Driving in New Jersey

Well, that was a hell of a busy weekend! I spent the entire thing driving back and forth from the basketball tournament in New York to my mom's cousin's house in New Jersey. And let me tell you something about New Jersey roads. These things are the most horribly paved roadways meant to be driven on the face of the earth. I can't pick which one was worse, the New Jersey Turnpike or the Garden State Parkway. Both provided about the same sort of relaxing ride one would get driving a jeep along the surface of the moon. Thank God I wasn't actually in a jeep. I'd probably be dead by now. Or four inches shorter. I could just picture myself walking into a 7-11 in New Jersey with my head receded down into my shoulders and my neck missing and listening to the teller go "Don't tell me. You're the one with that jeep out there, aren't you?"
And here's a tip for all of you out there who plan to ever maybe go to NJ. Always have 35 cents ready just in case. There are like real tolls where you get a ticket and you know you have to pay a certain amount, but there are also random tolls that pop up out of nowhere and usually cost 35 cents. And make sure you have exact change if you get into the exact change line. People behind you are not very forgiving if you just sit there for five minutes looking for a dime in the crack of your seat. I'll probably be receiving another ticket in the mail soon to add to the others. Except this one is going to be for running a $4 toll. There was an empty lane, and I had my $4 already ready. Exact change and everything. However, what I pulled into was an E-Z-Pass lane. See, Maryland and Pennsylvania don't have nearly enough tolls to merit having something like this, or at least for it to be as popular. But since New Jersey has more toll booths than actual residents, they offer an E-Z-Pass system (which I apparently don't have) to unfortunate people who live there that are going to have to potentially go anywhere ever in a car. After pulling into the empty lane, noticing that there was no teller, getting confused, getting out of the car, getting beeped at, panicking, and wetting myself, I had to just take off. I looked at the camera and shrugged on my way out. I hope that helps me in court.
And all of the toll booth operators I saw gave me the same look. Kinda like a "why are you getting out of your car?" sorta look. I told the first 3 people that my window didn't go down. After all 3 looked uninterested and perhaps didn't believe me, I decided to just open my eyes as wide as possible and look about a foot to the left of them and yell "Thank You Mrs. Cunningham!" as loud as possible in a Gaelic accent. Beret optional. That's gotta make for a good story in the toll booth operator lounge.

Well, I spent the weekend with my mom's cousin, who I haven't seen in literally about 10 years. She has a 17 year old son named Alex. Saturday night, Alex came back home with a bunch of his drunk high school friends. They were really nervous at first, but after I cracked open a 40 and showed them how it was done, they thought I was the coolest older cousin a guy could have next to Superman or Hootie. I spent the entire night mostly getting hit on by a dangerously attractive and mature drunk 15-year-old sophomore. And no, she doesn't have an older sister. I already asked. Anyway, I was talking to this one kid they called Duddy. I didn't ask why, but I just played along. He asked me if I drank in high school. Everybody seemed a little taken aback when I told them I didn't start drinking until I had graduated college. To this, there was a proportionally long silence. Duddy decided to break the silence by speaking...


Quote Of the Day 2/25/99

"Did you ever get caught by like your parents?"
-Some guy they call Duddy.


I hope to God this kid isn't that stupid sober.


Researching New Jersey statutory rape laws,
Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...