A Girl Named Bloh

Actually, I don't usually get that obsessed over superstars like I did about Britney Spears. I definitely don't like her music, and I don't think I've ever seen an interview with her to determine whether or not she's a well-spoken would-be princess-in-law. I just think that there's some sort of sweet little innocence about her that I want to ruin. Or maybe it's the illegal boob job she claims to not have done just before her breasts grew 3 cup sizes.

I informed Mike and Good Joe that a friend of mine was going to meet us at the bowling alley. They asked what her name was...


Quote Of the Day 12/30/99

Me: "Her name is Kelly Bloh."
Joe: "I've seen that movie."


Get it? If not, e-mail Joe at goodjoe@nolife.org


Closing in on 2000,
X (Extendo).


Still Standing Right Here...

Finally Legal

Well, Britney Spears turned 18 on December 9th and I figured I had at least a month to figure out how I was going to make my move before she started dating royalty. Well, I saw her on E! with some dorky looking guy and I just assumed it was some dude from 'N Sink or something. Nope. He's the prince of England. I think I might have been able to woo her away from a gay boy group popsicle, but the heir to any throne, especially England, is tough. Maybe Senegal or the Ivory Coast, if they have one, but not England. And the dude only gave me a two and a half week window. That's just not enough time for a serf like myself. And Anna Kornikova has been going with that hockey guy since she was like 13 anyway. Natalie Portman has been 18 for almost half a year now, but she's from Isreal. That's almost like being royalty anyway. I guess I'll just camp out on Kirsten Dunst's doorstep until April 30th. And don't let the fact that she is on the cover of a movie with another hot chick and the word "DICK" stamped across the middle of it give you the wrong idea. But damn, what a good marketing technique.


Quote Of the Day 12/29/99

Mike: "I actually like that Genie In a Bottle song."
Me: "I like looking at Christina Aguilara."
Mike: "That's what I said. Weren't you listening?"


Well, in that case, I guess I "liked" the Married With Children series.


Genie in a can,
X.


Still Standing Right Here...

Six 10+ Bug Movie Reviews

Just for fun and cause I'm in the mood, 6 random 10+ bug movies...

Sliding Doors - Gwyneth Paltrow plays a hot British chick in a Twilight Zone type romance. How can I not give that one 10 bugs? Everyone does an excellent acting job, and the one-liners sound scripted by some excellent actual comedians. The film cuts back and forth between two realities, one in which she makes a subway and gets home in time to find her boyfriend cheating on her, and another in which she doesn't make it into the subway on time. I normally think romances are too cheezy to merit a 10 bug rating, but this one throws in a carefully placed pinch of something resembling science fiction and a creative twist on what could have been an average, predictable ending. 10 1/2 bugs.

The Big Lebowski - Jeff Daniels and John Goodman play dead beat bowlers, who are the two best characters I've seen in a film probably ever. There are so many hilarious things about this movie, I don't want to start to go into them. But the film's merit can come from their dialogue and interaction alone. After you watch the movie 4 or 6 times, you start to notice it's actually a very cleverly written murder mystery in the shape of a comedy, which is rare. But you needn't follow the plot to enjoy this film. And Ann Jillian gets naked, in case you're into that. 10 bugs.

Forrest Gump - OK. We've all seen it. I wouldn't normally pick such a front-runner, but I loved this film. Robert Zemeckis did an excellent job directing this film, down to the wedding scene in which everyone was seated except one individual, Lt. Dan (who had no legs). I'll forgive him the 3-point line in the gym when Forrest was delivered his release papers. 10 bugs.

Outbreak - Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr play army men whose job it is to find viruses and kill them before they kill society. Well, one such virus arises and threatens to do that exact thing. Dustin, Cuba, Morgan Freeman, Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, and Rene Russo do an excellent job of making the writer's characters very believable and their actions congruent with the excellently scripted plot. Lots of action, lots of thought-provoking drama, and a little bit of funny when needed. 10 bugs.

Back To the Future Series - Well, I couldn't go without mentioning this series. Now I never got into Star Wars and Indiana Jones comes pretty close, but I just love the whole concept that they got away with here. I think the first one is the movie that I've watched most in my lifetime, in case that ever comes up in conversation. When you watch the series enough, you begin to see how it starts to make fun of itself and just has fun. I know I mentioned Jeff Bridges and John Goodman earlier, but in retrospect, I don't think anyone will come close to Doc's character. The series isn't without its flaws (though I'll challenge anyone who thinks they've found a plot inconsistency), but I cannot give it less than a 10-bug rating because of the history I have with it. 10 bugs.

Beautiful Girls - I originally didn't want to watch this movie because it had a stupid title in my opinion. It still does, but now that I've seen it, I have a lot more to base my decision on. This film is probably closer to a documentary about my life than American Pie. A high school reunion brings a long lost friend back to the old neighborhood and the first thing they start talking about is chicks. This film addresses relationships like Parenthood addressed family matters. And all through it, the guys always remain inseparable friends. This also started my love affair with Natalie Portman, who plays an unusually mature 13-yr old who confuses Timothy Hutton in his current relationship. No comments, please. 10 bugs.

I was sitting around at Mike's a few nights ago, and during a card game, he decided to try to cut open a dented ping-pong ball with a serrated knife in his hands...


Quote Of the Day 12/28/99

"Somebody dial 9-1."
-Mikey


At least he was planning ahead for his stupidity. That's learning on some level.

Crushing ice,
Blender Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

So Many Minutes

Well, I got that blender I wanted. My uncle gave it to me on Sunday just to rub it in. So yes, I'm officially old. Again. My birthday is coming up on Saturday. If anybody out there was thinking of getting me any gifts, some jumper cables and a 2 pint sauce pan would be nice. Also, I wanted to make sure Tony hadn't also gotten a blender because that would make mine obsolete. He answered that by asking the question "How many times have you seen me make a power shake?" Upon being prompted like that, I think the answer is somewhere around 5, but the point was well made. Apparently we already have one that I had just never been formally introduced to. Or should I say we have one to which I had never been formally introduced? And it hides on a shelf that isn't directly between the refrigerator and the microwave. But mine has "ice crushing power" in case that ever comes in handy. I also asked if he had an extra humidifier. His answer was actually yes. Remind me to take inventory before I make next year's Christmas list. You don't have a blowtorch too, do you?

Well, my aunt got a great discount on a prepaid calling card, so she got them for the entire family. My dad was the first to use his to prove that it works. He called back home form Atlantic City to let my mom know that he was going to be staying later than he had anticipated. He's a good kid, isn't he? Anyway, he talked for a bit, bullshitted about how he was doing and a hand of 5 card draw he should have won and then broke it off...


Quote Of the Day 12/27/99

"Well, I better go. I only have 7 hours and 55 minutes left on this thing."
-y2dad.


Asking for money again,
y2extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Merry Appropriate Holiday!

Well, Merry Merry (fill in appropriate holiday) to all of you out there. I hope your (appropriate holiday) was just as (fun/God-worshipping/ I didn't drop a piece of ham on my blouse again (circle one)) as mine. I trust your family was just as (excited to see you/fun to be around/thank God Uncle Louie didn't show up drunk again) as mine and that they got you (exactly everything you wanted/more stupid socks/the same CD they got you last year). I really enjoyed seeing my family, but I think my favorite part of my break was seeing friends that (I haven't seen since high school/I never liked in the first place/aren't getting as good grades or as much money as me/all of the above). At any rate, I need to go now, but I hope you had a happy (appropriate holiday) and I hope that y2k doesn't (crash your PC/shut off your water supply/stop the rotational inertia of
the earth).

Also, I think I'm officially old. You can dress it up with fancy words like "maturing," but I'm old, one way or another. I used to ask for toys for Christmas way back in the day. Eventually, I outgrew toys and just wanted the money to figure out something to get on my own free will. I'd wager to say that most of that money went toward film and food. Then I graduated from the money and I wanted clothes. Something to look good in that didn't require my inept sense of fashion to pick out. Also, if I had enough clothes to wear, I couldn't really justify to myself to buy clothes, so I needed Christmas to supply me for the entire year. Now I've gone passed even stuff as boring as clothes to ask for miniature appliances. I asked for stuff like a humidifier and blender. My 'rents supplied me with the humidifier. So now I'll be able to breathe again at night. Sometimes you just gotta sacrifice excitement for practicality.

My sister got a blow torch. I'm not kidding.

I was helping my sister wrap presents on Christmas Eve and I happened to glance at her roll of masking tape. It was seriously discolored from the normal yellowness of it. It looked like it had been there from back when I lived there 8 years ago. I looked at her like she was crazy for planning on wrapping anything using that stuff and commented on how old that stuff looked...


Quote Of the Day 12/25/99

"I don't think it's that old, I just think it's a special kind of masking tape. Like the kind that isn't supposed to stick to anything."
-Char (Littlesisaclaus)


I think they make that already. They call it paper.


Ho-Ho and Ding-Dong,
Coachaclaus.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of Toy Story 2

Now it might sound like I'm a bit biased here, but please put some things that you know about me aside for the moment. Like the fact that I act like a kid so much that I run a day camp in the summer and the fact that I like Pixar animation so much that I grade all movies based on how they stand up to A Bug's Life. Also, I was a film major and took several animation classes, but anybody can appreciate how complex and tight this animation was. I guess I'll start with how good the animation was. It's every bit just as good as anything you've ever seen before, including the first Toy Story and A Bug's Life. There's a dog in the film that moves just like a real dog and every camera pan looks genuine. I don't know about the movement of toys as much, but I imagine that's what they would look like.

But even more impressive than the animation, which I had already assumed would be awesome, was the story. It was hilarious! From the first shot to the last, I was cracking up constantly. And I wasn't alone this time, so I had to really muffle my laughter often. See, Pixar had already established itself as an animation powerhouse, so they didn't need to defend themselves in that area, and we had already been introduced to all the Toy Story characters, so we didn't have to waste time on character development. Instead, the movie just went straight into the plot, which was one of the most original and funniest I've ever seen. It does a lot that most movies that don't involve the literal "animation" of inanimate objects can't do. That fact automatically gives this film an unfair
advantage in the "original plot" category. But they used it. And very well too.

If you haven't seen Toy Story 2 yet, shame on you. You don't have to be embarrassed about liking a G movie without the comfort of going with a child. Most kids wouldn't get a lot of the subtle humor in it anyway. All said and done, I am giving Toy Story 2 10 1/2 bugs. It's hard, in fact, impossible in every way to compare it to Sixth Sense, so I'm not going to. And get there on time because in addition to the 5 regular previews and the dancing popcorn film they show you, they give you a 5 minute sneak preview of their next venture, Dinosaur, which looks incredible. And they show you they're first ever film, which is a 5 minute flick involving a bouncing lamp. But after the actual movie, they're done, so remember to go home.

This quote has nothing to do with Toy Story. Drew was complaining to me about how he had been up all last night because he spent the entire night at Julie's watching 5 movies. I called him an idiot many ways over for about 10 minutes before he even got a word in edgewise. I asked him if he just wasn't able to get home or if he did this by choice. He replied that Julie said she could take him back and Amanda said she would have also given him a ride later on too...


Quote Of the Day 12/17/99

"...Well, then Bart said he could drive me home... Or, I mean Lauren said Bart could drive me home..."
-Drew, the Un-Athlete


Well, I guess we know who drives the car in that relationship.



Dreaming of a clear Christmas,
Bing Santacrosby.


Still Standing Right Here...

Christmas Gifts and Jersey Walls

So here's my new method of attack for buying Christmas gifts for everybody. I figure anything they need, they already have or should get anyway. And everything they want, they could probably buy for themselves with the money they get for Christmas. So I'm getting everybody things they don't want for Christmas. That not only guarantees that they most likely don't have it already, but it also just about ensures that they won't know what it is until they open it. Sure you won't get that look of excitement in somebody who just got what they wanted, but you have to cut your losses sometimes. If you do choose to do this, I've found out that it's a smart idea to keep most all receipts and have them handy. And you needn't necessarily take this strategy into account when shopping for me. Good luck troops. I have faith in you.

About 3 weeks ago, Mike and I drove down to Atlantic City to see a Tim McGraw concert. The concert was lots of fun, but the commute was half the fun, as that stupid saying goes. Anyway, we found ourselves driving over a bridge in New Jersey with, coincidentally enough, Jersey walls on each side. They must have been doing construction of some sort. What this caused for us was a 2 minute period of time when Mike was driving over a bridge with big scary concrete walls less than 2 feet from either side of the car. At first it was a little scary for us, but Mike loosened up and commented...


Quote Of the Day 12/16/99

"Actually, this is kinda fun... Fun in that I hope I don't sneeze sorta way."
-Jersey Wall Mikey


This comment had me break out in hysterical laughter, which made him break out in hysterical laughter, which brought on another fun and scary few moments.


Going home for Christmas,
Extendaclaus.


Still Standing Right Here...

Our Ignorant Utopia of Comedy

You know, sometimes I just sit down at this computer, obligated to try to entertain all of you with a little humor, and I can't think of a damn thing, funny or otherwise. And I start to worry. "Oh my God! They've found me out! I'm a phony." It was about time. Probably long overdue. I've been faking humor all these years and getting extremely lucky. I'm sure a few of you have caught onto this by now, and I appreciate your silence. Of course any voice of opposition risks exposing himself or herself too. So if everyone wants to just keep on living pretending I didn't bring any of this up, we can all go back to living in our ignorant utopia of comedy. Thank you.

I was talking to Mike on the phone the other night and he was complaining about having to leave his Christmas party early because he has a final the following morning at 8:00 or some crap like that, to which I replied...


Quote Of the Day 12/14/99

Me: "I'm lucky. I have the luxury of not having any credits."
Mikey: "Yeah, well I only have one job."


Touche, Oh Mediocre One.


Working too hard (or at least too much),
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Milkman's Sister

I got more car-related stuff for you. First off, my car wouldn't start when I got out of work the other night. But that's not a very exciting story. A friend drove me to the gas station to get gas and I put it in my car and it worked. Point of note - I spilled gas all over my hands and shoes. Onto the next story. I got pulled over again. Only this time, I had no idea what it was for. I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. Except for the high beam thing which I no longer consider an offense because I've gotten used to it. So that's why I figured he was pulling me over. Nope. He just thought I was driving a stolen vehicle. If I went into detail it would bore you, but trust me, I didn't steal it. If I stole a car, I'd make sure it was one that started without a jump. Or gas.

Overheard at a volleyball tournament...


Quote Of the Day 12/13/99

Clint: "Hey Milkman, is that your sister over there?"
Milky: "She's 16. If you ask another question, I'll rip your dick off!"


As coach, I thought it best not to ask if he had any less young sisters.


Off and running,
Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of The World Is Not Enough

I was driving home last night after work at 10:00 and I was in the mood to see a movie. I wasn't currently with anyone and nobody I know lives on 175 between Fridays and the Snowden River Shopping Center. So rather than cower in fear of being seen alone, I figured "what the hell?"
I watched a movie in a public movie theater by myself. And by myself is exactly what I was. I was literally the only person in the theater. I figured somebody would walk in by the time the credits were over, but I sat alone. It was very serene in a way. I didn't feel the need to hold back when I wanted to laugh hard and had there been a real sad part in The World Is Not Enough, I might have felt uninhibited enough to let go. But there wasn't. I think the coolest part was when the manager came out to ask me if I wanted to leave and get a refund. No, I'm fine. But thanks for asking. Actually, he was probably losing money by projecting the film. Oh well. The projector switcher missed his mark by like 6 seconds and some guy came up to me asking if I minded if he started sweeping up yet. OK. Now I'm just making shit up.

Well, I saw The World Is Not Enough, the newest of the James Bond series. Mind you, I am not a huge Bond fan and I'm not a huge Bond hater. I'm actually not very huge at all. So I'll apologize to all Bond fanatics, if there are any, for my ignorance. It seems that all Bond reviews start with a critique of the Bond's performance as compared to Sean Connery's. Well, having seen at least one Bond film with Connery, Moore, and Dalton (I missed the George Lazenby's "On Her Majesty's Secret Service," but I hear there's a reason he only did one), I can say that I think Pierce Brosnan is an excellent choice for Bond and if he isn't better than Connery, he comes in a close second. He's young, good looking, can talk with a British accent pretty convincingly, and doesn't have any visible body piercings. No pun intended. He was very subtle, he let the action and the lines do the work. And Denise Richards is the perfect Bond girl. That's precisely what they are supposed to be about. Just a tight little body to strut around and tag along for one film in a 20 film series and give Bond somebody to play with when it's all over. Being as though I was completely alone, I actually tried to follow the plotline. I understood it and it made sense. And the action sequences were as creative and thrilling as usual. All in all, I liked it and I'd definitely go see it again. 8 1/2 bugs.

I was in a car coming back from Baja last night with 4 people I didn't know. Well, the conversation somehow got turned to how the guy lost his virginity to his babysitter back in the day. Something was brought up about how his parents were paying money for her to come over and... to which he said jokingly "Babysitter, prostitute, same thing." Well, one girl in the back seat got very defensive all of a sudden...


Quote Of the Day 12/3/99

"Hey! We are NOT the same as babysitters!"
-Some girl named Crystal


Who the hell names their kid Pierce?


Shaken, but not stirred,
Agent 00Whistlehead.


Still Standing Right Here...

Millenniums and Cat Sharks

You know with all this hype about Y2K approaching, we overlooked another historic date. 11/19/1999. This was the last all odd date of our lifetime. And I don't know of anyone who celebrated it. I'll bet you all wish you had that day back. But in happier news, the first all even date of our lifetime is coming up shortly (2/2/2000). So I want to see some celebrating, no matter what Puxatawny Phil predicts about the following 6 weeks. And another thing, I guess I should bring it up now to prepare you for it, but do you all realize that the "new millennium" doesn't start until Jan 1, 2001? We're not there yet. We still have another year to go. And I've heard no one publicly address this issue. Of course, I don't really watch too much news outside of Sportscenter. But anyway, I can't imagine that the entirety of the advertising world has overlooked this, so I have another theory. I think they are all preying upon our stupidity as a general mass of plebeians for their own positive gain. And then, when the year 2000 actually hits, they're all gonna jump out and go "Just kidding!" And then they're going to run the same campaign as "the [whatever product] of the actual new millennium." And they are going to say, hey remember how much fun you had last year when you thought it was the end of a millennium and the beginning of a new one? Well, we can all do it again next year! And plebeians love to party, so they'll probably all just overlook the facts if they really do know them, and party like it's 1999 twice. Sounds great in theory, but I'm smarter than that. I'm only partying like its 1999 once. And that's going to be next year. I'll show them.

We don't have a cat anymore. We have a shark. You can sometimes just see a tail walking behind the coffee table, and then it disappears. You look around for 20 seconds. Nothing. Then when you aren't paying attention anymore, this jaw lunges at you and doesn't let go. It attacks teeth first. In fact, that's how it greats people nowadays. And it loves tuna. And it has a fin. One day, I came back from work and the cat was in what I call "piranha mode" where it just runs around the apartment for no reason with no purpose for 45 minutes at a time. I tried to pet it and almost bid my right hand goodbye. I asked Jason what was up and he said that she was pissed at him. I then inquired as to what he did that would piss off a cat...


Quote Of the Day 12/2/99

"She's mad because I wouldn't let her watch me shower."
-Flynndows 2000.


I hear Russ' sister is the same way.



The coach of the new millennium,
Extendinator MM.


Still Standing Right Here...