About Me

You guys may not know a few things about me, so I'll let you in on a few secrets. Please prepare yourselves for this.

I have 7 times the amount of white blood cells as the average human being. Viruses run fleeing from my body like grade school children out of a blazing freak forest fire. I suck the moss from rocks to get energy. My middle name starts with every letter in the word "fortress." Popes and sheiks bow down to watch me play tether ball. They all know I'm the best.
I play tiddly winks, but not for fun. Nobody does. If anybody says they do, they lie. Three fingers on my left hand are said to be above average. The other three are still growing. I singlehandedly replaced the air in my tires without a pump. My crank shaft is longer than most, but it needs a lube job badly.
Five people have honestly called me their hero. Of those, four  called in sick to work last Thursday. I was raised in a breadbasket for 14 years. Glue does not stick to me.
I can make any kind of food I want appear just by thinking about it. But only I can see it. I can turn water into ice in only 17 seconds.
Appetizers cost 20% less when I buy them. I have seven fingers on my left hand.
I sleep for only 65 hours a month, and I do it all at once on the third Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday. I can dance and do calculus at the same time. Ducks have no idea what I'm doing.
I slept in the same bed as my grandfather once. He woke up that morning and ran a marathon by accident. I had a brother six years ago, but nobody liked him, so he left. I know the secret to Bowser's Castle.
All colors look equally good on me.
Fruit tastes better in my presence and skiers can go uphill once they have seen my instructional video. My name doesn't mean anything in twenty-three different languages. I turn women straight and men gay. And I can make a bomb from the lint that falls out of the dryer.


Quote Of the Day 9/24/98

"I'm not getting more drunk. I'm just getting more kidding."
-Yours truly, me


I have a birthmark in the shape of Gerald Ford on my ass.


Not the man,
Al.


I never sit down. I sleep on one leg.

The Little Things

Hey, I'm going to be insane and actually try and catch up. Well, it seems as though that last quote flew over everybody's head. Or maybe I just didn't tell it well enough. I did remember to mention the duck, didn't I? Anyway, the race is just about over anyway. McGwire hit 70, and Sosa only has one extra game to knock 6 homers. I got my money on Big Mac if anybody wants to bet.
Hey. This is sort of exciting if you're me. I forgot how much I hate assholes. I carded this guy the other night who was trying to buy alcohol. He didn't have his ID, but claimed to be 29. I told him that it was cool that he was 29 and all, but I still couldn't get him alcohol. So his girlfriend "changes her mind" and gets a Long Island Ice Tea, which he proceeds to drink right in front of me. Well, I got my manager to talk to him, and the following time I went out to his table, he was very visibly upset. He started cursing at me and threatened to kick my ass in the parking lot later. So I gave him a red card and kicked him out of the restaurant.

Well, that wasn't the real ending, but the real ending is slightly more boring, so that will suffice. This quote came from that lovely place I call work (Bennigans, I don't really consider that stuff I do at UMBC work). One of the waitresses is dating one of the waiters there, and apparently, they are going on a few years together now. Well, she was sorta weeded (busy) one day and came back into the wait station, where there were four guys all standing around and talking about Mark McGwire. She asked her boyfriend to make her an ice tea while she got some A1 or Corn Chowder or something. So he did, and she picked it up on the way back and said something like "Thanks, honey. You're such a dear. It's the little things that please me." He says "that's why I'm here," and then turns around with a defeated look on his face and waits until she leaves to say...


Quote Of the Day 9/23/98

"It's not THAT little."
-Some guy they call Batman.



We all took his word for it, even though mine's probably bigger.


Waxing on and off,
The Riddler.


Still Standing Right Here...

Musac and the Home Run Race

Well, I liked the musac that they had at Bennigans at first. In fact, i was excited. I was like "Wow, Bruce Hornsby, Billy Joel, Paul Simon... this stuff is pretty cool!" But now I hate that shit!!! I go home with at least three songs stuck in my head. And they're perpetually stuck there too because I hear them four or five times every other day, for crying out loud!!! I hate the Hooch. I don't have it. I don't want it... Hell, I don't even know what the hell it is!! Jose, the fry cook used to have it, but he took some penicillin and it went away. And I've heard You Can Call Me Al so many times now, I'm starting to think that I actually wrote it. And what's worse are the songs that I hate. I no longer believe that they put a man on the moon just to spite Michael Stipe. And I've started seriously talking back to the speakers. Loudly, and violently, and in front of my customers. I think I'm getting fired soon.

Well, this conversation was between my roommate and I. We actually saw each other at home for the first time in almost two weeks. I got home at 2:00, and to my surprise he was there and awake. I said "Hey. I'm home early." And he said "Yeah. I'm up late." OR something like that. Anyway, we were watching the news (it was 2:00 and we have only 3 channels), and the biggest news story (well, second biggest I guess), came on. We got to talking about it and here are our thoughts on the race...


Quote Of the Day 9/22/98

"Yeah. They're like tied, and everybody is like 'Wow!... ... Mark McGwire has 65 home runs!'"
-In like Flynn


OK, so maybe it's not exactly fall-down belly laughter, but it's kind of introspectively funny. OK, well maybe it's not even interesting at all. I don't care. I already typed it. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. Laugh or go to hell.


Don't ever call me Al,
Al.


Still Standing Right Here...

Certified Drunk

Hello all. I can tell you are in dire need of a quote of the day. The mailing list has turned into some sort of computer virus chat group for the internet nerds on the list. I'm surprised Russ hasn't chimed in yet. Actually, I admire you computer geeks out there. Especially if you can get paid for it like Weed (Steve). Hell, I'd be one too, if I wasn't so busy being a real man. Which also has me wondering where Proz was during this whole discussion. If anybody isn't a man, it's him.

Well, I gotta quote and run again, seeing as how I work two part-time jobs, totaling over 60 hours of work a week. Well, half of it really can't be called "work," per say. I mean, I play soccer and ref flag football and stuff. Not very stressful. But I do it. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, I am now a certified drunk. This past Friday marks my third time ever. And it was weird. I didn't have a hangover. I think I actually, woke up still drunk. Apparently, that isn't as uncommon as I thought it was at first. I was sober enough to still whoop some Good Joe ass at tennis, though, let me tell you! But I think Joe put it best the following day when he wrote me back. He's been my friend for about 6 or 7 years now, and has hung out with me more than anyone on this list, but has never seen me drunk until that night...


Quote Of the Day 9/21/98

"It was really weird to see you like that... drunk, on top of being Dustin already."
-Good Joe


In other words, I'm drunker sober than a normal drunk is... Whatever.



Au reservoir,
Monsier Doostan.


le Still Standing Right Here...