Review of Wild Things

Hey everybody. I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you all know that March 3rd is being officially postponed until at least Sunday. March 4th, 5th, and 6th will proceed as usual, but the 3rd of March will be squeezed in at the end of Sunday, March 7th. I apologize for the inconvenience this might cause any of you out there.

I saw Wild Things for the first time a few nights ago. It started out with Neve Campbell and some really hot chick accusing Matt Dillon, their guidance counselor, of rape. But Kevin Bacon, a detective, knows more about it than meets the eye. But it doesn't stay that way for very long. It is the plot twist equivalent of Maverick + Total Recall + a bad Scooby Doo episode squared. I tried to diagram what actually happened in the movie and who knew what and when and I got writers cramp after about half an hour. But it was cool. Just when you thought you were right, you weren't. They were always an extra step ahead of you. And if you left before the credits were over, you still don't know what "really" happened. At times, it seemed like some twists were in there just to be in there, but in the end, I think it paid off to take the viewer through all those 360s. And that chick was HOT!!! And she got naked too! I'm gonna give Wild Things 8 bugs. It lost a few for having Bill Murray. He had no business being in that movie. And it wasn't funny. It didn't really try to be, but it never hurts. Well sometimes it does. Oh well, I don't care. In the end, the glory of this film comes down to the babes. And Neve Campbell and that other chick are true babes. The other chick even shows some booty, and that's some good booty. Not that I really care about things like that.
Another cool thing about this flick was that it inspired a quote. See, the last five minutes takes you screaming, willingly or not, through about 6 or 7 hard right angles in the plot. I'm sure I mentioned that already in more than two ways, but that's my new favorite one. Anyway, Evil Joe came out of the movie baffled as usual and lets out a scream of confusion, disappointment, and utter barbaric bewilderment...


Quote Of the Day 2/26/99

"Who the hell writes this shit!?!?!"
-Evil Confused Joe.


Wild Things, I think I love you.

Taking advantage of the puns if they're there,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Driving in New Jersey

Well, that was a hell of a busy weekend! I spent the entire thing driving back and forth from the basketball tournament in New York to my mom's cousin's house in New Jersey. And let me tell you something about New Jersey roads. These things are the most horribly paved roadways meant to be driven on the face of the earth. I can't pick which one was worse, the New Jersey Turnpike or the Garden State Parkway. Both provided about the same sort of relaxing ride one would get driving a jeep along the surface of the moon. Thank God I wasn't actually in a jeep. I'd probably be dead by now. Or four inches shorter. I could just picture myself walking into a 7-11 in New Jersey with my head receded down into my shoulders and my neck missing and listening to the teller go "Don't tell me. You're the one with that jeep out there, aren't you?"
And here's a tip for all of you out there who plan to ever maybe go to NJ. Always have 35 cents ready just in case. There are like real tolls where you get a ticket and you know you have to pay a certain amount, but there are also random tolls that pop up out of nowhere and usually cost 35 cents. And make sure you have exact change if you get into the exact change line. People behind you are not very forgiving if you just sit there for five minutes looking for a dime in the crack of your seat. I'll probably be receiving another ticket in the mail soon to add to the others. Except this one is going to be for running a $4 toll. There was an empty lane, and I had my $4 already ready. Exact change and everything. However, what I pulled into was an E-Z-Pass lane. See, Maryland and Pennsylvania don't have nearly enough tolls to merit having something like this, or at least for it to be as popular. But since New Jersey has more toll booths than actual residents, they offer an E-Z-Pass system (which I apparently don't have) to unfortunate people who live there that are going to have to potentially go anywhere ever in a car. After pulling into the empty lane, noticing that there was no teller, getting confused, getting out of the car, getting beeped at, panicking, and wetting myself, I had to just take off. I looked at the camera and shrugged on my way out. I hope that helps me in court.
And all of the toll booth operators I saw gave me the same look. Kinda like a "why are you getting out of your car?" sorta look. I told the first 3 people that my window didn't go down. After all 3 looked uninterested and perhaps didn't believe me, I decided to just open my eyes as wide as possible and look about a foot to the left of them and yell "Thank You Mrs. Cunningham!" as loud as possible in a Gaelic accent. Beret optional. That's gotta make for a good story in the toll booth operator lounge.

Well, I spent the weekend with my mom's cousin, who I haven't seen in literally about 10 years. She has a 17 year old son named Alex. Saturday night, Alex came back home with a bunch of his drunk high school friends. They were really nervous at first, but after I cracked open a 40 and showed them how it was done, they thought I was the coolest older cousin a guy could have next to Superman or Hootie. I spent the entire night mostly getting hit on by a dangerously attractive and mature drunk 15-year-old sophomore. And no, she doesn't have an older sister. I already asked. Anyway, I was talking to this one kid they called Duddy. I didn't ask why, but I just played along. He asked me if I drank in high school. Everybody seemed a little taken aback when I told them I didn't start drinking until I had graduated college. To this, there was a proportionally long silence. Duddy decided to break the silence by speaking...


Quote Of the Day 2/25/99

"Did you ever get caught by like your parents?"
-Some guy they call Duddy.


I hope to God this kid isn't that stupid sober.


Researching New Jersey statutory rape laws,
Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Application for Quote Of the Day

Well, recently I've been getting a lot of people suggesting quotes of the day. I can understand it sometimes. Sometimes funny things are said regardless of if I was there to witness them or not. It's a sad fact of life, but it's true. Anyway, I've gotten tired of humoring people and telling them I'd think about it when I just don't find it funny or interesting at all. (Also, I just forget what you say a lot). So anyway, here's my way of fixing these problems:

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Application for Quote Of the Day

1. Date of incident:

2. Approx. time:

3. Witnesses if any:

4. This quote is funny to:
A) probably just me.
B) only the 3 people that were there (but it's REALLY FUNNY).
C) anybody with any sense of intelligence at all.
D) hardcore fans of e.e. cummings.
E) nobody really, but it can be taken as a sexual innuendo.

5. I am sending you this because:
A) you weren't there and I feel the world can benefit from the humor implicit in the quote that you missed.
B) satan told me to.
C) I am jealous of Tony and Geoff and their wit, so I'm going to try to seek quote notoriety through blatant self-promotion.
D) the first amendment allows me to.
E) I don't want to go to CHEM Lab.

6. I found this quote funny because:
A) of the multiple meanings that can be interpreted from the statement and the ambiguous nature in which it was presented.
B) it was about sex.
C) He/she made themselves/Meawad/somebody else look like an idiot saying it.
D) I had never thought of that aspect of contemporary art/chicken thumbs/the French language before.
E) I was drunk.

7. (Comedy background check) Rank in order of funniest to least funny:
Howie Mandel
Paul Reiser
Adolf Hitler
Urkel
A Bug's Life

8. Choose from the following standard apologies for not being Dustin:
A) First of all, I would like to apologize for not being Dustin...
B) Though Dustin is usually foreseer of all the quotes around these parts, I thought I'd make a humble request to have a quote because (see question #5).
C) It appears as though Dustin has better things to do than to pay attention to his precious quote of the day, so in his absence, I declare myself QuoteMaster.
D) Dustin is the Man!! I wish I were as cool/coordinated/massive as him.
E) Traditionally nobody likes me, so I'm going to try to ride on the coat tails of Dustin's popularity.

9. Random bitching about something (women and cars work well):
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10. Description of incident leading up to quote (also known as segue):
_______________________________________________________________
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Quote Of the Day xx/xx/xx

11. Actual quote:
_______________________________________________________________
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12. Some silly version of the person's name (witty or degrading as it applies).

13. Some summing up comment. (Poking fun at Russ is generally safe.)

14. A bad reference to something said in the quote followed by a comma.

15. A stupid/witty/grammatically correct version of your name.

16. The last line of the chorus of a song you wrote...

The $5 application fee should be attached via e-mail.

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Stryker, Geoff, and I were in the office "working" and having a conversation about women's swimsuits at the same time. Stryker mentioned that he liked the thong bikini. I asked him if he was referring to the "anal floss." Geoff agreed with me that it was a not so relatively attractive feature in women's swimwear. Stryker stuck by his claim...


Quote Of the Day 2/23/99

"There's nothing wrong with a clean butt."
-Strike Force One


I wonder what would happen if you put it on backwards.


Ball Force Two,
The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Doing For Family

Hey everybody. I'm gonna try to get this week off to a good start by doing Monday's quote of the day on Monday. I don't know if any of you guys and gals out there drive home from wherever you are at 4:00 in the morning on a weekday/night, but there's a strange phenomenon that happens around that time. It's some funky ass Indian rush hour. (That was supposed to be a reference to the turn "Indian Summer," not a racial slur against Native Americans or people of the Indian persuasion) Seriously, the beltway is actually difficult to merge onto. I don't know who all these freakin people are up at this hour, and I especially don't know where the hell they're going at that ungodly hour of the morning. One day, I'm just going to follow one of these strange people. Though, I can already see me pulling into a driveway behind some guy who was just going to go to bed. That would be pretty unfulfilling.
Today is my mom's birthday everybody. If you can, you should check out what I did for her birthday. I made her a webpage: (http://members.aol.com/mymaiscool/private/index.html) She's turning 50, by the way. You all can feel free to e-mail her at Shefish@aol.com . Just leave her a little note about how cool I am or something. Or tell her how attractive she is and how you think she should ditch that guy she's with or something like that. Anyway, so a big ole Happy Birthday to ma today.

I ate dinner at my aunt's house last week sometime. It turns out she's a pretty damn good cook. This is also the family member that comes closest to me in the sarcastic nature of their sense of humor. She's even got a twinge of bitter in there just for flavor. Anyway, the meal was just about over, and she invited me back to do it again sometime and told me I could bring a friend. I asked her if it could be a female friend, to which she replied...


Quote Of the Day 2/22/99

"Well, sure you can bring a girl with you. I'll try not to pick my nose or pass gas too loudly if it'll help my nephew get some."
-Great Aunt Joyce


My uncle is talking about getting me a stripper for my 25th birthday. And grandma is trying to fix me up with this hooker friend of hers.



Not so smelling like a rose,
Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of A Bug's Life

Well, the hunt is over. I finally saw that ever-so-elusive movie they call "A Bug's Life." And it truly lived up to the standards which I have already set for it by arranging my entire grading system around it. The plot: The computer animated ant version of Christopher Lloyd's character from Back To the Future (minus the voice and hair) accidentally fucks up an entire year's worth of work that the colony has been doing, and has to fix it. So he goes and hires these "warrior bugs" that turn out to be clowns to try to fight off the evil grasshoppers.

Hilarity ensues.

The animation: was amazing. As good as Toy Story was, this blew it away. The lights came on after the movie was over, and the people around me seemed a little less real than the ants I had just seen. I'm still not fully recovered.

The credits: were the coolest part. It was worth my $6 alone just to see the credits. They made up fake outtakes as if the characters were actual actors that couldn't stop laughing during a scene or forgot their lines or something like that. It's the most creative innovation in animation since they combined cartoons with clips from Music Videos in Beavis and Butthead.

The critique: I loved it. I'd go see it again, even if I had to go with that chain-smoking Bennigans chick that got me sick for 4 days. It gets all 10 bugs. I really want to give it 10 1/2 bugs, but I haven't decided if that's possible yet.

I was at Double T a few nights ago and experienced what I consider to be one of the most subtly insulting ways to turn somebody down. Sort of. Some guy was saying that this girl back in high school didn't like him...

Quote Of the Day 2/12/99

"She liked you. She just listened to you talk too much."
-Nicole


That's where I always seem to go wrong too.


Consumed by hunger,
Fish-Fry.


Still Standing Right Here...

Crotch McFlurry

I don't know if you guys heard about this, but there is talk of making the use of cell phones in cars illegal. Now, I'm not a big advocate of accidents in any capacity, but if we're going to outlaw something because it detracts too much attention away from the actual turning and breaking of the vehicle, then we need to start with something other than cell phones. Like drive-thrus. Now, I'm not the most coordinated guy in the world, but I can quite easily hold a phone with my shoulder and cheek if necessary. And I'm also talented enough to not have to look into the receiver in order to trust that it's working. If you've been keeping track, that leaves my eyes available to look down the road, my left hand free to steer the car, and my right hand free to change the radio station when that stupid "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" song comes on. However, simple things like turning the car aren't as easy when you're trying to use the pickle to scrape the onions off the top bun of your Big Mac. And you're bound to drop a fry or two in the seat of your car that you won't be able to find with your eyes on the road. And the fun doubles when you do all of this with a McFlurry in your crotch. In short, I say we start at the source and ban drive-thrus before we start with cell phones. Laptop computers and audio workout tapes are also up there.

This quote came from a friend of mine who is trying to sell his car. If there are any takers, it's a 94 Honda Civic going for $9,000. It smells funny and it needs to be cleaned, but there are no blood stains on the seats anymore. Though, after this, you might think twice...


Quote Of the Day 2/11/99

Josh: "Well, what about the dents in it?"
Will: "I didn't put the dents there!"
Josh: "Oh, I forgot. The car in front of you did."


Will had this to add: "Well, the bastard should have merged."



Eyes on the road,
Crotch McFlurry.


Still Standing Right Here... 

A Shittier Car

Well, here's the throwdown really quick. It ain't funny and it ain't really punctual either, but it is relevant to those of you who check your e-mail before 10:00 tonight. There's a case and a half of beer in my fridge and I need to get rid of it soon. So I'm gonna do it tonight. I'd prefer to not have to do it myself because I hate beer. Misti offered to come and help but I hate to bestow that kind of burden on her alone. (I don't think used the word "bestow" properly in that sentence, but I'm willing to overlook it if you are.) So anyway, I'm having a party tonight I guess. Everybody's invited, but I reserve the right to kick out any Jessupial(s) if I see it necessary.

Well, I need to get back to work. Well, kinda. Anyway, Geoff, me, and somebody else was sitting around the office earlier this month and we were all playing on the internet and Geoff got a call saying that there was something that needed to be fixed in the Fitness Center. To this, he stood up and said that he had to go "do work." Whoever else was in the room made a facetious comment to the effect of "well, I guess that's why you make the big bucks," to which he responded...


Quote Of the Day 2/9/99

"That's how come I can afford an '83 car."
-Sir Geoffrey


He may actually have a shittier car than I. Lucky guy.


Bound and broken on the floor,
Natalie Imbruglia.


Still Standing Right Here...

What I've Been Up To

OK. So I'm a little behind. Well, apparently on my PC, my AOL is on the DL, and until I get that CP from the UPS (which is currently MIA), I'm SOL. So here I am at school tired as shit doing this quote thing for the benefit of all you faithful fans who haven't quite gotten sick of it yet. So when I'm cranky tomorrow and throw some cole slaw at a disagreeable customer and they fire me, I'm going to blame every single last one of you who thought that this quote was funny, got it!?!?!

Well, since I've been gone so long, I've been a little busy. Just because I'm sure I'll forget later, here's what I've been up to since January 26th, the last time I sent out a quote of the day:


I woke up.
I went to my job.
I went to my other job.
I went home and slept.
(From now on, those four events should be implied.)
I quit my job (Bennigans).
I made a web page ().
I didn't wreck my car.
I woke up.
I went to my job.
I started to go to my other job.
I fell asleep in my car (at a red light) on the way there.
I awoke to the sound of beeping and cars passing me on either side (and the car in front of me was now 100 feet in front of me).
I unquit my job (but I'm cutting my availability down to twice a week).
I found a new favorite porn site.
I SAW A BUG'S LIFE!!!
I didn't get a ticket recently.
I stopped stalking the women's volleyball team.
I started stalking the men's basketball team.
I almost got fired.
I went home and slept.

I may have skipped over some stuff, but that's about the gist of it. Some of you guys out there saw me in the past few weeks. Let me know if I forgot something important, like getting engaged or breaking a limb or something.

Well, everybody, I'll warn you ahead of time. This one is about basketball. Please get it, because I thought it was hilarious when it was said and then I told it to somebody who doesn't check the NBA's website everyday at work when they have nothing else to do, like me. Well, my not-so-well endowed associate, Jeff, is teaching a Basketball class this semester. That's the premise. Well, the day Stryker found this out...


Quote Of the Day 2/8/99

"So you're teaching a basketball class this year, eh? What are you gonna do? Go on strike for the first two thirds of your class?"
-Strike Force One


Yeah, then he's gonna trade everybody to another class.


Score one more for college hoops,
Spare Force 1/2.


Still Standing Right Here...(I'm back!)