don't like the Pacific time zone. They always gotta be different. Also, "Eastern Time" has now turned commonly into "Eastern Standard Time," further supporting that dominant time zone theory. A

Mountain - I've had my problems with this damn time zone in the past, and they were for very justified reasons. They just don't care as much about times and schedules out there. They have states that just don't feel like setting their clocks back or ahead ever. That can really fuck up a couple long distance travellers trying to pick up somebody's sister from the airport. And I had to argue with Kevin for about 2 hours to finally convince him that there weren't 5 time zones in the continental US. Stupid Arizona. D+

The Wadfather was down here for a little bit over Thanksgiving Break. Russ, Tony, and I had the fortune of dining with him at Rocky Run before he left again for Boston. He was telling us that we should come up to visit him sometime. He mentioned a Pub that he goes to a lot. They have a dollar draft happy hour and they have Guiness, Bass, Magic Hat 9, Resurrection...

Quote Of the Day 11/28/00

"You had me at Guiness."

-Russ.


Don't even get me started on the International Date Line.

Too tired to think,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Why We Should Have a Queen

Why We Should Have a Queen

Well, they've finally reached a decision, and it looks like Bush is finally going to be our president. Oh, wait. No, they made the decision too quickly. This is now going in circles. It's insane. I think the winner is going to be the one who doesn't concede. Eventually, somebody's going to just give up, and the other one will become president, and will most likely be hated for the crap they put the nation through to get in there. I wonder what other countries think of us. "Dumb American fucks. That's why they should have a queen." So now Gore is pleading that they should go through and count all the votes in Florida, and Bush is complaining that the Florida state law says that they're not supposed to. And he's right. What the hell kind of law is against counting all the votes? This is why I don't vote. It's very discouraging. So Gore wants all the votes to be counted because he's losing. That's natural. And Bush wants them to stick to their word, their law, and concede the presidential race to him because they didn't count all the ballots in time. That stinks. I really don't have a strong feeling about either of these guys, but for Bush to come across basically saying that the will of the US citizens is not as important as what the Florida law says makes him sound like a bunghole. How will Americans be able to support this guy after that? And the Gore campaign claims that if they counted the partially indented ballots, that he'd probably be winning now. I guess Democrats just aren't as adept at punching holes. Whatever. I'm willing to bet that whoever it is that will finally be our president will only be there for one term. Unless of course, Dukakis runs again.

I went back home to spend this past weekend with some old friends in PA. As usually happens, we wound up playing this game which greatly resembles Scattegories, but instead of categories like "Boys name," and "things that are black," we have categories like "Bad pick up lines," "stupid animals and an explanation why," and "euphemisms for genitalia and/or sex." Well, one of the categories was "Fake Onion Headlines," and for those of you who don't know, the Onion is a farce of a news magazine with articles both in print and online such as "Dallas Receiver Arrested For Failure To Possess Cocaine," and "80 Billion Tons Of Jar Jar Merchandise Now 70 Percent Off." Anyway, the letter was P and here was Good Joe's Onion Headline...

Quote Of the Day 11/27/00

Presidential Race Finally Over, Bush To Become President For Remaining Year and a Half of Term

-Good Joe


It could happen.

Not necessarily the news,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies - This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It's gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can't escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents - Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don't care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it's cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser's head. And it turns out that grandma doesn't listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn't pay for. B+

Vacation Time - This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That's an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you're lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family - Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get "So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what's her name? I know somebody you'd like." No you don't, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn't work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don't have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It's when they lapse back into "So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?" that I can't stand. I'm sure they're interested, but nothing's going on and I'd rather not talk about it. But you can't say that to them or it's considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That's really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat's fur and in its paws. She didn't have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied...

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

"That's why I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree."

-Boss Man G.


Of course, he's Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

It's Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

It's Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

Well, it seems like a decision has finally been made about the presidency. Again, we don't matter, only Florida matters. Well, the Florida Supreme Court has decided to let the recount last until Sunday, at which time, a final number ABSOLUTELY MUST be reached. So if they don't count your vote before Sunday, then it doesn't get counted. That sounds about fair. The Bush people are pissed off at the decision. He feels that the decision of who is to be president should be decided by Florida state law, not the will of the people. I'm really getting annoyed at this whole process. I think we should just put it off another year. Clinton did pretty good with the country in the past 8 years. We're off the ground and in the air. Let's just let er coast for a year, and then we'll sort all this mess out. Besides, what did our forefathers know about the length of a presidential term? A lot of new crap has happened since that damn Constitution was written. Washington chopped down a cherry tree and couldn't tell a lie, and Clinton shoved a Cuban up Monica's (insert your own vaginal euphemism) and redefined the age old word "is." I'm kinda sick of all this legal garbage. Both sides are starting to look like sore losers. They both remind me of soccer coaches that blame the ref for their loss after the game is over. Whine, whine. And now those poor Floridians have to spend all weekend counting these chad things. "No thanks, that's enough turkey for me. I have to go back to the office and count those tiny fucking pieces of cardboard for the rest of the weekend. Save me some cranberry sauce." Well, at least this close race proves that every vote counts. Unless you didn't quite punch the hole all the way through. In which case, it gets thrown out.

Kevin (my idiot friend that not only moved to Portland, but got married in the process) called the other day to tell me his plans for the trip home this Thanksgiving and also to thank me for the George Foreman Grill Mike and I got him for the wedding. Anyway, he went on to say how much he uses the thing, and the following conversation ensued...

Quote Of the Day 11/17/00

Kev: "Yeah, it works great. It was the first gift we actually used when we got back."
Me: "Cool. It cooks fast, doesn't it?"
Kev: "Yes it does. Our food was ready so fast, we weren't even hungry yet."


I must have mistakenly got him the one with the back to the future knob.

Done with the word "elector" for another 4 years,

Lord Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Negative Hour Man

Negative Hour Man

Well, I finally found out why the car I bought cost $1000 less than every other car in the lot. I have hit every combination and sequence of buttons possible and still can't turn the damn clock back an hour. I knew I shoulda waited another 3 weeks to buy the thing. So now I'm constatly doing math trying to figure out what time it is in the car. That math being subtracting 1 from the hours column, but it's still math. So I'm just gonna have to live with the math for another 5 1/2 months. That, and the car won't start when it's under 40 degrees. I'm naming the car Buccaneer. (Only really nerdy football guys will get that one.)

So anyway, Tony and me and probably somebody else or two went out to Bennigans a while back and I ordered the Buffalo Shrimp, which was common to me, as I've worked there for a while, but Tony had never heard of it...

Quote Of the Day 11/16/00

"Buffalo Shrimp? What's that, like Doug Flutie on a bun?"

-Tone-Sarcastic


They mock because they're jealous. And because the guy's really freakin short! I can't believe his mom let's him play football.

Always an hour ahead,

Negative Hour Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Days of the Week

I know I haven't done this in a while, but here are the Tuesday ratings for this week.

Days Of the Week

Saturday - Most Saturdays are spent trying desperately to get over a hangover so I can go out drinking again at night. My make or break point is usually around 7. If I still have a headache at 7, it's down time day. And the cool thing about Saturday is that you can do that crap. When you roll into work on Tuesday with a hangover, the day is not nearly as forgiving. A

Monday - This used to be the worst day of the week, because it was a cruel reminder of responsibility and a wake up call to the tune of Real Life singing "The Fun's Over Meathead, Get the Fuck Up." I hear that song about 4 or 5 times every morning in 9 minute intervals. But the night makes the day worthwhile. It has two of the greatest TV programs ever. Boston Public and Monday Night Football. That's right. Wrestling isn't even in the top 2 best shows on Monday night. Anyway, it makes up for the delirious funk I muddle through to make it to 8:00. B+

Thursday - Now this one is confusing. It was part of the weekend when I was in college, but it really isn't for people in the working world. Mind you, this is for people with real jobs like Mike and other people. I work, but part time. And at a college. So I'm really confused. But for other working persons, Friday is still an 8 hour work day that starts at 8 or something like that. Thursday is confusing now. And wrestling is on again. C-

Sunday - No other sport completely monopolizes a day like football does to Sundays for 17+4 straight weeks. And I LOVE IT! I drag myself out of bed at 11:00 to watch the pre-game shows and usually don't leave the recliner unless (with the exception of getting food) until about midnight. I fall asleep during halftime of one game and wake up during halftime of another game. It's a guy's bliss. And there's usually no wrestling to contend with. Awesome! A+

I actually learned this weekend that Philadelphia is last in the league at calling the coin toss to begin the game, having only gotten it right 2 out of the 11 games they've had. I think I watch too much football. I was talking to Russ about all the fantasy players I was trying to get on my team. I don't think I'd be able to afford them all and neither did he...

Quote Of the Day 11/14/00

"You're gonna have to start giving your players signing bonuses in order to fit them under the cap."

-Russ


I have two players holding out for higher salaries as it is. I hope I don't have to involve the lawyers like last year.

Living a fantasy,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Real Job Search

The Real Job Search

Well, everybody. Today is a landmark day in the life of one of my good friends. Today, Lance McMikey Chaka Khanover actually started a "real job," that doesn't include serving fish to old Jewish people. At least not in as far as he's described it to me. In fact, he's working 8-4 and he gets benefits and sick days and lunch hours any everything. This milestone is especially important because Mike used to be the only friend I had who was possibly less motivated than myself when it came to getting a job. Now he's gone and upstaged me. I don't have sick days. I just have days where I don't come in. I guess it's like the same thing. Same with vacation. I just tell Gary I won't be around next week. But not Mikey. He got a real job. Even realler than the one I have now. But I'll bet he can't red card people on a regular basis. I might not get health insurance, but I have my own "benefits." About a year ago, I went out with Mike and tried to talk him into getting out of Red Lobster. Like, working there, not like he was stuck in the building or anything. Anyway, I tried the old "no chick is gonna wanna be with a fish servin lackey" bit. He didn't bite. He told me he was "looking for a job." I said "Mike. You're not talking to your parents here. I know what 'looking for a job' means. Now what exactly were you doing to try to find a job?"

Quote Of the Day 11/13/00

"Well, I'd spend about 45 minutes on Monster.com typing in stuff about newspaper entry level positions... and then I'd play Civilization for about 8 hours."

-Yelnick McFreelander


I told you guys he was unmotivated.

Still looking for that "real job,"

The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Achilles and the Perspiration

Achilles and the Perspiration

Thursday marked the 3 month anniversary of the bad day. And I did something that Thursday that I don't think I've done since it happened. I actually sweat. I know it sounds pretty trite to brag about perspiration, but it took me by surprise. I was peppering around with Rich when I looked down and realized I was sweating. It was a milestone in my recovery stage. I'm excited. I'm actually trying to find other ways to sweat. If any of you know any redheaded volleyball chicks, tell them I'd like a little help with this new stage of physical therapy. In fact, they don't even really need to play volleyball. Or have red hair. The chicks part is mandatory though.

Speaking of volleyball chicks, our girls club team is playing in a tournament at JMU this weekend. They left this morning at 4:30am to get there. That's pretty damn early. They were talking about it at practice on Tuesday and one of the girls asked if somebody would make sure she was awake on time...

Quote Of the Day 11/10/00

"You mean kinda like a wake up call? What do you think this is? A Holiday Inn?"

-Bach


From out of nowhere some old lady started cracking up.

3 months down, 3 to go,

Sweating Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Florida's Worst

Florida's Worst

Hold the phone!! There's a red flag on the field. What the hell happened?!? I went to bed and we had a president and I woke up and we didn't. Who figured that going to bed at 3:30 was too early? I guess the people at CNN just wanted to go to bed at that point too. Well, if that's the case, I'm glad they're recounting everything. I'd hate to have our fate for the next four years sealed because reporters and election officials were getting too tired. And to all you Bush/Cheney fans out there who think the Democrats are being sore losers, I say let's take the extra week and not fuck it up. And I think I heard something about how the electoral vote can be swayed if the popular vote favors the other candidate. If this is the case, then why don't we just say fuck the electoral vote system and just go with the popular vote? But I'm probably misunderstanding something.

So for those of you who live in a darkened cave or have been trapped under something heavy with all sources of external stimuli off, here's the presidential race throwdown as explained by the definition of a layman: The man who will lead us for the next four years, direct our country into the new millennium (whether you believe my reasoning or not), our executive role model for the next tenure, will be chosen by 19,000 residents of Palm Beach County, Florida. We no longer matter. We're done. The only people that matter anymore are the voters of Palm Beach, Florida. Not just any 19,000 voters, but the stupidest 19,000 residents who were too dumb to fill out the ballot properly. These are the citizens who will choose our leader. 19,000 old Jewish ballot filling out fuck-ups. Apparently, there were way too many votes for Pat Buchanan of the Nazi party that somebody figured something had to be wrong. So Palm Beach, Florida will probably revote. I wouldn't be surprised if Dan Marino became our next president. Well, OK. It's still just between Gore and Bush. I hope if they revote that nobody votes for Nader either. They know it won't matter. His name on the ballot might as well have been Neither, because that's pretty much what a vote for him was. So the world's got to wait for Palm Beach to decide what they're gonna do. I think it's funny that Oregon is also still undecided, but nobody gives a shit. Fuck Oregon. It rains too much there anyway.

I'll tell you one thing about this presidential debacle. It's made it more interesting to watch. It's like a game. My team's ahead, my team's behind. It's a close one, we'll have to go to the replay. It's still too close. May go into overtime. I was talking about the race with a friend of mine, and he agreed that it was a hell of a contest to watch...

Quote Of the Day 11/9/00

"Don't get me wrong, it's no Monday Night Football, but it's still pretty exciting."

-Matt (Lordsoccer)


Sad as it is, I think I'd watch Monday Night Football if it were on against the election coverage. Until Gore bounces a ball on his helmet and shoulderpads and still pulls it off the ground and runs for a touchdown in overtime, I'll take my chances with Dennis Miller and gang.

Florida's best,

Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "Unbreakable"

Review of "Unbreakable"

I haven't done this in maybe 6 or 7 months, but I used to do a movie review every Friday. Now that I've found out that we get free pay-per-view for some lucky reason, I don't think I'll run out of material. Anyway, I saw the new M. Knight Shyamalan flick with Bruce Willis that might as well have been the sequel to Sixth Sense. It's not a sequel, in case I've confused anyone, but I was looking forward to a really good movie again, being as though these two teamed up to make my favorite movie of all time last year. So I went in with impossible expectations. Here's what happened:

I liked it. A lot. But I can't tell you why. I can't really tell you anything about the film without giving it away. It can be slow and plot developing in parts, but it's worth not sleeping through those parts to watch the other parts make a lot more sense. A lot of you will like it and think it's really awesome. A lot of you will be bored and probably not get unbored. But I can't say anything about the film without letting one or two cats out of the bag. The trailer, which is pretty much the first 5 minutes of the film, sums it up pretty good. Train Wreck. Everyone's dead but Bruce. He's miraculously unharmed. Samuel L. Jackson has a bad haircut. Weird.

I still recommend you all see it. I saw it the first two nights it came out and I'm ready to go again. In fact, I'd be willing to buy the ticket of anyone who wants to go see it again. However, I would require that you buy my ticket. I'm not made of money. I guess that would be like going double dutch. Anyway, the film is still awesome, possibly perfect, but not quite worthy of extra buggage (Sixth Sense got 11 bugs). I am, however, giving it the full 10 bugs. Oh yeah. It's that good.

I don't know if I ever told all you people this, but when me, Mike and Kevin travelled across the country, Mike and I wound up picking up chicks on two separate occasions. Well, Kevin was becoming antsy and insisted that the next chick we meet, he should be allowed to have first dibs on her, because it was "his turn." Well, he's married now. We were joking about that on the phone the other day about how he finally got a turn...

Quote Of the Day 11/8/00

"Marriage isn't a turn... It's a forfeit."

-Kevin DeForrest Hershey


Still Standing Right Here...

A Bush and a Dick

A Bush and a Dick

So we have a new president finally. It's about friggin time. The last election I actually watched coverage of was Bush-Dukakis and I was in bed by 8:00. And once again, it looks like we'll have a republican president, senate, and house of reps. You guys did not do a good job of spreading my rumor. Oh well. We have a new pres for the next 4 years, even though the popular vote could still go either way. I still don't know how that electoral vote thing works exactly. Tony tried to explain it to me and it probably sounded like when I tried to explain the quarterback passer rating system to Suzanne. All I know is that Florida was the key (no pun intended). And it took them until 2:fucking:30 to make a decision. And George Dubya is Florida's favorite, so we have to live with him and Dick for the next four years. And this officially gives Clinton a place in history between two bushes. He always seemed like more of a breast man.

Speaking of boob men, I went to watch the girls soccer club team play a game this past weekend. One of the girls took a shot right in the boob with the ball. Jason Corns (ghost of quote past) made a comment to the effect of that the word Nike was probably tattooed across her boobs now. I told him that she actually only got hit in the left boob, and within a minute, she took one in the right boob. We estimate that probably left a swoosh mark. How scary would that be if you went out with that girl at night and got to second base and saw that...

Quote Of the Day 11/7/00

"Wow! Your boobs are sponsored!"

-Jason


I just noticed that we now have a bush and a dick in the white house. It just gets funnier and funnier. I've always preferred bush to gore anyway.

Done with the puns,

Senator Quorax.


Still Standing Right Here...

Don't Rock the Vote

Don't Rock the Vote

So tomorrow is the day. The day where everybody can pretend that they actually have a say in who is going to lead our nation for the next four years. I mean, I'm sure on one hand every vote counts and stuff, but on the other hand, I'm a pretty busy guy, and I mean really, how much am I gonna sway the vote? If the guy I want to win loses by one popular vote, then I'll kick myself for the next four years and vote in 2004, but I'm not really that influential a person. I couldn't even get Doug Flutie on the NFL all-star ballot again this year. Besides, I'm voting for Mickey Mouse and he loses every year. And on yet a third hand, I haven't been following the political race at all. Maybe I really should be, but it falls right smack in the middle of football season. I know how little I know about these clowns running for president, and I hope people like me aren't voting. My vote would be based on George Dubya's mispronunciation of sublinable, and that really shouldn't be enough. I'm gonna let the smarter people vote. Problem with that is that the smarter people also tend to be the richer people. Or at least the ones that care enough about our future to watch debates and stuff. It's a responsibility thing. And the candidates know this. They do what they gotta do to get elected. So they cater to the haves instead of the have nots. Who do you thing funds their campaign? Poor people? And this is why our nation is so top heavy. But like I said, I haven't been following the race at all. Good Joe told me he thought Gore had a good plan for education, and that's good enough for me. In my opinion, that's where we need to start. We're so gung ho on the new technology that we've let our education system go to shit. Maybe if we stopped paying our teachers like the guy second in charge of the McFlurry machine, more decent teachers would pop up, and there wouldn't be such a teacher shortage. Who wants to go to college to become a $32/year teacher when you can make $70 in an entry level data entry position for some startup.com company? I don't know. I'm tired and cranky and should have been in bed hours ago. Damn Moonlighting. It comes on later every night I think. Anyway, go vote. Actually, I just heard that because there are so many people voting this year, that they are having all the democrats vote on Tuesday and all the Republicans vote Wednesday. Make sure you tell everybody.

Quote Of the Day 11/6/00

Dad: "Dust, I need a loan."
Me: "Alright dad. I'll leave you alone."


I hope that's what he meant.

Don't rock the vote, baby,

Extendo-duck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Achilles Healed

Achilles Healed

The gig's up. I'm no longer on crutches or in a cast. I'm walking again. It's a little bit upsetting. I kinda miss the crutches. People felt sorry for me. I got some respect. Actually, I guess it was really just pity, but it could be confused for respect at times. Anyway, now I'm just limping around with a little brace on. It's cool to walk again, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of people asking me if I sprained an ankle. "No, I ruptured my Achilles tendon." "Oh, really? I think I did that once." The hell you did, ass face. People don't get out of my way anymore when I try to walk through a door or anything. I'm no longer a cute crutch boy the girl at the check-out line feels sorry for. Now I'm just a sorry gimp with a semi-permanent limp. Not nearly as easy to pick up chicks this way. I think I'm just a little annoyed that people no longer appreciate the severity of my injury. Not that I want people to appreciate my injury, but when that's all you got going for you, you want... well, I guess that is what I want. I'm sick of people passing me on the stairs or kicking the back of my foot and not really knowing just how bad it feels. And I want chicks. Or at least one. A cute one. With money.

I don't know if many of you are paying attention to baseball now, but the Os just signed Cal Ripken "Jr." to a one year $6.3 million deal for the upcoming year. I was sitting around with Isaac watching this story unfold on Sportscenter last night...

Quote Of the Day 10/26/00

"My God. He's stealing money!"

-Isaac


Well, how else are you gonna get fans in the seats to watch such a shitty team?

It's all about the Benjamins, baby,

Crutch X.


Back to Standing Again...

Rating Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Sell it - I can't remember if I actually tried to back up the last car I bought out of an ad in the newspaper. It probably didn't even cross my mind to check it out because I would assume that every car in the world would have it. So it's possible that I could con some unsuspecting victim into buying the thing for a few hundred bucks, if they neglected to check that feature out during the test drive. And they never needed to come to a complete stop. But even as much of a prick as I am, I don't think I could live with myself in good conscience. F

Fix it up and sell it - I suppose I could go get the $300 brakes fixed up and the $800-$1400 backwards problem fixed and try to sell it to somebody. But would anybody buy that car for around $1300? I did, but I don't think I'm going to find any other takers as stupid as I was. At most, I could probably sell that car for about $800. So basically, I don't think the car as a whole would be worth any more than the transmission I would need to fix it. F

Roll it down a hill into a pond - I'd definitely have a "throw the car into the pond" party for all those willing to risk getting caught by John Q. Law. But even if I found the VID# on the engine block (I think that's where it is) and filed it off, it's still probably just not good for the environment. It's bad enough for the environment on solid ground. Along the same lines as that is joy riding down a steep hill with no brakes and no reverse and playing chicken with whatever is at the bottom of it. But that's also very stupid and life endangering. F

Set it on fire - I suppose that would also be fun, but I'm not really as much a pyromaniac as I want to be, so it probably wouldn't be all that enjoyable. I'd try to collect insurance off of that, but I don't think the bare minimum policy allowed by the state of MD covers intentional fires. I'll check it out. F

Donate it to charity - Well, this has been the suggestion of at least 4 of you via e-mail since I sent out my last message. Most charity places will tow it away for free and give a $500-$1000 tax exemption thingy. Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? Well, this is what I did with the last car (Pimp-Mobile Jr.) when I needed to get rid of him. The thing is is that I don't make enough money to itemize my taxes which would be the only way I'd benefit from the tax exemption thingy. Of course, there's the overwhelming feeling of good that I'm overcome with when I donate a piece of shit car to the American Cancer Society, because God knows they need one, but that's only worth a D. D

Quote Of the Day 10/24/00

Tonedef6: I saw two best picture nominees for the first time today
Tonedef6: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can guess which two
MJConover7: Citizen Kane and Titanic.
Tonedef6: maybe I should have clarified...nominees this year
MJConover7: Gladiator......and Perfect Storm.
Tonedef6: you're really bad at this


He's really bad at a lot of things, actually.

Anybody need a 12-ft parking spot holder,

Limp Daddy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Stop Signs, Rumble Strips and Nuts

Stop Signs, Rumble Strips and Nuts

Well, they finally did it. I know I wrote last year that UMBC would start putting up stop signs on sections of road without intersections. Well, it finally happened. Except they weren't content with just picking out a section of straight road and putting up a stop sign there. Instead, they took an already existing intersection that previously had no stop sign, blocked off the only road you could turn onto, and then put up a stop sign. Picture a T intersection in which you could drive along the top of the T and turn onto the stem. Well, they put up a barrier so nobody can get into the stem now, and put up a stop sign along the top where the stem used to be on the same day. So now we have to stop for absolutely no traffic. For those of you coming into UMBC from 95, you can appreciate my frustration. I've run the damn thing every time and still haven't gotten caught. But now that I have brakes, it's not as much of a huge issue.
In addition, the school has now put a rumble strip around the loop for one reason or another. I'm a big fan of the rumble strip, don't get me wrong. I think it serves a great and important purpose. Hell, I've found myself drifting over them a few very scary times. But they serve a purpose on like... the Atlantic City Expressway and I-95. I can't really see somebody falling asleep driving around the loop. Were there that many incidences that merited such a development? I guess I just don't get it sometimes.

The office is a fun place to work. Lots of characters around. Geoff and Heidi were having a conversation last week about something which is fairly irrelevant now. But here's how the conversation ended...

Quote Of the Day 10/23/00

Geoff: "You're nuts, Hiedi."
Hiedi: "No, Geoff. You're nuts. In fact, you're the definition of nuts."
Geoff: "I'll show you the definition of nuts..."

It's a wonder he had to go to sexual harassment training classes.

The definition of gimp,
Gimp.

Still Stranded Right Here...

Crazy Bout a Mercury

Crazy Bout a Mercury

Well, I did it. I went out and bought a new car today. Well, not really "new," but more like "different." Like for example, it stops when you step on the brakes, and it probably goes backwards. I'm not sure because I just instinctively pushed it out of the dealership. They looked at me really funny. Anyway, it's a 94 Mercury... something. I forget. It's not yellow. There was nothing yellow in my price range. It must be an expensive color.

I've got to take a moment to say goodbye to the Extendo-Mobile. It might have been a piece of shit, but it had character. The Extendo plates just won't look the same on a maroon hatchback. And it provided me with a lot of material for you guys. This new thing looks to be in decent condition. No missing windows (or directions), 3 functional mirrors, and it even has a cupholder for my McFlurry. But it is a stick, which will be fun with my gimpy brace leg, and once I hit 40, the "check engine" light came on. Which, by the way should say "get engine checked," instead of "check engine." I pulled over and checked the engine myself. It was still there. At least I think that was the engine. Anyway, CarMax told me they'd fix it. They're mailing me a 1x1 inch piece of electric tape tomorrow.

I also want to thank Rich for helping me out by coming with me and Joe for being my phone a friend in Michigan. I actually brought Rich with me because I wanted to see if we could steal a car first. He said something about already on probation or some crap. Good friend he is, eh? Anyway, people ask me what I'm doing with the old car and I really don't know yet. Hadn't thought about it. Some people ask why I didn't try to trade it in. "Because it doesn't stop or go backwards" usually ends that conversation. I didn't want to have to push in into the dealership and haggle about it not having reverse and crap. If anybody wants to try, they can seriously have it. The only other decent idea I've come up with is taking the VID # off the front of the car and rolling it down a hill in the woods somewhere or into a lake or something. Dan then mentioned that there was an internal VID # hidden somewhere on the inside of the vehicle so people don't do that sort of thing. Or at least so they don't get away with it. He also said that he knew somebody who could take care of that for me if I wanted him to. Naturally, I asked how...

Quote Of the Day 10/20/00

"Well, let me put it this way. A friend of a friend knows more about cars than he should.

-Vulture Dan.


Maybe I should have gone to Dan before I went and spent hard earned money on a legally purchased vehicle.

Moving forward but going backward,

Dustin.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Smoking Brakes

Smoking Brakes

My car is at it again. It already doesn't have reverse. This is a very major problem, but I've learned to get around it, at least on a temporary basis. Though it does seem like I've been using that word "temporary" for quite a while now. Anyway, now the front right tire squeals all the time, or at least when the radio isn't on and the window isn't up. Then I really can't tell. Anyway, even more disconcerting is the fact that as of Tuesday, every time I brake, there is a really loud and uncomfortable rumbling noise and the car pulls to the right a little bit. The good news is that these two things are probably the same problem. The bad news is that Good "Mr Car Major Dude" Joe seems to believe that the loud rumbling and uneven braking might "not be so good" for the car. And me.

What Joe seems to think has happened is that the brake pad on the right side has worn away and now the metal pad holder (he used some other term I can't remember now) is now grinding against the metal disc on the wheel that the absentee pad should be rubbing against to stop the car. He suggested I get this one fixed like really soon. And this is coming from one of the only guys that agrees with me that reverse isn't a necessity on motor vehicles. He started saying stuff like how if they get hot enough, they could fuse together and lock up the tire and send me skidding into a wall or another car or something. Now I'm probably scaring the crap out of my mother, so let me just say that I'm not really going to skid into any walls or cars, ma. I think I've calculated the point in which I would brake enough for this to happen, and there's a nice soft guard rail on the 95 exit ramp. Besides, it's likely to catch fire before any of this happens. ;) I'm actually afraid to hit the brakes now. I no longer bother slowing down over speed bumps. It's not worth the risk. And the decision between slowing down to park in a spot or ramming into a tree to stop me is a lot harder to make than it was last week. Also, if there aren't any cars parked on the road and I know I need to stop ahead, I just start ramming it against the right curb and bump, bump, bump my way to a stop. I may not be the smartest of the lot, but I learn how to adapt to car problems like nobody's business.

So the prospect of needing to shell out $300-$400 bucks just to be able to stop got me thinking. I pictured the conversation that would happen between the mechanic and myself when I asked them to fix the brake pad problem, but not to worry about the non reverse problem. That amused me enough to want to try it. But I think I may just call it quits on the Extendo-Mobile and put it to rest with Pimp-Mobile Jr. We'll see what CarMax has in the way of a stopping vehicle that can go backwards, yet still maintains the qualities of forward that my current car has. I don't know if they'll have anything like that in my under $250 price range, but I'll do some haggling. And I'd be willing to throw in an extra $50 if it was yellow.

During this conversation with Joe, we chatted about his job a little bit and I pretended to be interested so as I wouldn't appear like I was just using him for his knowledge of cars and crap. I asked him how work was going, and he replied something to the effect of "ah, it's work." This is approximately where I flaunt to my close friends what I do for a living. My job is such the antithesis of work, and he knows it. From the environment right down to the paychecks. Anyway, I told him that I had hoped he was prepared for the fact that it would be more like work than my job...

Quote Of the Day 10/19/00

"Actually, I got to work the first day and I asked 'Where's the girl's soccer team?' They all looked at me like I was crazy."

-Good Mr Car Major Dude Joe.


Funny thing is, that's actually a question I find myself asking every once in a while.

Desperately seeking brakes,

Extendo.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Showering All Over Again

Showering All Over Again

There are a lot of things that suck about crutches. A lot of people complain a lot about their arm pits chaffing and wrists getting sore. These things didn't really bother me so much. I actually learned a few tricks on the things to aid in my failed quest to get some sympathy bootie. But one day I needed to get a basketball from my car into my apartment. I stared at the problem for about 5 minutes before I realized that there was no real solution. Not at least given the variables I was given at the time. That's the bitch about needing to walk with your hands. You can't carry things. Like basketballs. And ravioli.

A little while ago, I was attempting to go to a party after volleyball practice. Figuring I wouldn't have time to go all the way home and shower, I told everybody and had pretty much decided on my own that I could just take a shower in the RAC at school and head over to her place. Everybody had left practice and I was ready to set the plan in motion when I grabbed a towel and began to crutch into the locker room and remembered I couldn't shower yet. I lacked the ability to stand and had to bathe in order to cleanse myself, and such facilities were not available in the RAC. Cleansing oneself is another shitty thing about crutches. Having realized my error, I drove back home very annoyed, and still quite dirty. I never made it to the party, but I got myself all cleaned up for it.

About a week later, I felt confident enough to try to shower for the first time since the stupid game. Russ was home, so I warned him I was about to try this normally uneventful everyday task. I told him not to take too lightly any violent slipping and falling noises coming from the bathroom. He nodded and understood. I then told him that there was a very huge likelihood that I would be naked, which is about when he cut in...

Quote Of the Day 10/10/00

"...I'll call somebody."

-Russ Dawg


Honestly, the choice between a gruesome bloody death and having Russ see my exposed privates is not an easy one to make. So I gave him a list in order of preference of people I want him to call just in case. Does anybody know Britney Spears' cell number?

Naked and standing upright,

Exposo.


Starting to Still Stand Right Here Again...

Shopped Into Submission

Shopped Into Submission

Well, I'm getting better now. In fact, I might be back in the shoe and walking by the end of the month. This, of course, is my own personal assessment, because I've stopped listening to my doctor. And I'm just not getting anything in the way of sympathy dates. I don't get it! I've even got a cute little blue dog humping my crutch. I must not look pathetic enough or something. Or maybe I'm just too cute that I'm unapproachable. It's probably one of those two things. So before I get completely better, I need to squeeze in all the material I've stocked up about me being injured while I'm still injured. For example...

I went to go get my antibiotics at Giant a few weeks back. I knew we were out of milk and other things, and I had to wait half an hour for my medication anyway. Apparently, taking 30 pills from a big bottle and putting them into a little bottle isn't as easy as I thought. So anyway, I needed to get some stuff. I would normally carry one of those hand baskets around and pile all the crap in there. This is not so easy when you need your hands to walk. So I thought I could just stick my bad foot on the push cart and use it like a skateboard. But because I couldn't put any weight on my left foot, I put all my weight on my arms, which were leaning on the handle of the cart when I pushed off with my good foot. This caused the cart to flip over backwards in not so subtle a way, which in addition to embarrassing the hell out of me, caused me a lot of pain. I was in a really bad position here and I had definitely lost my chance with any chicks in the relative vicinity. If Tony wasn't away for the week, I'm sure there would already be milk and other eating products in the fridge anyway. But relying on Russ to buy food for the apartment would mean I would eat smack ramen noodles and Natural Light until I died or Tony came home. That's when I saw the riding cart...

It seriously took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to use it. I had to take the advice of a 12-yr-old kid who helped his grandpa operate one once, and I'm still not kidding. And I didn't expect them to be like little racing go-carts, but I could have crawled along the floor, pushing my 12 items or less to the cashier a little bit faster. Having suffered enough embarrassment, I opted not to crawl. Though it was embarrassing enough driving around with my milk and Froot Loops in my cart, getting passed by two-legged walking people. I started "accidentally" running into the bastards. And I ran into some cute little freshman chick at the check out line who had seen me fall and asked if I was OK and wanted to know if I needed help carrying my Froot Loops to my car. So I told her to fuck off and to go patronize somebody who gave a damn. I have another theory on why I don't get any sympathy dates.

Well, today is the two month anniversary of that fateful fucking game. I was able to walk just two months ago today. If I hadn't won so many damn games in a row, I wouldn't have still been playing. So indirectly, it was my superior athletic ability that did me in. And one of the questions that most people asked me was if I won the game. I actually didn't know. I remember it was really close and really close to the end. I ran into a guy that I was playing with a few weeks later and asked him if we won...

Quote Of the Day 10/9/00

"Well, everybody kinda stopped playing when you went down... But we was up."

-Chuck (one of the fuckers responsible for this)


Excellent! I did not rupture in vain!

Going out a winner,

Achilles X.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Not Necessarily an Ass Hole

Well, the Dr. Laurel actually told me to bring my shoe to my appointment Thursday. Like the left one. I have no idea where they are. I'll probably have to get them back out of storage. So I may be able to limp around without the brace as of this coming Thursday. According to her. So we're just gonna play it by ear anyway. And by "we," I mean "me," and by "by ear," I mean "by heel." But you knew that.

I don't read many things that make me bust out in laughter out loud. Like everytime I chat on the internet and I type LOL, I'm really not. But L is kinda boring and I don't think I'm ready to start a new acronym that means laughing, but not really all that loudly. And who the hell rolls on the floor during an internet chat? Anyway, this one made me laugh out loud at work, which meant I had to try to explain it from scratch to my coworkers, which was a pain in the ass. But anyway, it was a written retort on my recent car story. And this quote may be the first actual quote of the day from Europe...

Quote Of the Day 9/29/00

"...in my old mazda rx7, the door on the driver's side broke, so i had to crawl through the passenger side. i felt like such an asshole, and you just reminded me of that. not that you are an asshole or anything."

-Naughty Natalia (currently a broad in Italy)


If I can just remind one person of a time they felt like an asshole, my day will be complete.

Et tu Brute?

Little Seizure.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Still Stranded Right Here

Still Stranded Right Here

Every now and again I get that "you need to get your car fixed" slap in the face by Mother Nature, Father Time, Lady Luck, or Jason Geography. The trip to Laurel & Mardy, M.D. was the most recent altercation by Mom and Jason collectively. I was running late, even for Dustin time, so I had to take the handicap spot right in front of the building rather than my normal spot around the other side of the building on one of the better hills I've ever seen. I parked and did that "Ah, I'll deal with it later" thing. Well, I left the office, and later had arrived, and no solution had presented itself in the meantime. I was hoping it was on enough of a hill, which it wasn't, or that it was dry enough out to get a little traction with my opposite foot to push the car out, which it also wasn't. I was turned around in my car facing backwards (because I need to push with my right foot), and trying desperately to get the thing out far enough so I could put it in D and take off. But I kept slipping and the car would drift forward the 8 inches that I had pushed it backward every time. I was helpless and looking like a damn fool in front of two ladies out on the benches taking their smoke break. So now what? Well, after Jason and Ma had had enough of a laugh, Dad sent a guy out of the building that was apparently in the lobby watching the entire bitchslap take place. He helped push the car out as I played the part of "I have no idea, it worked yesterday." And by the way, if any of you work for Progressive Auto Insurance, I'm just kidding.

It poured rain last Monday, which is why it was all wet out on Tuesday when I tried to get my car out of that heathenous parking spot. Well, Russ was out playing soccer in a pick up game like the idiot that he is. He came to sit down on the bench after having been in the game. I offered him to get under my protective umbrella, but he refused...

Quote Of the Day 9/28/00

"Eventually you just give up and become one with the shitty weather."

-Russ Dog


I think there was a little too much zen in that statement for commentary on a minor rainstorm.

Stuck in the perpetual thunderstorm of broken transmissions,

Squeegeed Cricket.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Return of the Idiot Doctor

Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long, but I got the news back from my doc. And I swear sometimes it seems like Laurel and Hardy might as well be in the office working on my heel. I really don't think they know what the hell they're doing in there. I mean I'm sure they know their anatomy and passed the cutting up humans part of their medical exams, but it's like a craps shoot figuring out what they're gonna tell me about my foot. I mean they recognize my face, and I'm sure they've got a lot of patients, but try to remember what you told me last week. Keep a chart or something. Plus there's this fat guy with a Hitler mustache and a derby running around in black and white getting into fine messes all the time.

To recap on my injury and the newest developments in brief, I do not have to go back under the knife and get restitched or restapled or refastened in any way. There will be no more OR room, and no more talk of bad practice. I'm to keep taking antibiotics and "keep doing what I've been doing" since the last visit Thursday. Those words were spoken by my surgeon while I was in the doctor's office at my appointment. Those exact words will be important later. What I was told to do last Thursday was in my last e-mail, so if you didn't read it, you're going to be lost. But anyway, I left feeling positive and happy that I didn't have to go back under the knife. I was leaving the office and passed my surgeon on her way back in, to which she inquires...

Quote Of the Day 9/26/00

Doc: "Why are you still on crutches."
Me: (confused) "Because you told me to be. Besides, with my brace set at 110 degrees, I can't walk on it without inverting my knee."
Doc: "Oh... well... see you next week."


And then she called me Alice.

Getting a first opinion,

Sliced Cricket.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Intro to the Idiot Doctor

Hey everybody. Sorry I haven't written in a while. That blanket statement spans quotes, personal e-mails, typed and faxed and/or mailed letters, hand written notes passed back in forth in class, and Windows NE version 2.1.5.6. I got some bad news about my foot last week. When I first got the surgery, I wasn't given a prescription for antibiotics. I asked her (the surgeon) if she was sure that I didn't need one, and she said I'd be fine. Then she did that thing I told you about where she shoved my foot very disaggreeably into the boot at 90 degrees and told me to walk around on it without the crutches within a couple of days. She also told me to do exercises. It hurt like a bitch to walk around, but I figure, hey, she's the doc and she probably knows what she's talking about, so I'm listening to her. Besides, when she says "rerupture," I listen.

So I went back in last week, a month after surgery, so she could check on my progress. She said that the wound opened unnaturally much and I may need to go back to the OR room to get it stapled back up. Which would put me back in a plaster cast and basically start me at square one of the healing process, at least as far as how much time it's going to take. In the meantime, I'm to take antibiotics (I was right), use my crutches as often as possible, set my brace back another 20 degrees, and stop doing my exercises or moving it at all. I find out tomorrow if I need to go back to square one. A lot of people are telling me if I do, I should think about malpractice. Which means "bad practice." Why do they call it practice? Doctors practice and lawyers try. Who the fuck just actually DOES shit anymore? I guess the term actually DOING something is reserved for the blue collared folk.

Hey. I got a little sidetracked. Malpractice. If they comp the extra surgery, I'll be fine, but if they charge me for it, I'm looking into malpractice. I don't think I told a lot of you this, but I don't have health insurance and I'm paying for this all out of my own very shallow pocket. Anesthesia alone cost me $740. Mind you it was good stuff and I don't remember a damn thing, but I don't remember a damn thing from my last night in Reno either, and I'm pretty sure that was just rum and beer and vodka and some other red stuff. But I did throw up all over the place, which I doubt the hospital would have appreciated too much.

Hey, I got sidetracked again. Anyway, I was in a bad mood most of last week and spilling through to the weekend and today because of all this crap and I was in no mood to type. Especially Windows NE version 2.1.5.6 code. So I didn't really write to anybody. But on a lighter note, Kevin just recently got married in Portland. We all went out to dinner after the wedding and Kevin ordered a shot of JD. The waiter carded him, and Kevin stuck out his hand and showed him his wedding band...

Quote Of the Day 9/25/00

"Well, I don't know. You could be from Arkansas."

-Waiter dude.


Substituting West Virginia for Arkansas would probably suffice for people around the MD/PA area.

Coming apart at the seams,

Achilles Heal.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Wide Out Out

Wide Out Out

Well, there's still no freaking parking in the handicap spots. But there are these "special permit parking only" spots right next to the handicap spots reserved for people who want to get tickets. I just parked there and crossed my fingers, figuring I had a pretty decent case. Anyway, I didn't get ticketed, so I keep parking there. But it's not exactly a pull through spot either. However, I have found out that if I wait until everybody leaves, the lot is on enough of a slant that if I put it in forward and ram it into the wall as fast as I can from a dead stop 1 foot away, and quickly shift it into reverse (neutral), I can drift just far enough back to pull out across the other hopefully vacant spots. One time, I had to do it twice when there was another car to my right. And that was from like 4 feet away. Thank God I don't have air bags. That would have been an embarrassing story to tell.

Russ and Evil Joe went to the ABC-televised Monday Night football game at Fed Ex Field, home of the Redskins to watch them get beat up by Randall Cunningham and Dallas. Joey Galloway, the go-to receiver for Dallas tore his ACL the first game and is now out for the season, while Micheal Westbrook, the go-to receiver for Washington did the same thing to his ACL after last week's game. So Russ made a sign to try to get on TV...

Quote Of the Day 9/14/00

ACLs
Bench
reCeivers

He must have been in the nose bleed section, because I watched the whole game and only saw a pregnant chick with a star on her stomach.

Backin' that ass up,

Slim Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Rating Season Ending Injuries

A while ago, back when I was doing the quote of the day via typewriter and Pony Express, I did a movie review every Friday and a random review of different crap every Tuesday. I'm going to try to go back to that format now. Oh, and we're going to all collectively pretend it's Tuesday too.

Season Ending Injuries

ACL - The ever popular injury that sends people out of the NFL by the week. But there are so many ligaments around the knee, that people who completely tear their ACL can still apparently limp around. Some stupider people don't even know they did it (Evil Joe). And what the hell does it stand for? I'll bet 97% of you don't know. B-

Rotator Cuff - This is a little wussy injury that only happens to pitchers who, in my opinion, are like the place kickers of the baseball league. Half of them are too wussy to even get up to bat. Learn to throw with the other arm. Besides, people with this injury can still walk around and shower. D+

Broken bone - Very blah-zay, however I'm supposed to spell that French-sounding word. I broke my tibia or fibula or something. Boring. Unless you did it like Joe Theisman did. Or if the bone sticks out of the skin. C+ (compound fractures and leg injuries add one letter grade each)

Concussion - This isn't a real season ending injury unless you're a huge baby wus. But getting hit so hard that you go unconscious temporarily is a sign of bravery. And stupidity. And it's just football and like sports. You don't hear about wussy baseball guys or tennis chicks getting concussions. Troy Aikman has had 34 concussions in his football career, 12 by the Eagles alone. And he keeps coming back. Concussions are violent and the word sounds cool, but people are up and walking around within minutes. And they feel woozy all the time, which I consider a plus. But I imagine the headaches that follow aren't a joy ride. B+

Achilles - Vinny Testeverde ruptured his Achilles turning to go get a fumble. Nobody hit him. Just plant, twist, pop. An Achilles injury is purely a sign of getting old. But it is the mother of all leg injuries. Try jumping without bending your ankle. You can't. And without the Achilles, you can't bend the ankle. Trust me. You can't walk (unlike that wussy ACL). And it was named after a hero of the Trojan War with a cool story to go along with it about his mom dipping him in the River Styx and stuff. And it is associated with the word "rupture," which is probably even more violent sounding than "concussion." A+

But maybe I'm biased.

Well, I was sitting around with Rich shamelessly watching the women's volleyball club practice late last night. I'll admit, there are some lookers. And look is about all I can do at my Achilles-rupturing age. Anyway, Brad Fergus came up to me and Rich saying that he had found a new appreciation for volleyball now. To get that many tall chicks together with spandex on he said, was genius...

Quote Of the Day 9/12/00

"...and they even have knee pads."

-Big Bad Brad


I don't get it.

Just browsing,

The Watcher.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Insult to Injury

Insult to Injury

So I finally got my temporary handicap sticker. It was rather exciting. Like a coming of age. I finally made the big time injury circuit. Me, Vinny Testeverde and Dan Marino all sit around sharing stories and mocking Joey Galloway, Micheal Westbrook and Evil Joe with their little piddly ACL injuries. But anyway, I was thankful to get it, even though I had to park like 3/4 of a mile away in an abandoned and partially fenced in, out-of-business Levitt's parking lot. But I finally got it. And I drove to school and turned into the upper deck of the parking lot all proud and ready to whip it out and... ALL THE FUCKING HANDICAPPED SPOTS WERE TAKEN!!! What the hell? Where's a handicapped guy gotta park nowadays? So I had to park by the soccer fields again and crutch just as far to work as usual, but now I have a useless piece of red cardboard to prove that I shouldn't have to do that. Stupid UMBC.

There's this guy I work with named Geoff. Most of you have heard about him or know him. He's a pretty quick thinker on his feet. Having said that, I'm probably going to ruin your perception of him by screwing this up, but here goes... I was talking about the bills I've been getting recently from my surgeon, anesthesiologist, and hospital. When I told him the price of the hospital one, he asked if that was from the OR Room. Which, as I pointed out to him is redundant. OR Room would stand for Operating Room Room. It's either OR or O Room. And I don't think anybody calls it the O Room. That would just sound funny to doctors who don't need to be laughing for some stupid reason like that in the middle of an incision. So anyway, I told him he was wrong. But he refuses to be wrong and justifies his answer...

Quote Of the Day 9/11/00

"Actually, it is the OR Room. The Oper... Rating... Room."

G-Off.


I didn't even bring up GMI Institute of Technology.

Crutch fucked by the man,

Gimpy Daddy D.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Every Other Morning

Every Other Morning

There comes a time in all of your lives when you have to just look at the actual date and realize it doesn't correlate with the QOTD date and accept it and move on. Today is going to be another one of those times. Tomorrow looks about the same also. If you must know why I do this, it's because years from now, when I look back on all these quotes in trying to put together my autobiography, "Everything Sucks; A Life In the Life of Me," I'm going to try to convince myself I was very orderly and did all these quotes on the actual day the message says. This last paragraph, however, is going to throw a serious wrench into things. Oh well. But anyway, that's why I backdate a lot of these. The underlying reason, of course, is that I'm lazy, late, and anal, a lethal combination of character traits. Kind of like being drunk, covered in gasoline, and at a campfire with people who want to kill you. But probably not that lethal.

A billion years ago, Tony, Meawad and I drove down to Florida for Spring Break. Before we left, we made a bet on which song we'd hear the most often on the way down, knowing that we'd be using the seek feature on the radio. My bet was Slide, and Tony's was Every Morning. Chris probably picked something, but he wasn't close to being in the running. Probably It's Raining Men or something like that. Anyway, we had driven all the way down and around Fla and were almost out of Virginia on our way back, with me ahead by 1. Tony picked up his cell phone and called HFS...

Quote Of the Day 9/8/00

"I know this might be a strange request, but in about 20 minutes, could you play Every Morning twice?"

-Tone-Def


Well, his attempts at cheating failed and I won the bet anyway! In fact, I question whether or not he actually placed the call. Now that I think about it, it was a thumb and a finger masquerading as a phone, but that isn't nearly as funny.

Better late than loser,

Gimp Master D.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Parked Into Submission

Parked Into Submission

I finally, after years of struggling with the theory, have found proof that not only does hard work pay off, but so does laziness. Last Wednesday, I was too lazy to get up and leave work, so seeing that I was still here at 10pm, Geoff suggested I take Thursday off. If I had gotten the drive to actually get up off my ass and crutch the mile and a half out to my car, I would have had to work Thursday. Instead, I got the opportunity to do the leg work I needed to do (no pun intended) to get temporary handicap stickers. I actually have to go back Tuesday and take care of some crap in order to get them, but I will have them as of next Tuesday. Which in turn, will enable me to be even more lazy. Isn't America great?

But I'll possibly have to face the same dilemma I faced there last week when I went. I got there at around 1:00, and if you've been to the MVA in Glen Burnie, you know that the parking lot is flat. Probably not something a lot of people pay close attention to, but you guys know what's up. Anyway, at this time of the day, there are also no pull through spots. So I'm in a relatively bad situation. There was a nice spot up front, and after driving around for about 5 or 10 minutes, I figured "fuck it. I'll figure it out when I get back out." Well, I eventually got back out and had to, as I put it earlier, figure it out. It wasn't easy. I always feel nervous going to the MVA as it is. It's like driving into the lion's den. No tags on the front of the car, no insurance (which has been corrected mom), and I think I missed a vehicle emissions test sometime a while ago too. And I'm not sure if it's law to have a car that goes backwards, but it's probably not great that mine doesn't. They'd find something to write a ticket about.

So anyway, when I got back out to my car, there was a cop about 50 feet away, giving some lady in the middle of the parking lot a ticket. I figured I'd wait for him to be done, then I'd go. This must have been the most complicated citation in the world. I can't even fathom what would have taken them so long. They kept walking around the car inspecting it and pushing down on the hood and the trunk and yelping like monkeys (OK, now I'm just making stuff up). Anyway, I had to sit there for 50 minutes from when I got into my car. People were driving by looking for a spot and asking me if I was leaving. I'm like "No, I'm just gonna hang out here and read my magazine. Sorry." I tried several times as discretely as possible to push the car out with my opposite leg, but the car is very heavy, and "discrete" was not the word to use to describe it. Some hot chick walked by during one attempt, causing me to need to abort it. It was pretty embarrassing, but after reading the "privileges of handicapped stickers and tags" pamphlet 3 times, you are willing to compromise pride for freedom. Needless to say, I eventually got out. Even with the hot chick looking under her hood 3 cars down from me. So in order to combat this problem, I think I may need to park at the McDonalds across the street and crutch over to get my handicap parking stickers. Which will enable me to park in an even closer spot I won't be able to get out of. Life sucks.

Julie had her 21st birthday party this past Friday. She got a little tankered. Anyway, the night was winding down and a few of us were chillin in her room having a conversation, but for the most part, just letting her be drunk. She was babbling and giggling and slurring and from out of nowhere, she reached halfway across the room yelling "too bright!" and smacked the head of her desk lamp so it bent around and faced the wall. "That's better" she said, and cackled a sort of half cute, half evil cackle. We were all just sort of laughing, relatively amused at this action when Jaquez chimed in...

Quote Of the Day 9/7/00

"Was that the dimmer switch?"

-Quez


You should see her shut off the snooze alarm.

Stuck in a parking nightmare,

Grieving in Glen Burnie.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Achilles and the Broken Elevator

Wanna hear something funny? It's also not gross like that last funny thing I sent, which I feel like I need to apologize for again. Anyway, I broke the elevator in the RAC. I was hanging out at our men's volleyball practice, a little too tempted to go out onto the court in my crutches, I might add, when all of a sudden, I noticed that I lost Blue. Blue is a stuffed dog from Blues Clues, a kids TV show with a host named "Steve" who allegedly looks a lot like me. Anyway, the last day of camp, one of my girls got me a small stuffed Blue with magnetic paws. I realized very early on that he easily fit his paws around my crutch so that, as Good Joe pointed out, he was humping it. I like it a lot. Very cute to win over chicks with the cute pity factor, yet subtly seductive. I actually haven't been able to capitalize on any of the pity yet. But I still got a couple months. If anybody has suggestions, I'm willing to take them.

So anyway, I noticed Blue was missing, and I had become very attached to this guy, almost quite literally. So I panicked and ran around looking for him. I found him in the crack of the elevator, which I promptly pried open to rescue the poor magnetic inanimate object. I hit the elevator button to try to get him out first, and it wouldn't work. So I guess technically Blue broke the elevator. But it's broken. And O Hernrily as it is, now I, the one person in the entire building that really, REALLY needs the elevator, has to take the stairs because Blue broke it. I must have missed this episode. Fucking dog.

I don't even think Mike was drinking before he said this one, so I just have to attribute it to stupidity. Mike, Joe, and I were cleaning up Kevin's apartment (Mike and I were sitting down on the couch, and Joe was cleaning up) and Joe ran across a coke can on the table that was apparently a little more full than he had thought it was going to be. He said something like "whoa" or gasped or did something to draw enough attention to himself that Mike jumped in asking what was up...

Quote Of the Day 9/5/00

Joe: "There's an almost full coke can on the table."
Mike: "Is it open?"


Gosh, I hope so.

Falling down the stairs,

Black and Blue.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Motivation

Achilles and the Motivation

Can I just tell you guys how unmotivated I am to do work? Since I got hurt, between the initial running around (no pun intended) to doctors offices and such, my trip to Portland, and my week-long post-surgery sabbatical, I had three weeks in a row off. Now I'm back at work, and it's cool to see everybody again, but I kinda liked that week where I just lied down on the couch and let people bring me food. That's a difficult lifestyle to give up. Especially for one where you have to drive to a place miles away and do stuff other people tell you to do. Now I know why bums are bums. I don't necessarily condone the lifestyle of a bum, but I at least understand it. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to play a computer game or update my fantasy football team. I can barely muster up enough energy to e-mail and that's really all I'm equipped to do right now. I almost have to force myself to download porn. It's getting bad.

I don't have too many quotes of the day come from the bathroom, so this should be a treat. Yet, it isn't. It's actually pretty gross. But I've already started typing it and I can't motivate myself to start over and find a different quote...

Quote Of the Day 9/4/00

Good Joe: (from in the stall) "This toilet paper isn't working."
Me: (from outside the stall) "Define 'isn't working.'"
Good Joe: (from the stall again) "It's adding more shit to my ass."


I chose to wait until we got home to do take a dump.

Unmotivated,

.


Still Stranded Right Here...


(Damn, this one was disgusting)

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

Kevin's Last Dance Before Execution

I lost a very close friend to marriage last month. And for those of you who have yet to experience a REALLY good friend's wedding, it's a lot different than an uncle's or distant cousin's wedding or something like that. It's kinda really sad to know I'll never see Kevin again, but at the same time it's uplifting realizing that it wasn't me that it happened to. Joe, Mike and I flew out to Portland to see him off. The wedding was fairly uneventful for the most part. Well, uneventful in the respect that the entire ceremony was possibly the biggest event in the lives of at least 2 people, but you probably know what I mean. At any rate, standard stuff, angelic music, lots of flash photography, long white dress, etc. And Kevin almost made it through the entire thing. They did the I do thing and on their way out, Kevin looked at his mom and started crying. We happened to be seated right behind his mom. My theory is that he actually saw us, knew it was too late for him to turn back now, and started crying out of jealousy of our freedom. Or something like that. Or maybe the wedgie he couldn't pick for the whole hour finally got too much for him to bare. At any rate, I won't be walking the plank for a long time, I'll tell you all that much.

I do have one serious critique about the whole process, however. His best man was his brother, Erick. That's not the critique. But the best man has in my opinion, two MAJOR responsibilities. Making sure he remembers the ring, and throwing a kick-ass bachelor party the last day before dying. Well, come the night before the wedding, there was nothing. What the hell is that? Erick wasn't even around. Me, Mike and Joe went out and got beer and played cards with him. Not much of a bachelor party, but we didn't know any strippers in Oregon. Or any girls for that matter. Now I said it then, but I'll say it again to everybody. I told Mike and Joe that I don't have a brother (which they already knew), so in all likelihood, one of them or Tony will be my best man. So don't fuck it up! I'm counting on you not to let me down here. If necessary, I'll hire a best man based on who I think will throw the best bachelor party for me. I think I still have Greg Norris' phone number somewhere. No, seriously, I think the bachelor party should be one last yee-haa of being single and it should last a whole week. Everybody got that? And I'll be disappointed if I don't get embarrassed in the best man toast at the reception. I may change my mind about that one. But not the stripper idea or some relatively equivocal replacement.

Kevin did do one good thing for us all. He knew his 3 single friends were flying a couple thousand miles to see him for an entire week, so he did what any self-respecting friend would do in such a case. He tried to set us up with different girls out there. He was telling me on the phone that the girl he found for Mike was a short waitress with nice... personalities, and the girl he had for Joe was a tall, blond, drop-dead-gorgeous stewardess...

Quote Of the Day 9/1/00

"and yours is... really funny."

-The married guy formerly known as Kevin


Gee thanks. She's probably very punctual too. How's her grammar?

Single and doing it wrong,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Achilles and the Ravioli

Achilles and the Ravioli

I have reached a certain apex of self-pity. I hope. If it's still going up, I'm gonna have to blow my whole paycheck on new shoes and hot fudge sundaes just to get through the weekend. Just after my surgery, my mom took me up to PA to mother me in my time of need. I was actually kinda upset she was taking me away from my digital cable, MarioKart, cable modem and air conditioned apartment with a bed to go all the way back home for a week, but she's my mom and I love her, so I let her. She brought me food, played games with me and got me stuff when I asked. There were spans of probably 24 hours when I literally didn't leave the couch. It was necessary to recover, but boy was I glad to be back to the life of luxury again. That is, until I found myself crawling across the livingroom floor on my stomach with a plate of ravioli and a glass of milk. Even if nobody's around, it's a pretty humiliating and humbling experience.

People are asking me if I feel like I'll be OK to play volleyball next semester. That would be cool, but right now, I'm just looking forward to being able to get a glass of water into my bedroom without it being such a project. To be able to go down a flight of stairs without getting really nervous. To be able to try to finally get out of the occasional parallel park job on a level road. And the surgeon told me I'd be able to start walking on it with my brace on in the next few days. This chick is full of crap! She must have no idea what kind of pain I'm in. I don't think she knows what she's doing. She probably tied a bungee cord between my foot and calf muscle. Shit, I don't know. Stretch! That's all I got to say.

Well, I was trying to help out Good Joe with his fantasy football team this year, because he's been busy making cars and money and mud for the past few months. I told him that this guy named David Akers from the Eagles was a good pick because he was the cheapest starting kicker in the league and you don't want to go wasting your money on a good kicker because they hardly get you any points anyway. His response was something along the lines of "yeah, but do you think the Eagles are ever gonna get the ball past midfield..."

Quote of the Day 8/31/00

"In fact, can we pick punters."

-Good Pele


Trust me. It's funny to fantasy football people. A little.

Don't call me gimpy,

Gimpy.


Still Stranded Right Here...