Don’t Give me No Lines…

Don’t Give me No Lines…

Yes Sis Fish (my actual sister), there was a time in which the quote rant was a lead-in to the quote quote. And no, the giggle blink girl had nothing to do with the guy who hurt his ankle. I could make something up and I think I will from now on just to create a segue of continuity, but you are correct. I have too much to tell all of you and I don’t want to be handcuffed to whatever I deem funny enough to be the quote of the day. I actually don’t want to be handcuffed to anything other than Jessica Simpson’s nightstand. And even then, I don’t know that I’d enjoy it. She’d probably only be doing it to restrain me. Probably because I’d have broken in there. (I just reread this joke and don’t like it, but also don’t want to go back and type anything else).

Speaking of Jessica Simpson, I actually broke my promise of never going back to Brick Street . A buddy came back into town and he wanted to go uptown. By 12:30, Steinkellers was down to their last staff member, Skippers and 45 East were closed and Balcony was on fire again (that’s a lie). So anyway, we wound up at Brick Street. But it was different this time. It was apparently karaoke night. And there was this hot chick up there doing a heck of a Dusty Springfield. Turns out I actually knew who she was. I talked to her and found out that there was a $100 prize that night. So I figured what the hell. I’ve make an ass out of myself many times before for free, why not do it to the tune of a possible C-note (that’s what us gangstas call a hundred bucks). And so I got up there and screamed a shitty ass version of Keep Your Hands to Yourself and during the instrumental part, I did the jump split thing made popular in Ferg’s and Milkman’s apartment back in college. Picture Footloose at Aaron’s wedding without Big Mike throwing me all over creation. So at the end of the night, it turns out I caught one of the judge’s eyes (the guy, go figure) and actually won the main prize. Sadly enough, that is more than I made the entire day of work when I calculated it out. And thus, I have decided to give up my dream to be the best wiffleball tournament commissioner ever and tour the country going to bars doing good enough renditions of Georgia Satellites greatest hits. At least until my groin gives out mid-split. But for the moment, I am the King of Karaoke Night at Brick Street . Which happens to be the bar that most closely represents my personal seventh circle of Dante’s hell. To be surrounded by hot young tattooed foxes and me without my snappy snare.

Speaking of tattooed chicks (how you like that, Actual Sis?), I got into the conversation with a few friends about a month ago talking about girls that have a tattoo on the small of their spine. Sure, we all heard Vince Vaughn say that it might as well be a bulls eye in Wedding Crashers (which will actually segue into my next message), but I just found out that they are also called “tramp stamps.” It’s not a flattering name, but I don’t think it was intended to be. And so, I made a joke to the effect of “well, no wonder all my exes have them” which is barely funny and also a complete lie. But it begat this, which was worth the self degradation…

Quote of the Day 2/27/07

“I didn’t think you were allowed to get tattoos until you were 18.”

-E Hersh

That is what we in the business call a “cherry.” It completes the joke sequence. Nothing can possibly go on top of the sundae after you put the cherry on it. And if any of our group of friends ruined that joke by trying to piggyback on it or “rejoke,” we are required to squirt them with hot fudge and kick them in the chopped nuts.

Rating Countries That Border The United States

Countries That Border The United States

Mexico - The most common thing that people have to say about Mexico is that you shouldn't drink the water. Every time you go on vacation. "Don't drink the water." Don't drink the fucking water?! Are you serious? Can the Mexicans drink the water? I don't think I could live in a place where I couldn't drink the water. It's a pretty important ingredient in every food I make. I think I might be able to survive in a country where it wasn't a good idea to eat the marachino cherries, but water? So unless you enjoy dissentary, I guess it's not a great place to be. No wonder they're all trying to flee across the border. D

Canada - I'm not even going to make a joke about Canada. They've all been done. I just checked, and every single Canadian joke has been done at least 250 times. So rather than flog a dead maple leaf, I'll move on. C

New Jersey - I know it's not a country, but I'd like to say something. I've been to New Jersey and it stinks. Literally. At least the half of New Jersey that wants to be Philly does. I haven't heard great things about the half that wants to be New York either. But Trenton stinks. There's a reason they call it the arm pit of America and it has nothing to do with geography. I wouldn't drink the water from there either. F

Atlantic Ocean - Well, I know it's not a country. It's not even a land mass. But it is huge. And it does border the US. And did you know that it has the largest mountain range in the world in it? The largest mountain range is actually under the water in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean called the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. It comes complete with active volcanoes and everything and it's all under sea level. Pretty neat, huh? But not quite neat enough to make you forget that it's not really a country. F

Rating Street Signs

Street Signs

Form Single Lane – I hate this sign. The city planning committee that decided this sign was a good idea has way too much faith in us as a society. We need to be able to assess blame. Tell us which of these lanes end. Don’t leave it up to us to decide who is supposed to yield to whom. Have you seen us drive? About a third of the time, two cars will come within millimeters of each other and the guard rails on either side just to not give way. Another third of the time, two cars will come to a complete stop and have a battle of waves and gestures to see who gets to go last while everyone behind them will honk and start to pull out their guns. And the other third of the time, we’ll actually get out alive. But I don’t like those odds. A simple “left lane ends” will suffice. There’s no time for democracy in driving. D

Stop – The stop sign is money, dudes. It’s so money it doesn’t even need to say stop. You just put a red octagon in front of somebody and they will stop. No matter what nationality, gender, or phylum. Even blind people can sense stop signs. It is probably the most distinguishable monochromatic shape in the world. I suppose a yellow circle might give it a run, but how many suns do you see a day? One. Max. If they weren’t so damn overused, these guys would be perfect. A-

Except Right Turn – These go underneath stop signs when you’re allowed to turn right without stopping but you have to stop if you’re going any other direction. I’ve seen these things phrased like 12 different ways and they are all pretty damn confusing. I’ve seen underneath a stop sign “right turn permitted without stopping.” By the time you’ve read it, you’ve already stopped because of the big red octagon above it. I like the concept of this sign, but everybody needs to get on the same freakin page here! And I forget what it said, but there was a white sign under a stop sign that I just assumed said something to the affect of “go ahead and turn right if you want without heeding warning to the above red octagon.” But it didn’t. It said something else completely unrelated to the damn stop sign. Stupid city planners. It probably said “form single lane.” Have a meeting and figure this out please! Maybe make it purple too so people know what it is. C+

Yield – This sign is great. Especially in the case where it is on an actual intersection, usually a T intersection. It doesn’t annoy you by making you stop when you know nobody is around for thousands of miles and it puts somebody at fault should somebody actually be around within a thousand miles. This sign does what the stop sign can’t. And it points downward as if to imply movement forward should continue. Brilliant! A

Red Light Cameras: Next 4 Miles – Thank you. Could you please tell us where the cops are currently hidden too? A+

A bunch of friends and I occasionally play this game called something like “Freestyle Scategories” where we replace the categories like “dessert foods” and “boy’s name” with categories like “bad pick-up lines” and “dumb animals with an explanation why” and you get like 12 minutes to come up with stuff for these 10 categories. When all the answers are read, we vote and the funniest one gets a point. Anyway, we were playing the game and the category was “Unhelpful Street Signs”…

Quote of the Day 2/7/06

“Right Lane Continues”
-Cowboy Kevin

Strangely enough, I asked only two people what their least favorite street sign was tonight and Sarah and Bethany both independently said they hate the yield sign. This further supports the point that females should not be allowed to get behind the wheel of a car. (Zing!)

Looking for a nice speed hump,

Dustin.