Double Feature Duel: The Nines vs. Cars

Double Feature Duel:
The Nines vs. Cars

Bout # 12: An awesome movie you’ve probably never heard of is up against a Pixar/Disney/Steve Jobs media powerhouse who have yet to put out a loser in a dozen movies.

The Nines: Shot as three seemingly separate vignettes, the film brings all of the realities together, mostly for better, at the film’s conclusion. It masters misdirection and intrigue and raises interesting perspectives about creators and creations. And it turns out Van Wilder can really act if given the chance. 10 whole entire bugs.

Cars: Pixar can create worlds we just take for reality after about 15 minutes. Cars is of course visually perfect and very funny, but seems to have reached its hand into a bowl full of morals and come up with the wrong one to force upon its viewers. 6.5 bugs.

Title: Props to Pixar for getting a google search for the word “Cars” to point to their movie in the first entry. But The Nines is cunningly vague and part of the conspiracy to provide a little misdirection. Incidentally, a google search for “The Nines” provides a Portland Hotel first. (Point, The Nines 1-0)

Funnier: I’m not a big fan of Larry the Cable Guy. But when disguised as a rusty tow truck with buck teeth, it’s a lot easier pill to swallow. (Point, Cars 1-1)

Better Turn: It’s tough to diagnose a real turn in a three-vignette series. But it’s easy to give away a point in a game where I make up the rules. (Point, The Nines 2-1)

Better Ending: The Nines poses an intriguing question about the nature of creation. Cars serves up a block of extra sharp cheddar cheese without crackers. (Point, The Nines 3-1)

Better Message: How do the beings in our creations – characters in a story, parts of a video game or beings in a world we create – see themselves? This is up against “Don’t build roads.” (Point, The Nines 4-1)

Poster: Cars attacked this by putting every car from the movie in Radiator Springs looking at the camera. It definitely gave the impression these things were real. (Point, Cars 4-2)

Better Acting: Not the category an animated movie wants to see on the brink of elimination. And like I said, Reynolds can actually act. Who knew? (Point, The Nines 5-2)

More Creative: The questions asked and half-answered and the delivery mechanism was pulled off masterfully in The Nines. Pixar has unfortunately raised their own bar too high to appreciate how hard it is to make believe that a car is alive. But the story is really kinda weak. (Point, The Nines 6-2)

Watch again: I want to watch the Nines again right now to try to absorb more of it. Cars just happened to be on TV at a time that I couldn’t get up. (Point, The Nines 7-2)

Overall: This is more about how impressive The Nines is and less about Cars. It just got in the way of a Mack truck of a film that I watched at the right time. Winner: The Nines (7-2)

Double Feature Duel: Unknown vs. The Cove

Double Feature Duel:
Unknown vs. The Cove

Bout #11: Another narrative vs. documentary story. So far the battle favors the narrative 2-1 (if I lump Shattered Glass, a based on real life story) into that category. Which I will. Because I can and mostly because I just did and I don’t feel like deleting it.

Unknown: Liam Neeson plays his character from Taken and gives himself some Bourne Identity-grade amnesia. Only he can remember some things but not other things, which is a very convenient trick used often in the writing world. It’s good, and I do especially enjoy the twist, but the movie couldn’t help itself and threw in some cheesy action car chases and lines of bravado that sucked it back down to Hollywood cookie cutter status. 5.5 bugs

The Cove: Wow. This was an incredible look at this underground dolphin mass murder that goes on over in Japan almost daily from what I understood. And for part of the movie, I thought I was actually watching a real life Oceans 11 in how they had to sneak in to get the footage. 8.5 bugs

Title: Unknown is a good title. Which is why 6 other movies are also named that. (Point, The Cove 0-1)

Funnier: Don’t go watching either of these movies expecting a laugh-out-loud moment, though I’d have to give the banter in the Cove a nod over Unknown, who seemed to take itself a little too seriously to let down its hair (Point, The Cove 0-2)

Better Turn: It’s hard to say where the action actually turns in The Cove, though it was shot a little more like Oceans 12 than your average documentary. Unknown also seems to keep turning, as we learn something new every scene. But I rather enjoyed the middle 15 scenes of the movie. (Point, Unknown 1-2)

Better Ending: When ESPN shows their top 10 plays, they usually don’t speak over the final play and let the play-by-play peeps do the talking. That’s kinda what The Cove did. It was obvious and easy and it worked superbly. (Point, The Cove 1-3)

Better Message: Don’t kill dolphins. And if you do, don’t lie about it. And if you do, learn what a fake rock looks like and steal the HD camera from inside it. (Point, The Cove 1-4)

Better Acting: Again, the yin to the Better Message category’s yang in the narrative vs. documentary battle. (Point, Unknown 2-4)

More Creative: The lengths that these documentary guys had to go to get the shots they wanted was straight from Oceans 13. Except this was real. And it worked! Better than it did against Al Pacino. (Point, The Cove 2-5)

Poster: Shallow water, deep secret >OR< Take back your life. Unknown just wanted you to know that Liam Neeson and two hot blondes were in this movie. (Point, The Cove 2-6)

Watch again: I’d probably watch Unknown again just for the scene with Bruno Ganz and Frank Lengella. But The Cove was really entertaining and if you can stomach the needless slaughter of thousands of dolphins – which I can – I would definitely see it again. (Point, The Cove 2-7)

Overall: The Cove was a special movie. A documentary shot like an Oceans 14 movie. Unknown is the second best movie with that title (See Jim Caviezel, 2006). Winner: The Cove (7-2)

Double Feature Duel: The Invention of Lying vs. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Double Feature Duel:
The Invention of Lying vs. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Bout #10: The end of a multi-billion dollar franchise vs. a movie that pulled in just under $19 million. But hey, the Marlins beat the Yankees once upon a time.

The Invention of Lying: In a world where no one has ever told a lie, this man realizes he can. Sounds stupid, right? Well, it is. But it’s also funny. From the first frame to about 25 minutes from the end. Ricky Gervais accidentally and hilariously invents religion, fiction and deceit to get a woman into bed. Then he falls victim to his conscience and a romantic comedy checklist. But the good was good. 6.5 bugs.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: My feelings on the Harry Potter franchise have been well documented over the past year. This episode in particular. In summation, I’m sorry, America. 4 bugs.

Title: The day that movie theater marquee workers most commonly call in sick is the day Harry Potter movies come out. True story. (Point, Lying 1-0)

Funnier: Louis C.K. is in this movie too. (Point, Lying 2-0)

Better Turn: The moment that Ricky tells his first lie is overhyped by the foreshadowing in the beginning of the movie and again right before that moment. However, Harry Potter turned over a year ago now. (Point, Lying 3-0)

Better Ending: They were both covered in enough cheese to put you on Lipitor, but Harry’s was certainly within the boundaries of the world the movie created. The Invention of Lying seemed to want to make up for its earlier discretions by becoming a feel-good story. Boo. (Point, Harry Potter 3-1)

Better Message: The Harry Potter franchise has beat us over the head with the “hold your loved ones close to your heart” bullshit for 10 years. The Invention of Lying tells you that it’s wrong to deceive for personal gain, be it sex or love. But if you’re the only person in the world with the ability to do something, you have an obligation to society. (Point, Harry Potter 3-2)

Better Acting: I’ll grant you Potterheads that the trio got better at acting and Emma Watson certainly – ahem – matured. However, Louis C.K., Chris Guest, Tina Fey, Rob Lowe, Jonah Hill, Jason Bateman and Ricky is a lot of comedy fire power. (Point, Lying 4-2)

Poster: Harry Potter has decided to attack this category with strength in numbers. Good luck to the person who decides to try to narrow their search down to THE ONE OFFICIAL poster. (Point, Harry Potter 4-3)

Watch again: I’m sitting at home and they both come on cable at the same time and they’re the only two channels I can find on my 7,000-channel cable for some reason. I probably go with Harry Potter. Just to make sure I don’t like it (I like to be thorough). (Point, Harry Potter 4-4)

More Creative: Harry Potter worlds remind me of dreams. They are amazingly creative and original and completely believable when you’re in them. But once you wake up and really think about it, it was really stupid. And it would probably make a pretty silly movie. And everybody has dreams just as stupid and silly. (Point, Lying 5-4)

Overall: Who says you need to gross $300,000,000 to get to the second round of my game? Winner: The Invention of Lying (5-4)

Double Feature Duel: Planet of the Apes vs. Bee Movie

Double Feature Duel:
Planet of the Apes vs. Bee Movie

Bout #9: New quadrant of the bracket, new format. Each movie gets its own mini-review as a little foreplay before the raunchy doggie-style sex that is the Double Feature Duel.

Planet of the Apes: This is the 1978 version with Charleton Heston. I already knew the ending going in (the Statue of Liberty is actually on the current movie poster for this movie – which ruins it) and I knew how fake the ape costumes were going to be. That aside, I was pleasantly surprised at how well it delivered its social commentary while maintaining a degree of real action. Putting myself back in that time and pretending I didn’t know the ending, I would say it’s worth the 29 sequels and remakes. 7 bugs

Bee Movie: This movie started out pretty bad, actually calling out its own cheesy jokes – then it got interesting – then it tried to force a moral upon us and got stupid, confusing and boring. But it was moderately funny while I was able to pay attention to it. 4 bugs

Title: I know it was based on a book, but it’s tough to go against a term that has become such a part of our culture. (Point, Planet of the Apes 1-0)

Funnier: You know Jerry Seinfeld wrote Bee Movie, right? Yeah. (Point, Bee Movie 1-1)

Better Turn: The climax of both movies was finding out that humans could communicate with the animals from the movie title. But Bee Movie kept turning and turning until it got itself lost. (Point, Planet of the Apes 2-1)

Better Ending: The discovery of the Statue of Liberty is Bruce Willis’s realization that he’s dead for its time. And then Heston went on to damn mankind for blowing each other up rather than it just stopping with “It’s a Cookbook.” And when Charton Heston does it, it just feels more manly than when Al Gore does it. (Point, Planet of the Apes 3-1)

Better Message: I think Bee Movie was trying to say that we shouldn’t take honey from bees because it’s their livelihood. I’m not kidding. (Point, Planet of the Apes 4-1)

More Creative: This is tough. I find me asking myself which of these would I be less likely to come up with. However decent a story Planet of the Apes is, I think I could have come up with the main plot points. But a bee befriending a human, along with the entire opening scene with the action in the hive can get Bee Movie a pity point. (Point, Bee Movie 4-2)

Poster: The newer version of the Planet of the Apes poster shows the Statue of Liberty but that isn’t the original, or else it would have been really anticlimactic. The original poster was bright yellow with a sketch of apes in a cage with an ugly black strip in the upper right and – anyway, it sucks. All Bee Movie posters are better than this. (Point, Bee Movie 4-3)

Better Acting: It’s tough for me to compare a movie largely acted by people in bad ape masks (who randomly and conveniently spoke English, which I just can’t let slide) to an animated movie with no live actors. But I will. And I’m not going against live actors that don’t suck. (Point, Planet of the Apes 5-3)

Watch again: I really stopped paying attention to Bee Movie once the bee sued the humans. I don’t really feel like seeing Planet of the Apes again either, but I’d rather watch its sequels than Bee Movie Too. (Point, Planet of the Apes 6-3)

Overall: 6-3. That’s as close to their bug scores as possible. The better team won. I think Seinfeld outthought himself a little too much with this one.

Double Feature Duel (Rd4): Stranger Than Fiction vs. Big Fish

Double Feature Duel (Rd4):
Stranger Than Fiction vs. Big Fish

And in the No Surprises Here department, feast on the battle between two of the best movies I’ve ever seen. All bets are now final. And soon, a movie that I saw two months ago will be in the Final Four. I know. The system isn’t perfect.

Title: The decisions are already hard. I need to employ a panel of other people for the finals. I feel numb to these answers after the fourth time. Or I need to get drunk. But I’ve got to go with Stranger Than Fiction, despite Big Fish being one of my nicknames. Maybe people will start calling me Stranger Than Fiction. God willing. (Point, Stranger 1-0)

Funnier: See, Big Fish wasn’t really funny per se. It set a mood that was funny-like. And it was awesome. But not funny when compared to Stranger Than Fiction’s actual funny. (Point, Stranger 2-0)

Better Turn: When people ask what my favorite movie is, I say Memento. And then shortly after that, I say a close second is Frequency. BUT – after that – I mention Big Fish. Maybe after Back to the Future. Depends on the day. But the scene where Will Ferrell finds out he’s going to die just kicks you in the nuts. In a good way. Uh-oh. (Point, Stranger 3-0)

Better Ending: Yay! Here’s a point! It’s a shame Stranger couldn’t find a better ending. But it till wouldn’t have held a candle to Big Fish. Whatever the hell that means. (Point, Big Fish 3-1)

Better Message: Some movies are awesome despite the lack of meaning. Stranger Than Fiction is sucha movie. (Point, Big Fish 3-2)

Better Acting: I’m not the kind of guy to call a category a tie. Because that’s spineless and lazy. So what do I do here? I adore Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman, but there’s such a great dynamic from two distinctly different film genres. I’ll go with Big Fish for the degree of difficulty. There were characters distinct to one or the other (Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney), but some who also played in both (Helena Bonham Carter, really no one else) – and that’s good enough for now. (Point, Big Fish 3-3)

Poster: And the winner of the Big Fish award goes to… (Point, Big Fish 3-4)

Watch again: This category definitely does not favor movies I watch a lot. I watch Big Fish at least once a year and though I watched Stranger Than Fiction twice when I had it, it was so long ago now that I would like to see it again. And so it’s down to the last minute. Best of luck. (Point, Stranger 4-4)

More Creative: And it’s another toss up. I haven’t seen a movie like either of these to say “Hey, this movie is like [movie name], but with less annoying [adjective describing movie].” I’m leaning toward Big Fish because I love the movie and I know this is the deciding point, but I want to give Stranger its fair shake. So I’ve decided to employ a tactic I only resort to in emergencies. I asked Jenn. She said that the world that Big Fish created which drove the movie’s humor was enough for her. And that’s enough for me. Which better be enough for you. (Point, Big Fish 4-5)

Overall: Well that wraps up the Philadelphia Quadrant. And despite falling behind early in the game, the #1 seed came out alive. A valiant attempt by Stranger, but maybe we’ll find a bracket buster in the next quadrant.

Quick Inside Slant: 8/23/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/23/11

OK. Calm down people. It’s just the pre-season. Shit, there’s a legitimate quarterback battle in Washington and not because both Rex and Beck look bad. The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. There is no tagline for that statement. Just sit back and revel in the mathematical anomaly of it. The outcome of these games certainly doesn’t matter. The only reason for the season is for fantasy coaches to evaluate talent before their league starts. And actual coaches I suppose. So please – Washington – save the hope talk for the Obama reelection campaign. Don’t put too much stock into these things. Unless you’re an Eagles fan. Then you can shit your pants just a little.

What the NFL games taught us this week:

· New York Jets/Houston (from 8/15) – Even when Rex says boring company line shit, he gets the lead on NFL Live.

· Philly/Pittsburgh – If Mike Vick plays like this all season, people will start to remember the dog thing a lot more vividly.

· New England/Tampa Bay – The Patriots probably only need one day of training camp to be even with the rest of the NFL.

· Washington/Indianapolis – The Colts have lost more pre-season games since 2005 than regular season games. I felt I needed to mention this again.

· Carolina/Miami –SportsCenter does a really good job of fooling people into drafting Reggie Bush way too high in fantasy leagues.

· Detroit/Cleveland – I might give the Browns a shot at a dark horse wild card berth if they weren’t in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees.

· Arizona/Green Bay – We all know Kevin Kolb was overpaid, but can you really put a price tag on hope?

· Kansas City/Baltimore – I just found out that Kansas City made the playoffs last year. Huh. How about that?

· Atlanta/Jacksonville – Jacksonville is a close second to Denver for the team that will most likely start three different quarterbacks sometime this season.

· Tennessee/St Louis – Dear Chris Johnson, You’re fucking up everybody’s fantasy drafts. Stop it. Sincerely, Touchdown My Pants.

· New Orleans/Houston – OK Houston. I’m back on the bandwagon. Again.

· Oakland/San Fran – Two men were shot in the parking lot after this game. That’s probably how I would feel if I had to watch the whole thing.

· Buffalo/Denver – #1 selling jersey, #3 quarterback. Seriously, can we stop talking about him now?

· San Diego/Dallas – If the kickoffs were moved up 5 yards last year, San Diego may have won the Superbowl.

· Cincinnati/New York Jets – Plaxico Burress looks to be in playing shape again while the Bengals have shot themselves in the foot this year.

· Minnesota/Seattle – If I was Tavaris or Sidney, I’d have tried to sneak back on the Viking’s plane after the game.

· Chicago/New York Giants – Terrell Thomas, Giants star cornerback and leading tackler last year, tore his ACL and will miss the entire 2011 season. In related news, a cornerback led the Giants in tackles last year.

Seriously, two men were shot in San Fran after the game because of their adverse opinion of which is the better team of the two. I don’t know why anyone would want to go to a game anymore. I don’t like to risk getting beer spilled on me, let alone death. Thankfully, this philosophy also falls in line with my philosophies of being cheap and not leaving the couch.

Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Body of Lies vs. Big Fish

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Body of Lies vs. Big Fish

Who the hell did Body of Lies sleep with to get this far?

Title: Body of Lies is a serviceable title, but I picture a bunch of people sitting around a table going “well, I guess that’ll work” as opposed to “That’s perfect!” (Point, Big Fish 0-1)

Funnier: Neither is really a comedy, per se, but especially not Body of Lies. (Point, Big Fish 0-2)

Better Turn: To be completely honest, I barely remember Body of Lies anymore. (Point, Big Fish 0-3)

Better Ending: And even if I could, there’s very little way any movie outside of Frequency and Sixth Sense would beat Big Fish in this category. (Point, Big Fish 0-4)

Better Message: Ever feel like you were just going through the motions? Yeah, me too. (Point, Big Fish 0-5)

Better Acting: There are now 10 Best Picture nominees each year, but only 5 Best Director nominees. We all know those other five movies will never win, but it’s nice that the Academy recognized them. That’s the motivation behind this. (Point, Body of Lies 1-5)

More Creative: Tim Burton is nothing if not creative. This movie happens to also be good, which is not necessarily true of all his crap. (Point, Big Fish 1-6)

Poster: Make this an 0 for 3 for Body of Lies’ marketing department. (Point, Big Fish 1-7)

Watch again: I will honestly say that I’d probably watch Body of Lies right now. Mainly because I’ve realized that I don’t remember a damn thing about it, but it appears the me from 2 months ago really enjoyed it. (Point, Body of Lies 2-7)

Overall: Not surprising. I’m curious to see if there will be a bigger underdog to get to the Sweet 16 in the other quadrants.

Quick Inside Slant: 8/14/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/14/11

There is a new weird uncle in town called the “Total Quarterback Rating” that you’ll likely hear about throughout the season if you watch any show related to football on ESPN. And much like your actual weird uncle, nobody can say exactly what it does. Everybody kinda knows and can regurgitate vague particulars like “it takes into account the down and distance” or “he does something with cars,” but nobody really tells us the full story because they think we’re stupid. And because it’s a broken and subjective system they don’t want exposed. But hey, it’s family. So it can come in and sleep on the couch. For a couple weeks. A month, max. But it doesn’t get its own key.

Observations from last night’s five preseason games:

· Green Bay/Cleveland – Colt looks like he could be The Real McCoy in Cleveland. He’s not going to be The Real Brady, but he’s better than anything Cleveland has seen since they became the Ravens.

· Indianapolis/St Louis – The year that Brady got hurt in week one, Matt Cassell led them to an 11-5 season. That will not happen in Indianapolis.

· Buffalo/Chicago – There is just no way the Bills can make any game worth watching.

· New York Giants/Carolina – The Panthers have a very good chance of doubling their win total from last year. And their attendance.

· Minnesota/Tennessee – It’s not too often that two opponents get new quarterbacks totaling 69 years old and get 10 years younger in the process.

Seriously, Peyton better never get hurt. Not that we didn’t know that, but seriously. It’s not even worth paying for a backup QB. Put that money into cortisone and duct tape. Maybe a broom stick to shove up his back if need be.

Quick Inside Slant: 8/13/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/13/11

I know it’s only preseason, which used to be called the “exhibition season” until the owners realized they could steal money for them in their season ticket package, but it’s nice to see that home runs and diving outfield catches aren’t the only things hogging up SportsCenter’s Top 10. More stuff that I know after the second five preseason games:

· Miami/Atlanta – It’s really easy to pick on Chad Henne. For good reason.

· Cincinnati/Detroit – Boy, Detroit does a really good job of convincing you they’re a good team every single preseason.

· Pittsburgh/Washington – I’m not big into schadenfreude, but there’s something in me that takes joy in seeing Ben Roethlisberger get beat up.

· Tampa Bay/Kansas City – Well, last year was a fun season, right Kansas City? Let’s remember that while we’re watching this year’s debacle.

· San Fran/New Orleans – Every team has hope at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately for the Niners, their year started.

Lee Evans, the only person worth anything in Buffalo, was just traded to the Ravens for a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I wouldn’t be too surprised to hear that the Bills traded a couple of their wins away this season for future draft picks.

Quick Inside Slant: 8/12/11

Quick Inside Slant:
Impressions of the 2011 NFL Season by a collegiate intramural flag football legend

8/12/11

Finally. Football. I set aside an entire three hours and cleared Scarface off my DVR to make room for the Eagles/Ravens preseason game. I’m now considering all the other things I could have been doing for the last two and a half hours.

We spent an entire off-season bitching about the lockout and all it really did was mess with our fantasy strategies and make the two weeks of free agency pretty damn exciting. Like the opening scene of Lost. And in this analogy, Jack is every NFL owner, the injured plane crash survivors are the free agents and the island is the new CBA. This analogy works best if you don’t think about it.

Five pre-season games have already been played. Well, 4 ½, but an Arizona/Oakland preseason game barely qualifies as football. Anyway, here’s what I know from the first five hours of the preseason:

· No preseason game is worth deleting Scarface off your DVR.

· There is now a boring five minute interval between touchdowns and the opposing team’s first offensive snap from the 20-yd line. This is a good time to get snacks and pee.

· Ravens/ Eagles – Really good cornerbacks are great to talk about but boring to watch.

· Jaguars/Patriots – The Patriots backups are as prepared as most team’s starters.

· Seahawks/Chargers – It doesn’t matter what time zone he’s in, what color he’s wearing, or who he’s replacing – Tavaris Jackson is not a starting quarterback.

· Broncos/Cowboys – I’d be pissed if I was Brady Quinn.

· Cardinals/Raiders – Fitzgerald’s first reception from Kolb this year was good for 41 yards. This equaled his longest reception ALL OF LAST YEAR. The Cardinals really sucked last year.

Above all, I’m happy to turn on NFL Live and not see Adam Schefter anymore.

Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Requiem vs. Stranger

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Requiem for a Dream vs. Stranger Than Fiction

Two powerhouses of the tournament if the criteria was based on me not being able to figure out how to capitalize the title.

Title: Well, I looked up what requiem means. It’s still a cool word, but I think I liked it better when I didn’t know what it meant. Kinda like the word “prolapse.” (Point, Stranger 0-1)

Funnier: On his best day - trying to be funny - Marlon Wayans couldn’t be funnier than Will Ferrell trying not to be funny. (Point, Stranger 0-2)

Better Turn: Tough one. I do oh so enjoy Will yelling at the narrator trying to kill him, but I kinda knew that was going to happen. Requiem’s turn snuck up on me. Like the one on Northern Parkway to get to the lacrosse field. Trust me. (Point, Requiem 1-2)

Better Ending: Once again, a movie about an author that couldn’t figure out how to end her book imitates life. (Point, Requiem 2-2)

Better Message: This just isn’t Stranger’s category. 0 for 3. (Point, Requiem 3-2)

Better Acting: Wow. This one is tough too. I do so love Will Ferrell but I super love Ellen Burstyn. I didn’t really hate anybody else in either movie. Nor did I love them. I guess I have my answer. And it doesn’t look good for the favorite. (Point, Requiem 4-2)

More Creative: Mounting a comeback and needing the last three to win it, it’s nice to have a lay-up to get you started. (Point, Stranger 4-3)

Poster: Probably the weakest category for both of these films. But I still hate the eyeball and for some reason, I overlook it every time I try to find the poster. I suppose that says all that needs to be said. (Point, Requiem 4-4)

Watch again: This is as close as they come, folks. And on a different day, this answer might be different, which makes this question sometimes the hardest to answer. I’m thinking about sending back in both my Netflix DVDs and getting these two movies just so I can really let it play out. And as much as I’d like to see both of them, I think right now, I’d pop in – well it might be a coin flip which I do all the time. But I did watch Stranger Than Fiction twice when I had it. So I’m going to have to go with the favorite. And I really didn’t do this because it was the favorite, but I can see how you’d think that since I’m making the odds and reffing the contest too. You really don’t think I have the integrity to do this, do you? How vain do you think I am? Did you see Body of Lies get to the Sweet 16? This is why we don’t hang out more. Where was I? (Point, Stranger 4-5)

Overall: This was probably the first contest where I legitimately didn’t know who was going to win. Really, up until the last sentence, which I stopped typing to think about. Anyways, the better team won. And on to face the winner of Body of Lies and Big Fish (see, I kinda know how that one is going to end).

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Big Fish vs. An Inconvenient Truth

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Big Fish vs. An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth was actually a good movie. Who knows? Maybe they’re the Northern Iowa of my little tournament.

Title: Tough one! These are both really good and subtle plays on words. But Big Fish is one of my nicknames. Damn. They’re even getting the lucky bounces. (Point, Big Fish 1-0)

Funnier: Admittedly, the powerpoint was not without some humor, but a movie reenacting a PPT presentation in a lecture hall should be automatically disqualified from this category. (Point, Big Fish 2-0)

Better Turn: Sorry, documentary. You tried. (Point, Big Fish 3-0)

Better Ending: Yeah, it’s almost time to call the fight. (Point, Big Fish 4-0)

Better Message: Hold on! Don’t throw in the towel just yet! This category could be called the Inconvenient Truth category. I took the train for a week. I thought about getting a bike. I went to my mechanic the same day that my muffler fell off my car. It’s already working. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 4-1)

Poster: Two good posters to match the titles. But as cool as the Tim Burton tree is, the smokestacks billowing out a hurricane is a great, poignant metaphor. Also love the “By far the most terrifying movie you will ever see” tagline. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 4-2)

Better Acting: OK. We didn’t really think they were gonna come back, right? There was just too much gore (in the spirit of the movie, I recycled that joke). (Point, Big Fish 5-2)

More Creative: Not just a documentary. But a documentary of a PPT. (Point, Big Fish 6-2)

Watch again: Tough one. I watch Big Fish all the time, but I’d kinda like to see An Inconvenient Truth again to really get it all. Of course, I did that with Inside Job and I think I understood less the second time. What the heck, it doesn’t really matter and I’m not above point shaving for the bookies. (Point, An Inconvenient Truth 6-3)

Overall: No Northern Iowa in the Philadelphia Bracket. Of course, Body of Lies did get to the Sweet 16 at a 7 bug rating. But that was like the NFC West. Somebody’s got to win it.

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Bridesmaids vs. Body of Lies

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Bridesmaids vs. Body of Lies

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets girl back. This describes neither of these movies. Unless you consider Kristen Wiig a guy or the Jordanian intelligence a girl. Bridesmaids squeaked by The Illusionist based on the fact that it wasn’t The Prestige and Body of Lies beat up a documentary in at least three categories where it just needed to exist to get a point. In the immortal words of the Black-Eyed Peas, let’s get retarded!

Title: I’m just not going to go for movies that simply say what the movie is about. I understand the need for branding purposes, but you’re going to lose a point in this pointless contest. Sorry. (Point, Body of Lies 0-1)

Funnier: There aren’t a lot of movies that Bridesmaids isn’t funnier than. This isn’t one of them. (Point, Bridesmaids 1-1)

Better Turn: Once again, Bridesmaids had that turn echo thing going on. Didn’t I just see that exact same scene? Default point. (Point, Body of Lies 1-2)

Better Ending: I’m as big a Wilson Phillips fan as the next lesbian, but I’m not going to defend the Hollywood circle jerk. (Point, Body of Lies 1-3)

Better Message: Ugh. Eenie meenie miney, hopefully it doesn’t matter because I refuse to think this any longer. (Point, Bridesmaids 2-3)

Better Acting: I do love how Kristen Wiig can dislocate her collarbone in the name if humor, but I occasionally forget how good of an actor Russell Crowe is because he’s a movie star. (Point, Body of Lies 2-4)

Poster: Yes, this movie has Leo and Russell in it. I’m not so sure that I didn’t just design this poster in my head thinking about the movie. That’s not a compliment. (Point, Bridesmaids 3-4)

Watch again: I feel like I owe Body of Lies another watch since I know I didn’t get it all the first time through. That said, I have a feeling I’m going to want to see Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and their fart and non-fart jokes when it comes out on DVD (or streaming Netflix if I’m lucky). (Point, Bridesmaids 4-4)

More Creative: Body of Lies wasn’t exactly Memento, but I’m pretty sure Bridesmaids is just a remake of The Hangover. (Point, Body of Lies 4-5)

Overall: Well, that’s an upset for those paying attention. For whatever that’s worth. Really, it just makes the road that much easier for Big Fish. Let’s be honest.

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2): Stranger Than Fiction vs. The Rookie

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2):
Stranger Than Fiction vs. The Rookie

Seldom have two teams had more inferior opponents in the first round than Stranger than Fiction and The Rookie just had. Thankfully, I didn’t watch Shattered Glass and The Tourist back-to-back. Someone would have had to have technically won that diarrhea mess of a contest. Drink up!

Title: I like the minimalist tongue in cheek attitude of The Rookie. I also like the layers and layers of tongue out of cheek cunning in Stranger than Fiction. And I actually prefer my tongues out of cheeks, especially when followed by the word “cunning.” (Point, Stranger 1-0)

Funnier: Between the clever dialogue and the creative story, I almost forgot Will Ferrell is normally a dufus who falls on shit. (Point, Stranger, 2-0)

Better Turn: Last time I heard a voice telling me I was going to die, it turned out to be Char hiding in my closet. Not Harold Crick. More intrigue with this, though it was weird how Char was wearing a hockey mask and in North Carolina at the same time. (Point, Stranger 3-0)

Better Ending: Go figure a movie about a woman who can’t figure out how to end her book was written by a guy who couldn’t figure out how to end his movie. And The Rookie had its ending written for it by life already, though it definitely did the moment justice with the contrast of chaos and humility in Quaid’s final scene on the mound. (Point, Rookie 3-1)

Better Message: I’m not sure there’s a takeaway from Stranger Than Fiction other than “wow, that was cool.” Certainly not one that can compete with “It’s never too late to believe in your dreams,” as it says on The Rookie’s poster. Especially not in the eyes of someone balding and rapidly approaching 40. (Point, Rookie 3-2)

Better Acting: I love Dennis Quaid. Innerspace will hold a special place in my heart always. But Will Ferrell stunned the world by stepping out of his falling-on-shit persona to play this three dimensional character with a goal. Props to him. And not the kind you fall on. (Point, Stranger 4-2)

Poster: The sun is setting but it isn’t dark yet. “It’s never too late to believe in your dreams.” Silhouette of the star by himself. If this was 1995, it would be on my dorm room wall. (Point, Rookie 4-3)

More Creative: Not a great category to see come up if you’re a movie based on a true story about with four points against you already. Especially not against this movie. Sorry, Dennis. (Point, Stranger 5-3)

Watch again: I like me a feel-good sports story every now and then, but Stranger Than Fiction probably has another couple layers I’ll want to peel away sometime soon. (Point, Stranger 6-3)

Overall: Nice try, but it isn’t too often a Rookie gets to the Sweet 16 anyway.

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2): Das Boot vs. Requiem For a Dream

Double Feature Duel (Rd 2):
Das Boot vs. Requiem For a Dream

Hello! Welcome to the Round of 32! We’ve weeded out the crap and it’s time to get to business. Make the hard decisions I will one day get paid for. But until then, I will make these hard decisions here – for free – if for no other reason than to stave off doing anything considered productive by society. This includes joining Google Plus and figuring out what the hell it does. OK. What’s up, Das Boot and Requiem for a Dream?

Title: Das Boot is German for “The Boat.” I don’t even really know what a requiem is and that alone is better than a movie called “The Boat” in any language. Maybe if it was German for “Jelly Donut.” (Point, Requiem 0-1)

Funnier: Yikes! Everybody dies in both of these movies. But I’d say that the 3 ½ hours of Das Boot numbed whatever laugh sensors I had anyway. (Point, Requiem 0-2)

Better Turn: Both turns exposed the hopelessness of the situation. Dramatic as it was to see that the German crew had to go back out on a suicide mission immediately upon their return, the scene where the son tried to get his mom to realize she was addicted to diet pills out-hopelessed Das Boot. (Point, Requiem 0-3)

Better Ending: I just watched a really good movie last night called Das Boot. Ron: “What was it about?” It was a World War Two movie shot from the perspective of a German U Boat. Ron: “It didn’t end well, did it.” Not so much. But it did. (Point, Das Boot 1-3)

Better Message: “Don’t do drugs” vs. “Don’t mess with America.” Maybe not exactly like that, but that’s one takeaway. (Point, Das Boot 2-3)

Better Acting: Once again, Ellen Burstyn brought an unexpected thrill to this movie. I didn’t even know what the guys in the other movie were saying. In fact, how the hell did a German movie get to the second round? (Point, Requiem 2-4)

Poster: I’m not particularly affected by the giant eyeball. If they were going for disturbing, I suppose they got close enough to the target. Otherwise, the Das Boot poster, from picture quality to choice of font, shows a graininess and pixelated quality, which may just be the quality of the jpg, but is still enough to win this. I guess. (Point, Das Boot 3-4)

More Creative: The use of some creative camerawork and music along with the “Juice By Tappy” commercials made Requiem as uncomfortable to watch as Das Boot without having to be in German or last 3 ½ hours. (Point, Requiem 3-5)

Watch again: Have I mentioned yet that Requiem for a Dream wasn’t 3 ½ hours long? (Point, Requiem 6-3)

Overall: OK. We have our first Sweet 16. I wouldn’t exactly call Requiem an underdog, but mid-majors don’t usually escape the round of 16 too often. Good luck, Mason.

Double Feature Duel: The Tournament Begins

Double Feature Duel:
The Tournament Begins

You didn’t think I was going to just have these movies compete against each other in these one-on-one battles for the last few months without making it into something much more organized and annoying, did you? Regardless of what you thought, I did.

I did it because it’s one of the few opportunities I have to combine my four favorite things: movies, sports, writing, being pretentious. So I’ve taken every movie that I’ve watched since coming up with the idea and pitted them against each other, simply based on which two movies I watched most recently. NOW, I’m organizing them into a bracket of 64 to compete in an NCAA basketball-type of tournament to determine the greatest movie OF ALL TIME (of the last 64 that I’ve watched).

It’s not very exciting, I’ll admit. But one overriding factor you have yet to account for – is that I don’t care. I’m doing it. And the first 16 movies have been watched, thus enabling me to finish off the first quarter of the bracket, what I’ve decided to call “The Philadelphia Quadrant.” Follow along to see if your favorite will make it to the Final Four, scheduled to take place anytime between Thanksgiving and next Thanksgiving.

The number next to each movie on the left side is their “bug scale” ranking. For simplicity sake, just assume that means it’s their Dustin ranking out of 10. The subsequent numbers is the score of their previous victory. And the greatest thing about this is that I can do this during work and people who just glance will assume I’m doing work. Awesome!

So how does this prognosticator see The Philadelphia Quadrant shaping up? Well, based on the bug scale and knowing myself more than a little bit, I’d say it’s a likely bet that Big Fish will meet Stranger Than Fiction in the finals. But, these categories don’t always make for a cut and dry winner. That’s why they play the games. Speaking of which, in the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, let's get it on.