My Yearly Panic Attack: The Twelfth Day of Giftmas 2011

My Yearly Panic Attack: The Twelfth Day of Giftmas 2011

The gifts have been given, the parties have been partied and the cookies are starting to get hard. It’s time to take down the tree and change your facebook picture to something less merry. It’s time to dig up that list of resolutions you said you’d complete by this Saturday and start bargaining with your past self. And it’s time to stop turning the pages in that calendar and throw the empty rind in the trash. For me, that also means it’s time to add a digit to my age. It’s not necessarily more depressing saying “37” than “36,” but it’s still another number that’s higher than the last.

And as much as I like to really hope it isn’t the case, I can’t help feeling bad for myself when I see other people doing the things I want to do. And no, I’m not talking about Snookie. Well, yes I am – but this is a different thing. I saw an innocent enough post from an old friend about him outlining an idea for a story and how he can’t believe that is considered “work.” My best man posted something similar in response. A good friend would have felt happy for his two writing friends. Not me. Not today. I was pissed. How has the world passed up this talent of mine? Suddenly, The Tree of Life made sense. These guys were two of my biggest fans at one time and now they’re out there in the world doing what I want to do. And I know them. They’re real people. What do I have to show for all my years of honing my humor skillz? Just a blog no one reads and a bunch of youtube videos of me doing stand-up at open mics.

Oh yeah. I forgot. I very often forget. I did do something about it. I gave it a try, though a little late and maybe half-assed. But I integrated myself into the stand-up circuit in Cincinnati. And to prove it wasn’t a fluke, I did it again here in DC. And honestly, this dream of writing only recently developed as an off-shoot of that dream. And shit, I’m 16 credits into my graduate degree in Creative Writing. Oh yeah, and I got married last year. And performed in front of 1,000 people at the Lyric and had an award-winning, inspirational show that sold out the Fringe Festival and beyond.

Panic attack deactivated.

Now I just need to use this yearly panic attack for the forces of good. Not to just use all these words to make me feel better about being unproductive. To get off my ass and start doing something. This blog has proven it’s going nowhere, at least not in its current format. Anybody else know that this is the 100^th post of this year for the first time ever? Didn’t think so. And happy as I am with everything I just mentioned, I now want more. I want recognition. I want 2,045 twitter followers. I want a paycheck. I want to say “I’m a writer” and mean it. And maybe next year I’ll be able to feel good for John and Mike, who deserve their success for pursuing it. Hopefully I won’t just be blogging about it to no one but my future self. Thanks for reading, whoever you are. May you have a happy and productive 2012.

Double Feature Duel: Miracle on 34th St vs It's a Wonderful Life: The 11th Day of Giftmas

Double Feature Duel:
Miracle on 34^th Street vs. It’s a Wonderful Life

Bout #27: It's recently come to my attention that I haven’t seen two of the most classic Christmas movies. As a film school grad raised on the profit of a mom and pop video store, I figured tis the season…

Miracle on 34^th Street: I wasn’t around in 1947 to know what a good film was. Maybe the pacing was natural for the time but I found some scenes awkward, particularly the long pauses on pieces of writing so the audience can read them. Directors find a different way to do that nowadays. All that said, it was a fun movie. A man named Kris Kringle is so disappointed about the Macy’s drunken Santa that he decides to take the job himself. His sanity comes into question both with the characters and with the audience. Is it really Santa? But when it came time for the second act, Santa hit somebody in the head with his umbrella. Maybe it was customary to hit people in heads with umbrellas in the 40s. I don’t know; I wasn’t around. But the movie just expected the audience to glance over this. Then it turned into a courtroom drama where Santa and his lawyer roommate had to prove that he really was Santa. And in a courtroom scene that would have made my 9^th grade screenplay look good, they found a loophole to get Santa out free. Yay. Through the movie, the most intriguing facet was the relationship between Santa and a 9-year old Natalie Wood. She didn’t believe in Santa. But Santa came through in the end, of course. I’m guessing that was the miracle. 5.5 bugs.

It’s a Wonderful Life: Cheesy, predictable, awkwardly paced and rich with jump cuts – but it got me. The sappy ending pulled me back in. An above average man (James Stewart), through forces largely outside his control, ends up living an average life. I know. You can see the parallel. On the brink of suicide after hearing that he’d be worth more dead than alive, he tempts suicide. Down comes an angel – who we’ve already met in the beginning of the film in a Deus Ex Machina as literally as it has ever been applied – to save the day. He shows James what his life would be like had he never been born and SURPRISE! – it turns out he’s affected a few lives here and there. When returned to reality, he runs screaming through the streets about how wonderful his life is, having just minutes earlier, been ready to commit suicide. That’s the part that’s cool. That said, arguably the most iconic Christmas film of all time had jump cuts in emotionally important moments, which is so amateur hour, you don’t even see them in first year film school projects. And the very ending where everybody gives James the money he needs out of the goodness of their heart is over the top wine cheese. Without crackers. But again, I wasn’t around in 1946 to understand the culture. 7 bugs.

Title: Tough to judge film titles that have become so engrained in our culture. Both have been celebrated, redone and parodied. Both also give away the ending, though It’s a Wonderful Life was a lot more tongue in cheek. Because it wasn’t a wonderful life for a long time. And technically, the miracle didn’t necessarily occur on 34^th St. (Point, Wonderful 0-1)

Funnier: Both were funny in their own ways, though James Stewart’s character from It’s a Wonderful Life had more carryover to the new millennium. (Point, Wonderful 0-2)

Better Turn: James Stewart was finally getting married and on his honeymoon when the stock market crashed and his business was about to crumble. He had to stay behind to save it, neglecting the lovely woman in the white dress, though she made the best out of the situation, rather than getting upset. And that sure beats Santa hitting a psychiatrist in the head with an umbrella. (Point, Wonderful 0-3)

Better Ending: I spoke about how much I liked the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. But I hated the very ending. In total, I don’t think it stacked up to Santa’s gift of a house and home for his little 9-year old friend. (Point, Miracle 1-3)

Better Message: Maybe it’s older than the 40s or maybe it was born with this movie, but there is yet a better message conveyed in a movie than the “be thankful for what you have” and/or “don’t forget the bright side” message from It’s a Wonderful Life. As good as “believe in miracles” is, it’s tough to compete. (Point, Wonderful 1-4)

Better Acting: I did enjoy Kris Kringle and the single mother (which probably wasn’t too popular in those days), but James Stewart and Donna Reed were a fun couple to watch. (Point, Wonderful 1-5)

More Creative: It’s a Wonderful Life gets a lot of press for the ending, but truth be told, it’s not that tough a concept to come up with. And Santa needing to prove he’s Santa in a court of law with a corrupt judge is pretty original for my money. (Point, Miracle 2-5)

Poster: Well, it’s tough to find a consensus on what the original poster is for some of these older films, but given what I have to work with, I’m going to have to go with It’s a Wonderful Life for at least using real people on the poster. And it helps that it isn’t on a puke yellow background too. (Point, Wonderful 2-6)

Watch again: I will likely watch a remake of either of these in 364 days or so, but if I were to watch one of the originals again, it would probably be It’s a Wonderful Life. But probably only if I was folding laundry or baking cookies too. (Point, Wonderful 2-7)

Overall: In the battle of classic Christmas movies that came out just a week apart from one another, It’s a Wonderful Life takes the blue ribbon. Though truth be told, it’s a lot less Christmassy than Miracle on 34^th Street. Shame that’s not a category. Winner: It’s a Wonderful Life (7-2)

What to Get Your 15-Year old Cousin: The 10th Day of Giftmas

(Ed note: This is based on no research and Quote of the Day Enterprises absolves itself of the ramifications of these gift purchases)

A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle – Part 2: The Ninth Day of Giftmas 2011

So you're sayin there a chance!

Thank you so much Santa, for giving us the gift of another week of hope. Of all the games that we needed, the most improbable of them was a Redskins victory over the Giants. On any given week, Mark Sanchez can play anywhere from horrible to serviceably well and Tony Romo’s inconsistencies –  especially in December – are very well-documented. But relying on Rex Grossman to win a game against a Giants team that came 4 points away from beating the undefeatable Packers was a tall order. But somehow, you managed to keep hope alive. Now onto the next phase:

It’s pretty simple now, especially after the Detroit comeback. Not easy, but simple. We cannot get the wild card now that two teams in the North (GB and DET) and two teams in the South (NO and ATL) both have at least 9 wins. The only way we can get to the playoffs is through the East. And the only way that can happen is with a three way tie at 8-8. This means PHI needs to win out and have DAL lose out and NYG lose one game. Thankfully, we play each other a couple times so we can take out two birds with one stone. Because if PHI played ATL this week and DAL played SF, we’d need both games to go a certain way. But since we play each other, a PHI win=a DAL loss. One stone. Two birds. Same in week 17 when NYG plays DAL. And all four games are very even or favorable matchups. Four games left. One in 16 chance (again, if flipping coins). And here’s how it shakes out:

Week 16: NYG vs. NYJ, 1:00pm: PHI needs NYJ to win. NYJ favored by 2.5. Home game for NYJ. Also home game for NYG. Giants known for choking away leads in December. Jets known for inconsistent quarterback play. Both these facts are good for the cause. Projected result: NYJ win. 1 in 8 chance.

Week 16: PHI vs. DAL, 4:15pm: PHI needs to win. DAL favored by 1. DAL lost to PHI by 27 earlier this year. DAL not eliminated with loss. PHI will know before game starts if they have a chance. Felix Jones and DeMarco Murray still hurt. Romo famous for sucking in December. Would be very funny if PHI wins. Result: PHI win. 1 in 4 chance and a reason to watch football next week.

Week 17: PHI vs. WAS, 1:00pm: PHI needs to win. Projected line: PHI favored by 11 (projected by me based on very little – not taking bets). WAS has nothing to play for, never does in December. PHI beat WAS easily earlier in year. Rex Grossman still sucks. Result: PHI win. 1 in 2 chance.

Week 17: DAL vs. NYG, 8:20pm (projected flex game): NYG need to win. Projected line: pick em’. By kickoff, NYG will know they’re eliminated, will motivate them more. NYG beat DAL a few weeks ago in closing minutes on blocked field goal. Some BS like that will happen again. Result: NYG win. 1 in 1 chance.

If nothing else, PHI should make the playoffs just because it would be funny. Same with the Chiefs. But that’s a story for another day. And once we get in the playoffs, look out world. We’re playing with house money. Let’s go out and show the world that you can win the Superbowl even with two 4-game losing streaks in the middle of your season. Man, would that piss off a lot of people. Especially, CHI, SEA and ARI who will all have better records than us and be sitting at home watching the playoffs like me. Vince, the Dream Team is back on!

What Your Favorite Holiday Song Says About You: The Eighth Day of Giftmas 2011

What Your Favorite Holiday Song Says About You:
The Eighth Day of Giftmas 2011

12 Days of Christmas: You enjoy forcing sing-alongs at office parties AND/OR you are very insecure and like to prove your worth to everyone around by showing that you memorized the quantity and activity of all the different random birds, lords and pipers in this song.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (Band Aid): You pay 55 cents a month to an African foster child AND/OR you were in Peace Corps.

Christmas in Hollis (Run DMC): You were into hip hop back before they were all thugs AND/OR you enjoy seeing Alan Rickman thrown from very tall buildings.

The Hannakuh Song (Adam Sandler): You long for the days of Saturday Night Live with the most dick jokes per minute AND/OR you are Jewish.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen): You are in your fifties AND/OR you want people to think you’re cool and this is the song you think will make people think that.

All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey): You know that Mariah is in the Guinness Book of World Records for singing in 8 different octaves AND/OR you waited in line for opening day of New Year’s Eve just in case.

Feliz Navidad (Jose Feleciano): You eat at least five meals a week at Taco Bell AND/OR you play 20v20 soccer in the dirt without shoes or goalies and call it football.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Elmo and Patsy): You are five AND/OR six.

Hard Candy Christmas (Dolly Parton): You were in a community theater production of The Biggest Little Whorehouse in Texas AND/OR you own stock in Jolly Ranchers.

Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses): You really love or really hate that cranberry sauce became a part of this tradition somehow, but you’re passionate about it either way AND/OR you think it’s still 1982.

Giftmas Shopping Timeline: The Seventh Day of Giftmas 2011

Giftmas Shopping Timeline: The Seventh Day of Giftmas 2011

Dec 25 – Jan 4: Damnit! A [name of awesome gift] would have been perfect for [person]! Much better than that stupid gift card. Thankfully, [person] only got me [thoughtless gift] this year anyway. I have to remember to get [name of awesome gift] for [person] next year.

Jan 5 – Feb 14: Holy crap I/we spent a lot of money on Giftmas this year! I/We need to plan ahead next year to find some good deals/make shit out of stuff around the house. Maybe I’ll bake those snowball cookies next year. They’re cute and cheap and Giftmassy .

Feb 15 – Oct 31: We should have Giftmas more than once a year. Why do we as a society have to be pigeon-holed into only one day a year to give gifts to people? We would be better off as a human race if we could just have that kind of giving spirit year round. And we could have another office party. Maybe I would get Alison for my Secret Santa this time. And maybe she’d stay for more than one drink this time since there wouldn’t be any other Giftmas parties to get to. I wonder if she’s serious with that motorcycle guy. I’ll bet she’s not. I need to find one of those mistletoe hats.

Nov 1 – Thanksgiving: Alright, Giftmastime is almost here! I should probably order that [name of awesome gift] for [person] now to beat the rush so I don’t have to worry about it. And I’m going to make my list of people I need to get stuff for tomorrow at work. Sweet. I can’t wait.

Black Friday: No way in hell am I going to the mall today! I’ll start my shopping tomorrow.

Black Saturday – Dec 5: You know what? Screw it. I’m doing everything online this year. Make it easy on myself. I don’t need to get stuck with all those unprepared plebeians out in the world. I can do this from my office while my boss thinks I’m doing work anyway. Except for that [office/random social group] party next Saturday. It wouldn’t get here in time. Shoot. Oh well. I just need to get on making that list.

Dec 6 – Dec 17: What the hell happened! Stupid, stupid work! Damnit. Now I have to go out with the plebeians. I hate malls, HATE THEM! I guess I don’t really need to get stuff for [random old friends/family that won’t be in town/both parties of a couple I only sort of like]. And who the hell mails out their Giftmas cards this early? How have I already gotten like 7 of them? As long as I get mine out by the end of the week. Shit! I never got the damn mistletoe hat!

Dec 18 – Dec 23: How hard is it to remember to buy stamps? Holy Fucking Ass! No way these cards are going to get to anybody on time. As long as they’re postmarked by Giftmas, I guess. Like taxes. And the hell with that [name of awesome gift] for [person]. Let’s just get this over with. I should have made a list of people I needed to shop for a month ago. Looks like Target gift cards for everybody again.

Dec 24: Aunt [name of aunt you see once a year]! How do I forget her every year?! Ugh. I hope she likes the $10 Starbucks gift card I got from Alison and that scary tattoo guy from the office party.

Dec 25: Merry Fucking Giftmas. I hate the damn holidays. Why don’t we all just get ourselves something and skip the middle man? I’m starting my shopping tomorrow for next Giftmas.

Giftmas, The Word: The Sixth Day of Giftmas 2011

Giftmas, The Word: The Sixth Day of Giftmas 2011

A point of note about the word “Giftmas” before I continue much further because I found myself saying it a lot tonight at the two Holiday Parties or Winter Soirees or whatever you want to call them.

I’m not trying to offend anyone by using it. I feel the need to say that because it’s not always the case. Like the people that think Tim Tebow is winning games because God loves him more. These are people who need to be poked a little bit. Thankfully, if I’m correct, they can take it.

Oops. I got sidetracked. Anyway, I remember people in Church when I was young telling me never to spell out Xmas, because it takes the Christ out of Christmas. And it makes sense. And I’ve written extensively on this a few years back in “The True Meaning of Giftmas.” So I understand why people (hardcore Christians without a sense of humor) take offense to the replacement of Christ not just with an “x” which is basically just a placeholder for the much longer Christ, but with the very materialistic and similar sounding gift. And let’s face it, people (hardcore Christians without a sense of humor) – you don’t pronounce the “Christ” in Christmas the correct way anyway. If looked at even just a little bit closer, it sounds more like the celebration of a chain of overpriced but yummy steak restaurants than the son of man, whatever that means. So who’s more blasphemous?

Sorry. Sidetracked again. So, the reason I came up with and have been regularly using the term Giftmas is to include everyone, not to exclude anyone. And the term really gets to the heart of what the holiday is about. I understand that there are religious ties to the holiday, but it seems to be more of a celebration of family and friends than of religion. And that’s OK, people (see above). It’s a time of loving and sharing and exchanging of material things – some thoughtful and poignant, some useless and plastic. Not all family members share the same religious beliefs and I know that’s not cool in some families, but it is in most. Or at least it’s ignored and if the subject accidentally comes up, the conversation is steered towards fantasy football.

So when I tell you to have a Merry Giftmas, it’s like I’m saying the incredibly annoying Happy Holidays, only I’m calling a spade a spade and selling out the holiday for what it really is. Pun intended. Because what else would you call a holiday that would bring together a few different religions? Exactly. You’re welcome.

Top 10 Christmas Movies: The Fifth Day of Giftmas 2011

Top 10 Christmas Movies: The Fifth Day of Giftmas 2011

I haven’t seen every Christmas movie ever. I still haven’t seen Miracle on 34^th Street or all seventeen versions of A Christmas Carol. Also, I can’t remember how I got home from work today, so there are some movies I maybe don’t remember anything about at all. Furthermore, my criteria for the following list is based almost solely on what I want to see again right now. And I’m thirsty. Who knows what the list would be like if I had a slurpee right now? Hard to say, but I bet Home Alone would be on there. [Spoiler alert: It’s not]

Also of note is that these are all Christmas movies in the sense of both words. They are not Hanukkah movies – of which there are none – or TV specials, of which there are 4,387. Also, they are all feature films. Apologies to The Grinch That Stole Christmas and all its stop-motion friends. Not to mention Night of the Meek, a Twilight Zone episode which happens to be my favorite Christmas-related show of all time and possibly my only actual Christmas tradition. Given these variables with this criteria, here’s what I came up with.

10. The Ref: First of all, it has nothing to do with officiating. So don’t keep watching, expecting a basketball game to break out. Instead, Denis Leary breaks into a house and forces a bickering couple (including Kevin Spacey) to pretend he’s their therapist during a Christmas party. I know it sounds like the plot of It’s a Wonderful Life, but there are a few variations worth watching this version. Tomatometer: 76%

9. Gremlins: So how exactly are we supposed to bathe these creatures? I’ll bet they’d make great pets for the Wicked Witch of the West. And when exactly does “after midnight” end? 5am? 3:45am? 12:01am? And who the hell likes bright light shined in their face besides interrogation victims? So the movie is not without its plot holes. But it’s a cultural icon now. And who didn’t name their hamster Gizmo when I was 13? Tomatometer: 79%

8.  Lethal Weapon: Yeah. It’s a Christmas movie. Which means you can probably figure out what #1 on this list will be – but let’s take a look. It opens with Jingle Bell Rock and has a marquee scene in a Christmas tree lot. And it ends with the suicidal Mel Gibson (pre-crazy, or at least pre-dangerously-bigot-type-of-crazy) giving Danny Glover the gift of the bullet that he was going to use to commit suicide. That probably wasn’t on his amazon.com registry. Tomatometer: 90%

7. Fantasia: How is this not on top lists of Christmas movies? Who can possibly listen to the Nutcracker Suite without thinking of dancing tea cups? I used to think that movement in the Nutcracker Suite was actually called “Dance of the Tea Cups.” So I’m putting it on my list of favorite Christmas movies, despite that it has no plot to speak of and only one of the seven vignettes has anything to do with Christmas. My list, my rules. Tomatometer: 98%

6. Bad Santa: “Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.” So no, it’s not your six-year-old daughter’s Christmas movie. It doesn’t try to be and it wears that on its CD cover. Not that any Billy Bob Thornton movie is for kids, but especially not one that taints the image of their favorite person in the world. But his relationship with the retarded kid (his word) is touching, much in the same way that moving a dying bird from the street to a yard is touching. And I owe this movie for the introduction of Lauren Graham to my life. Tomatometer: 77%

5. Trading Places: What the world needs now is another morality play disguised as pop cinema like this was. Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd in their prime. A dollar bet that ruined the life of a man for the amusement of old rich folks who get sucker punched in the wallet in the end. All set mostly – or at least enough to qualify for the list – over Christmas. Tomatometer: 89%

4. A Christmas Story: I cannot remember the last Christmas when I didn’t watch at least 25 minutes of this movie. I can probably recite it verbatim without even realizing it. Tomatometer: 89%

3. Love Actually: This was the original. Before Valentine’s Day and the dreadfully rated New Year’s Eve, there was this intertwining vignette-style romantic comedy that was more genuine than cheesy. The cool thing about this is that everyone talks about their favorite part or this part sucked but I liked that and that part was over the top, etc. But all anybody says about Valentine’s Day is it wasn’t as good as Love Actually. It’s worthy of the attention it gets. Not to mention that Colin Firth donates his time to a rather decent role in this. Tomatometer: 63%

2. Elf: Will Ferrell at his absolute best. I have publicly decried almost every SNL performer turned actor (Chris Kattan, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan), but Will Ferrell has proven whatever he’s needed to prove to me, wrapped up in this role. He makes you believe that he’s really a human who thinks he’s an elf. And he has stop-motion animated snowmen as friends. And he enjoys whatever diabetes-inducing breakfast it was that he ate. There’s a reason USA shows it three nights in a row on back-to-back weekends every year. Tomatometer: 84%

1. Die Hard: Run DMC provides the Christmas music in this coming out party for Bruce Willis. And strangely, Alan Rickman has managed to be in two very marquee Christmas movies. I wonder if that was by design. It’s a shame they didn’t have a Harry Potter and the Baby Jesus. Anyway, it’s a Christmas movie for the next generation. And by “the next generation,” I mean like four generations ago. Tomatometer: 94%

You got one I may have left off this list? Maybe you are a huge Tim Allen fan. Or maybe you hate Alan Rickman. Or maybe you think that it’s bullshit that I put Trading Places on here in place of the much more Christmassy Ernest Saves Christmas. Well, leave a note and we’ll see if your letters to the editor will get you on the back half of The 12 Days of Giftmas.

Rating Aspects of Giftmas Parties: The Fourth Day of Giftmas 2011

Rating Aspects of Giftmas Parties:
The Fourth Day of Giftmas 2011

One of the greatest byproducts of Giftmas is the amount of partying that is socially acceptable. Office parties, family get-togethers, drunken soirees with friends (soiree is the French word for religion-neutral winter party). Most of these parties are just a jolly old time. But some traditions are old and tired and need to be put to bed before Santa gets here. Here’s a quick rating of the different aspects of these holiday parties, whatever you want to call them:

Potluck: Brilliant. You don’t have to get it catered and people can show off their heretofore dormant baking and reheating skills. And there’s no ill will for bringing store-bought stuff. The snooties may turn up their noses, but it’s commonly acceptable to waltz in with Enteman’s or Nabisco or Pepsico stuff. And the guy who remembers to bring paper plates and plastic sporks is not laughed at. No! He is praised. People cannot wait for him to get there. Big fan. Downsides: disproportionate amount of cookies, food poisoning. A

Secret Santa: Great for cutting down on expenses. All for it. AND you still get a gift. BONUS! But nobody wants to get Uncle Dave. He doesn’t like anything/already has everything/doesn’t deserve anything. That’s the crappy part. I hear you. Especially when it’s that nose-ring girl from the satellite office nobody knows. And what happens if someone doesn’t show? Nothing, that’s what. But anything that lightens the burden on the wallet is a friend of mine. Just don’t make a big ceremony of watching everybody open their gift. Too much pressure. Everybody opens at the same time, thanks their person, their person thanks them. Oh, they had each other? Insert fake laughter. Then get the hell back to the eggnog. B

White Elephant: This is where you buy something and don’t label it and there’s a big game with different versions of rules that are never fully understood. If there are 30 people at your party, this game will take a full hour. BUT, it alleviates the necessity to plan anything ahead of time. So if Uncle Dave doesn’t show, it doesn’t matter. No circle is broken, no chain is unlinked. However, I participate in this version that has gotten a little too out of hand with the stupid presents. The gift isn’t worth it but it wasn’t supposed to be. Unfortunately, it’s also not worth the time. I’d rather be watching A Christmas Story again. B

Saturday Night Parties from 12/10-12/20: For crying out loud, I have two parties to go to every year and they have fallen on the same date over half the time. It needs to be the weekend because we’re young and like to party. Or we’re old and have jobs and kids. Understood. But the best Giftmas party I ever went to was on January 4^th. No conflicts, no other deadlines to meet and I could regift the crap I didn’t like from before. And it alleviated the depression that came with the realization that the holiday season was over and the work season was back. More people need to do this. D+

Dressed-up Santa: Good only for parties with kids. Unless it’s a stripper Santa. Either way, there’s a lap involved. B+

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Miracle: The Third Day of Giftmas 2011

Each year around this time, I wish for a Giftmas Miracle. This year is no exception. The wish is the same. The only difference is the enormity of the denominator. And yes, I’m talking about the Eagles making the playoffs.

Believe it or not, they’re not dead yet. Beaten and bloody, but with a heartbeat. They have a 1 in 28 chance of winning the NFC East. Well, this is true if every game was determined by a coin flip. Which, obviously, they are not. Which means we need either the Bucs or the Skins to win this weekend. Which makes me wish games were decided by coin flips.

1 in 28? Are you just making shit up, Dustin? I do make things up a lot. Guilty. But this is an actual number. I know this because it’s also the actual number of points we give up in the fourth quarter.

OK, so here’s how we win the NFC East. Ready? Because you may want to get a sandwich now and clear your schedule for the next 10 minutes. Also, all teams will be referred to by their abbreviation because I plan on typing a lot. Here we go…

1. First off, PHI needs to win the rest of their games to get to 8-8 (NYJ, DAL, WAS). 7 wins won’t cut it since both NYG and DAL have 7 right now and they play each other, putting at least one of them at 8 wins.

2. NYG and DAL can only end up with 8 wins max. Thankfully, we own the tie-breaker against both of these teams individually and collectively. Or at least we will if we win out. We’ll be 2-0 against DAL and 1-1 against NYG with a 5-1 division record, whereas NYG and DAL are currently 2-2.

3. We already know one of them will get one in Week 17 when they play each other. Crap. So here comes the first of many if/then statements.

a. If NYG wins (the Week 17 game), we need them to lose games against WAS and NYJ. DAL will have already lost against PHI in this scenario, so that’s one less game we need to worry about. In this scenario, we can actually get away with DAL beating TB in Week 15.

i. This scenario requires that the following games go one certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, NYG/WAS: Week 16 – PHI/DAL: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). We’ve already assumed that NYG has won the Week 17 matchup against DAL, so it needn’t be in this equation. Instead, this number will be averaged with the number from the other variable of the if/then statement. There are 5 games in total, which means our odds of having them all go our way (coin flip style) is 1 in (2*2*2*2*2)=1/32. Ta da.

b. If DAL wins (the Week 17 game), it gets a little more complicated. They will now need to lose that game against TB (in addition to the PHI game already accounted for). Also, NYG will need to lose one of their remaining two games against WAS and NYJ.

i. Should NYG win the game against WAS, they then MUST beat NYJ. This means the following games must go a certain way (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Now, the NYG/WAS game has assumed a winner. So that, along with the NYG/DAL game, are not in this equation. There are again 5 games in total, making odds of 1/32 again.

ii. Should NYG lose the game against WAS, they can do whatever they want to against the NYJ, knocking the total of games that need go a certain way down to four (Week 15 – PHI/NYJ, DAL/TB: Week 16 – PHI/DAL, NYG/NYJ: Week 17 – PHI/WAS). Once again, the NYG/WAS and NYG/DAL games have been accounted for through the if/then statement. So this number is now 1 in (2*2*2*2)=1/16.

iii. Averaged together under the umbrella of DAL winning the NYG/DAL matchup, the odds of this happening is 1 in (32*16)/2=24, or 1/24.

c. So considering the 1/32 chance PHI has of making the playoffs if NYG wins that Week 17 match with DAL and the 1/24 chance if DAL wins, the odds of PHI getting to 8-8, while making sure that NYG and DAL keep to a max of 8 wins averages out to 1 in (32*24)/2, or 1/28. See. Told ya.

4. Incidentally, this translates into a 3.91% chance of winning the division. Better than you thought, eh? In order to keep alive through Week 15, PHI will need to win their game and have either NYG or DAL lose, which translates into a 1/3 chance. How about that?

5. Also, I didn’t bother to take into consideration ties, as coins rarely land on their sides.

Are you ready for the completely impossible stuff? Should we lose the NFC East race, we have a 1 in 589.5 chance of making the wild card. OK, that one’s gotta be made up. Wrong again, Slick. Now you may want to get a bottle of wine and an adult diaper on for this. But I figured it all out, so I’m gonna ruin your day with math.

So you’re sayin there’s a chance…

1. First of all, PHI needs to get to 8 wins since ATL and DET are already there.

a. This means that they must either be involved in the tie-breaker or have the #5 seed.

2. The following teams can all end the season at 8-8: PHI, ATL, DET, CHI, SEA, ARI, NYG, DAL

a. Only one team from any one division will be involved in the tie-break. If teams from the same division are tied, the in-division tie-breakers will be applied to determine which team will represent that division in the cross-division tie-break.

b. This means PHI will never be in a tiebreak with DAL or NYG. More on this later.

c. Of the other 5 teams, the only team not to beat us is DET. More on this later.

3. The first tie-breaker is head-to-head.

a. In multiple team tie-breakers, one team must have swept or been swept by the other teams in order to apply it.

4. Because DET is the only team that could be involved in a tie-break with PHI who hasn’t beat them, they must be involved in the wild card tie-break, or else PHI would be forced out by the head-to-head tie-break (3a).

a. This means that DET cannot have more than 8 wins, so they must lose the remainder of their games to go 8-8.

b. This will also make them 2-3 in common opponents with PHI (ATL, DAL, SF, CHI), who is also 2-3. This will be important later.

5. CHI is 7-6 right now and split their two meetings with DET. If they were to finish at 8-8, they would enter into a tie-break with DET to determine which team would represent the NFC North in the wild card tie-break (2a).

a. CHI is 2-2 in the division and DET is 3-2. If CHI wins their non-division game (SEA) and loses the other two, they will 1) have the same record, 2) be tied in head-to-head games, and 3) have a worse division record than DET. Therefore, PHI can afford CHI to win the SEA game.

b. A CHI win against GB or MIN would give them an equal division record (3-3), but CHI will have a 6-8 record in common games (all but wins against PHI and SEA), while DET will have a 7-7 record (win over DAL, loss to SF). Therefore, DET would still represent the NFC North if they win a division game.

c. Together, this means regardless of which game CHI wins, they will lose the tie-breaker to DET, so PHI can afford them to win any one of their games to still allow DET into the wild card tie-break.

6. SEA is currently 6-7, but they are 5-4 within the conference with 3 conference games to go. At 8-8, they would be 7-5 in the conference. However, they have all the same common opponents as DET and PHI and their current record in games against them is 0-3 with two to go. So as long as they don’t win their two games against SF and CHI, they could make it to 8-8.

a. Because SEA cannot win both of their games against SF and CHI, but they can still win two games, their game against ARI doesn’t matter. At least not to them.

7. ARI is 6-5 and a win against SEA would give them the tie-breaker against SEA, as they’d be 4-2 in the division and SEA would be 4-2 at beast (pun intended), though ARI would be 7-5 in conference and SEA (since they’re not allowed to win against SF and CHI) would be 6-6 at beast. This would make for a huge problem with PHI, as a 7-5 conference record would beat out all other 8-8 teams. So if ARI is going to win two games, it cannot win the SEA game.

8. I have a headache. This was actually, believe it or not, a lot easier before I realized that CHI could still lose to DET in a tie-break based on common opponents (5b). In my original prognosis, I skipped ahead to conference record and determined that CHI could not be 8-8 and still give PHI a chance at the wild card. Once I discovered that to be incorrect, PHI chances were better, but the problem got A LOT more complicated.

a. Also, this is all based around giving ATL the #5 seed. If PHI is tied with ATL and DET, ATL wins the tie-break based on beating DET and PHI head-to-head. However, if PHI, ATL, DET and SEA are all tied at 8-8, it will come down to points.

i. Which means that ARI or CHI could go 9-7 and get the #5 and PHI would still have a chance I strength of victory against those other three teams.

b. This scenario is actually true of the following multi-team matchups (PHI, ATL, DET, SEA – PHI, ATL, DET, ARI – PHI, DET, SEA – PHI, DET, ARI).

i. Again, strength of victory only comes in after considering head-to-head, division games, common opponents and conference games. Which I did in all cases. Of course, we still have to win strength of victory and we're 57 behind DET right now. There is no coin to determine those percentages.

So again, in full disclosure, all this assumes that ATL either wins the #5 seed with an 8, 9, 10 or 11-win record OR they stay in the 8-8 muck without CHI, ARI or SEA besting them at 9-7 or 10-6. I will have to figure all that out tomorrow for you lovely people. Or maybe I’ll go to bed at a reasonable hour instead.

Giftmas Lists: The Second Day of Giftmas 2011

Giftmas Lists: The Second Day of Giftmas 2011

We did it to ourselves, society. We all stood arm in arm and when one person took a step forward, we all took that step forward. And another. And another. And another. Until finally, we found ourselves in a cold, dark forest waist deep in a leach-infested swamp without a compass, granola bar or a clean pair of underwear. And no, I’m not talking about original TLC programming – I’m talking about Giftmas Lists.

Maybe it’s always been like this and I’m just remembering wrong now that I’m older, wiser and don’t like to be told what to do – but I feel like people have forgotten the meaning of the word “gift.” There is certainly a place for Giftmas Lists for kids. I get that. But how is something even considered a gift anymore if you’re being told to buy it for someone? Gifts are supposed to be something extra, unexpected. Right? For a minute, forget what month it is and try to use the word in the sentence like “I just got you a gift.”

Ooooooh.

Remember what it means now? It used to be that Giftmas Lists were for kids and kids only. But now people have these lists on the world wide interweb where if you buy something, it comes off the list so that no one else will accidentally get another one for you. Practical, I grant you. But you can also see who got what for you when and what the hell is the point of even wrapping it? I will grant exceptions for weddings because this is a one-way exchange of gifts and knowing now how much I spent for everyone to come to my wedding, you damn well better get me something useful that we (Jenn) has already pre-approved! But the breakdown occurs when a bunch of adults are all asking for crap from each other. Especially because we’re now conditioned to get upset and talk shit about someone who gets you a gift you don’t want. What the hell? Didn’t they see my list? It’s on facebook. What’s the point in going out and getting somebody else something they told you to get them and having them get you something you told them to get you? Why not just get it your damn selves, exchange a polite nod and go take naps in separate rooms. Save everybody the time and stress of having possibly gotten the wrong “gift.”

I’ve lived poor. I know what it’s like to know if somebody doesn’t buy me a blender, I’m not going to have a blender. But I’m not going to put it on a Giftmas Registry. Because then, it wouldn’t be a “gift” as I define the word. Similarly, if you are an adult and have your own Giftmas Registry, you can count on me ignoring it. I will get you what I think you should have, like it or not. And that’s what a gift is. And if I don’t know you well enough to know what to get you, the fuck am I buying you shit anyway?

A Giftmas Tradition: The First Day of Giftmas 2011

A Giftmas Tradition: The First Day of Giftmas 2011

That’s right kids! It’s Giftmastime already. And you know what that means? That means it’s time for Dustin to set some unreachable goals and fall way short of achieving them. So back by absolutely no demand, I will once again be writing The Twelve Days of Giftmas for all my loyal readers (Hi, Tom), starting today and ending on Giftmas.

So says Current Dustin. What will actually happen is probably something closer to a “post crap when I get around to it” model. But it’s fun to pretend. That’s why people wear hats.

And it just so happens that I have exactly 12 things to say about Giftmas! Unfortunately, I’ve already written about them back in 2009/2010. But I’ll figure out 12 other things to say. If not, I can always post videos of my cat.

You may be asking yourself “So, Dustin… Having already told us that you’re likely not going to be able to follow through with this promise, why even make it at all?” First of all, it’s weird that you call yourself Dustin. Cut it out. Second, it’s because I’m stuck. I started this thing back in May called the “Double Feature Duel,” where I would take any two movies I most recently watched, regardless of the time between viewings, and have them battle in a duel, with humor being the main objective. It was going to combine my passions for movies, humor, writing and competition. Brilliant! And it was. Still is. Some good humor and fun writing has come out of it. Then I decided to make it into a 64-team elimination bracket. Still fun, but as it turns out, a whole shit-load of work. Like paying job-type of work, only without the paying job-type of payment. I can’t write about anything else now. Unless I trick myself by setting another goal to displace that one.

That’s where this comes in. Another layer of commitment on top of the other one is enough to confuse me into writing things I want to and not things I feel obligated to. Since I’m the CEO of this gig, I just need to tell myself that something I want to do is now an obligation and Past Dustin has to put his Double Feature Duel on hold until completion of the new task. Which will likely be just as much of an obligation toward The Fourth Day of Giftmas anyway. Looks like I outkicked my coverage again. Oh well. Enjoy whatever the hell happens over the next couple of weeks. Or months.

Double Feature Duel: The Good Shepherd vs. Bucket List

Double Feature Duel:
The Good Shepherd vs. Bucket List

Bout #23: I really wanted to see Bucket List before I died.

The Good Shepherd: You have to earn a 2 and a half hour long running time. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, movies that you could convincingly put the word “epic” in front of. This was a waste of at least 2:30 of that 2:40 running time. 1 bug

Bucket List: There weren’t many surprises. I knew what I was getting into when I plugged it in. And I have heard of the two main actors before and assumed they’d do a serviceable job. Well, they did. And yes it was cheesy, and yes it was formulaic, and yes it was awkwardly paced, but it was touching and real when it needed to be. And it sprinkled some real pieces of philosophy into the gratuitous skydiving and car racing scenes. 6.5 bugs.

Title: What the hell is this guy shepherding? There were no sheep anywhere. And it wasn’t a religious metaphor either. At least I doubted. I stopped paying attention two and a half fucking hours into the movie. (Point, Bucket List 0-1)

Funnier: I’m so used to thinking about Jack Nicholson in terms of A Few Good Men and The Shining that I forget how funny he can be when he wants to be. And John Turturro actually said that Matt Damon had no sense of humor. The same could have been said about the movie. (Point, Bucket List 0-2)

Better Turn: I just forced myself to try to recall what might have been the turn in The Good Shepherd, which I just saw last night, for the last 30 seconds. I farted twice and my eye won’t stop twitching. I’m taking that as a sign. (Point, Bucket List 0-3)

Better Ending: I can remember the ending of the Good Shepherd. It still sucked, but it was memorable. But not worth a point. (Point, Bucket List 0-4)

Better Message: I’m guessing there was a message in there somewhere about loyalty to one’s country or one’s family and what is more important. Kinda like the first season of 24. Only, this movie felt like it took longer to watch. (Point, Bucket List 0-5)

Better Acting: I can’t believe so many big time people were involved with this stupid movie. Damon and Angelina – even Alec Baldwin, Timothy Hutton and DeNiro himself totaled about 13 minutes of screen time. And Joe Pesci popped into a scene 2:04 into the movie. I guess everybody wanted to be a part of Bobby DeNiro’s directing debut. Shame he didn’t get an editor with some balls. (Point, Bucket List 0-6)

More Creative: Creativity is not Bucket List’s strong suit. But it doesn’t take much to beat The Good Shepherd in any category. (Point, Bucket List 0-7)

Poster: “The best spy movie ever” – Larry King. It may as well have said “Larry King wants to beat off Robert DeNiro.” And DeNiro is on the cover, despite his less than 10 minutes of screen time. The fact that there’s not a slogan trying to convince me that The Good Shepherd is a good movie is enough to give Bucket List a point. (Point, Bucket List 0-8)

Watch again: Honestly, I almost want to watch The Good Shepherd again, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything, because I really didn’t get anything. But it’s over two and a half hours. Maybe if they edit it down to a 43 minute version, I’ll watch it again someday. (Point, Bucket List 0-9)

Overall: Well, you’d think Bucket List is my favorite movie after seeing this score. Truth is that some of my Intro to Video student final projects could have put up a perfect score against that other travesty of a movie. Winner: Bucket List (9-0)

Quick Inside Slant: Week Thirteen

Quick Inside Slant:

by Dustin Fisher
Impressions of the 2011 NFL season as perceived by a Creative Writing grad student, part-time amateur stand-up comedian and collegiate intramural flag football legend (all same person).

Week Thirteen:

James Harrison is a dirty piece of crap and I’ll never root for the Steelers as long as he’s still playing for them. Sorry, Stryker. If you need proof of this, watch him after the play. There is a human being lying unconscious on the ground solely because of a hit Harrison made, regardless of intent or legality. Ten feet away, there is a yellow flag. Rather than show any remorse about the career or life he may have just taken away from said human, he whines to the refs about the little yellow flag. Fucking prick. (Ed note: he did go over to McCoy after whining about the flag, likely because a PR person told him to)

I had a law student in our basketball league who was convinced that the refs, supervisors and commissioner were unfairly calling flagrant and technical fouls on him more than any other player in the league. He thought “we were out to get him.” His words. A third year law student never bothered to consider that the only common link in all of his indiscretions was him. Occam’s Razor suggests that maybe he and James Harrison are the real perpetrators. Though I’m willing to bet that Harrison thinks Occam’s Razor is what terrorists use to shave with.

Then Harrison defended his actions after the game. Again. And once the fine comes, as we all know it will, Mike Tomlin and the rest of his team will defend him. Again. And that’s what makes this shit especially rank. When Ndamukong Suh stomped his way into a suspension on Thanksgiving, the team took him aside and said “Hey Ndamukong, grow the fuck up.” Though they probably used a nickname like Nads or Num-Num because they know him better than I do and it’s a weird and long name. Not the Steelers. They fully support having a hired hit man on their team. Which is all the more reason he needs a suspension. You want him to stop getting fined so he can afford to pay tuition for his children, tell him to stop headhunting people who might also have children to pay tuition for if Harrison lets them live long enough.

I understand. You need to play the game and can’t let quarterbacks run loose in the secondary. I get it. But you knew full well where you were hitting him. Don’t pretend we’re all stupid here. You’ve been doing it for years. You lost your plausible deniability. Just because he fooled you into coming off your man in a crucial 2^nd down late in a very losable game doesn’t give you the right to take two steps, and rise into his head, no matter what you’ve convinced yourself the rules say. You’re a thug through and through and need to get a lesson in sportsmanship. I was careful not to use the word “learn” because I don’t feel you’re capable. Suspend him, Goodell. Or get David Stern to do it for you.

Hopeless Scenario of the Week: So all the Eagles need to do is win out against the Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys, Redskins (it could happen), have the Giants split their two games with the Cowboys, have the Cowboys lose their other scheduled game against the Bucs (why not?) and have the Giants lose one of their other two games to the Jets and Redskins and we’re in! OR the Giants can sweep the Cowboys and then they need to lose all their games BUT the Cowboys would be permitted to beat the Bucs. Probably a more likely scenario. However, in both of these scenarios, we need to win all our games and winning has been our Achilles Heel all year. We can always count on the Giants and Cowboys losing in December (Arizona? Seriously?), but we still need to actually win. Oh well. It’s fun to figure out scenarios. I’d look into our wild card chances if I didn’t have to sleep tonight.

Sportsmanship Play of the Week: Not a lot of players actually acknowledge that people on the other team can dictate how the game goes. Most of them think that if they won, it’s because of something they did well and if not, it’s because it’s something they did wrong. After a one-handed TD catch by Hakeem Nicks in a very tight game against the Packers, Charles Woodson actually gave him a fist bump of approval. Then James Harrison shot them both in the face with a bazooka.

Bonehead Move of the Week: Oh, Dallas. By now, you know about the icing your own kicker time out. But here’s why it happened. With 26 seconds left and TWO time outs, Dez Bryant got the Cowboys a first down at the Cardinal’s 31-yd line. Rather than call a time out, they ran it down to 7 seconds and spiked the ball. Then they tried to rush the field goal team out on the field without calling a time out to justify having not called a time out. But they didn’t do it in time, so they called one. It obviously looks worse because they made the first and missed the second. But either way, it’s still a bonehead move. Everyone on that field and at home in their TV sets other than Jason Garrett and Tony Romo would have called a time out to try to get more yardage for their rookie kicker. Like Aaron Rodgers for example.

Surprise Stat of the Week: Cam Newton scored 3 rushing TDs in Sunday’s game against the Bucs to set the new record for rushing TDs in a season by a quarterback, beating Steve Grogan’s 12. Yes, Steve Grogan. No, that’s not a typo. Oh, and he only needs 443 more passing yards in the next three games to beat Peyton’s rookie record. That’s not a typo either.

Second Chance of a Lifetime: Dan Orlovsky is known mostly for running out of the back of the end zone on his way to leading the Lions to the only 0-16 season in NFL history. He is now starting the last four games for the 0-12 Colts in place of Curtis Painter. A single victory in those four games would probably be complete vindication for his last 0-16 season. It is his Superbowl. And his best chance will be a Week 17 game against the Jaguars. Flex, ESPN?

Weed of the Decade: Dear Brett Favre, Shut up and go away. We’ve moved on. Sincerely, Everyone.

Double Feature Duel: J Edgar vs. Shrek Forever After

Double Feature Duel:
J Edgar vs. Shrek Forever After

Bout #22: A movie about an ogre who loses his identity and wishes away his family vs. Shrek 4.

J Edgar: Sooooo, I already said this, but this isn’t that epic that everybody thought it was going to be. Epic fail, possibly. As quoted from my review of the movie, “In the end, it looks like Eastwood just needed to do something to do this year and not everybody golfs.” 4 bugs

Shrek Forever After: First of all, you have to like Shrek to like this movie. Nobody in the world is going to say “well, I wasn’t too crazy about the first 3 movies, but this one was awesome.” I like Shrek. Then, you have to accept it’s not going to be the first Shrek. Check. Then, you have to just sit back and accept a ridiculous sounding plot – even for an animated movie starring a talking donkey. Once this is complete, you will enjoy the movie. 6.5 bugs.

Title: J Edgar really wraps up what the movie is about, for better or worse, but it also mimics one of the most overdramatic scenes of the film where he has to choose between two names he’s been using for banking purposes and decides on – well, you know. It’s shot in a similar fashion to the discovery of the word “Rosebud” on Charles Kane’s sled, but with music more reminiscent of the scene from Alien where the thing busts out of the dude’s chest. (Point, Shrek 0-1)

Funnier: Hmm, didn’t even bother putting on running shoes for this race, did you? (Point, Shrek 0-2)

Better Turn: The turn is usually the plot point in which the main character is given a problem to overcome. I don’t know if J Edgar was ever given such a problem. (Point, Shrek 0-3)

Better Ending: What an overhyped and boring scene the cross-dressing scene was. It undermined from the big finale, which was the Winkelvoss twin finally getting the subtle nod of appreciation for his dedication to J Edgar, both above and between the sheets, or so he’d hoped. In the other corner, we have – surprise! – another music montage to a Carpenter’s song and a lot of happily ever after. Heads it is. (Point, J Edgar 1-3)

Better Message: Shrek is classic you don’t know what you got til it’s gone, but J Edgar is an avoid fun at all costs if you want to have a legacy in public administration. (Point, Shrek 1-4)

Better Acting: I think Leonardo DiCaprio liked the role so much he forgot to notice that the writing was crap. And it takes some bad acting to lose to a cartoon. (Point, J Edgar 2-4)

More Creative: Shrek 4 is pretty far, far out there (pun intended) and fills in some huge holes with some very obvious spackle, but the J Edgar screenplay feels more like a book report than a movie script. (Point, Shrek 2-5)

Poster: Close up photo of Leo talking. Just one poster. Good for branding. Shrek 4 has many. Most have some clever puns like “It ain’t ogre til it’s ogre” or “Where my witches at?” My vote goes to the use of fat Puss in Boots. (Point, Shrek 2-6)

Watch again: I don’t think I’ll ever find a good cause to watch J Edgar again, but I won’t rule it completely out. However, I can definitely see myself scrolling through the cable channels on a lazy Sunday (after football season, obviously) and stay on whatever channel Shrek would be on for a while. (Point, Shrek 2-7)

Overall: Yeah, I didn’t really care much for J Edgar, though I really liked the acting – even beyond Leo. Shame it’s only worth one point. Winner: Shrek Forever After (7-2)