My 30 1/6 Birthday Celebration

My 30 1/6 Birthday Celebration

It's kinda the nature of my job that dictates certain principles of my social life. For example, I seem to cycle through friends every 4 years. Originally when I thought this, I was kidding. But look at it. John, Rachel and the two Mikes, etc. were class of 97. Evil Joe, Steve and Russ, etc. were class of 01 (or supposed to be). Now Tom, Keith and the Ustins are class of 05 (close enough). Then there's Tony and the Wadfather who kinda span the first two groups and of course a few others like Tim, Brian, and Ante M who I can't really classify because Brian Moore goes to school like SuperDave and Dan used to. "Did he ever graduate? Oh no wait. There he is in the Commons. Guess not."

But for one day, they all came together. To celebrate my 30th birthday. Oh sure, my actual birthday was almost two months ago and really, only the first two groups of friends came out because the newer ones can't get into bars yet, but a great time was had by all. And those of you who didn't make it should be ashamed. You missed me fellatiating an Asian waitress on my knees in public (yes, you read that correctly; yes, I typed that correctly; and yes, I made up the word fellatiating) who probably won't even call me back. But it was a good $10 for Wad and Sev. It's even on video if you missed it. But only like on Chris' little iPod looking thing. Don't run out to Blockbuster just yet. And I think a cute chick kissed me. But I only have vague recollections of that. And I seem to think she was paid off anyway. Yes, Chris has just informed through IM that she was indeed paid off. False alarm, ego.

But anyway, thanks to everybody for coming out and to Sev for coming up with the idea 2 months ago. Both Mikes came out of hiding for a few hours and the Evil Joe contingency was kickin as usual. And Joelle and Niki even brought their cute roommate who made out with me for a few bucks. You other friends need to step up to the plate! Except Teresa. You're set for life.

OK. Back to reality here. I was talkin to Mike (Ante M) Aring (he hates that name, but there are too many Mikes around so it's gonna serve my purpose here - deal with it) on Saturday night about the forecast. At first it was supposed to be a huge storm (which it apparently is), then maybe just rain, then it might miss us altogether. Anyway, the forecast was changing like... well, like the weather. So I told him that this storm was coming up from the gulf. It was serious. Gulf storms don't front. He laughed. Then he laughed harder...

Quote of the Day 2/28/05

"I laughed, and then I got it."

-"Loses With the Best Hand" Mike


Yeah, and we're still getting it.

Good friends, good times,

D Rec.


Still Standing Right Here...

Invitation to Howl

Hey everybody. You can probably tell by the subject headline that this isn't a quote of the day. Then what the hell is it? Well, I'm inviting everybody on here to come to hang with me, Barnes, Sev, Dan, Tom, Keith, Tony, Wad, Evil Joe, Giese, and probably about 20-30 other people at Howl At the Moon this Friday night. I don't know when I'm getting there, but I'll be there probably until close or at least until Russ gets us kicked out or arrested again. It's kinda in celebration of my birthday which you probably all know happened a couple months ago. This is how I roll, I hope you all don't mind. Anyway, I'll probably get to Howl at the Moon (in Power Plant Live in Baltimore) between 8-9. I think if you get there before 8, there's no cover. After 8, I think it's like $7. I know there are a ton of people on this list I haven't seen in like 10 years. In fact, I just went through the list and I'm pretty sure half of these people don't check their e-mail anymore. Mike, you know you have 6 ex-girlfriends on this list?

Sorry, got off track. Howl At the Moon this Friday 2/25. If you don't come, you won't be there and it will be your fault. Tell other people like James and Fred. And maybe we can add a few ladies to this list, I mean DAMN! Now I'm depressed. You all need to buy me a beer. Do it Friday. Cool.

Dustin.

410-591-6265

Rating Stuff That Trashed the Resale Value of My Car

Stuff That Trashed the Resale Value of My Car

The Hood Doesn't Latch - OK, it's not quite as dangerous as it sounds. One of the latches is broken, so it sits up about two inches from the hood and bounces up and down when the car moves. I'm fully convinced the hood will never become unlatched and fly up in front of the windshield when I'm driving, but I was a film major who once put oil in the steering wheel fluid tank. What the hell do I know? It really just adds to the over Mercury Tracer-ness of the vehicle. C+

Warped Piston in the Motor - This is a complete guess, but it's not mine. It's Goodwrench Joe's assessment of the noise coming out of my engine. It kinda sounds like if you dropped a bolt in a blender and set it on puree. It's been over two years, so I don't think it's ever going to really matter and it doesn't really affect the performance of the vehicle. The vehicle affects its own performance enough. It now just sounds like a science experiment from the outside. Which sucks for dates. I have to make sure the car is always off when she is outside the vehicle. Or I have to coast down to her apartment if she's already outside. Or I just have to get a new fucking car. A-

The Back Door Doesn't Open From the Inside - I call it my cop car feature. Cespos calls it something else that I won't get into in mixed company. But it makes for amusing times when somebody actually sits back there, which is hardly ever, because we usually forget about them and they have to sit there the rest of the evening until we get back. Fortunately, this is probably something that will be overlooked if I try to sell my car. B

Interior Lights Don't Go On - I already talked about this when I mentioned the whole running out of gas thing. Again, I imagine I'll be selling the car in the daytime, so it will probably go unnoticed. But you can't read the gas gauge, the speedometer or any other dial that's up there once dark takes over. But thankfully, the battery light still works. Which is another problem. Cause I know what to do when the gas light comes on, believe it or not. But what do you do when the battery light comes on? I think you just stay the course, cross your fingers and hope you don't have to call Leigh to pick you up in the Heroin District of Philly. I'll consult the manual to make sure. D+

Broken Gas Cap - This one is sorta recent. It was actually the fault of stupid gas can I overpaid for. Somebody turned what could have been very easy into the most difficult procedure since time travel was invented. I really think you needed three hands to work the thing properly. To this day, I still believe the only answer was to kick the fuck out of the gas cap. B+

So I not-so-recently started using AIM again (BumpSetNet, please write me. I only ever talk to the same three people on there). I am starting to see the merits in it now that I've developed the habit of falling out of touch with all my friends in non-predictable 3 month intervals. Well, I'm sure I don't need to describe how it works to all of you out there, so here's a conversation between Mikey and me that may have invented a new word I'm going to use...

Quote of the Day 2/22/05

MJConover7: Guess you just IM'd me.
BumpSetNet: ?
MJConover7: Guess *who* just. . . .
BumpSetNet: ok, that makes more sense
BumpSetNet: and you can't even really call that a typo
MJConover7: it was a "think-o"

Thank God there's a new word for it. I've been calling them "Dustins."

Happy Birthday Ma!!

Sonfish.


Still Standing Right Here...

Speaking of Me...

Speaking of Me...

So now that John is privy to this new info, he has another take on my dating life. Maybe it's not the college grads that is my problem, rather the masters students. He thinks they need the real world to beat the flakiness out of them. I don't know if that necessarily follows a sound track of logic, but I'm willing to accept any explanation that expands my dating pool. That last QOTD about giving up on the college grads came the same day that I hired a 16-yr-old high school girl to be my day camp assistant. Before anyone thinks anything, this was pointed out to me by my two dirty old men coworkers. I hadn't even noticed. They thought it was something of a coincidence. Well, I'm dispelling any rumors before they start. This girl isn't even my type. I saw her IM screen name on her computer and it had every other letter capitalized, like if TiVo was a really long word. That reeks of high maintenance anyway. Gee, I wonder why everybody makes fun of me for dating younger chicks? Has anyone actually seen me date a younger chick or have you just heard me talk about it all the time? Never mind that comment. Well, they tell you to turn into a skid.

So my roommate's girlfriend (Megan) was telling me about a girl she knows in her sorority who has this EXTREME attention issue. As in, she always needs it to be on her. Everybody knows the type, I'm sure, but this was apparently an extreme case, as my roomie described her...

Quote of the Day 2/21/05

"I could be telling a story about her, and she'd interrupt to start talking about her. 'Speaking of me...'"

-Perpendicular Keith


I think I dated her once.

Runnin into the sun but I'm runnin behind,

D Ref.


Still Standing Right Here...

Masters of Crazy

WARNING: A lot of people were eliminated from this list because of reasons that will become evident soon enough.

Well, thanks accidentally to John's recent e-mail response to my Valentines Day cynical tirade, I figured it all out. Well, some of it. I still don't know who I am and I don't know what to do with this information, but here's what I learned. John asked how old this chick was and said that it sounded like high school bullshit. And he's right, it does. Only it's not. This chick has her masters, owns a house and has a job and everything. (OK, I just had to go back and delete like another 20 addresses to protect her anonymity and my ass - consider yourself the privileged few. Either my good, trusted friends or third rate acquaintances so far removed from my life that you can cause no harm)

So let's recap. The last three college grads I dated, who all also have masters, for whatever the hell that's worth, have the following rap sheet: One lied and told me she was two weeks late to basically avoid going out with me because she was too afraid to tell me she was seeing somebody else. Whatever happened to "I have a headache?" I guess that was too bland for her. Another got upset that I was seeing somebody else after she told me she just wanted to be friends, mostly because I was still nice to her after she turned me down. And I swear to you all, that's it. I didn't fool around with both of them at the same time or anything to honestly be held accountable for in the normal human plane of emotionally stable existence. And then there's the third. Well, we should all know what happened there. Beelzebabe reared her ugly head and spewed forth bullshit from her eyes, whilst her alter ego, "The Ultimate Quizmaster" set up impossible hurdles for me to stumble over so she could still maintain her self-respect if the relationship went sour. Damn! I don't want to shit on everybody's slurpee here, but I just hit a bad case of apples here. Deal with my cynicism. It's funnier than contentment. And now the second part of the equation. Think about the last non-college graduate I dated. Steph. She was awesome and not a day goes by when I don't wish we could still hang out (didn't know I was going here either - and I just had to delete another 8 people. But I also put one back on). But she went and graduated and moved to another country, so that rules her out now anyway. Conclusion? Don't date college graduates. So I need to stick to the college chicks that everybody gives me shit for chasing around. Or the drop-outs. I don't know about that yet, but I'll try anything once. Maybe even twice just to make sure I don't like it. But the point stands. I need to find em young and brainwash them before they inevitably get all fucked up. Shit, I'm tired of deleting names. I'm just gonna suck up those last few comments and take it on the chin.

While I've got all these names deleted, I'm going to do one of the quotes that doesn't exactly put me in a great light. I was at the post office and I needed Mike to go into my bag to get my checkbook to pay for whatever. He reaches in the bag and one particular compartment happened to contain my addressbook, my checkbook and condoms. I now realize how funny that combination of items is, but Mike thought to point it out to me...

Quote of the Day 2/17/05

"Dude, you have your addressbook, condoms and a checkbook all in the same compartment? What's in this one, a shot of penicillin?"

-Mikey McWawa


Actually, I'm allergic to penicillin. It's alpha-phenoxyethyl potassium. And don't look that up. I'm not sure that's right.

Thank God for porn,

D Wreck.


Still Standing Right Here...

Cupid's Curse Continues

Cupid's Curse Continues

So yesterday was Valentines Day. My favorite holiday of the year. It's a little like a Jewish holiday because not everybody really recognizes it as a holiday. I actually slept for 16 hours last night. It was the greatest Valentines Day ever. Except of course for the Valentines Day or Days when I was with one of my ex girlfriends who may still be on this list. Yeah, that was the best. :) I would like to apologize to all women now but you recently had a chick ruin Valentines Day for you, at least as far as it pertains to me. And this isn't even that psycho chick I've been telling you about recently. Anyway, I have a friend. She got mad at me for being nice to her. Now, I know it seems hard to believe, but that was my only crime. We saw each other a few times and she didn't want anything more. OK. Cool. I still want to be good to her, so I got her a couple flowers for Christmas. I thought I was being nice, right? Then she finds out that I went out with this other girl (and we all know how that ended), and she tells me about a week later that she left crying and she was so upset because I made her feel special and she thought she was the only one, even after she told me she didn't want anything with me.

Huh?

I give up, ladies. I tried being myself. I tried being nice. Hell, there was a span of like a month or two where I tried being an ass (comments to yourself please). Really, what are my options? I just lost a pretty good friend for being nicer to her than she wanted me to be. I realize this isn't an everyday occurrence, but I want to play the odds. What do I do? I realize that it's probably best to just be myself, but I've been trying to figure out who I am for like 7 years now. I have been so many different people and they've all been myself. So yeah, I thought to maybe do something cool for a few of you ladies out there for Valentines Day, but I thought better of it. I wouldn't want to piss you off. And just think if I missed anybody? Oooohhhh! There's a can of worms not worth opening. So I went to bed at 7:15. I assume that probably pissed somebody off too.

Sorry. I don't mean to be so cynical, but it seems I've hit a good run of bad luck here. I'm sure by next year I'll have it all figured out. Speaking of which, I was talking about the other girl I was "seeing" and yet never really paying attention to anything she said. Cause I'm an asshole. Or was I just being myself? Anyway, I was thinking of things to do for her for Valentines Day and Cespos came up with a good one...

Quote of the Day 2/14/05

"Maybe you should send her sister flowers."

-Cespos de Bergerac


Or maybe I should just chop my nuts off myself.

Happy Valentines Day!

Dustin Strangelove.


Still Standing Right Here...

Outkicked

Outkicked

OK, we're gonna take a break from the Alanis Morisette dating life I've been leading for a while (and we won't speak of that sporting event that may or may not have happened a few days ago), and we'll concentrate on my newest addiction, poker. Thankfully, I have a computer that can only support my habit about three hours at a time. This is why I still sleep at night. Once I get a new computer, I will need to find an alternative to sleeping. Anyway, I was recently playing hold em online with my dad and got an ace-four. I told him I didn't want to call because I had an ace with a poor kicker...

Quote of the Day 2/7/05

"That's not a kicker. That's not even a punter."

-The dad.


And that's not the only poker/football joke I got lined up for this week!

Bettin on a loser,

Busted Nuts.


Still Standing Right Here...

Clearance from God

Clearance from God

OK boys and girls, put on your game face. It's time. Is TO gonna play or not? You wanna know the truth? I don't give a fuck. Maybe it's because it's all I've been hearing about for the last two weeks. The Eagles are finally in the Superbowl for the first time since I was 5 and I have actually found myself turning off Sportscenter because I'm so sick of the Terrell Owens ankle updates. It seems to be all anybody asks me about the game too. If you haven't been paying attention, he's coming back from his injury 3 weeks early because God cleared him to play. Though if he does score, I can't wait to see what he'll do. I think he should just give the ball to the ref and walk back to the sidelines. It will be the most talked about celebration this year. And the camera will stay stuck on him for half an hour. Actually, I would like to see him run over and raise the PAT net himself. That would make his return worth it. But the real game takes place before the game even starts. You can bet on anything in the superbowl. Even the coin toss. This is how I will make my millions. There is something called a two-team parlay in sports betting. You bet that two things will happen and if they both happen, you get paid decent money. Something like 13:5. So if you put up $5 that the Eagles will cover and the score will go over the over/under (if you're lost, don't worry - it gets easier), you get 13 dollars if both things happen. OK, so put down $5 that the Eagles will win the toss and the Eagles will get the ball first. If you're right, you get $13. Then put up $5 that the Patriots will win the toss and the Patriots will get the ball first. If this happens, you get $13. So you'll lose $5 if you choose both of these, but you'll get $13 as long as whoever wind the toss elects to receive the ball. This happened in every Eagles game and every Patriots game this season. So for every $5 you put up, you win $8. Just so the bookie doesn't catch on, place these bets with two different bookies. It's a lock. In fact, it's more like an investment than a bet. And that's what I'm asking from you. Only $500 and you can get in on the ground floor. Now I just need to find two different bookies who will take a bet from somebody who's never placed a bet before. And I'm going to be the one getting my legs broken if the deal goes sour. Well, this is how I'm going to make my millions next year.

I fucked up my ankle again. Not as bad as it's ever been, but enough to sideline me from my lunchtime Tue/Thu old man basketball games. So one of the guys asked me if I'd be able to play next week...

Quote of the Day 2/6/05

"Well, all you need is God to clear you."

-Geoff


Unfortunately, my HMO won't send him my MRI.

Flyin like an Eagle,

Dustin McNabb.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Responses to QOTD 1/31/05

OK. This is the day when I normally rate something that normally wouldn't be rated. But you guys seem to be having so much fun with that last QOTD, I kinda want to run with it. I've gotten more responses for a quote than I think I have since the time I gave the Star Wars movie a bad rating. What a fucking debacle that was. And back then, I sent it out so that everybody could respond to everybody else. It turned into this bitter, opinionated e-argument between those people who liked the movie and thought I was unfair in my rating and those people who disagreed with the misuse of my mailing list. It got ugly. I lost two friends over that. But an important lesson was learned. And we can all agree that important lessons are sometimes worth at least the friendship of two Star Wars geeks.

Sorry, I off-tracked myself a little. So I had a lot of fanfare is what I was saying. Now while I don't feel it is right to send out the entire thing to everybody on this list, I can give you all a taste. And with approximately every two sentences in this e-mail, one more person had to temporarily be deleted from this mailing list. Consider yourselves proud to have made the cut. Or to have an e-mail address I couldn't easily associate with you. Anyway, I'm going to rank some of the responses I've gotten from everybody about the letter I sent out, to try to stay with the theme. And in a cheap attempt to make my job easier, I'm going to make them a whole week's worth of quotes. I'm a schemer like that. So I hope you don't mind the personal messages you sent back to me going public. I deleted all the emotional, non-funny stuff. And thanks to everybody that wrote back. Apparently, lots of people have my back.

Responses to QOTD 1/31/05...

Quote of the Day 2/1/05

Stryker: "Women are like a fine wine. You pay a lot of money expecting a nice experience. But most of the time they end up being bitter and dry. That and they stain the carpet." - Here's what I like about this response. And Stryker. He comes up with a completely out-of-the-blue simile that makes a very good and relevant point however random it might be, but to make sure he maintains both his comic integrity and his macho dignity, he throws in a little joke at the end so we know it's not just a sympathetic "I love you, friend" type of note. It's not the funniest thing he's ever said, but he stayed within the framework of his intention. Well done. A

Quote of the Day 2/2/05

Jason Corns: "Despite the random flailings of women who think too highly of themselves... and despite even the staple-proof vest, you are a resoundingly thoughtful friend." Jason had the same concept, but in reverse order. Equally as effective as Stryker's and should show you the difference between the two of them and why obviously one is superior to the other. He started out with the joke and brought it back to the old "I got your back, bro" finale. Well constructed. A

Quote of the Day 2/3/05

Excerpt from 1/31/05:
> So please tell me now if I've ever thought that I was having a
> conversation with anyone on this list and I was actually undergoing some
> sort of exam and wound up failing miserably.

John Sears: "Dustin, it's time you knew the truth. Your parents have the originals." - So that's how it works? Well, this was all joke and John will therefore not be confused for anyone going on "The View." But our friendship is understood. He's pinned it down perfectly so many times, comparing me to comets and tumbleweed. But in a good way. A

Quote of the Day 2/4/05

MJ: "Having to give someone a test to find other whether you like them (or apparently absolutely hate them) is like a doctor giving you his own second opinion in order to validate his first opinion. Now that I just read that last sentence I don't know if that makes any sense. I should probably go get a third opinion. ;)" - Again with the similes. I like it. And this is like a joke on top of joke, the last of which he pokes fun at himself, which is one of my favorite techniques. He also went on to literally say that he had my back. Bro. A

Quote of the Day 2/5/05

Mike Conover: "Holy Christ on a stick! She's fuckin nuts! People don't even think to themselves the things she said, let alone write them and then actually communicate them." - See, Mike had the benefit of actually reading the e-mail in its entirety, so his needs to be graded on a curve. He wrote back a dissection of her hate message that comes close to 5 pages single spaced in Word. I actually read it at work and because I kept getting interrupted, it took me 2 hours to read. And I laughed the entire time. Thanks, Mike. And now there are two copies out there in case of my disappearance. And I finally have a reason to get a safe deposit box. But anyway, Mike's message was awesome, through and through. However, if I printed it all, I'd have to probably delete another 125 people off the list. But I'm sure I'll throw out bits and pieces when I can. This quote was just how his 5 page response started. And it should sum up the tone of the letter. Anyway, good job Mike. Originally A+, but with curve, A.


Whew! Five quotes in one day! I'm beat.

T-1 day until Eagle Superbowl detonation,

Dustin McNabb


Still Standing Right Here...