Rating Decision 2004 Players

Decision 2004 Players

Bush - I still can't believe he's actually our president. And barring another extreme Florida-2000-scale debacle, it looks like we'll probably have another 4 years of this monkey. But he's a resilient one, you have to admit. He didn't win the election but he still became the president. The UN said he couldn't go to war, he went to war anyway. I'm starting to think he didn't even get accepted to Yale. He probably just showed up there one day and started going to classes. Ugh. D+

Kerry - I have to admit that other than the hour or so of the one debate that I saw, I don't know much about Kerry. His name, as far as most people are concerned, might as well be Not Bush. That's the best thing he has going for him. But from what I've seen, he has some good ideas and he can actually think for himself, which is something I personally look for in a president. And he can do it in stride on the fly without a microphone in his ear. Hell, I'd have voted for Ryan Stiles over G Dub. C+

Voters - OK, let's not fuck this up like we did in 2000. I was embarrassed to be an American for a while. Elections should never be about whether or not you punched a hole all the way through a piece of paper. They went to touch screen voting in Florida this year just to help the old folks of Palm Beach so they don't go voting for Pat Buchannan of the Nazi Party again. And I don't think the term "idiot-proof" has ever been more literal. It's a good thing that the electoral system eliminates the margin of error by devaluing everyone's individual vote. B

Media - OK, I know the voters of Palm Beach garnered a lot of attention last time for their ballot-punching incompetence, but I think we all know who really fucked up. It was the bastards at CNN and every other station that jumped the gun with the Florida prediction just cause they got tired at 3:30 in the morning. I am going to assume they don't make that mistake this time. So far, there are three different electoral vote counts on three different stations. I don't see how math is different on one channel than it is on another. Yes I do. Here's the explanation. F

So I was playing poker one day during one of the first debates and I asked the guys in the livingroom staring at the TV what was going on...

Quote of the Day 11/2/04

"Bush just won on a last second field goal."

-Some poker guy

It's funny because it's kinda true. I don't know how you keep score at a debate, but I don't know how you keep score of curling either. I don't know why that matters to you.


Still Standing Right Here...

Fanhood

Fanhood

OK. So everybody's a Red Sox fan now. I'll admit, I liked seeing them beat up on the Yankees. It's always fun to see the Yankees lose, especially when they do it worse than anyone ever has before. But all of a sudden, everybody is walking around wearing Damon and Ortiz jerseys. In Baltimore too! This entire city has pledged to hate the Yanks and the Sox in the regular season. And I need to clear the air about something here before I continue. There are some people who believe that you are born into being a Skins fan, etc., and you can't ever root for anyone else under penalty of perjury. Kind of like the way religion does it (cheap shot, I know). Well, I'm not necessarily one of those people. If you like somebody, go ahead and root for them. Make your own decisions. Just don't claim that you liked them for any period of time since before game 5 of the ALCS. Then you're a liar. I have two friends that currently live in Boston and they are allowed to be Boston fans (Note to Kevin: they're the baseball team everybody's been turning over cars in celebration of the past few weeks). Everybody else is just trying to steal a piece of the action, just like me. And that's fine. Until you try to sell yourself as a faithful. Kinda like the way all these Tom Brady jerseys are popping up all over the place. I guess there's just something about that state. I suppose all the Republicans will be wearing Kerry jerseys after he wins the election. I don't think anybody will be buying any Bruins crap for a while.

So I know I disappeared for a while again. It's not an accident that it coincided with when I got a DVR in my bedroom. Pair that up with the NFL Network and that means I may never leave my apartment again. I just got done watching the 92 Bills/Oilers Wild Card game. And I have like every episode of CSI and Without a Trace waiting for when I finally get the time to watch them. I found myself recording shit like Tremors 4, which I didn't even know existed, just in case I felt like watching it sometime. I didn't. And I had to delete it to be able to fit in all the episodes of Desperate Housewives. I wish I was kidding.

Quote of the Day 11/1/04

"That car sucked. It was like driving a fart."

-Ryan Bowman, starting FB for Firehouse football


Yeah, it was kinda like running behind one of his blocks. (I don't know what that means)

Trying to get back into it,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

We're going to pretend it's Tuesday and do the ratings thing:

Unwritten Ethical Violations of Passing Other Cars

Not Letting Someone Merge Onto the Road - Otherwise known as the "overaggressive spot-holder." I think this one pisses me off more than any other ethical traffic violation. In fact, I think this one is up there with getting into an elevator before I get out of it as my number one idiotic pet peeve. I can understand the riding of the next car's bumper if you are part of a chain of cars driving in the left lane and I'm trying to break into the chain to get around a guy in the middle lane. But when you see me coming onto an on ramp from another road and you refuse to let me into the right lane because you want to hold your spot in line is fucking intolerable! I swear to God this one lady would have rather ran me into the guard rail at the end of the merge lane than let me into her lane. And every next car in line was doing the same thing. This is why I think each car should come with a gun with one bullet. Traffic would flow a lot better that way. F

Driving Slow in the Fast Lane - Some people just haven't figured it out yet. The further left you go, the faster you have to drive. Why wouldn't you be able to do this? And I'm not talking about when it's crowded and confusing. If I have the ability to pass you on the right, you should get the hell out of my way in the first place. I'm not flashing my brights at you because you have a tail light out. And one day when I was particularly pissed off, I decided to get in front of this guy and sit down and see how slow I could go before he'd pass me on the right just to show him how annoying it was. Well, I got down to 30 on 95 and he waited me out. I don't get it. D

Passing On the Right - I can justify this action if it's not abused. Especially if you have an asshole doing 45 in the fast lane. In fact, it's a written law that you have to stay right in New Jersey (that's the only good thing NJ can be referenced for). Of course, it's also a law that you can't pass on the right in NJ. So if somebody’s driving slow in the left lane and you pass him on the right, you are both at fault? They mean well, but they still can't get their shit together. B

Speeding Up When Somebody Tries To Pass You - This is another strictly asshole move. If you wanted to be going that fast, you should have been doing that the whole time. Don't speed up just because you are being threatened as the fastest car on the road. This is like the traffic version of penis envy. What's your damn problem? There's no need to concern yourself with me. D-

Quote of the Day 9/7/04

"I'm sure she's nice. She's just not nice to other people."

-Katie Kraus


That's Katie's version of a compliment.

Passing on the shoulder,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

I'm Back! Again.

I'm Back! Again.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 3 months since my last quote. In that time, I have taken the Lord's name in vain probably close to 400 times and I've masturbated about that many times also. I did not covet thy neighbor's wife, but I did check out her ass for probably an uncomfortable period of time. I don't believe that I have born false witness against my neighbor, but I'm not really sure what that means, so I guess I may have. I also stole this pink slap bracelet from a store. I actually did that back in 1992, but I haven't really told anybody about it until now. So yeah, please forgive me for my sins father.

Sorry I keep getting lost in the shuffle for months at a time. You missed my exciting summer of day camp drama again. I've heard I'm actually funnier when I'm stressed out and pissed off. And I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the greater good! Actually, the reason I got inspired to start this up again is this conversation I had with this chick at Howl at the Moon. It went something like this:

Random Chick: "...I'm actually a big fan of comedy."
Excited Dustin: "Well, I happen to write a daily e-mail humor column."
Interested Chick: "Really?! What did you write about today."
Nervous Dustin: "Actually, I didn't write anything today."
Confused Chick: "Well, what did you write about yesterday?"
Back to the Wall Dustin: "Actually, I haven't really written anything in 3 months."
Less Interested Chick: "So you USED to write a humor column."
Lying Dustin: "No... I still do."
Uninterested Chick: "It doesn't really sound like you do."
Desperate Dustin: "Well, sometimes, things aren't exactly like they sound."
Mean Chick: "Kinda like how you originally sounded interesting."
Pissed Off That He Was Caught In a Lie Dustin: "And kinda like how you originally sounded cute."

OK, it didn't happen exactly like that, but it made me want to start it back up, if for no other reason than I might have a shot with a chick someday. And to try to battle the laziness factor, I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly quote schedule that will be as follows:

Monday: Freestyle rant about anything - This is where I can really talk about anything. I figure at least one funny thing will happen over the weekend that I can rant about. Or I can just make some shit up. But anyway, that's Monday.

Tuesday: Ratings - This is fun. This is where I can rate anything. Like I can rate my nicknames, the time zones, songs about women's asses and ways to get money illegally. But as usual, they all end in a quote just to keep the theme alive.

Wednesday: My day off - This is the day during the middle of the week that I will take off. If I get inspired, I will send a quote out on a Wednesday, but it is optional. To be honest, all days are optional, but especially Wednesday.

Thursday: Old School quote: I'm going to try to remember all the funny things people said from a long time ago that I never got a chance to put in the quote of the day. And I'll try to rehash stories from a while ago too. Anything at least a year old will be considered old school. Well, I'll at least give this a shot for a little while.

Friday: Movie review - I am going to try to rate a movie every Friday based on the Bug system, with 10 bugs being as good as A Bug's Life. It's a system I came up with shortly after seeing a Bug's Life and I'm stuck with it now. The movies might be new, they might not. In fact, they might not even be movies. And I might not even do it, who the hell knows?

Saturday and Sunday: More days off - I will use these days to try to catch up from when I inevitably fall behind during the week. So these will be the days in which I lie about what day it is.

So that's the weekly schedule, like it or not. You can plan your week accordingly now.

So today is not only my dad's birthday, but also my parent's anniversary. Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!!! They're awesome. I have definitely honored my mother and father throughout the years. Most of you already know how funny my dad is through either meeting him in person or reading this crap for the past however many years. Well, in honor of the day of his birth, I have a dad quote that he said to me earlier this summer...

Quote of the Day 9/6/04

Dad: "Hey, I saw a show the other day that I couldn't believe you weren't on."
Me: "Oh really, what was it?"
Dad: "Last Comic Standing."

He could have just said "Hey, how come you're not on that show Last Comic Standing," but that wouldn't have been dad. And when they start up a show called Last Comic Typing, I'll jump on it, I promise.

Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Doing 5 Hail Marys and 3 Hey Judes,

Friar Lennon.


Still Standing Right Here...

Gorgatron, Lord of the Cicadas

Gorgatron, Lord of the Cicadas

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I'm probably more proud of this than I should be. A few friends of mine threw a cicada party over the weekend. I thought that it was just a regular party called "The Cicada Party" to kinda justify having a party for those people who need a better reason than getting drunk and passing out on a floor covered in potato chips and salsa. So I later heard through the grapevine that there would actually be a live cicada eating contest. The gag reflex you're probably all feeling right now was my first reaction also. And if that sentence disgusted you, stop reading now. Because it was more than just a live cicada eating contest that made this a cicada party. I showed up and they had old bay cicadas, chocolate covered cicadas and cicadas in taco meat with taco shells and all the fixins. They had posterboard up for anybody who tried the different kinds to write their name down. And in this particular setting, people were impressed by these sort of accomplishments. I later realized that these accomplishments were not met with the same respect and reverence at work. In fact, I think I made Mike gag so much, he started to sweat.

So anyway, these posters were up there just begging for people with low self-esteem struggling to fit in to shove a dirty chocolate covered insect down their throat to earn a spot up on the wall of fame. And so I did. And then some hot chick convinced me to eat an old bay one. They really do taste like shrimp, by the way. But so does everything you douse in old bay. I had thought about signing the poster below it which would have entered me into the live cicada eating contest, but not after seeing the tupperware container full of them sitting outside. If you were even close to on the fence about eating a live cicada, seeing about 100 crawling around each other in a see-though plastic hell was enough to turn you vegan. It looked like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. And so I played flip cup. And then I played beer pong. And I don't remember specifically, but I probably played asshole too. At some point, I was swayed by either peer pressure, large amounts of alcohol, or a curiosity of my own competitive limitations when it came to winning something, and I signed up for the live cicada eating contest.

Honestly, I knew that nobody would give me a shot, but I knew my mind over matter reflex would trump the gag reflex to at least earn me a ride to the second round. I suppose it's also possible that I just don't give enough of a shit about my body to care what I eat. Or maybe it was the last 10 straight years of eating UMBC food that has prepared me. At any rate, I got to the next round. Before I had realized it, I was eating cicadas like they were jello. Crunchy, squirming jello that flaps its wings for a half second, but jello nonetheless. And after a photo finish determined a tie and I had to go head to head with Joelle, the hostess of the party, she punched me in the throat when it looked like I had gotten ahead of her. She was fined $50,000 by the league. So at this point, I made it to the final round, which combined agility with cicada eating. I was possessed at this point. I could have probably eaten a squirrel if somebody handed it to me. Anyway, after completing the two rounds of beer pong and flip cup and cicada eating, I came out a second ahead of the other guy. This marked several firsts in my life. It was the first eating contest I had ever won, it was the first cicada-related activity I had ever participated in, and it was the first time I ran sprinting to the bathroom to puke and had absolutely no desire to. That was weird. I expected to feel a whole lot worse after eating what turned out to be about 24 cicadas. Nothing. I was ready to go play flashlight tag. I had no ill effects at all. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep all that night. Maybe cicadas have caffeine in them too. So anyway, I am the Lord of the Cicadas until the summer of 2021. You may refer to me as Gorgatron.

Quote of the Day 6/9/04

"Happy 17th Birthday Cicadas!"

-Written in chocolate on a cookie cake


I think we showed them who the more dominant species is once and for all.

Lord of the Cicadas,

Gorgatron.


Still Standing Right Here...