There’s a song by Winger called “Seventeen” that has always been one of my guilty pleasures. Only it used to be a guilty pleasure because it was by one of those one-hit wonder
hair bands from the 80s. Named “Winger.” But now I feel guilty for a much dirtier reason with possible legal implications. The flagship line in the song goes “She’s only sevvvennn-teeeeeeeen… Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.” When the time comes, I will belt that line out from the depths of my diaphragm. This was starting to get weird when I was still singing this in my late 20s (Ed note: Please do not use late 20s Dustin as your moral compass. The needle always points the same way). But now I’m 35. I have a lot of friends with daughters. None of them can even see seventeen from their stroller just yet, but they exist and will likely be seventeen someday. My question is severalfold. First, am I allowed to secretly enjoy that song knowing these children amidst their rapid ascent to seventeenhood? And if so, do I need to stop liking it? And when? Additionally, is it already bad that I know all the words to it and I’m 35? And does it help or hurt that I can sing “It’s Rainin Men” with surprising accuracy and pitch? (Ed note: That never helps. Stop asking)
Still Standing Right Here…
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Daddy Says She’s Too Young…
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Street Value of Cookies
I should start off by saying that I’m glad that I’m not homeless, because you may get confused later. I pass a lot o
f homeless people in Baltimore on my way to and from work every day. It’s easy to feel sorry for them, especially the ones that are out there day after day. I felt a certain guilt avoiding eye contact on MLK like most chick bartenders do to me every weekend. I even once had to change my CD player off of Man in the Mirror at a stop light because I felt like a hypocrite. But I’ve seen enough episodes of The Wire to know that they’re probably just going to blow it on booze and drugs. So I decided then that if I do give money to the homeless, it will be through a charity (Ed note: total money given to charity so far: $0).
One day, I was on my way back home with a Subway cookie leftover from lunch. I was looking forward to it, but it wasn’t going to break me. There was a beggar wandering down my aisle (Ed note 2: It says something about how many beggars Baltimore has when people call the spaces between cars “aisles”) and I figured this was going to be the day. I’d give him my cookie. And I was going to feel great inside. I had before toyed with the idea of baking this shitty pizza Jen and I hated but had three more of because they were only a buck each, which is probably why they sucked. But that required a lot of foresight and effort. This was easy. And so here he came. I gave him the cookie, still in the bag, completely indiscernible at the time of exchange. And he took it like he was a marathon runner and it was a bottle of water. I didn’t necessarily expect a thank you note or a song of praise, but I think acknowledgement is at least a bare minimum, no matter how down on your luck you may be. And away he went.
I was pissed. Offended, really. I wanted my cookie back from that ungrateful begging fuck. He violated the code. And his sign sucked. And he wasn’t even a regular. Just the right place at the right time to get my awesome cookie. I know they’re not all the same and he shouldn’t be the ambassador of the homeless community to me, but it’s just easier to assume they’re all one organism. Like that group of trees in Utah. And so this one guy with the shitty sign who probably minutes later was trying to sell a chocolate cookie for cocaine, ruined it for everybody. Sorry, skinny lady in the wheelchair. Sorry white dude with the four daughters. I’m baking those pizzas and mailing them to the trees in Utah. I’m more likely to get a thank you note from them. And they probably won’t sell them for coke either.
As I pulled away, I had a thought. I’m probably close to 30 times more in debt than I have possessions. Like if I died and the state sold all my shit and gave that money to Sallie Mae, I’d still need another 29 of all of that crap to split between them and the Bank of America. And that’s a lot of crap. So who the hell do these bums think they are? These people are better off than me. Sure I have a college education, a job and a support unit that would put me up and buy me cocaine so I didn’t have to beg for it. But 30 times? That’s a lot of times the stuff I have. I’m jealous of what these homeless people don’t have. They don’t know how good they don’t have it. I could also probably come up with a much better marketing scheme than those amateurs out there. And it’s their job. If I prepared properly, I’m confident I could make at least more than they do in an average week. Probably more than I do too, if my math is correct. And that’s the money I could give to charity. Our Lady of Saint Sallie, Patron Saint of Unpaid Student Loans.
Still Standing Right Here…
Monday, March 29, 2010
Save Yourself
I took a CPR class last week, which caused me to go instantaneously from not being allowed to intervene in a life or death situation to being legally bound to intervene. All it really means is that I will feel more guilty about my inability to jump start someone’s heart from scratch. But in the interest of CYA, I’ll jump through your little hoops, Red Cross.
We were talking about how there is a lot of intimate contact with a CPR victim and Nick, our resident expert, asked of ways that you might be able to protect yourself from disease…
“Wear a condom.”
- Clifton Brown
It’s possible he misunderstood the question, but just in case, he’s still on the list of people not allowed to administer CPR to me.
Save yourself,
Dustin.
Still Standing Right Here…
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Overtime is the Right Time
Finally, after years of petitioning, picketing and writing letters (Ed note: the most he ever did was 
whine publicly about the subject on his facebook page), the NFL has changed its stance on overtime. The Dustin Fisher “Be the change you want to see in the NFL overtime rule” campaign finally paid off. But I’m not entirely to thank. I believe Gandhi deserves at least a shout-out. Woot to the Zen master!
So the rule used to be 100% complete “sudden death.” Or “golden goal,” if you’re not into all the negative energy surrounding picking on the losing team. The problem with that is that a lot of teams would run the kickoff back to the 40, get two first downs and kick a 40-yard field goal to win the game, without the other team ever touching the ball. This sucked for the team and the fans of the game that don’t believe that field goals should count after the 3rd quarter. Sure, there were arguments made that defense is also a facet of the game and you had 60 minutes to break the tie the first time around and a whole lot of other crap that didn’t make any sense at all. But it was really anti-climactic to see a great game decided without one team even getting to see the ball at all.
So it’s good to see that the Competition Committee decided to get rid of the sudden death aspect of the game. Except during the regular season. Or if you score a touchdown. Well, it’s a start at least, albeit a needlessly complicated one. But it’s good to see the fruits of my efforts did not go in vain. Next up: getting a top put on the goalposts. I’ll let you know when I come up with a catchy slogan title for that. I never honestly thought I’d get this far. Thanks to the Competition Committee, headed by Jeff… wait for it… FISHER. Coincidence? Unlikely.
Still Standing Right Here…
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sick Daze 2
Sick Daze
(continued from before)
I started taking my behind-the-counter medication today. This was to be my savior and I feel like just buying it should make me better, especially since I don’t have a prescription plan apparently. I need to pay more attention to stuff. Anyway, I got a cough suppressant and antibiotics. My understanding is that antibiotics are supposed to kill bacteria. After some rudimentary research of bronchitis on Wikipedia, I discovered that less than 10% of bronchitis cases are caused by bacteria. Which means that they may as well be sugar tablets. Or gold stars. I also found that bronchitis has nothing to do with coughing for 14 days straight. I guess I should probably stop going to see a doctor working out of the back of a Chuck E Cheese. So either my doctor is lying to me or Wikipedia is wrong. Or I misunderstood something. And honestly, it’s pretty even money.
My sister says that I should eat some yogurt after taking the antibiotics. This is because antibiotics kill all bacteria and some bacteria is good bacteria, necessary to digest food. Yogurt apparently slows down the killing of the good bacteria or contains some supplemental good bacteria in it or something that helps with the adverse effects of antibiotics. This made a lot of sense because I didn’t understand it. Read that again because it’s written how I meant it. This is the same approach I use to cars and women. So I did that. And I took the magic beans. It shouldn’t be long before I am completely cured, right? Well, last night was my worst yet as far as uncontrollable coughing fits are concerned. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to breathe the entire night. I think that’s the approach I’m going to implement tonight. Wish me luck.
Still Standing Right Here…
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sick Daze
I finally went to the doctor today. Apparently 10 straight days of coughing up phlegm is my limit before see
king professional advice not found in chicken soup, orange juice or the four different over-the-counter drugs that have thus far only managed to cure my ability to sleep. And strangely, Nyquil was the worst culprit. It apparently has the complete opposite effect on some people, which is weird. I understand it not working, but actually having the adverse effect? Kinda like a food that makes you hungrier when you eat it. Or toilet paper that adds more crap to your ass. (Why would he go there?)
The doctor actually had a med school student with her. She was hot, but not very bright, much like a lamppost I know. Anyway, I got a prescription for cough suppressant and antibiotics and found out that I almost have bronchitis. Here’s some shit I didn’t know until today and I’m 35. Bronchitis is just a fancy way of saying “you’ve been coughing for 14 straight days.” That’s it. No viral or bacterial invasion necessary. Not even a tongue depressor is required to make the diagnosis. Just some idiot saying “Hey. Haven’t you been coughing for like, the last two weeks?” So I have 4 more days to make it official. I feel amazingly confident right now.
I took off work yesterday to try to figure this damn thing out. And I came to an amazing conclusion. It was a great idea. It’s been a heck of a long time since I actually had a sick day that didn’t involve an eerily-worsening sleeping pattern or golf clubs. In fact, I only took one sick day off my entire 7 years at UMBC. And it was two days after I ruptured my Achilles tendon. I even went to work the day after I ruptured it. I’ve since come to realize I’m not that important. Additionally, those sick hours will leave if unattended to, unlike parking tickets and student loans. Vacation hours will pay out at the end of a job, but the sick hours just disappear if I remember correctly. So why the hell save them? Especially when I can justify it with… drum roll… an illness. Gary had saved up enough sick days to give him a summer off for his heart surgery. That’s brilliant. And way too far into the future to plan for. Once again, I’m not that important. I have over 21 days of sick leave right now. Paper cuts may begin to qualify as a debilitating injury.
I spent most of the day not talking. That was my goal. And it was relatively easy to achieve, even though the cats seemed to especially crave the occasional witty banter. I can drink fluids and take medicine and even sometimes golf at work. But I can’t shut up. So I spent most of the day in a makeshift chem lab trying to figure out which combinations of medicine and food seemed to generate more or less phlegm than normal. Unfortunately, my findings have been thus far inconclusive. Hopefully the behind-the-counter meds will be worth the rare trip to the doctor that doesn’t involve a ligament or persistent rash.
Still Standing Right Here…
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Top 15 Quotes of the Moment
First of all, I’d like to thank those of you who have written me back in the last couple weeks. It means a lot that you all are still alive. Seriously, thanks for keeping in touch. Most replies were from people I haven’t spoken to in many years, including a quote from the past from Jeff Menago, my former fake high school twin who had an actual real twin who looked nothing like him. But he’s a Cowboy fan in Eagles territory, so it’s like he’s not even real anyway. I’ll make sure to get that one in when I can. And for the rest of you, thanks again. I’ll write you back when I’m done what I have decided to call “ignoring you.”
“If at the end of a joke, you have to say ‘You had to be there,’ you shouldn’t have told the joke in the first place.” This is a cardinal rule of comedy that will be published in a book on the subject that I will likely never write. It’s basically what you say at the end of a story that isn’t funny now because it required the audience to be present at the time of the joke. A few friends and I came up with it back in high school and it is also known as the “Sean Dallesandro Axiom.” He used that phrase so much, I don’t think he knew what it meant. Anytime he needed to back out of an unfunny comment. Even knock knock jokes. So the fact that I’m about to disclose the Top 15 Quotes of the Moment of the Last 15 Years is pure hypocrisy. Maybe you had to be there for some of these. I was there for all of them and they were damn funny in the approximate order that I randomly put them in. And like Steve Martin said in his book, this is where real humor resides. Not in stand-up comedy with a contrived context and obvious vocal cues to the audience to laugh. I only hope that you didn’t need to be there for all these to be funny or I’m no better than Sean Dallesandro.
Top 15 Quotes of the Moment
Well, I'm gonna stay in Boone for this next quote in hopes that I'll never have to take you guys back here. Chris went up to the ATM worrying that it was going to laugh at his puny little Maryland bank. He came back to the car excited and with money. The following conversation ensued...
Tanis: "So it didn't laugh at your bank?"
Tony: "Of course not. Nobody laughs at Chevy Chase. Did you see Fletch?"
I've always been more of a Steve Guttenburg fan myself.
#14
The office is a fun place to work. Lots of characters around. Geoff and Heidi were having a conversation last week about something which is fairly irrelevant now. But here's how the conversation ended...
Quote Of the Day 10/23/00
Geoff: "You're nuts, Heidi."
Heidi: "No, Geoff. You're nuts. In fact, you're the definition of nuts."
Geoff: "I'll show you the definition of nuts..."
It's a wonder he had to go to sexual harassment training classes.
#13
Anyway, I was telling my dad my theory on why casinos make money when I got back from Reno. In a nut shell, here it is: See, when you're up $200, you could always be up $300, or even $900. You can always go higher into the positive. But if you start out with $400 and you get to a point where you have $0, you are done. There's a sense of closure…
Quote Of the Day 1/19/01
"Oh, I get it. So there's closure... and then shortly thereafter there's foreclosure."
-The Dad
Spoken like an experienced gambler.
#12
Well, when I first met Drew, we gave each other those Indian nicknames I mentioned above. Nick also wanted to be part of our clan. The following day, we were sitting outside waiting for X-Country practice to start and we were trying to think of names. Usually, when a child is born in that culture, they name the children after the first thing they see, like "Running Brook," or "Two Frogs Trying To Mate On A Small Rock In The Middle Of That Running Brook" and stuff like that. So as I said this, we looked up to see what was in front of us. Robyn Gaylon, a real sexy cheerleader just happened to be standing right in front of us bending over with her short-ass skirt on to stretch or whatever. We didn't care why. Nick said to me without turning his head away "Dustin, I have my name." I smiled, and also not looking away, I replied "What's that, Nick?"
Quote Of the Day 9/20/99
"Sprouting Weasel"
-Sprouting Weasel
This is actually remarkably similar to how "Extendo" came about.
#11
You know, rooming with Billy makes quote of the day so much easier. I could probably have a quote of the day and a Billy of the day if I so desired. Well, this came up in a conversation with Mark about why beastiality wasn't natural (don't ask)...
Quote Of the Day 9/23
Mark: "Guy and a dog, can't make a kid."
Billy: "Yeah, but they can make a cat."
And we let Billy experiment with test tubes.
#10
After a long day of playing 4 volleyball matches on Saturday, the team took a trip to the Olive Garden for a nice team bonding dinner. We were all starving and we didn't see food until about 45 minutes after we sat down. This turned out to be a problem. Clint and I were both famished and couldn't think of anything else. He suggested that we start drawing straws to see who we were going to kill and eat like in that movie Alive. That's not exactly what they did in Alive, but that's not the point. Anyway, we started picking out potential people to eat. We couldn't eat Milky because we needed him for the games on Sunday, and Drew was just too skinny for our hunger. He suggested Driz...
Quote Of the Day 11/18/99
Me: "I don't know. Is it really safe to eat Driz?"
Clint: "Sure... I mean, we eat cows."
#9
Anyway, I was recently playing hold em online with my dad and got an ace-four. I told him I didn't want to call because I had an ace with a poor kicker...
Quote of the Day 2/7/05
"That's not a kicker. That's not even a punter."
-The dad.
#8
I went to a club with a few people last Thursday, and outside the door, there existed this guy yelling "If you're over 21, get in this line... If you're under 21, get in this line" as he pointed to 2 different lines. Aaron turned to me and said...
Quote Of the Day 12/21/00
"Well, what if you're 21?"
-A-Rock
Aaron had to leave.
#7
Well, I have a follow-up to the last chicken finger joke, and this one is by the same guy on a completely separate occasion. We were eating at Pizzeria Unos in Maryland on my birthday, and we saw an item in the menu called "chicken thumbs." Well, this set Craig into "joke mode" and there was just no turning him back...
Quote Of the Day 1/7/99
"Chicken thumbs!?! What the hell is that? (turns to waitress) You know, thanks to you guys, there are thumbless chickens running around out there like this (hold hands up with thumbs concealed behind palms) 'OOooh God! NOOooo!! Oh, if it weren't for you, we'd be able to use tools...'"
- Craig Klukus
Animal Rights Activists
He went on, but his attempts to cut his steak without thumbs can only translate so well over e-mail.
#6 
There are two brothers, Kevin and Erick. Erick has a girlfriend who, through some extraordinary stroke of luck, isn't dumb, and likes him (sounds like a contradiction there). Anyway, she bought him a tiny little thingy thing for Christmas. It was wooden, about 6 inches tall, and had a series of little ramps that if you dropped a little tiny silver ball on the top one, it would go down to the next one, and to the next one, and through about five or six of these ramps all the way to the bottom. The thingy thing came with its own little tiny silver balls that were the perfect shape to slide down this wooden piece of... work. It's not a very complex piece of machinery. Well, Kevin, Erick's younger brother, says "Wow, neat!" and proceeds to pick up one ball at a time and drop them on the top ramp and watches in amazement as they all make their way down to the bottom, where Kevin would pick them up from and repeat the process. As he picks up another ball and watches it roll down the simple model, Kevin asks...
Quote Of the Day 2/17
Kevin: "HEY! Is this a perpetual motion thing?"
Maria: "Yeah... If you keep doing it."
Kevin is a psychology major. That might help put things into perspective.
#5
I was trying to explain this 9 card poker game to a few friends of mine to try to get them to play. I think I had a couple of them, but Erick had to go and resist saying that he thought the game sounded made up...
Quote of the Day 2/11/03
"Well, aren't all games made up?"
-J-Me
Apparently not.
#4
Well, as you all possibly know already, I went to the Inner Harbor for New Years Eve with 5 guys and no chicks. Upon retrospect, that's maybe one of the few things about that night I'd change. Anyway, we wound up in the middle of the inner harbor at exactly the stroke of midnight. I think I kissed a girl I didn't and still don't know. If memory serves me correctly, I think she was surprised and not necessarily pleasantly. Ah, she'll get over it. But anyway, from there, we went to Max's, who, unbeknownst to us, was having a private party. We had no idea of this until they didn't charge us for drinks. I don't remember leaving the bar. I remember talking to a girl named Shannon who Mike later said was hot. But what the hell would he know, he doesn't remember leaving the bar either. Apparently we wrestled on the way home and I pinned him and then proceeded to shove his head into the mulch repeatedly. That's the kind of crap you wish you could remember. Oh well. We were reminiscing about the events of the previous night (that which we could recall) at the International House of Hangovers, and Tony sarcastically interjected...
Quote of the Day 1/15/01
Tony: "Dustin, at one point, you were hitting on a lamppost."
Me: "Well, she was hot."
Mike: "Yeah, but not very bright."
But she was probably at least 18.
#3
Well, the coolest part of the night was the dinner that we got. It was very good, and they had lots of glasses and forks that I didn't know what to do with. Anyway, I got some chicken and a salad and cheesecake, and lemon cake, and blah, blah, blah. I started eating and after like my second bite, I peaked at Heather and she was using a different kind of fork to eat her salad. Well, I found out I was using the wrong fork already...
Quote Of the Day 4/30
Me: "Damnit. I'm on my second bite and I already started using the wrong fork."
Hassan: "That's OK. I already ate my cake."
And I think he used the salad fork to do it too.
#2
This quote came from a conversation I had with Evil Lance McFreelander as he was in the process of signing his contract a few weeks ago with Little Boy Hair Girl (I need to start re-nicknaming my friends again). Anyway, he was trying to describe to me the state of being his relationship with Teresa was in...
Quote of the Day 2/14/01
Me: "So are you guys exclusive now?"
Mike: "Well... kinda."
Me: "Well, if she goes out with somebody else, would you get pissed?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Me: "And if you go out with somebody else, would she get pissed?"
Mike: "Gosh, I hope not."
Where do I sign?
#1
I had an internship last year and there was about a span of three weeks when I didn't have a car, and so I needed Proz to wake up and drive me there at 7 in the morning every Tuesday and back again around 5 or something. Well, we were driving back home after a long ass day and we passed a Saab. I started telling him that the ignition to a Saab is down between the driver's side and passenger's side of the seats. I then began to tell him that I knew this because we have a Saab. Well, we don't really have one, but my uncle from Maine, who isn't technically my uncle, went to Spain indefinitely, and... (he cut me off)
Quote Of the Day 2/7&8
"Wait, wait, wait. Is this another Saab story?"
-The slightly smarter half of Dumb and Uglier
I don't think I ever finished my story.
That’s it. 15 years of unscripted humor wrapped up into a ten minute block of congealed awesome. And just in time for me to go watch my bracket implode. Stay tuned next week whenI veer off the Quote Path and bring you the hugely anticipated Top 15 Awesome Moments of the Last 15 Years (anticipated by who, exactly?). And yes, these will be moments in Dustinland, not worldly events like the moon landing, which I’d be willing to bet took place more than 15 years ago anyway. So stop back in to check on that. And feel free to call and remind me this week if you know of any. Right now, I think I can think of 3.
Still Standing Right Here...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Top 15 Quotes about Dustin
One deadline made, one deadline broken. Oh well. Last I checked, this was free for everybody so we’re gonna go ahead and forgo that “every weekend” crap and just say I’m gonna try to get this out once a week.
And before I begin, you need to know something. I apparently wrote A LOT in the last 15 years on this QOTD thing. I guess I knew that, but just not to the extent that it actually was. I have these saved by “season” for the most part – not individual files, and the 99-00 season is 131 pages long single-spaced. And a lot of it is real crap. I can’t believe you guys actually pretended to be that interested in my life. The things I thought were funny. Jeez. But there are still a lot of incredible gems, as you’ll hopefully agree with soon. Anyway, there were too many great quotes to just pick 15, so I split them up into themes. This week’s Top 15 in 15 are the best 15 quotes about yours truly, as I’ve been the subject of some harsh and thusly humorous ridicule over the last 15 years (really, the last 35, but my records only date back to 95). So without further adieu (and without repeating anything you may have read last week), have at it.
Top 15 Quotes about Dustin
#15 
So anyways, I was talking to Dan after I had stayed up all night for no flippin' reason about the trail of ex-girlfriends I had and the things they had in common. I started relating what they had in common to the color of their hair. I told him that all of the blonds I dated did one certain thing after we broke up, and the one redhead I dated turned gay when we broke up (and no, I'm not proud, and I didn't do it completely. She was already bi). To this, Dan replied…
Quote of the Day 11/18/97
"OK, you're not allowed to date anymore redheads if you're gonna waste them like that."
-Dan (the guy who drinks a whole hell of a lot) Gregory
#14
…At any rate, this quote comes from a friend of mine who beat us in soccer last semester. I was walking around in shorts and he is always baffled how I don't get cold. So he asked me if I was cold, and I told him that the temperature is all in your mind. To this, he responded...
Quote of the Day 4/10/96
"Yeah, but I'd hate to have to walk around thinking all day."
-Shawn Something
The best argument yet for me to wear pants.
#13
…I wore my favorite shirt into the dining hall (the button down one that is mostly skittle green, but has about 4 other gaudy pastel colors in it that don't match each other), and ran into quite a few people who haven't seen me in the shirt before. Jason Yankus, a pretty good friend of mine, saw me for the first time in about a week – with my shirt on – and of course a bright pink hat to accompany it, and the first thing he had to say to me wasn't "Hi" or "What's going on" or anything like that. He just walked straight up to me and said...
Quote of the Day 11/4/97
"WOW! Don't walk under a black light. You'll hurt somebody."
-Yankus
That still doesn't equal the damage Andrew's face can do under a normal light. (Bring it on, Proz!)
#12
Alright, I'm late. I gotta go. No time for wit. If you all know me, and you all do, you know I wear a pink hat most if not all of the time. Well, I was wearing this hat one day that isn't quite neon pink, but more purplish than most people are used to. My friend asked me what was wrong with the hat. It wasn't bright pink like the rest of them. I told him I was sort of depressed that day and wasn't in a neon pink hat mood...
Quote of the Day 4/15/96
"Well, that's not too bad if the most depressed you get is lavender."
-Crossover Manser (friend from home)
#11
My sister and her boyfriend were rolling through town in their RV a few months back at the same time I was having my old man D league softball game, so I asked her to stop by and the following conversation ensues between the two of them...
Quote of the Day 3/3/04
Char: "We're going to Dustin's softball game."
J-Me: "Don't you mean baseball?"
Char: "No, I mean softball. He's old."
And I'm not even good.
#10
Well, today was another Pimp Daddy Day. It was even Pimp Daddier than it was yesterday. Kate and I were sitting on the little ledge outside and talking about how I don't have any balls or guts or anything. Then I looked up and saw a cute girl in the parking lot. I asked Kate how much money she'd give me if I just brazenly walked up and kissed her...
Quote of the Day 3/15/96
"I won't give you any money. I might even give her a few dollars."
-Kate
#9
I know I'm late and I promise this won't become a habit, but I was asleep until ten today. Tonight. Anyway, this quote comes to us all the way from PA, from my friend and unpaid psychologist, Brian Reagan. Every time I go home and seek advice about my life, I always consult him. And he's usually right. A lot of you have heard this quote before, and I'm sure you'll all appreciate it. This is just a little piece of advice he gave me before I left for school:
Quote of the Day 3/10/95
"You worry too much. Life's not that important... Especially yours."
-Brian Reagan
So I'm now addicted to this new board game called Settlers. It's overwhelming characteristic is that you can't explain it to anyone else. It's a board game somewhere between Risk and Civilization, and I'm going to leave it at that for now. I play this game with John and other people my age a lot, but now that I bought it myself I've introduced it to my college friends and I found myself on a Monday night/Tuesday morning playing it in the lounge of a dorm until the sun came up. That was a serious déjà vu. Probably because I had just done it the previous Saturday night too. But it was also a reality check for me. I was hanging in the lounge with two 19-20 year old sophomores when this came out. I know this comment was made with the intent to demean himself, but he did a pretty good job of deflating my self-worth in the process...
Quote of the Day 3/11/02
"I need to get a life. It's a Saturday night and I'm in the lounge playing a board game with my RA and a 27-year old man."
-Colin Fergus, adolescent child
Well, at least he called me a man.
#7
So I started hanging out with John and Scott and Giese again because I was starting to feel old always hanging out with th
e college crowd. That didn't help. At least now I feel like WE'RE old, as opposed to just me being old. Anyway, we've been getting together to play these games like Magic and Elvenland and the Bean game recently. We try to do this once a week and in the process I have realized that all these people still hung out with each other even after I stopped hanging out with them. I don't know why I expected the entire crowd to lose touch just because I did. Maybe that's a testament to how self-centered I am. But enough about me - We got together and I started asking about all these people and realized that I was so far out of the loop with my old 3rd South crowd. To this, Scott very appropriately responded...
Quote of the Day 3/3/02
"Well, that's because you're the only one who stayed in the loop."
-Scotty Too Hotty
#6
I was over at John's apartment and we were studying for our mid-term (complaining about how we're losers going nowhere), and I saw all of his D&D books, and I mistakenly thought I could insult John and get away with it. Well, here's the consequence...
Quote of the Day 10/11/96
Me: "How sad. You spend your life living in a false reality."
John: "You spend your life kicking a ball."
Touché!
#5
Anyway, for those of you who don't know, I am now a certified drunk. This past Friday marks my third time ever. And I was weird. I didn't have a hangover. I think I actually woke up still drunk. Apparently, that isn't as uncommon as I thought it was at first. I was sober enough to still whoop some Good Joe ass at tennis though, let me tell you! But I think Joe put it best the following day when he wrote me back. He's been my friend for about 6 or 7 years now, and has hung out with me more than anyone on this list, but has never seen me drunk until that night...
Quote of the Day 9/21/98
"It was really weird to see you like that... drunk, on top of being Dustin already."
-Good Joe
In other words, I'm drunker sober than a normal drunk is... Whatever.
#4
On the plus side, while I was out in Oregon, I got a dose of self-realization. Not necessarily in the spiritual sense, but my friend's wife pretty much put me in my place in the most exact way I think I've ever been described, word for word. I was trying to defend the point that I was relatively laid back when I'm not with Kevin, Joe and/or Mike. Kevin didn't buy it. Tanis hasn't known me since middle school, so she was more apt to believe...
Quote of the Day 6/10/02
"Well, I guess you have the potential to not be this spastic all the time."
-Tanis, holder of the whip
I have the "POTENTIAL"... not to be THIS spastic... ALL the time.
#3
This quote came a while back from the day that I went to my RA interview. As you know, every time I have to do something formal, I run around the night before borrowing clothes that are respectable enough to wear from anybody willing to lend them to me. And from all of these, I can generally make a decent looking outfit. Anyway, I stopped by Sedge's room seeking a little fashion advice, and he started telling me to match shirt to tie, and tie to belt, and belt to shoes...
Quote of the Day 3/7/96
"These are just strict rules of fashion, and you follow the rules of fashion like most people follow the speed limit."
-Dr. Sedge
#2
I'm pretty sure I got ripped off by the gas station in Philly for the gas can. It's kinda like a tow truck. They can overcharge, because they know you need the service. I have an idea for a way to make my millions. But anyway, I was pissed about it...
Quote of the Day 1/18/05
Me: "What kind of a place charges $9.00 for a gas can?"
Leigh: "What kind of a 30-yr-old man runs out of gas?"
OK, Rendé. You win this round.
The following quote was actually taken directly from John's wedding program and the reason I am using it is because it describes my relationship not only with him but also the other 249 people on this list. Anyway, so John had a few sentences about everybody in his wedding and here is an excerpt from mine...
Quote of the Day 3/16/04
"...Dustin orbits in and out of my life at regular, comet-like intervals..."
-John and Rachel's Wedding Program
If that doesn't describe my relationship with you here, then it probably will once you graduate from UMBC.
So there you have it. Only one repeater on the list and go figure it would be the sharp tongue of the former roomie. Nothing from Mike, Kevin or Tony though, surprisingly. But don’t worry, there are still plenty more weeks of this to come. And they’ll likely pop up as early as next week in the Top 15 Improvisational Quotes of the Last 15 Years.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Quote of the Day 15-Year Anniversary
Quote of the Day 15-Year Anniversary!!!
I know what you’re thinking. And you’re probably right. But I did it anyway.
Fifteen years ago today, somewhere near the intersection of Arrogance and Insecurity, this “quote of the day” as it is still misleadingly called, was birthed into existence. And like most 15 year-olds, it has gone through a lot of changes, most of them painful. For those who were there in the beginning, I apologize. For those around during the golden years, thank you for your patience. And for those around now, let me explain.
But before I explain, I owe you all an explanation. See this all really started out as an internet experiment. My college roommate said something funny on the way to dinner and e-mail was brand new, so I thought I’d send out what he said to the 23 people I had e-mail addresses for. Fifteen years later, it’s now live on a website with pictures and video and color. And I probably have fewer readers.
Now I know a few of you probably smelled this coming, but only because I told you I was going to fart. Most of you probably had no idea I even remembered this day or celebrated it or even had a website now. You’re all too busy ignoring my stand-up career to ignore the quote of the day (heretofore known as QOTD). Well, I will be ignored no longer. And for those that haven’t figured this out now, I avoid the word “blog” like it’s my credit report. I will sooner refer to the QOTD as a daily website humor column, which is probably less true, as it is definitely not daily and occasionally contains no humor. But everybody has a blog and my shit predates the blog. So play along if you don’t mind and call it whatever you want to behind my back.
Fifteen years, people. That’s how much time has gone by since I started this thing. Just think about how much has happened in that time. Lots of you have graduated high school, gotten married, had kids, got divorced, graduated college, went to jail, got remarried, lost loved ones, had grandkids, got out of jail, moved to the west coast, injured yourself, moved from the west coast, injured someone else, gotten new jobs, gotten fired, quit smoking, started smoking, went off to war, had your house sprayed for bed bugs, graduated middle school, learned origami, ate sushi, graduated grade school, sang karaoke, made a snowman (Ed note: I think he’s stuck), fell down the stairs, complained to HR about your boss, stuck a body part out of a roller coaster against your better judgment and the ride operator’s wishes, etc. I know fifteen years ago, I wasn’t nearly the man I am now. I was hopelessly single and working in the Rec Sports department of a small college in Baltimore with over $15,000 in student loans to pay back. And look at me now! Now I have almost twice that much to still pay back. At least I know origami.
But really. Does anybody remember what they were doing fifteen years ago today? I do. I was walking with John and a few other friends from Susquehanna dorm to the back entrance of the UMBC dining hall, making fun of this new musical artist that Marky Mark liked. Here’s what my 23 friends had in their e-mail inbox that evening:
Subject: quote of the day 3/3
>From! now on, I'm going to try to have a quote of the day. If it gets annoying, tell me.
-Dustin.
March 3, 1995
"If I ever understand Beck, I'll kill myself."
-John Sears (Tonto Sleepyhead)
That was it. No bitching about cars, no pandering to chicks to play on my volleyball team and no pleading to come watch my stand-up routine. That came later (and often). That was just the wisecrack that started the landslide of both insightful, poignant social commentary and poorly thought-out, completely unjustified verbal discharge that has graced approximately a thousand of you people throughout the last 15 years. And it’s somehow managed to outlast a lot of things, the least of which is Beck’s career. Granted, it isn’t nearly as explosive as it used to be, when I put up 122 quotes in its first year of existence. Since then, the QOTD has taken a backseat to a few trivial things, such as facebook scrabble, Lost discussion groups and working so I can afford food so I can live. But it is still alive and kicking and in the past few months, has been as active as ever. It’s about time to let you all know about it so Tom can have some company when reading the damn thing. Back in the QOTD heyday, I would give out a yearly MVP award to the person with the most quotes over the course of a season. First of all, I am using a very loose definition of the word “award,” probably more closely associated with kudos and attaboys than any actual prize. Secondly, all the info I used for this season’s award is based on the 05-06 and 06-07 seasons for reasons that would bore the hell out of those of you still reading, so I’m not going to bother explaining. All that said, I now present to you the MVP of the 05-06 and 06-07 seasons, possibly the last seasons under the original scoring method. And as so much time has passed, it may be a little tougher to guess who it would be. Certainly Tony and Mike are top contenders every year, though Mike may have bought himself a few extra considerations with his move out to the Midwest a mere two months after mine. Was there enough left from Perpendicular Keith or Mr. Geoff to last before I left in August 2005? Or would it be someone from the new school? Maybe Seth or Wach-Man from the Rec Center? Or Bill from our countless drunken Miami University nights? Or could my dad contend with his quips about his lung cancer that kept the doctors laughing up until the last few days he was with us? The results have been tallied and in a squeaker, we have a repeat champion. I guess it pays to follow me to the middle of nowhere. Mike “Just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening” Conover was in first with an uncontested 5, with a surprising Good Joe “You don’t have to like them, you just have to accept them as a gift” Titlow right behind him with 4. There was a log jam at third, with 5 people each having 3 QOTDs apiece. Congrats to Erick (who you’ll hear from later), my very own sister, Mr. Geoff, Tony (of course) and finally, the man who started all this 36 years ago – my father. No real surprises in there if you think about it. But if you don’t think about it, MAN you would have been floored. Good work, Mike. But now that I moved back east, a mere 5 miles from Tony, you may want to think about renting a U-Haul and getting your ass out here if you want to be a real contender. I also want to take this time to pay tribute to not just one of the great contributors to the QOTD, but also a great man, my father. I know a lot of you were there with me when he passed back in 2005 and I haven’t thanked all of you enough who drove up from Maryland or flew in from Boston or just across the street to his standing-room only memorial service. It was a great tribute. And while the rest of the family had gotten pictures together, I got a board of all the quotes he had contributed in the past 10 years. And it was great to see everyone come up to the board and laugh. It truly kept his spirit alive and without this QOTD that I started 15 years ago, I likely would have remembered exactly none of them. So thank you, QOTD, for the memory and of course my dad, Glen “That’s what I meant. What are you, deaf?” Fisher for the memories. The Indians believe that as long as a man is still talked about that his spirit will never die. So as long as I keep up this QOTD, his spirit never will. And with the internet the way it is now, that’s likely to be eternal. And now onto the part you’ve all been waiting for, whether you knew it or not. The QOTD of the year! Really two years – and about three years ago, but the QOTD of the year nonetheless. But it would be sacrilegious not to check out the lineage of the past winners first. Usually the quote comes from everyday life on the gridiron, the poker tables, the dodge ball battlefield or from the Van of Stench somewhere in Kansas. One of the things I like about the QOTD however, is that it can come from anywhere. I have quoted 4 of my old professors and 9 of my own family members in addition to 3 friend's mothers and a friend's father. Point is, you should always be on your game. But one of the standard favorites that I have been jackhammering into the muck for the last 14 years came from back in April of 1995, only a month after I started this train. It was debuted as the quote of the month/ year/ decade back then and I still think it's one of the best I've laid my ears on... The following year was a tough one because nothing really jumped out at me like the other one. But it was John. And he was making fun of me. Not just that, but he was doing it within the context of the quote of the day, which makes it exponentially better... Quote Of the Year 1996-97 So this past weekend, we were all hanging out in John's room (the 5 of us who stayed this weekend), and John was reading a quote of the day, when he turned around and said to me... Quote Of the Day 4/8 "How can you still be standing right there? You've been standing there for like two years. Take a walk! Sit down! Go out!..." -My roommate that's not really my roommate The 1997-98 quote of the year actually got the honor by being the only one nominated. I never had a quote nominated for quote of the year before, so I figured this was going to be an easy decision. Steve "Baritone" Zebrowski liked this quote so much, he e-mailed me for about the first time in over a year and asked if I was accepting votes for quote of the year, if there was such a thing. Well, Steve, thanks to you, there is such a thing now. And what a beast it's turned into. Anyway, here it is... Well, my family and I went to New York City this break to see The Capeman, Paul Simon's musical. The city was really cool, and the musical was good too. My dad started talking about how I needed to get a job and an apartment up here so he could live here for a year and visit all the libraries to get a lot of information. He's a big information junkie. Anyway, these are his thoughts on if he got to live in New York for a year... Quote of the Day 2/4 "I would be filled with so much information, it would be a sin to let me die." -My father, the hero... 1998-99's quote of the year honor struck a chord relatively close to home for me. Mostly because it was back home where the quote came from and it was about the trip Mike and I were about to take across the country. My panel of judges (Tony, with Misti in the back seat agreeing to whatever he said) carefully weighed all of the nominees and came up with this... Well, this brings us to our quote. Mike has a pretty crappy car too, and we were talking about whether or not we could drive to Las Vegas. Anyway, he told me that he'd have to find out if it was downhill first. "Most people look at road maps before they take a trip. I look at elevation charts." -Mike Congrats again, Mike. I'd give you a tote bag, but you already have a bag full of bags, just nothing to carry them in. For the 1999-2000 season, I actually started to use a panel of judges. I took the funniest 13 quotes I could find and sent them to a randomly selected (I fixed it) group of panelists to vote on which they thought were the funniest quotes in the last year. So of course it would figure that three people on the panel would have a hand in that year's quote of the year. Well, this quote is kinda like my three best unmarried friends in tandem. But in this case, tandem doesn't mean they all jump out of a plane attached to one another. The reason this quote is so great is because it involves all three of them directly or indirectly, and it's about my massive tool: I don't know if you know the principals behind AOL Instant Messenger, but if you type a message to me, the entire sentence pops up on my screen when you hit enter, and vice versa. So many times, when both parties are typing at the same time, the messages will pop up one right after the other, before the parties have a chance to read what the other had written first. Well, you get the point. I hope. Here's what happened in a conversation between Good Joe (using Mike's account) and Tony the day it snowed a lot and Joe was supposed to come down to MD for the night: So there you have it. The quote of 1999-2000 was about my huge penis. And I didn't even have to fix the ballots. It was funny enough to everyone as it was. Hey, wait a minute... I continued using a panel of hand selected judges and using a third eye blind experimentation process, we came up with Tony's second quote of the year in a row... ...Anyway, I went and got a ping pong table and two paddles and a few balls at Dick's Sporting Goods the week before vacation and it wasn't long before Russ threatened to break one by slamming it on the table... So there it is. The Quote of the Year went to Tony for the second year in a row. And also for the second year in a row, he was talking about the male organ. Obsessive maybe? Anyway, congratulations again Tony. That's four successive calendar years that you've had the title. Now let somebody else play. The 02-03 season (I'm replacing the word "year" with "season" from now on because of the fact that... well, because I'm a year late and all) had many fewer quotes, but just as many quality ones, thanks to the invention of paper, pens and pockets. And this is one where every time I read it, my body has a weird chemical reaction somewhere between laughter, embarrassment, and an uncomfortable urge to run 5 miles. OK, I run this program on campus in which I try to marry Rec Sports and Res Life in our intramurals. I award points for participation in every sport. I knew this one team was from Patapsco, but I didn't know which hall (3rd South, etc.). So I called the front desk and after I fell over my words about 3 or 4 times, asked the girl (I think her name was Meghan) on the phone if she could tell me where this guy lived, but I didn't really need to know his address, I just needed to know what hall he lived on. Silence. So then I started explaining what I was doing with the whole Rec Sports/Res Life thing and in the middle of what was already the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had... Quote Of the Day 2/13/03 You can feel the uncomfortable awkwardness from miles away. It's been over seven years now and I'm still trying to think of something to say back to her. And that was enough to make it the 02-03 season’s quote of the year. I guess the more painful they are, the more funny they are. Like Jerry Lewis Pratt falls, but much more heterosexual. So anyway, the quote of the year goes to my ex-girlfriend Megan in the last words she's ever spoken to me. It's good to see that though our relationship couldn't stand the test of time, the humor and the bitterness has. Last season’s quote of the year isn’t nearly as painful for me to read, which likely means it isn’t nearly as funny. I’ll have to go out and create more awkward situations just to be able to write more about them. But anyway, this quote is worthy of the quote of the year for its sheer improvisational prowess. Quote of the Year 2004-2005 So there ya go. You’re all caught up. Except of course for the quote of the year so awesome, it’s actually been 5 years in the making. And honestly, more than that. See, this past season, I put it to a panel of 11 people, half QOTD historians and half people who don’t know anything about the QOTD or any of these people, to make it more genuine. And to find out who is really funny and who I’ve been giving too much credit these past 15 years. And the top two vote-getters did not disappoint. But there is another that I feel the need to make a note of. In my PDA. Honorable Mention Quote of the Year 2005-2007 …Actually, I don't have a PDA. In fact, I was running the beach volleyball tournament last year and as a joke, I got a pencil and went to record the score of a game on my yellow lined legal notebook and said out loud to myself, “Well, let me just record this in my P.D.A...” Quote of the Day 3/16/05 “Don't you mean your P.A.D.?” -Justin Costa Didn't see that one coming. Nice work, bro. Speaking of not seeing something coming, this guy is probably one of the most underrated Quote Masters of his time for just that reason. Looking back, this quip was probably easy enough to think of, but he did it on the spot as if it were written for him with cameras pointed at him from off stage. In fact, all 5 of us were sitting around the same side of the table. It’s starting to make sense now. Runner-up Quote of the Year 2005-2007 …Speaking of tattooed chicks (how you like that, Actual Sis?), I got into the conversation with a few friends about a month ago talking about girls that have a tattoo on the small of their spine. Sure, we all heard Vince Vaughn say that it might as well be a bulls eye in Wedding Crashers (which will actually segue into my next message), but I just found out that they are also called “tramp stamps.” It’s not a flattering name, but I don’t think it was intended to be. And so, I made a joke to the effect of “well, no wonder all my exes have them” which is barely funny and also a complete lie. But it begat this, which was worth the self degradation… Quote of the Day 10/2/06 “I didn’t think you were allowed to get tattoos until you were 18.” -E Hersh Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “pot?” I remember when I made that comment thinking to myself “why did I say that? It’s not true OR funny.” Then that happened and it made all of my flailing around for attention seem worthwhile. And now onto the big show, the one you’ve REALLY all been waiting for, like I said about 5 single-spaced pages at 12-point Times New Roman font ago. Quote of the Year 2005-2007 Setting: Bridgeport, PA – August 1998ish. So my pops was walking the mile home from the video store after working all day and passed a Dominoes Pizza store. He figures that he’s hungry, why not stop in and order a pizza and take it back home. He tries to open the door. It’s locked. The entire front of the place is all glass and he can see people inside throwing dough up in the air. So he bangs on the door. Somebody in there looks over his shoulder and pointed to a sign. The sign said “no walk-in customers after 9pm.” I suppose they were intimidated by his bolo tie and plaid flannel shirt. So he yells inside “I just want to order a pizza!” They shrug their shoulders and go back to flipping dough. About a minute later, they get a phone call. “Dominoes Pizza, how may I help you?” Quote of the Day 8/22/06 “Well, what’s your fucking address? Order it to yourself, just outside.” -The Dad. He did not get a pizza that night. I swear I did not fix this, nor did I even have a vote. Mike had already been let out of the tub before he voted, I swear. But it is very fitting that this is the quote of the year, as it’s become a significant part of my stand-up routine since I started doing that in December 2007. The story doesn’t always get the biggest laughs of the night, but that line definitely hits the hardest every time I tell it, no matter what the venue. So thanks, dad, one more time. And congratulations. You retired a champion. Like the John Elway of quotes. I’m assuming you don’t need any more tote bags. I don’t think anybody ever really used them. Also, I should say that I’ve taken a lot of the 10-year anniversary edition and I’ve cut and pasted a lot from there. And what I’ve decided is that I’m jealous of the person I was 5 years ago. That dude was damn clever. I really recommend reading that one and I hope to become him once again. The reason I keep coming back to this Quote of the Day is because it means so much to me. See, I don’t keep a diary, because I’m not gay, so this is all I got. And you can pretty much patch together the last 15 years of my life through these QOTDs. I lived in 5 different rooms in two dorms and an apartment complex. Then I moved out and kept goin. Four places around the greater Baltimore area, a tragic panic-attack triggered 3-year layover in Ohio and another two places back in MD to land in the apartment I’m in right now, living with a real live actual girlfriend who really likes me and everything. Which is probably why I hadn’t written anything in the first year I’d been back. Since I started the QOTD, I've had 30 roommates, 7 cars and (get this) over 20 jobs. I lost count. And I'm not even counting the ones where I just showed up for a day to drive 50 Safe Kids vans from a fire department in Bowie to the Washington Monument in the middle of the night with Stryker. I mean actual jobs over sustained periods of time. I truly thought that when I first sent out that first quote that it might last the last three months of the semester and that's all. I had no intention of spanning the globe from California to Thailand, and from Alabama to Australia. And I definitely didn't figure I’d ever reach close to a thousand people over the last decade. And guess what, folks? It’s time the QOTD found its way back to where it used to be. A seldom read e-mail article that makes me feel like I’m doing something with my life. Prepare yourselves. So I started working at the University of Baltimore about a year and a half ago now. I’m a pretty recognizable figure on campus, but still nowhere near the popularity that I had back at UMBC in the days of the “Dustin RecSports” voicemails. I would seriously meet people out at a bar and tell them I was Dustin and inevitably they would get a glow of excitable recognition on their face and say “You mean Dustin from RecSports?” And I’d say yes and they’d buy me a drink and proceed to tell me how awesome it was that they got to hang out with somebody so cool and funny and attractive before they went home with the SAE guy with the Free Mustache Ride t-shirt on. And those were just the guys. Anyway, I joined this Biggest Loser program a colleague is putting on at UB to lose some of the 10 pounds I’ve put on since I moved in with Jen. I’m on a team of 10. Not just one, but two of the girls in my group went to UMBC around 2000-2004, in the height of my popularity there. Shortly after I passed this medicine ball back and forth with this girl in the group, she told me that she was from UMBC and knew of my voice mails, even though she never went to the Rec Center… Quote of the Day 3/3/10 “I can’t wait to tell my boyfriend I’m working out with Dustin from Rec Sports.” -Stephanie Something Even though I’m off the market and haven’t worked there in 5 years, the conversation still ends the same. With me being awesome and her telling her boyfriend about me. Burn. Doing what I can for the people I love, Dustin. All said and finished
Quote Of the Year 1995-96
The Set-Up...
"Love is like hearts. You want to follow suit, but you don't want to have the lead."
-Me
The Quote...
"If love is like hearts, than sex is like spades. If you don't have a good partner, you damn well better have a good hand."
-Weed
Quote Of the Year 1997-98
...sandwich.
(ED note: This is obviously a bittersweet one for me, but one that’s nevertheless true and certainly still funny. Love you, dad)
Quote Of the Year 1998-99
Quote of the Day 6/9/98
Quote Of the Year 1999-2000
Quote Of the Day 1/21/00
WhiteTony: Smart move by not coming down here today.
GoodJoe4U: Thanks.
GoodJoe4U: I think Dustin has a small penis.
WhiteTony: They changed the forecast to as much as 14-20 inches.
GoodJoe4U: Laughing...too hard...can't...type...
Quote Of the Year 2000-2001
Quote Of the Day 1/3/01
Me: "If we break one of these we'll have to go back to Dicks."
Tony: (walking past the table) "I'm NOT using my dick!"
I'll bet you're laughing out loud.
Quote of the Year 2002-2003
Me: "OK, wait. Let me explain myself. My name is Dustin and I work for the Rec Sports office -"
Girl: (cutting me off) "I know. I dated you for 7 months."
Oh. THAT Megan.
Quote Of the Day 4/17/04
Keith: "I find it hard to breath indoors."
Jason: "I find it hard to breath in water."
I know what you're thinking. Jason is weird.
“Yeah, I’d like a small plain pizza.”
“Your name?”
“Glen.”
“And where would you like that delivered?”
“Right here.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hold on.”
My dad walks over to the window and leans over to wave inside and yells “Hi!”
“Yeah, I’d like my pizza delivered right here.”
“But we can’t do that.”
“Why not?! I’m here. I have money.”
“But we need an address.”
I got miles left ahead
Should we be laughing
Or fighting instead
Never sure when
To say all those little things
Unsure in front of me
Of what the next one brings
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
But I've gotten nowhere
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here
All huddled up
With a couple close friends
Then you step outside, come back
And there'll be one less of them
Their foes will line en up
And their guns will shoot en down
And they'll all keep on leavin
Until you're the only one left around
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied an! d I've lied...
Still standing right here
I thought I was important
Used to walk with my head tall
Yeah, I thought that I was different
Coulda sworn I knew it all
I had friends I could rely on
They were there at every call
But they always seem to leave me
With my back against the wall
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here
I know many people
Have stood where I stand
Benn searchin for years now
For just one honest man
People tell me I can trust them
And then they'll play their little games
And then I tell them I'll be faithful
But sometimes I act the same
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
And I've gotten nowhere
But I've tried and I've tried and I've lied and I've lied...
Still standing right here
-lyrics by Drew Holloway and Dustin Fisher