Double Feature Duel (Rd3): Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Double Feature Duel (Rd3):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Nines

Wow. A movie from the 60s actually got to the Elite Eight. Congratulations! I hope you didn’t pay for your hotel room tonight already.

Title: The Nines is ambiguous. I like ambiguous. Planet of the Apes is actually clever enough to throw you off of the scent. It is the first strike in a film designed to show you the left hand the entire time, while the right hand is poking you in the brain. In a good way. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: The dialogue in the middle vignette was positively delightful and Ryan Reynolds can now make me laugh by simply wearing worn-rimmed glasses. (Point, The Nines 1-1)

Better Turn: Huh. The Nines was split into three vignettes, which doesn’t usually lend itself well to turns. However, this wasn’t an average vignette-type of movie. Can you tell I like the word “vignette” yet? (Point, The Nines 1-2)

Better Ending: Not much is going to top the classic. I only wish I was around in 1968 to see it for myself. And only for that reason. Maybe to catch Hendrix in concert once, but then to hop immediately back in the Delorean. (Point, POTA 2-2)

Better Message: I’m struggling for the first time with the word “message.” Because The Nines’ strongest feature is the question it poses about creation. But is that really a message in the same way that “Don’t f@$# with nuclear weapons” is? I guess it kinda isn’t. (Point, POTA 3-2)

Better Acting: Uh-oh. Upset alert! Oh. But then there’s a category where I have to judge the acting ability of humans in fake, plastic ape masks. (Point, The Nines 3-3)

More Creative: Whatever credit I couldn’t give to The Nines for the message that wasn’t necessarily a message in the truest sense of the word, I will give here. Because it deserves the creativity points anyway, just in case my grading rubric is getting audited. (Point, The Nines 3-4)

Poster: I think this is a point that is going to a movie just because it isn’t from the 60s. Oh well. Audit that, stupid nameless auditors! (Point, The Nines 3-5)

Watch again: I may watch The Nines again even before I write up the last MvM. I should have watched it again the day I watched it the first time. Point is, it will get watched again.(Point, The Nines 3-6)

Overall: A surprising showing by POTA to be honest. I’m glad the 60s could be represented in the Elite Eight. But let’s get real, playa. Winner, The Nines (6-3)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Source Code vs. Traitor

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Source Code vs. Traitor

A perfect 10 that came out of nowhere vs. a movie that was a 4 for 2/3rds and a 7 for the other third, thus making it half as good in total. Let’s see how the numbers fall.

Title: “Source Code” peaks your interest you without giving away a crucial plot twist. “Traitor” doesn’t. (Point, Source Code, 1-0)

Funnier: Russell Peters was in Source Code and told a joke. That’s enough. (Point, Source Code 2-0)

Better Turn: Remember that one party hat you went to where they said “keep going straight up the hill – it’s gonna turn into a dirt road and maybe gravel and you’re gonna think to yourself ‘I must have missed it already’ – keep going. Then you’re gonna want to turn, not at the next tree stump, but the one after that.” Well, that was Traitor’s turn. (Point, Source Code 3-0)

Better Ending: I do like endings which don’t reach happy little conclusions for our tormented protagonists. And I like scenes with Guy Pierce. But I also really like quantum physics applied into mainstream movies. (Point, Source Code 4-0)

Better Message: I’m not a huge fan of loyalty beyond reason. As Thomas Jefferson approximately maybe said “Patriotism is the belief that your country is the best because you were born in it.” But this guy seemed loyal to a cause that he believed in. Plus, Source Code wasn’t really all about messages. (Point, Traitor 4-1)

Better Acting: This is a tough one. Mostly because I haven’t seen the movies in about two months now. But there wasn’t much special from what I recall about Source Code. There was slightly less nothing special about Traitor, specifically Guy Pearce. (Point, Traitor 4-2)

More Creative: Um. Even Big Fish would lose this race to Source Code. (Point, Source Code 5-2)

Poster: These posters are actually quite similar. I still don’t like that Jake Gylenhall is carrying a gun. And I still think I came up with a better tagline than “Make every second count” in 20 seconds. But “The truth is complicated” is just as bad. No, worse. No, just as bad, but not worse. Both could be taglines for every movie ever made. Seriously, pick one. Titanic? Citizen Cane? Do the Right Thing? So in this case, I’ll give props to the whole world disintegrating into tiles thing that Source Code is doing. It adds to the geekiness. (Point, Source Code 6-2)

Watch again: Definitely Source Code. No need for extra words. (Point, Source Code 7-2)

Overall: A much more dominant Source Code victory. I still wish – for the sake of this contest only – that I had waited two movies to watch Moon. I wonder how it would have done in the Cincinnati Quadrant. Winner: Source Code (7-2)

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Adjustment Bureau vs. Escape From the POTA

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Adjustment Bureau vs. Escape From the Planet of the Apes

A creative movie with great dialogue and a horrible ending against one of the better movies in a series of bad films.

Title: It’s easy enough to spit out the company line about the length of the POTA title, which I already did in the first round. But Adjustment Bureau is too clever to go unnoticed. So… consider yourself noticed. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 1-0)

Funnier: I’ll give Escape its props, but the humorous dialogue from Adjustment Bureau drove the movie down its complex and windy path. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 2-0)

Better Turn: The turn in Adjustment Bureau made me turn my computer off and pay attention. And that’s hard to do, as I’m currently typing while watching another movie. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 3-0)

Better Ending: The Adjustment Bureau could have gone in a number of directions. Straight down off a Thelma & Louise size cliff is a direction. (Point, Escape 3-1)

Better Message: Escape kind of clocked us over the head with their message – almost more so than An Inconvenient Truth did, but it was still poignant. And Adjustment Bureau decided to concentrate on the swimsuit competition. (Point, Escape 3-2)

Better Acting: It’s tough to compare an Oscar-nominated actor with a plastic ape getting a truth serum. But I’ll try. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 4-2)

Poster: Neither of these is winning any awards. But Escape came out before graphic design was a profession. Adjustment Bureau has no excuse. (Point, Escape 4-3)

More Creative: Both are pretty out there in terms of creativity. Based on the parameters of “which would I least likely come up with on my own,” I’ll have to give the nod to apes that see their world destroyed in a nuclear war and go back 1000 into the past in a time machine. (Point, Escape 4-4)

Watch again: And in a deadlock at 4, I’m going to have to go with Adjustment Bureau hands down here. Sorry 1971, but even your good shit is kinda boring now. (Point, Adjustment Bureau 5-4)

Overall: A closer battle, but another POTA movie bites the dust at the hands of the Adjustment Bureau. Winner: Adjustment Bureau (5-4)

Quick Inside Slant: Week Eleven

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Eleven:

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had your fill of turkey and cranberry sauce, which I’m still unsure of how it fought its way into this tradition. And I hope you all saw the refs and/or the NFL show how biased they are toward the Packers. Honestly, I want them to go undefeated and shove the Superbowl game ball up the ass of Maurice Morris. But it was embarrassingly clear that either the NFL issued that same sentiment to the refs or this officiating crew took it in their own hands.

There was a nice hit on Matt Stafford by Clay Matthews just as the ball was being thrown. Cool. Good timing. Approximately the exact next possession, Kyle Vanden Bosch made the same exact hit on Aaron Rodgers and was flagged for roughing the passer. There was also a flag for “pass interference” on the same play for playing defense against an Aaron Rodgers-thrown pass on the same play. And I can’t be sure, but I think I saw someone in black and white stripes actually throw a block on a punt return.

And to eject Suh from the game for simply trying to rip someone’s head off and stomp on them like a dirty turdhole? That seems excessive. What the NFL should do is actually wait until he kills someone. Because I think that’s where this guy is headed. He truly doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Much like Hitler. And yes, now I’ve compared a defensive lineman to Hitler. He’s that much of a turdhole. I wonder if he knows that killing is wrong.

Bonehead Play of the Week: It’s late in the fourth quarter. Odds of Sand Diego coming back are not good. Philip Rivers is chased out of the pocket and decides to throw the ball away. Rather than waste all that energy throwing it out of bounds, he throws it to the open field. And he gets picked off. This is not his year. He can’t even figure out how to throw an incompletion.

Bullshit Call of the Week: I’m not a fan of taunting. Or DeSean Jackson. Or cranberry sauce. But I am a fan of proper officiating. After a crucial 55-yard pass play from the 5-yard line during which there was a defensive penalty, Jackson flipped the ball at some players on the Giants sideline and did that “Look at Me” nonsense that makes me wish we’d bench him for the rest of the season. He drew a taunting flag and the penalties offset and the Eagles had to replay the down from the 5. But because the taunting came after the play, it should have been dealt with separately, after the outcome of the play had been determined. I’m not bitching here about judgment calls, because refs have a hard job and they miss calls in the speed of a game. I understand. I’m bitching about the rule interpretation, which a team of 7 officials on the field, given time to set their footing over the calls made, absolutely need to get right. That said, DeSean Jackson is a little bitch and I’ve given up on the Eagles already, so I don’t mind it that much.

Fantasy Dud of the Week: Week 10 was an amazing time for John Skelton. It looked like he was the next Tom Brady, if Kevin Kolb was Drew Bledsoe. He came out with 32 fantasy points and a fourth quarter comeback against the Eagles (surprise, surprise). Week 11. The 49ers have been pretty good, but there was no stopping this guy, right? Wrong. 99 yards passing and 3 picks, no TDs. -2 points. And he played all game. Yikes.

Hard Luck Team of the Week: Well, the Colts have a bye, so I’ll leave them alone. Besides, they lost Peyton Manning. Everybody knows why they’re losing. But I have no idea why Miami only has 3 wins. Especially after their 35-8 drubbing of the once high-flying Bills. It’s like they’re not even trying to win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes anymore.

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): The Nines vs. The Cove

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
The Nines vs. The Cove

The most surprisingly good movie I’ve seen since Frequency vs. an Oscar-winning documentary. The ole narrative vs. documentary matchup. Not usually good for the documentary, but it made it this far so who knows?

Title: I do appreciate the brevity employed by both movies here, but I much favor the ambiguity of The Nines. Because if there’s one thing you know about me, it’s that I enjoy ambiguity. (Point, The Nines 1-0)

Funnier: The murder of dolphins isn’t really high on the humor scale. (Point, The Nines 2-0)

Better Turn: For a three-vignette series, The Nines has the feel of a complete narrative. And up against a documentary, it has a chance. That chance is now gone. (Point, The Cove 2-1)

Better Ending: The Cove isn’t going to lose this too often. It stepped away from the narration to let the power of the final scene do the work. However, The Nines raised some existential issues that I still haven’t fully grasped. And it made fun of gamers. (Point, The Nines 3-1)

Better Message: Well, The Nines isn’t going to lose this too often, but there hasn’t been a more direct and efficiently delivered message since An Inconvenient Truth than what The Cove delivered. (Point, The Cove 3-2)

Better Acting: It doesn’t always play out like this, but usually the documentary get the point for the message and the narrative gets this point to even it out. This is not exception. (Point, The Nines 4-2)

Poster: The Packers lead the NFC at 10-0 right now and yet they are 31^st in passing defense. The Patriots are 7-3 atop the AFC and have the 32^nd best pass defense (out of 32). If this was the battle between those two teams, this category would be like their pass defense. But I like the dolphins (on the poster, not the team – though they have a better pass defense). (Point, The Cove 4-3)

More Creative: It’s going to take a miracle for The Nines to ever lose this category. This isn’t it. (Point, The Nines 5-3)

Watch again: I wanted to watch The Nines again immediately after I saw it the first time. That hasn’t changed at all. (Point, The Nines 6-3)

Overall: Well, I have a feeling that the only movie that could have stopped The Nines from running through this half of the bracket would be a documentary. And yet, it didn’t. Winner: The Nines (6-3)

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

Proper and Improper Uses of the Word “Literally” in Sports History

December 28, 2004 – After a Los Angeles Lakers victory over the Toronto Raptors in which Kobe Bryant scored 48 points and shot 57% from behind the arc, John Anderson said that Bryant “literally carried the team on his back.”

At a team Christmas party earlier that week, Bryant was reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Sneetches” to his daughter. To represent how Sylvester McMonkey McBean was wiping off stars with his Star-OFF machine, Bryant mounted PG Derek Fisher on his back and wiggled him around the room. His daughter was so delighted, that Bryant repeated this with all of his teammates, literally carrying the team on his back. Shaquille O’Neal was a member of the Miami Heat at the time. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 3, 2004 – In a press conference after an 11-point loss to the New York Knicks, Philadelphia Sixers SG Allen Iverson said he “literally could not buy a bucket today.”

On his way to Madison Square Garden, Iverson stopped by a KFC/Taco Bell and ordered a bucket of Original Recipe chicken. With the KFC credit card machine not working at the time, Iverson was forced to pay in cash. Having been predisposed to not carrying any with him, he could only muster up enough spare change from his seat cushions for the 4-piece meal. He then showed up to MSG and went 2 for 21 from the floor, ending the Sixers’ playoff chances. Diagnosis: proper usage.

November 11, 2003 – In reference to FB Tony Richardson, Trey Wingo stated on NFL Live “this is the guy who literally paves the way for Priest Holmes.”

At the time, Richardson was a Pro Bowl fullback whose primary responsibility was to block for Holmes, the league’s leading rusher. It wasn’t until after the 2010 season, when Richardson became part owner of Ground and Pound Concrete, a southern affiliate of Driveways! Driveways! Driveways!, that he found himself in a position to pick up a job for a familiar client in his San Antonio area home. Despite their relationship, Ground and Pound was outbid by Touch Down Masonry and Richardson didn’t get the chance to pave the way for Holmes. Diagnosis: improper usage.

September 21, 2008 – On Sunday NFL Countdown, Mike Ditka called the upcoming game between the 0-2 Cleveland Browns and the 0-1 Baltimore Ravens a “must win for the Cleveland Browns – literally – a must win.” He actually paused to emphasize literally.

The Browns, having already lost a division game to Pittsburgh, would be unable to statistically overcome an 0-3 start to the season with 2 division losses. The Browns lost the game in route to a 4-12 season, missing the playoffs for the sixth straight season, thus proving Ditka’s emphasis on literally undeniably correct. Diagnosis: proper usage.

March 25, 2002 – After a one-point loss to the Denver Nuggets, New York Knicks perennial backup PG Charlie Ward claimed that he “just literally dropped the ball on that one.”

He was speaking in reference to a botched defensive assignment which gave Nick Van Exel an easy go-ahead layup with 3 seconds left in the game. Ward then reminded reporters that he won the Heisman Trophy back in 1993 and went on a very tearful personal confession about regretting certain life decisions for 23 minutes. He did not, however, literally drop a ball. Diagnosis: improper usage.

Double Feature Duel (Rd2): Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Double Feature Duel (Rd2):
Planet of the Apes vs. The Invention of Lying

Old school classic vs a movie I didn’t even know existed. Let the game begin.

Title: The title of the movie throws off the scent of the ending in Planet of the Apes, which is enough to merit a point here. (Point, POTA 1-0)

Funnier: It’s like beating up a frog that didn’t even know he was in a fight. (Point, Lying 1-1)

Better Turn: Rocky Gervais told a lie vs apes finding out Heston could talk. And in a no contest win… (Point, POTA 2-1)

Better Ending: Talk about Mariano Rivera all you want, Rod Serling is the best closer of all time. (Point, POTA 3-1)

Better Message: Planet of the Apes was a warning about nuclear war and how it could destroy humans and we may be ruled by apes. Believable, no. But neither is living in a world where a woman will sleep with you because you tell her it’s the only way to stop the nuclear attack. Trust me. (Point, POTA 4-1)

Better Acting: Well, comparing a movie largely acted by humans in ape masks to one with a bunch of stand-up comics is not the easiest job I’ve had. However, I’ll take Louis C.K. over the plastic ape-people. (Point, Lying 4-2)

Poster: Man, posters were bad back in the 60s. (Point, Lying 4-3)

More Creative: A world where people can’t lie, but for one person who randomly comes up with it. Kinda stupid, but not necessarily uncreative. But the iconic image of the Statue of Liberty at the end of POTA floored people for decades. And that’s worth a point I think. (Point, POTA 5-3)

Watch again: If the two were on cable right now and I was by myself, I’d probably watch The Invention of Lying because it was funny. If the person I was with hadn’t seen either, I’d want to show them Planet of the Apes. But because it doesn’t matter anyway… (Point, Lying 5-4)

Overall: A 7-bug movie beat a 6.5-bug movie by 1 point. It’s almost like I know what I’m doing. Winner: Planet of the Apes (5-4)

Double Feature Duel: The Baltimore Quadrant

Double Feature Duel:
The Baltimore Quadrant

As I mentioned before, this idea that I had to take the two movies I’ve watched most recently and compare them to each other turned into something bigger. Which was awesome and a lot of fun when I wasn’t married or taking two classes and it wasn’t football season. But here’s something you should know about me. I follow through with my stupid ideas. I have no regard for deadlines, but it will get done, regardless of how few people care about this.

Again, the number next to each movie on the left side is their “bug scale” ranking. For simplicity sake, just assume that means it’s their Dustin ranking out of 10. The subsequent numbers are the score of their previous victory.

The first 16 have already finished in what I call the “Philadelphia Bracket.” In the No Surprises Here news, Big Fish made it through to the final four. The upcoming “Baltimore Bracket” is infested with Planet of the Apes movies. I decided to try to watch all the original movies before going to see the one in theaters for some reason. Despite the presence in numbers, I’m betting on seeing a 4^th round matchup between two 10-bug movies in The Nines and Source Code for a spot in the final four. But that’s not always how it happens. So in the eternal words of Pink, get this party started.

Quick Inside Slant: Week Ten

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Ten:

Sorry but I needed to take my bye last week after the Eagles stole another defeat from the jaws of victory on Monday night. I almost gave up football completely. Sundays were beginning to get more stressful than my quarterly review. That’s when I remembered that I’m not actually on the Eagles and I’m not bound in any significant way to the team. This was a bag of bricks that should be easy enough to set down. I don’t have to set aside time to go to a bar to watch the Eagles play the Cardinals next week. And it’s a damn good thing I didn’t. Does that make me less of a fan? Of course it does. Do I care? Let me explain.

I am an Eagles fan living in Redskins territory. This is usually a non-issue as D.C. has both a very transient geography and a very underperforming football team. In addition to being an Eagles fan, however, I am also a rational human being. Root for whoever you want to root for and a little harmless trash talk is certainly appreciated. But next time I’m at the Susan G. Komen Race For a Cure wearing an Eagles visor in memory of my father who died of lung cancer, just think how important it is for you to blurt out “Eagles suck!” in a crowd of 50,000 people. Because I’m going to say “So does cancer.”

This is fanhood. A Grand Canyon-sized crevice in otherwise rational people’s thought processes. Or a normal-sized flat plain of land in idiots. And I fall into it just as much as everybody else. “Nice Cowboys hat. Are you from Texas?... No!?... Well then explain why you’re a Cowboys fan and if I don’t like it, I’m going to unfairly judge you for being less of a person than me.” What makes me better than you for rooting for the team from my local area? If anything, I should be rooting for a team that I admire for some other logical reason. More community service work, an interesting defensive scheme, shinier helmets. Loyalty to a team just because I was born close to their stadium is the antithesis of creativity. I should really be rooting for other things anyway. Like Detroit to actually get to the playoffs. The failure of Eli Manning, Mark Sanchez and Phillip Rivers is always fun. Or for Green Bay to go undefeated this year so we can finally put to bed that damn ‘72 Dolphins tradition of celebrating the week that the last undefeated team loses. It’s the most conceited and egotistical tradition in all of sports. Instead, I’m confined to root for a 3-6 team that is possibly the most underachieving team of all time against a division rival without their $100 million quarterback. And the answer is yes I do. Because I’m too scared to admit my theory to a society that isn’t ready for it. That said, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES! Besides, I’m rooting for Eli’s failure anyway.

Bonehead Play of the Week: Marc Sanchez, who I’m still not sure why I dislike, called a time out on a 3^rd down play with 1:27 left in the half when he could have let the clock run down another 30 seconds instead. They scored on the next play, but left Tom Brady enough time to drive down and score on the next drive, which ultimately made the difference in the game. Marc’s coach, leader of men that he is, called him out on national television about how stupid he is. J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!

‘Nice Play; Don’t Ever Do It Again’ Play of the Week: As a punt returner, you are taught to plant your back foot on the 10-yard line and not to field anything inside of that. Patrick Peterson of the Cardinals opted to field a punt on the 1-yard line. Yes, the one. And he ran it back 99 yards to win the game in overtime. Nice play, Patrick. Don’t ever do it again.

‘Why Not’ Move of the Week: And in the “what the hell” category, Shanahan has decided to go back to Rex Grossman as the starter for Washington. I guess he has a short memory when it comes to the 11 interceptions he threw in the first 4 weeks of the season. Wow! You mean that didn’t work? Another 2 picks? I’m just glad they’re in our division.

Unbelievable Stat of the Week: Did Tim Tebow really win a game in which he didn’t complete a pass for the first 41 minutes of the game? And then he only completed two? Two complete passes in a win? I’d almost rather be 3-6. And then he managed to win again on Thursday with another horrible 56 minutes of crap and 4 minutes of blind luck. I can’t believe he has more wins than the Eagles. That’s the most disappointing part of the season.

Review of J Edgar

Review of J Edgar

Jenn and I went to watch J Edgar. It was sold out. We went to see Tower Heist instead. Pretty decent movie, actually. Then we pressed our luck and went to the late showing of J Edgar. We hit a whammy.

The movie started as J Edgar telling a story to a series of FBI plebeians in the setting of a memoir recording. This makes it easier to jump around in time and justify a narrator in a movie that wants to take itself seriously. But Clint Eastwood took a few too many liberties with his elastic structure. He had flashbacks within flashbacks, jump cuts across time periods and a Delorean that went 88 mph. It was more confusing than Inception in parts, only without the payoff. He stretched that elastic structure like a fat man’s bathing suit. And now nobody can wear them.

My first thought of the film was “That’s Leonardo with makeup on” and that was it for a while. Sure, he delivered a compelling performance and may get an Oscar nod because that’s what happens with these big budget biopics, but the problem with telling true stories is that they tend to be boring. Life seldom has a second act. I got bored early, making it tough to root for a character. His battle with sexuality was an interesting one, but the cross-dressing scene was overhyped and dull, though not nearly as overhyped as the revelation of how he got the name “J Edgar.” The way it was shot, I think they expected the entire crowd to gasp in unison. This movie lost me somewhere in the details I’m guessing they wanted to get right. And kudos for staying true (at least as far as I know) to the facts. It may not be entertaining, but no one will call Clint Eastwood a sell-out now.

There’s a difference between documentary, fiction and narrative non-fiction. Narrative non-fiction does not do its creators any favors. It gives the audience the illusion of fiction within the confines of documentary storytelling. Case in point, it’s not easy to pull off. That’s why Oliver Stone makes shit up.

In the end, it looks like Eastwood just needed to do something to do this year and not everybody golfs. 4 bugs

Review of Tower Heist

Review of Tower Heist

Jenn and I went to watch J Edgar. It was sold out. We had to pick another movie or leave and have to talk to each other. So we reluctantly settled on Tower Heist. Well done, karma.

All the previews play this as Dumb and Dumber meets Oceans 11. I fully expected a stupid, Zoolander-esque (still haven’t seen it) movie that should be in the background while I fold my laundry. In no world should I be paying $10 for food I wouldn’t eat on an airplane to watch this thing. Only it wasn’t. It actually tried to be a real movie. A Ben Stiller movie, but a real movie. And it succeeded. Up until the part where they pushed the gold-laden car out the 40^th story penthouse without attracting any attention.

It started out with one of those formulaic fast-paced scenes showing all the different ways Ben Stiller could shit gold. Somebody needs Mets tickets? He’s got 2 behind the dugout. Somebody needs a good mud bath? He’s got dirt in one pocket and water in the other. Somebody needs a kidney? He’s O negative and was born with three. It gets us through the first act in about 10 minutes. Some of the jokes hit and some missed. Michael Pena was on one end of the spectrum and Casey Affleck was on the other, but I won’t tell you which was which. Also, I think I’m laughing at Matthew Broderick out of respect more than humor. Regardless, the characters were the best part of the film. They weren’t experienced thieves (save for Eddie Murphy’s 48 Hours roll reprised), but they weren’t Dumb and Dumber.

And there’s been a Tea Leoni sighting. Turns out she is still alive and living among us humans. I don’t understand why she isn’t in more movies.

But when the heist, the movie’s namesake, actually begins is exactly where the suspension of disbelief ends. Cars dangling out of buildings without anyone noticing, being pulled into a window like wooden rocking chairs and finally being pushed into an elevator shaft. Casey’s character changing his mind and showing up at just the opportune moment and getting that promotion in the first place. I was with them up until the parade of nonsense, both from the characters and physics.

Still, for all the unbelievable action sequences which I didn’t have high hopes for anyway, it was a fun movie. And they played the characters as if they were real, despite what the previews suggested. So if you’re expecting Along Came Polly, you should be pleasantly surprised. If you’re expecting Oceans 11, bring an iPhone and some ear buds. 7 bugs

Review of Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Review of Rise of the Planet of the Apes

First of all, we need to know what it is. Because we like to put things in boxes. Is it a sequel? A prequel? An equal? A fecal? Well, those that were fortunate enough to only see the original Planet of the Apes with Charlton Heston would assume this to be a prequel, since it shows how the apes began to rule the humans. Those sadistic enough to torture themselves through the entire original 5-movie series would recognize this as an alternative version of the fourth movie, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, which because of the time travel element of the third one, could have been considered a prequel OR a sequel. Sorry about your boxes.

But the next and more important question is “Was it awesome?” And the answer is yes. Very, and in many different ways. Apparently, you can take ultra-awesome CGI special effects and write a script around it. Both elements can indeed coexist in the same film. I hope the Transformers franchise was paying attention.

The film could have (and really did, for everyone born after 1970) exist on its own. But it’s brilliantly extended itself to the original series. It nods its cap to that series by throwing in some references to the originals. And not like the hackneyed bullshit “Get your paws off me, you damn dirty human” that Tim Burton did back in 2001, which was more of a mockery than an homage. From the ape’s name to his first word to his “Bright Eyes” nickname. It was all done very tastefully for those still alive to remember that original series.

But MAN, was it good. James Franco isn’t winning any Oscars for it, but he was serviceable as a lead. Though the real star was Caesar, the CGI-caked Andy Serkis, who gave this ape some legit emotions. And how about the clever storyline? For the record, Harry Potter fans, this is what makes good science fiction superior to silly fantasy flicks. It takes a believable concept like medicine that can rehabilitate brain cells (why the hell not?) and it makes something possible out of it. How stupid would this movie be if an ape just pointed his finger and said “Pamplonius Margonius” and all the humans magically had really debilitating dysentery all at the same time? Real stupid is the answer. I would have also accepted very, totally, and wow – yeah – you’re right.

I could poke a hole or two in this, like the overdramatized final scene, but it was still touching. I can’t find a thing wrong with this movie and I’m not going to try anymore. 10 bugs

Quick Inside Slant: Week Eight

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Eight:

I made a typo last week and I’d like to correct that now. In reference to the Miami comeback, I mentioned that there “wasn’t a good Tim Tebow and a bad Tim Tebow, but there was only one average, erratic and overhyped Tim Tebow.” I mistakenly typed the word “average” when I meant to type the word “horrific beyond reasonable imagination.”

I kinda feel bad for the guy. He seems like a really nice guy – unlike most of the Roethlisbergers that come into the league these days – and he didn’t ask for the massive group stroke job he’s getting. But I have come to terms with being alright poking fun of the
overpaid athletes and celebrities who get exposed for their massive shortcomings. And in his case, it’s unfortunately his ability to play the position he’s been paid millions of dollars to play. You can generally learn to stop sexually assaulting people in bathrooms, but poor Timmy’s got a mountain of incompetence to climb. One of the Lions defenders said he was bored during the game last week. In reference to his skill level at the quarterback position, Merril Hoge said, “it’s never been this bad.” Hopefully for Tebow, the greater public will still be too busy making fun of his religious posturing to concentrate on his lack of talent.

Surprising Stat of the Week: OK, how many of you watched draft day and thought that Cam Newton was going to be a fun toy and would sell tickets, but would ultimately just be a punchline? Me too. And right now, he’s 2^nd in the league in passing yards and tops the charts in fantasy points. He’s also on pace for 4,786 passing yards. The rookie record, set by Peyton Manning in 1998, is over 1,000 yards less than that. And somehow they’re only 2-6.

Bonehead Play of the Week: It’s not often that I pick on the Patriots for doing anything stupid. So you’re in for a treat. New England was down 13 points to the Steelers when Rob Gronkowski scored with 4:11 left in the game. Only the refs didn’t call it that way. Instead, the ball was ruled down on the one-yard line. I can understand the idea behind just lining up and trying to punch it in, since they had another couple downs to play with. BUT, once they ran the play clock down to 4 seconds getting the next play in and thinking about it, the risk/reward decision swung heavily back to throwing the challenge flag. Because if it held up, all that time would go back on the clock. They did indeed score with 2:35 left, but trying to mount an 80-yard drive with 19 seconds left is a little more difficult than doing it with 2 minutes left. It’s worth potentially wasting a time out, bonehead.

Hard Luck Team of the Week: The Colts are the hard luck team of the season. But I’m not sure even Peyton could have saved this team. Last I know, he didn’t punt the ball. However, Miami wins this award for the second week in a row. They looked poised for a huge upset and even went for it on 4^th and goal in a “why the hell not?” move and made it, putting them up 14-3. But once again, they squandered it in the fourth quarter, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Boneheadier Play of the Week: The Chargers are finding new, creative ways to lose now. In the “did that really just happen” department, Phillip Rivers dropped the center/quarterback exchange in the final drive in which they only needed a field goal to win. Oops. It’s kinda hard not to blame that one on you, Phil. Cry me a rivers.