Every
time I think I'm out, they keep pullin me back in!
***********************************************************************
> Excerpt from 3/3/02
> Once every year for the past 7 years, I've put together a
> compilation of all the best (according to me) quotes, humorous
> anecdotes, and bungling idiot stories that made an appearance in the
> quote of the day since its conception back in 1995. Well I'll warn you
> all now, but next year, I'm not gonna do it.
***********************************************************************
See, I told you I wasn't going to do it last year. I didn't think I was going
to do it again this year, but I got the itch. And I still run into people every
once in a while that ask me "Whatever happened to the quote of the day?
You're life used to have meaning and purpose back when you were doing that. Now
you're just a shell of a man that I don't really want to associate with and
especially not make love to four times a night." Needless to say, I've
been inspired.
For those newcomers to the quote of the day, don't start reading this if you
have anything to do in the next two hours. I've had people tell me that they
started getting into reading this and wound up skipping class, missing work,
it's made somebody late for an exam and once it postponed a wedding. This will
be long, which is why it took me a whole year to complete. Well that and the
fact that I added poker and the Sopranos to my long list of already existing
addictions. So this will be the second year in a row that I've actually
postponed March 3rd by an entire year. So I'm two years behind everybody else
right now. That seems about right. Another note for new people. I put you on
this list cause I
thought you might think it was funny getting these little rants and quips once
a day or so. They won't all translate into a 45 page single-spaced word
document like this one so don't worry. If you think somebody else might want to
be on this that isn't, let me know. If you don't like where this is going for
you already, there's a place for you outside this huge list of people that you
can't see right now (it numbers over 150). But thanks for at least reading this
far. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
So yeah, it's been 9 years since I sent out the first "quote of the
day" back on March 3rd, 1995. Wow! 1995. I can still remember the days of
staying up all night playing Axis & Allies with John, Giese, Mikey and Scott
while the twins were out partying all night. For some reason, it seems like
that was only just last month. The mind is a funny thing. I actually wrote a
year back about how my mind seemed to think that I could hop in the shower at
9:45 and wash my hair, shave, brush my teeth, pee, draw up some football plays
on the wall with soap, splash in the water a little bit, etc. and I would still
get out of the shower at 9:45 with 15 minutes to get to work. My entire morning
schedule was based around what I called this "magic shower" in which
time did not pass. Well, I'm realizing that was a microcosm of my actual life.
It's like I jumped in the shower 10 years ago and I got out and everybody else
was married, some had kids, some had PHDs, some were already divorced and
married again, some went to Iraq
for a war. Anyway, life went on. Then there's me. I did graduate, so I guess
that's something. But no wife, no kids, haven't been convicted of any major
crimes. Not much has gone on in my life yet. But I've still got another 10
months before I turn 30. That's when things are going to have to change for me.
Because that's when I'm going to have to start lying about my age. Anyway, this
quote tradition started back on 3/3/95, and it was so tame and cute back then.
I had just learned how to use a computer and the double-click was a new concept
back then. I was fascinated with midis and the Windows 3.1 Paint program. There
was also this game with gorillas throwing exploding bananas at each other that
I still wish I had. Anyway, John said something funny at dinner and so I
thought I'd use this free e-mail thing that UMBC had given me and I got Kate
how to show me how to make up a mailing list and I e-mailed the 23 people I had
addresses for:
***********************************************************************
Subject: quote of the day 3/3
>From now on, I'm going to try to have a quote of the day. If it gets annoying,
tell me.
-Dustin.
March 3, 1995
"If I ever understand Beck, I'll kill myself."
-John Sears (Tonto Sleepyhead)
***********************************************************************
That was it. Very modest beginnings. I had no intention of turning it into an
arena for my bitching rants about my car, my dating life, my latest sporting ventures
and the injuries I've suffered from all three of those areas. I also never
thought it would last this long. I thought maybe the semester until I went home
to a computerless PA. But here I am, trying to revive it as I do every year at
some point. Unfortunately, the quote had recently taken a back seat to trivial
things like online canasta, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and working to try
to make money so I can buy food. But I wasn't doing too bad for a
self-employed, non-government, non-paying occupation with no real
advertisement. That is, until I realized how much porn there is out there. But
I think I got it all now, so I can try to concentrate on the quote a little
more in this next year. Plus I know a lot more people that say really stupid
things, so it should be easier.
Though the rants have become commonplace and a usually fun little intro, the actual
quotes are what drive the "quote of the day." Without them, we might
not know that tow truck prices are very literally highway robbery. And I think
everybody now knows that the head gasket is the one in charge of all the other
gaskets. And in case you don't have directions on how to get there, Aaron does.
We follow the car in front of us. They switch lanes, we switch lanes. It's
kinda like GPS. But don't take Tony's word for it. There are a lot of flaws in
his problem. And of course this game sounds made up. Aren't all games made up?
We'd probably also never know about the thumbless chickens running around
Pizzeria Unos screaming, unable to use tools. But all that was from a movie
Laurie, I'm not really funny.
The
quote has also been a confessional of sorts for odd sexual behavior. Mike had
to prove he wasn't gay by hooking up with his brother's best man. And Laura
seems to think she can date two men at the same time because she has two hands.
Also, girls with short hair are sexy. It's like you're having sex with like...
a little boy. And the only difference between priests and ministers is that
ministers don't get caught. But too many cooks do indeed spoil the brothel (or
was that cocks?) Anyway, I should get going now. Flynn comes home everyday
around this time and I need to go fuck a pie.
The one thing all the random different social groups worth of people I have on
this list have in common is me. This is why most of the quotes tend to center
around me and the stupid things that I do or have done. I actually fell out of
the loop in one social group because I was the only one who stayed inside the
loop (UMBC's loop, that is). And by the time I decided to be an NFL athlete, I
had already had a career-ending injury. Damn the timing! But it's good to hear that
I have the potential to not be this spastic all the time. And Colin needs a
life. It's a Saturday night and he's in his room playing board games with his
RA and a 27-year old man (at least he called me a man). But I worry too much. Life's
not that important. Especially mine. And one day, when Mikey has a few weeks,
he'll tell me. But I can't whine to Andrew about it. He doesn't want to hear my
Saab story.
Now to find out who got the QOTD MVP of this strike-shortened season. In case
you are new to the quote of the day of the year or just can't remember far back
enough to when I did the last one, the QOTD MVP goes to the person who, in the
span of a year, made my job easier by fanning the flames of ingenuity or by
diving on the live grenade of folly. Either way, I certainly appreciate all the
help I can get and for that, you deserve an award. Since the last quote of the
year, I've lived with 10 different people. I think. I can't even remember back
that far. And nobody racked up 13 quotes like John did in the rookie season of
quote of the day, so it would be hard to predict a winner this year. Tony's
always a good bet, because no matter how little time I spend with him, he's
usually creative enough to come up with something clever and cynical enough to make
it newsworthy. Mike is in that same boat, but less creative and more cynical.
And John is usually a longshot, but still not to be ruled out. And of course
there's dad, the founding father of what I think is funny in as literal a sense
as that statement can be taken. But what of Kevin and Joe? They are titleless,
yet always so damn close. Like the Eagles of recent which shall never be spoken
of again. Or would there be some new blood in the water? Well, to cut the
suspense with a blunt piece of rock, there is a tie. Not just any tie, but a
three-way tie. At three. Receiving tote bags this year (since I don't have
three trophies to give out) will be Tony (as expected), Colin (from out of
nowhere), and for the first time since I lived with him back in the 96-97
season, Johnny Sears. And I told you last year that he "could shock
everybody next year" because I got a little spun around in my social
circles and ended up hanging out with those guys for a good while. Anyway,
congrats to the three of you, and good job to the rookie for his breakout
season. Coming in second (actually fourth) were Geoff (my cynical colleague),
Meg (my even more cynical ex-girlfriend), Laurie (the unintentionally cynical
sidekick), and of course, Mike. Always second place to Tony. Lots of people
were tied for eighth. I won't mention them all, cause I just don't want to and
it's my show.
Usually, the quote comes from everyday life in the intramural circuit, the
dodge ball battlefield, the volleyball court, or in the Van Of Stench somewhere
in Kansas.
But one of the things I like about the quote (mainly because it makes my job
easier), is that the quotes can come from anywhere. I have quoted 4 of my old
professors and 9 of my own family members in addition to 3 friend's mothers. I
have quoted Billy Joel, Vice Admiral Hyman Rickover, and Bill Walton. I took a
quote straight out of a UMBC campus announcement and another one straight out
of one of my art textbooks. But one of the funniest quotes I ever set my ears
on came only a month after the quote's conception, back in April of 1995. It
was debuted as the quote of the month / year/ decade back then, and though I
corkscrew it into the ground every year about this time, it's still one of my favorites:
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 1995-96
The Set-Up...
"Love is like hearts. You want to follow suit, but you don't want to have the
lead."
-Me
The Quote...
"If love is like hearts, than sex is like spades. If you don't have a good
partner, you damn well better have a good hand."
-Weed
***********************************************************************
The best quote from 7 years ago was a tough one to pick because nothing really
jumped out at me like that one, but any quote that pokes fun at me so well, I
can't defend myself with a comment gets my vote...
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 1996-97
So this past weekend, we were all hanging out in John's room (the 5 of us who stayed
this weekend), and John was reading a quote of the day, when he turned around
and said to me...
Quote Of the Day 4/8
"How can you still be standing right there? You've been standing there for
like two years. Take a walk! Sit down! Go out!..."
-My roommate that's not really my roommate
***********************************************************************
The 1997-98 quote of the year actually got the honor by being the only one
nominated. I never had a quote nominated for quote of the year before, so I
figured this was going to be an easy decision. Steve "Baritone"
Zebrowski liked this quote so much, he e-mailed me for about the first time in
over a year and asked if I was accepting votes for quote of the year, if there
was such a thing. Well, Steve, thanks to you, there is such a thing now. Good
idea too! And here it is...
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 1997-98
"I would be filled with so much information, it would be a sin to let me
die."
-My father, the hero...
...sandwich.
***********************************************************************
1998-99's quote of the year honor struck a chord relatively close to home for
me. Mostly because it was back home where the quote came from and it was about
the trip Mike and I were about to take across the country. My panel of judges
(Tony, with Misti in the back seat agreeing to whatever he said) carefully
weighed all of the nominees and came up with this...
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 1998-99
Well, this brings us to our quote. Mike has a pretty crappy car too, and we
were talking about whether or not we could drive to Las Vegas. Anyway, he told me that he'd have
to find out if it was downhill first.
Quote of the Day 6/9/98
"Most people look at road maps before they take a trip. I look at elevation
charts."
-Mike
***********************************************************************
Congrats again, Mike. I'd give you a tote bag, but you already have a bag full
of bags, just nothing to carry them in. Besides, the three way tie kinda ran me
out of tote bags.
For the 1999-2000 season, I actually started to use a panel of judges. I took
the funniest 13 quotes I could find and sent them to a randomly selected (I
fixed it) group of panelists to vote on which they thought were the funniest
quotes in the last year. So of course it would figure that three people on the
panel would have a hand in that year's quote of the year. Well, this quote is
kinda like my three best unmarried friends in tandem. But in this case, tandem
doesn't mean they all jump out of a plane attached to one another. The reason
this quote is so great is because it involves all three of them directly or
indirectly, and it's about my massive tool:
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 1999-2000
I don't know if you know the principals behind AOL Instant Messenger, but if
you type a message to me, the entire sentence pops up on my screen when you hit
enter, and vice versa. So many times, when both parties are typing at the same
time, the messages will pop up one right after the other, before the parties
have a chance to read what the other had written first. Well, you get the
point. I hope. Here's what happened in a conversation between Good Joe (using
Mike's account) and Tony the day it snowed a lot and Joe was supposed to come
down to MD for the night:
Quote Of the Day 1/21/00
WhiteTony: Smart move by not coming down here today.
GoodJoe4U: Thanks.
GoodJoe4U: I think Dustin has a small penis.
WhiteTony: They changed the forecast to as much as 14-20 inches.
GoodJoe4U: Laughing...too hard...can't...type...
***********************************************************************
So there you have it. The quote of 1999-2000 was about my huge penis. And I
didn't even have to fix the ballots. It was funny enough to everyone as it was!
hey, wait a minute...
I continued using a panel of hand selected judges and using a third eye blind
experimentation process, we came up with Tony's second quote of the year in a
row...
***********************************************************************
Quote Of the Year 2000-2001
...Anyway, I went and got a ping pong table and two paddles and a few balls at
Dick's Sporting Goods the week before vacation and it wasn't long before Russ
threatened to break one by slamming it on the table...
Quote Of the Day 1/3/01
Me: "If we break one of these we'll have to go back to Dicks."
Tony: (walking past the table) "I'm NOT using my dick!"
I'll bet you're laughing out loud.
***********************************************************************
So there it is. The Quote of the Year went to Tony for the second year in a
row. And also for the second year in a row, he was talking about the male
organ. Obsessive maybe? Anyway, congratulations again Tony. That's now four
successive calendar years that you've had the title. Now let somebody else
play.
This past season (I'm replacing the word "year" with
"season" from now on because of the fact that... well, because I'm a
year late and all) had many fewer quotes, but just as many quality ones, thanks
to the invention of paper, pens and pockets. Every year, I like to pick out my favorite
quote of all the nominees that got snubbed in the voting process. This year, it
was a little math humor, which usually gets snubbed in general anyway...
***********************************************************************
Dustin's Favorite Quote 2002-2003
This quote came from one of my deadbeat roomies over the summer. I was driving
Colin to work, or maybe the bank or something (probably the gay bar again), and
95 had a sign up that said "NEW TRAFFIC PATTERN." So I was prepared
to get over a lane or jump a ramp or something. Well, all it was was a lot of
orange barrels on the shoulder of the road, to which Colin started quickly
pointing to and counting...
Quote Of the Day 1/31/03
"1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1... I think I got the pattern."
-Colin Batneck Fergus
Oh, that math humor! (Dorks, both of them)
***********************************************************************
Yeah! So that was funny in case you missed it. Take my word for it. Or blow it
off and keep reading. Cause here's what a panel of people who I think are funny
thought was funny, but not quite the funniest...
***********************************************************************
Runner Up Quote Of the Year 2002-2003
Last week was St. Patrick's Day, a day where everybody pretends they are a little
bit Irish so they can all justify drinking more than usual. What a holiday.
I'll bet no more than 10 of you actually know who St. Patrick is or what he
did, or why he's associated with binge drinking. But who am I to spoil the fun?
So Tony was on his way out to "celebrate" this holiday last year when
I asked him if he was even Irish...
Quote Of the Day 3/25/02
"I'm 1/365th Irish."
-Tony "MacKinnin" Harris
His family tree looks more like an afro.
***********************************************************************
This got a lot of votes, mostly second place votes and you'll see why when you
read the first place quote. But my favorite vote was Proz's:
-----------------
His family tree looks more like an afro. <------ br="" i="" nominate="" quote="" sucked="" the="" this="">
-----------------
Thanks Proz. And now onto the quote you've all been waiting for. The quote of
the year from 2002-2003, and since I've started using a panel of judges (this
is the second time), this was the biggest runaway of the bunch. Check it out...
***********************************************************************
Quote of the Year 2002-2003
OK, I run this program on campus in which I try to marry Rec Sports and Res
Life in our intramurals. I award points for participation in every sport. I
knew this one team was from Patapsco, but I didn't know which hall (3rd South,
etc.). So I called the front desk and after I fell over my words about 3 or 4
times, asked the girl (I think her name was Meghan) on the phone if she could
tell me where this guy lived, but I didn't really need to know his address, I
just needed to know what hall he lived on.
Silence.
So then I started explaining what I was doing with the whole Rec Sports/Res
Life thing and in the middle of what was already the most uncomfortable
conversation I've ever had...
Quote Of the Day 2/13/03
Me: "OK, wait. Let me explain myself. My name is Dustin and I work for the
Rec Sports office -"
Girl: (cutting me off) "I know. I dated you for 7 months."
Oh. THAT Megan.
***********************************************************************
You can feel the uncomfortable awkwardness from miles away. It's been over a
year now and I'm still trying to think of something to say back to her. And
that was enough to make it last season's quote of the year. I guess the more
painful they are, the more funny they are. Like Jerry Lewis Pratt falls, but
much more heterosexual. So anyway, the quote of the year goes to my
ex-girlfriend Megan in the last words she's ever spoken to me. It's good to see
that though our relationship couldn't stand the test of time, the humor and her
bitterness has. ;) So Meg stole the crown from Tony and odds are that she won't
be wearing it come next March 3rd, however long I postpone it. And I like to make
bold predictions, but it's tough to say who's going to win it next year. I hang
out with John, Mike, my dad, and Tony probably almost exactly equally now and I
don't know who I'll be living with. I just can't believe Geoff hasn't done
anything yet. Most of his stuff may be too racy, but he'll likely come up with
something worthy of a quote nomination for next year. And there's still Colin
and this new guy Jason who's pretty quick on his toes. You may meet him in the
upcoming year. But he did just get a girlfriend so I never see him, so maybe
not. But these sentences are getting boringer by the period so I'm gonna stop
them.
***********************************************************************
So that was a very concise history of the quote of the day. For a much longer
history, I can forward you a file that may overload your disk's memory on
whatever ISP you have. Now this is the part of the anniversary edition where I
not only do something really cool, but something really easy. I've collected a
sampler of the little intro rants that I've done in the past nine years and
took only the crispiest cheese sticks, the meatiest buffalo wings and the
potatoiest potato skins and served them up for right here right now. So go get
a Five Alive or two to wash this stuff down, cause you may be here awhile...
***********************************************************************
*****************************************************************
***********************************************************************
On the level of my idiocy... 2/3/03
I know a lot of you out there live vicariously through my idiocy, so I
apologize for withholding that from you for so long, but you will have to wait
no longer. What really cracks me up about this story is that I knew how stupid
I was being, and I chose to see if my good luck could outlast empirical facts.
Well, here's what happened:
On why I backdate my quotes on occasion... 9/8/00
...If you must know why I do this, it's because years from now, when I look
back on all these quotes in trying to put together my autobiography,
"Everything Sucks; A Life In the Life of Me," I'm going to try to
convince myself I was very orderly and did all these quotes on the actual day
the message says. This last paragraph, however, is going to throw a serious
wrench into things. Oh well. But anyway, that's why I backdate a lot of these.
The underlying reason, of course, is that I'm lazy, late, and anal, a lethal
combination of character traits. Kind of like being drunk, covered in gasoline,
and at a campfire with people who want to kill you. But probably not that
lethal.
On writers block... 5/4/99
I have absolutely nothing to write about today. I just got done running around
the loop, I'm alone in the office, I instinctively logged into my account, hit
the "compose" feature and typed in the word "quote" which
brings up the addresses of all you out there, and sat in front of this screen
listening to my country MP3s for ten minutes, half thinking of something to
say, and half staring catatonically at my own hand resting on the keyboard that
hasn't yet started typing for me by itself. (That was a long sentence.) I
didn't really do anything of any interest today. I lost a volleyball game,
reffed 2 close-ass softball games, and watched Stryker and Derrick both play
different versions of solitaire on two different computers. And you know what?
I reminded me of the days when I used to play solitaire with actual cards,
which I don't think I could do anymore. It would take too damn long to set the
cards up and the piles get all messy and sometimes I can't pick them up off the
carpet easily and stuff. I'm spoiled, made soft and listless by Freecell and
other computer solitaire games which shuffle, deal, and tell you when you've
completely blown it. I think it says something about our society that we've
managed to make killing time incredibly efficient, allowing us to kill an hour
of spare time in only fifteen minutes...
On keeping a camp diary... 6/15/99
1999 Summer Day Camp, Day 2:
Dear Diary, it's only the second day of camp, and I've already witnessed a boy
get hit in the eye with a tennis ball, the same boy have an asthma attack later
that day, and an unnamed bastard counselor named Stryker bounce a kid into the
pool off of the slippery wet pool deck and grate. And despite the 11 year old
girls' endless attempts, they can't hook me up with any of the female
counselors. Or tear my arms from my body. And if Gary asks me to tuck my shirt in again, I'm
going to tuck it up his ass. If I'm not running from 25 kids in a spirited game
of "Get Mr. Dustin," I'm busy being a host to these parasitic leech
children, usually with one of them around each foot like two anchors making
sure I can't drift too far out to shore, what with all the high tides I
experience and everything. And these kids are the only ones who keep my sanity.
Unfortunately, they also keep my whistle. And my extra shorts. And the keys to
my car. I dread the day I go into work tired and cranky and give the first
unfortunate soul who tries to jump on my back a bloody lip out of frustration.
But as of yet, they don't know about my bad temper. Or my criminal record. Or
the box of razor blades I keep in my top desk drawer. I must go now Diary, it's
almost time for lunch. And I almost forgot about Billy. It's probably about
time to uncuff him. I'll write again tomorrow. I love you.
Rating songs about women's backsides... 2/11/03
Doin' Da Butt (Cameo) - This is the one that started it all. One day, everybody
was offended when you said they had a big ass. The next day, this song came out
on the radio. All of a sudden, it was fashionable to have a lot of junk in the
truck. Twiggy was dead and us white kids cried and cried when we realized what
had happened years later. I was in middle school and the song kinda scared me
because I wasn't very comfortable with girls as it was and I don't know that I
liked telling them they had big ole butts. But the best part of the song is
just that; that it lent itself to the "banana fanna fo fustin" song
theory in that you could put anybody's name in there. "Joey's sister's got
a big ole butt, OH YEAH! Ms. Lattanze's got a big ole butt, OH YEAH! Arnold
Palmer's got a big ole butt, OH YEAH!" And when you told people they had a
big ole butt, it was in the third person, so it wasn't as forcefully degrading.
But it didn't matter, because they just said "OH YEAH!" right back at
you anyway. This song changed the world. It inadvertently opened the floodgates
for streams of horribly degrading lyrics, but we'll forgive it because the beat
lends itself so easily to putting one's backfield in motion. A+
On learning new words... 7/25/98
Actually, when I first found out what "facetious" meant, I had also
just learned what the word "feces" meant. And so when somebody told me
I was being facetious, I thought they were telling me I was full of shit. Which
is basically what it means anyway.
Rating reasons my old apartment sucked... 2/4/03
Third Floor Shower Has Tiles Falling Off the Wall - OK, this is a problem. The
first time I tried to take a shower about 6 months ago, I brushed against the
soap dish and knocked it out of the wall. When I went to put it back, three
tiles fell off the wall onto my feet, which were already bleeding (and probably
infected) from the soap dish. The water was now directly hitting the wood on
the other side of the shower, which I'm sure isn't healthy. But I chose to
ignore that fact. Now that there are four of us showering in there instead of
one, two huge water stains have formed over Jere's bed. We duct taped saran
wrap over the tiles. That should do the trick. Soap dish is still removable. A
Third Floor Toilet Doesn't Work - Every time we use it, the used toilet water
would leak onto Jere's ceiling. A huge ugly water stain built up and eventually
started leaking onto Jere's bed while he slept. That's disgusting. We turned
the water to that toilet off. Then we had a party. The "toilet
broken" sign didn't seem to deter at least one person from puking in it.
So I had to put up with that stench for the night until I turned the water back
on to give the thing one last flush. Sorry Jere, but it was your party, puke
head. So now we have to shower upstairs and go all the way downstairs to poop.
Peeing... well, use your noggin. A+
We Have Bricks Coming Out Of the Wall Downstairs - It's a neat rustic type feature,
having a brick wall on the inside of your house. But really, you can just take
some of the bricks out. I'm no engineer, but that's not very structurally
sound. B-
On getting old... 11/3/97
I don't know if you guys are taking me seriously with this whole me being old
thing, but my knees don't do things that they used to. Of course, when they did
the things that they used to, they never really did the things that they were
supposed to, and I think I'm paying the price now. But I don't know. Because
had they not done the things they weren't supposed to, they might not be able
to do the things that they used to now anyway. Or maybe it would just hurt a
lot more. Who knows?
On getting e-mails from old acquaintances... 3/7/02
I got this really bizarre e-mail the other day. It was from somebody who claims
to have known me from college. I would normally delete this right away because
somewhere along the line, I signed up for too many daily porn e-mails, which
you can by the way, NEVER unsubscribe from, no matter what they tell you. So
anyway, they all say about something like that. "Hey, remember me? It's
Jenny McSweetboobs from college! Sorry I've lost touch, but things have been
*crazy*. I thought I saw you on campus the other day, but I didn't recognize
you without the pink hat." So about now, I figure it's not one of those
regular porn ones. Or they've gotten really good at what they do.
On December at UMBC... 12/1/95
Anyway, it's December finally. Which in Maryland,
apparently means that temperatures will rise into the upper 60s with a
beautiful breeze reminding everyone of early Spring. It also means that
Christmas is soon approaching and with the coming of Christmas, also comes the
stress of finals. Everybody is too busy worrying about their future to be able
to get into the Christmas spirit. It is quite an unfortunate principal of college.
They should really try to schedule around such holidays. But I refuse to let it
bog me down. I will be in the Christmas spirit because I have admitted defeat.
The future holds no fame and fortune for me and academics have never been my
thing. So I'll be riding around on my invisible sled playing pink-hatted Santa
Claus to everyone. Another unfortunate principal is that all college students
are broke. So you will all be getting paper Mache in your stocking from me. Hug
somebody for Christmas. They're cheap and very seldom (though it does happen) refused.
But stop at the hug or you may be getting a pretty little summons under your
tree. All right, I've wasted enough of your precious e-mail time and my
delirious awakeness is wearing off...
On the futility of a certain economic venture... 3/25/02
It's that time of year again. It's the time of the year in which I donate money
to people who watch more college basketball than I do. I don't know why I do
this every year. I'm usually statistically eliminated by the end of the second
round. Well, this year was no exception. There were 16 games on the first day.
I'm not going to tell you all how many I got right, but let's say that I would
have done better if I had just gone with all the higher seeds. Or all the lower
seeds. Or all the teams that came first in alphabetical order. Or all their
opponents. And I'm not kidding. So I'm considering it a donation. I'm going to
try to deduct it from my taxes next year.
On the problem with ski lifts... 1/21/99
I was on one of the ski lifts with Teresa (Little Boy Hair Girl) and it
suddenly stopped. Apparently that isn't too uncommon. Whenever somebody fucks
up getting on the lift, they have to stop it for a while, to avoid further
deaths. Damn rookies. If you can't get on the lift, you don't deserve to have
the benefit of a ride back up the hill. Just carry your skis and start hiking.
Actually, those lifts are scary. I could picture somebody getting stuck trying
to get on one. I mean, you're standing there and the gate opens a split second
after the people in front of you get on, and you can see the seat you need to
get on coming down the other side, and you have to make it out onto the loading
deck with those big bulky skis on with another person beside you in like 3
seconds, or you're going to get blindsided by the side of it when it comes
swinging around the turn. I could see somebody starting to trip and panicking
and trying to jump out there anyway, and falling off the deck, but still trying
to reach for the passing lift to both save a little embarrassment and to
preserve his place in line and his right to not have to walk back up the big hill.
On professional wrestling... 12/18/00
...I suppose it has its superficial appeal. Seeing half naked guys roll around
with each other on a canvas can appeal to some people. But if I want to see
some guy hold another guys legs in the air in the spread eagle position, so
that his partner can wiggle his tongue around and dive his mouth into the
helpless victim's crotch, I'll go onto Russ' computer and check out his Gay
Pollock porn site bookmarks.
On retirement... 1/20/03
You know, I remember a time in which retirement used to mean you were done,
finished whatever it was you were doing. Hang up the gloves, collect the
pension and go golfing everyday. You didn't "come out of retirement,"
you just thought long and hard about whether or not you should do it in the
first place. Like Charles Barkley did publicly for like six or seven years in a
row. That was all the retirement talk there was. But just a week ago, Bill
Parcels came out of what I believe to be his third retirement to write his most
recent edition of "My Last Season Ever." This kind of crap was never
heard of even as recently as ten years ago. That is up until His Airness
decided to pull the jersey off the ceiling and give it another run because he
was bored. Apparently, you're not allowed to do that according to the NBA. They
have rules. But he did. And then he went out and bought a whole team just so he
could have the option of doing it again. And then he did it again. And so like
so many other words (foul and traveling to name a couple), MJ redefined retirement.
On my relationship with Good Joe... 6/18/98
Well, thankfully, one of my best friends happens to be a Car major at GMI
Institute (which in its written out form, is General Motor's Institute
Institute). So I tell him all the problems I'm having with the car and he says
some words I don't understand and I nod my head and go "ooooh, ok,"
and then we play tennis.
On stupid names for buildings... 3/14/02
So there's this guy named Jason Woody who happens to be an RA in the less new
dorm, named Erickson. As opposed to the new new dorm called New Dorm. I'm not
kidding. For those of you who don't know, there have been two new dorms built
in the past three years. They basically sold out their idea of having a body of
water theme and named the less recent one after the guy who put up the money.
Kinda like PSINet Stadium and 3Com
Park, etc. So this new
new dorm is already built and people are living in it and everything, and it
still doesn't have a name. I think they were waiting for somebody to put up
money so they could name the thing, but it's already built. So they don't need
money to build it anymore. So they just want somebody to give them money now so
they have money, and in return, they will put that person's name up on the New
Dorm. That reaches a possible new height in selling out, unmatched by even the
Stone Temple Pilots. So until somebody pays a lot of money, all envelopes going
there will be addressed to "New Dorm." I hope they have a sign up
there that says New Dorm, because I think that would exemplify how pathetic
UMBC really is.
On summer in Maryland... 9/7/99
Here's what Maryland
weather thinks is funny to us. It doesn't rain for three very hot long months
of summer, sending Maryland
into a drought warning with serious water restrictions for over a month. Then
it decides that it's had fun long enough and it lets loose like a guy who's been
holding in a piss through an entire opera. A 3-month-long opera. Last Thursday,
the drought warning was lifted. Last Friday, there was a flood warning. Does
this seem like a contradiction on some level to anybody else out there? Just
checking...
On major life decisions... 1/10/03
My sister and her boyfriend recently bought an RV and decided to give up the
luxury of a steady income for a life of considerable doubt, second-guessing,
and Ramen noodles.
On why we should have a queen... 11/9/00
Hold the phone!! There's a red flag on the field. What the hell happened?!? I
went to bed and we had a president and I woke up and we didn't. Who figured
that going to bed at 3:30 was too early? I guess the people at CNN just wanted
to go to bed at that point too. Well, if that's the case, I'm glad they're
recounting everything. I'd hate to have our fate for the next four years sealed
because reporters and election officials were getting too tired. And to all you
Bush/Cheney fans out there who think the Democrats are being sore losers, I say
let's take the extra week and not fuck it up. And I think I heard something
about how the electoral vote can be swayed if the popular vote favors the other
candidate. If this is the case, then why don't we just say fuck the electoral
vote system and just go with the popular vote? But I'm probably misunderstanding
something.
So for those of you who live in a darkened cave or have been trapped under
something heavy with all sources of external stimuli off, here's the
presidential race throwdown as explained by the definition of a layman: The man
who will lead us for the next four years, direct our country into the new millennium
(whether you believe my reasoning or not) our executive role model for the next
tenure, will be chosen by 19,000 residents of Palm Beach County, Florida. We no
longer matter. We're done. The only people that matter anymore are the voters
of Palm Beach, Florida. Not just any 19,000 voters, but the
stupidest 19,000 residents who were too dumb to fill out the ballot properly.
These are the citizens who will choose our leader. 19,000 old Jewish ballot
filling out fuck-ups. Apparently, there were way too many votes for Pat
Buchanan of the Nazi party that somebody figured something had to be wrong. So Palm Beach, Florida
will probably revote. So the world's got to wait for Palm Beach to decide what they're gonna do. I
think it's funny that Oregon
is also still undecided, but nobody gives a shit. Fuck Oregon. It rains too much there anyway.
Rating reasons guys got kicked off of our basketball team... 1/28/03
Will Jerkin - OK. This one combines the ignorance it takes to be a crook, the
meatheadedness it takes to be a bully, and some flat out audacity disguised as
idiocy. So this really big guy (about 6'8" or so) takes this cell phone
from a girl he just met while he was out somewhere. Then she calls him on it
when she realizes she's missing it and he answers and offers to give it back.
For $100. So she agrees to meet him at the designated meeting place. Only she
shows up with cops. A+
On my relationship with my parents... 9/6/99
Today is a very important day in Dustin history for two reasons. For one, it's
my parent's anniversary, which was a very important step in my conception.
Secondly, it's my dad's birthday, a hands-down much more important step in my
conception. Happy birthday, dad. He turned 33 for the 18th year in a row. To
help him celebrate, I decided to take the weekend off, drive back up to Pennsylvania, and play
tennis with Joe.
Why I don't vote... 11/17/00
Well, the Florida Supreme Court has decided to let the recount last until
Sunday, at which time, a final number ABSOLUTELY MUST be reached. So if they
don't count your vote before Sunday, then it doesn't get counted. That sounds
about fair. The Bush people are pissed off at the decision. He feels that the
decision of who is to be president should be decided by Florida state law, not the will of the
people. Well, at least this close race proves that every vote counts. Unless
you didn't quite punch the hole all the way through. In which case, it gets
thrown out.
On having a spine... 3/11/02
I did it! I googled McSugarBoobs and I found her! I knew the stalking skills
would pay off in the long run. And she wrote me and said her name was Karen, as
the caption in the picture indicated also, but all through college I swear I
called her Katharine. Folks, if I get your name wrong, please stand up for
yourself. I won't feel embarrassed or humiliated or anything. I'm a big boy and
I can handle making a mistake. But to sit there and let me call you the wrong
name for like 3 whole years has got to be either some sort of joke that you are
playing on me or a clear indication that you are deaf.
On Valentines Day... 2/16/98
I don't knock Valentine's Day as a national holiday, but I have to question a
few things about it. Does anybody else find it disturbing that those little
candy hearts that used to say stuff like "Be mine" and "You're
cool" now say things like "You suck," "Fuck off," and
"Stop following me around, you pink hatted bastard!"?... And why are
they all of a sudden written in pen too?
Rating countries that border the US...
6/11/02
Mexico - The most common
thing that people have to say about Mexico is that you shouldn't drink
the water. Every time you go on vacation. "Don't drink the water."
Don't drink the fucking water?! Are you serious? Can the Mexicans drink the
water? I don't think I could live in a place where I couldn't drink the water.
It's a pretty important ingredient in every food I make. I think I might be
able to survive in a country where it wasn't a good idea to eat the maraschino cherries,
but water? So unless you enjoy dysentery, I guess it's not a great place to be.
No wonder they're all trying to flee across the border. D
On stupid acronyms... 9/29/00
I don't read many things that make me bust out in laughter out loud. Like every
time I chat on the internet and I type LOL, I'm really not. But L is kinda
boring and I don't think I'm ready to start a new acronym that means laughing,
but not really all that loudly. And who the hell rolls on the floor during an
internet chat?
Making fun of Mikey... 7/12/02
"Sorry I'm late, but it would be really funny if we were late to a movie
called 'Insomnia' because I overslept."
-Yelnick McMikey
You should have heard his excuse for when we were late for "Dick."
On cutting my own hair... 10/4/99
Well, if I ever tell any of you on this list that I'm going to try to cut my
own hair, just simply say to me "Wait, Dustin. You remember what happened
last time, don't you?" Last Tuesday, I decided to forego the expensive of
having an actual barber cut my hair and do it myself. I think by the time I got
it down to within 1/2 an inch of complete baldness, it was finally even. I
think if I decide to forego the cost of a professional again, I'm going to at
least try to see if I can find somebody who's done it before to do it. Or at
least somebody moderately artistic or female. Hell, if you're hands aren't
shaking uncontrollably and you can see the back of my head, you'll do a better
job than I did.
Rating the US time zones...
11/28/00
Central - As time zones go in the US, this one is fairly acceptable.
It's the largest one in the country due in large part to Texas,
but it does split the Dakotas and Nebraska
in half with the Mountain Time Zone, which is pretty fucked up. B
Pacific - The Pacific time zone only takes up 4 states and a small part of Idaho. Very
underachieving. It's our smallest time zone and I think I know why. People have
to wake up at like 8 in the morning on a Sunday to watch football. Who the hell
wants to do that? And I was over in Portland
during a Monday Night Football game and midway through the 4th quarter, it was still
light out. I just couldn't live like that. Then again, I wouldn't need to stay
up until 3am just to watch Moonlighting. C-
On Appalachian State University... 10/7/96
...Anyway, I was talking to Kevin, my friend from home who goes to school at
Appalachian State University. And if you don't know where that is, it's because
it's surrounded by trees for 8000 miles in each direction. It looks almost like
they were flying an entire college campus from Boston
to Miami and
dropped it in a forest and figured 'fuck it, we'll get it later.
Rating career moves for celebrity boxing participants... 3/13/02
Paula Jones - She was filling in for Amy Fisher, who they wouldn't let out of
jail for the fight, and I'm not kidding. Not that the turning her head away and
walking backwards technique isn't her best chance at surviving, but it didn't
make for the greatest show. I take that back, yes it did. It was kinda funny
watching Tonya Harding bang her from behind while she ran all around the ring.
Kinda like life in the oval office. B-
Tonya Harding - This event screamed Tonya Handing from the second I heard of
it, right before it came on. Of course she was going to kick Paula's ass and
everybody knew it. She did not disappoint. And she didn't need a crowbar and a
couple thugs to do it. At least Paula wasn't screaming "Why me?!" the
whole damn time. A+
On catering to everybody... 12/25/99
Well, Merry Merry (fill in appropriate holiday) to all of you out there. I hope
your (appropriate holiday) was just as (fun/God-worshipping/I didn't drop a
piece of ham on my blouse again (circle one)) as mine. I trust your family was
just as (excited to see you/fun to be around/thank God Uncle Louie didn't show
up drunk again) as mine and that they got you (exactly everything you
wanted/more stupid socks/the same CD they got you last year). I really enjoyed
seeing my family, but I think my favorite part of my break was seeing friends
that (I haven't seen since high school/I never liked in the first place/aren't
getting as good grades or as much money as me/all of the above). At any rate, I
need to go now, but I hope you had a happy (appropriate holiday) and I hope
that y2k doesn't (crash your PC/shut off your water supply/stop the rotational
inertia of the earth).
On receiving a television from my best friends... 2/13/98
You guys are AWESOME!!! That was the coolest thing that's ever happened to me
in my entire life. If I could take all of you and fit you into one gorgeous
woman, I'd give you a BIG sloppy kiss and have my way with you several times on
the plywood scaffolding (that's a compliment). I mean, if I could take all of
your limbs individually and separate them from your body, and melt them down
into one tiny little gummi worm, I'd eat it slow as I possibly could just so I
could savor the taste (I'm not sure what that was).
Critiquing Memento... 3/15/02
Anyone willing to accept this will enjoy the film like no other, unless you
watch it with Mike or this guy Dan from my bowling class.
But when all is said and done, they're just tiny little pricks that shouldn't
take away from the enjoyment of the film.
The storyline is not without its cluster of pin-sized holes, small onto
themselves, yet numbered enough to let a little light come through.
I spent a lot of time studying Guy Pearce's pictures and the tattoos all over
his arms, legs and chest and let's face it, the guy has a nice body.
I didn't want to have to go home and jerk myself around, beating on my head
after this movie was over.
But it was really hard.
And I really wanted to.
From that second on, it was like a 4 dimensional timed puzzle I had to try to
put together.
On living with a kitten... 4/29/99
I don't think I told you guys this as a big collective group yet, but we now
have a kitten. My roommate's girlfriend's parents decided it was a good idea to
burden me with wildlife at this point in my life. This thing is wild too! It's
traditionally really good about not clawing people's skin, but if it tries to
jump up on your leg and starts to fall, it's no holds barred. Every cat for
themselves. It's fallen from the height of my leg many times before, I don't
know what it's scared of. Hell, I've thrown it at least 10 feet in the air
across the room against the wall before and it didn't even limp. Hell, it
didn't even move. And it did, even after impact, land on its feet. You know,
they say that cats always land on their feet when they fall or when you throw
them. Well, I figured out that so do dogs. And gerbils. And fish. It's just
that we see cats land on their feet more often because it is necessary to throw
cats around, whereas dogs, gerbils, and fish will listen to you. All you have
to do is hit the dog once and say "NO!!" real loud and he'll get the
idea from then on not to do whatever it was he did. He also learns what the
word "no" means really fast. Not cats. He needs to jump on my lap to
try to help eat my cereal, and he still does it every freakin day. And
everyday, I punt him across the room into the wall. Damn thing doesn't learn.
I'll bet modern psychology would turn 180 degrees if Pavlov had cats instead.
People say dogs are dumb, but this kitten refuses to learn this stuff, despite
it's many flights across the dining room against her will. And it comes right
back for more. This dude has no fear. I don't know why there are so many terms
associated with cats being scared. Fraidy-cat... Scaredy-cat... Pussy.
***********************************************************************
If I was ever having a slow week and struggling to find something humorous to
write about, there have always been two subjects in which my hardships in those
areas of my life would cause laughter and joy to the greater public. One of
these areas is my constant battle with automobiles. I've gone through two Olds
Cutlasses in two years. I had a window stuck down, the brake pads worn
completely off, and reverse just plain stop working. My cars have been broken
into twice, and I can't seem to even get rid of them without a hassle anymore.
Anyway, these next few quotes are going to be all car related for your
organizational pleasure.
On odd natural occurrences... 2/15/01
...Sometime last night, my driver side rear window imploded. As if that wasn't
enough, my ratchet set and about $2.45 in change managed to escape through the
broken window.
On rear wheel drive vehicles in the snow... 1/13/00
Well, it snowed. And mind you, I've never driven a rear wheel drive vehicle in
the snow before, so I was in for a treat. Stryker told me it would be
"fun." I guess he's talking about that kind of "fun" that
accompanies looks of terror and moments of panic as the back end of the car
begins creeping slowly and involuntarily toward the row of parked cars on the
right every time I try to make a left turn. They always tell you to turn into a
skid, which makes no sense to me. That's like telling a boxer to lean into a
left hook. But it works. Temporarily. What happens is that you regain control
of the vehicle, which is good. But you also happen to be under control going in
a direction you don't want to be going, possibly toward a group of parked cars
on the right side of a road. Which is bad. I haven't quite mastered the art of
not hitting parked cars, but I'll give you updates as I learn them. Actually,
my snow tires are kick ass. They're probably the coolest thing on there besides
the Extendo license plates. They look like they belong on a monster truck. They
have thick treads and illegal metal studs and everything (if you're a cop,
substitute the word "emergency" for "illegal"). Anyway, get
yourself a pair of those. I'm not so sure that they help, but they make your
car look bigger and badder than it did before.
On the comparison between car problems... 7/17/00
...The one advantage the non-reverse thing has over the non-window up thing is
exactly that. Dates. I could manage to go out on a date and not let on that my
car doesn't go in reverse. Especially if I scout out the place beforehand. The
toughest hurdle to clear is the parking issue. There are two options. One is to
make sure I get a pull-through spot. That way I can pull in and out without
needing the option of reverse at all. The other option is to park on an uphill.
That way I can use nature to make my car go the way it needs to but won't
otherwise. I'll just have to find creative answers to questions like "Why
are we parking so damn far away from the restaurant?" The third option is
to get her to push the thing. If that needs to happen, the gig is up. Not only
is it unromantic to get her to push the car while you steer, but it's an 84
Cutlass Supreme. They're pretty fucking big. "Hurry up and run around and
jump in while we have the momentum!" I'm definitely not getting lucky that
night. But the window down in the middle of November is a hard one to get
around. "I like freezing my ass off. I just assumed you would too."
"The wool hat is a fashion statement and it's just too damn hot in here
with it on. So are the gloves and the scarf." Didn't get lucky then
either.
Joe's thoughts on my missing brake pads... 10/19/00
He suggested I get this one fixed like really soon. And this is coming from one
of the only guys that agrees with me that reverse isn't a necessity on motor
vehicles. He started saying stuff like how if they get hot enough, they could fuse
together and lock up the tire and send me skidding into a wall or another car
or something. Now I'm probably scaring the crap out of my mother, so let me
just say that I'm not really going to skid into any walls or cars, ma. I think
I've calculated the point in which I would brake enough for this to happen, and
there's a nice soft guard rail on the 95 exit ramp. Besides, it's likely to
catch fire before any of this happens. ;) I'm actually afraid to hit the brakes
now. I no longer bother slowing down over speed bumps. It's not worth the risk.
And the decision between slowing down to park in a spot or ramming into a tree
to stop me is a lot harder to make than it was last week. Also, if there aren't
any cars parked on the road and I know I need to stop ahead, I just start
ramming it against the right curb and bump, bump, bump my way to a stop. I may
not be the smartest of the lot, but I learn how to adapt to car problems like
nobody's business.
Pros and cons on getting one's window stuck down... 11/9/98
I don't know if I told you guys this, but sometime in late September, I was
rolling down my window, and it got stuck about halfway down. Well, being the
intelligent, auto-knowledgeable guy, I figured that all I had to do to solve
the problem was press harder. That's approximately when I heard the really loud
metallic snapping noise. Then my window started to slowly sink down into the
door. I grabbed it to try to stop it, then realized that I'd have to hold it
open until somebody that knew more about cars than I did just happened to walk
by. Seeing as how I doubted this was going to happen, I figured "ah, it's
nice out. I'll just get it fixed sometime next week."
CUT TO:
November 9, 1998. It's been about a month and a half since the window has been
up, and it's starting to really become a factor. I'm going to share a few of
the pros and cons about having one's car window stuck down 24/7:
CONS:
The cold. This is the most obvious one, as I am constantly reminded every time
I get in the damn thing. I have to actually wear extra heavy clothing to
prepare to ride in my car. And I've started supplying blankets, parkas, and
earmuffs for any unfortunate passengers. Sure their window goes up, but it
doesn't help that the entire other half of the car is exposed to the freezing
cold Novemberness of the air. And that reminds me of another thing...
Dates: It's one thing to tell one of my good friends to suck it up and bring a
scarf and mittens or something, but it becomes a problem if I want to try to
ask a pretty girl that I don't know all too well. "Hey, baby. How bout we
goze ridin in my big blue tank o looooove? Oh, and make sure to dress warmly,
if ya know what I mean *wink*." I'm having enough problems as it is, I
don't need a faulty crank to count against me (don't even think what you're
thinking).
Rain: I'm reminded of this factor about three or four times every month. Not
only do I not have a driver's side windshield wiper, but I have an absentee
window now too. And it's still down there! I can hear it rattle every time I
shut the door, or go over a bump, or shift. It's in there teasing me, having a
grand ole time. Anyway, rain sucks. I have to lean all the way over toward the
middle of the car just to see, and then I've got to put a towel over my left
side (a towel is now a standard feature in my car) to keep from getting
drenched. I also try not to make right turns when not absolutely necessary. And
parking is a key issue. If I park it in the wide open, I'll come back and have
to get out my reserve towel just to slightly slow down the migration of the
water from the seat through my shorts, through my underwear, to my bare ass. My
cold bare ass, I might care to add, also. So I park in a garage whenever
possible (at Bennigans), and under trees, if a garage doesn't happen to be
around and the time. This, however, introduces a problem you might not think of
off the top of your head...
Autumn: Autumn has one major characteristic that distinguishes it from most of
the other seasons. This characteristic is actually how it got it's nickname,
"fall." This characteristic is that leaves change color and fall off
the trees that they had once thrived upon. I get in my car each morning with
about half of a maple tree waiting for me. I've started collecting the leaves
in hope to someday make my own tree in my trunk. I used to brush them outside,
but the following morning, I realized just how little that helps the overall
aesthetics of the car.
Safety: Thank goodness my car is a piece of shit to begin with. If it had any
redeeming qualities at all, somebody would have definitely stolen it by now.
And when most people leave their possessions in the passenger seat, or back
seat of the car if they have them there, I take them out and throw them in the
trunk. It's a pain in the ass, but you kinda get used to it. I think the
funniest thing is the accumulation of police safety warnings that I've been
getting. After the first two weeks, I think they gave up.
Dirt: Well, since I have no window, I can't really go through a car wash, can I?
Well, I suppose it's possible, but the implications of that kinda turn me off.
And seeing as how the alternative to needing to reupholster the entire interior
is just having a dirty f*cking car, I'll live with the dirt. Actually, I've
gotten in the habit of taking those windshield wiper things at gas stations and
going over the entire exterior. It turns out that not only does this not work,
but it is counterproductive to the cleanliness of the vehicle. I don't know if
any of you have tried to use Windex on cold metal before, but it streaks like a
drunk Ryan McMullin. So now my car has that icky soap residue in non-parallel
streaks all over the hood, and the roof, and everywhere else.
Self-image: I was driving down the road and looked out the window and saw a
carfull of cute girls staring at me. I thought I was the man, so I waved at
them. They proceeded to laugh and sped up to never be seen again. It was then
that I remembered that I was driving with the window down in 40 degree weather
and wearing a pink knit hat and a scarf. Man, I wish I had that minute back.
PROS:
I can never lock my keys in my car.
The windshield doesn't fog up as easily.
My window is already down at the drive-thru.
On finally getting a new car... 10/20/00
Well, I did it. I went out and bought a new car today. Well, not really
"new," but more like "different." Like for example, it
stops when you step on the brakes, and it probably goes backwards. I'm not sure
because I just instinctively pushed it out of the dealership. They looked at me
really funny. Anyway, it's a 94 Mercury... something. I forget. It's not
yellow. There was nothing yellow in my price range. It must be an expensive
color.
On drive-thrus... 2/11/99
I don't know if you guys heard about this, but there is talk of making the use
of cell phones in cars illegal. Now, I'm not a big advocate of accidents in any
capacity, but if we're going to outlaw something because it detracts too much
attention away from the actual turning and breaking of the vehicle, then we need
to start with something other than cell phones. Like drive-thrus. Now, I'm not
the most coordinated guy in the world, but I can quite easily hold a phone with
my shoulder and cheek if necessary. And I'm also talented enough to not have to
look into the receiver in order to trust that it's working. If you've been
keeping track, that leaves my eyes available to look down the road, my left
hand free to steer the car, and my right hand free to change the radio station
when that stupid "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" song comes on. However,
simple things like turning the car aren't as easy when you're trying to use the
pickle to scrape the onions off the top bun of your Big Mac. And you're bound
to drop a fry or two in the seat of your car that you won't be able to find
with your eyes on the road. And the fun doubles when you do all of this with a
McFlurry in your crotch. In short, I say we start at the source and ban
drive-thrus before we start with cell phones. Laptop computers and audio
workout tapes are also up there.
Rating shit that's happened to me in the past year... 3/5/02
Blown head gasket - On the plus side, I finally know exactly what happens. From
the possible causes down to how to replace them. This is at least the third
time that I've done this to a vehicle of mine, possibly the fourth. I've
actually lost track of how many head gaskets I've blown in my very short
driving career. Does this happen to anybody else out there? Why me all the damn
time? I've never heard of this happening to anybody until I did it the first
time, and now I've done it to three completely different types of cars. Do I
drive differently than everybody else out there? And since when do I have to
change my oil once every 3 years? F
Rating ways to get rid of a crappy car... 10/24/00
Set it on fire - I suppose that would also be fun, but I'm not really as much a
pyromaniac as I want to be, so it probably wouldn't be all that enjoyable. I'd
try to collect insurance off of that, but I don't think the bare minimum policy
allowed by the state of MD covers intentional fires. I'll check it out. F
Donate it to charity - Well, this has been the suggestion of at least 4 of you
via e-mail since I sent out my last message. Most charity places will tow it
away for free and give a $500-$1000 tax exemption thingy. Sounds like a good
idea, doesn't it? Well, this is what I did with the last car (Pimp-Mobile Jr.)
when I needed to get rid of him. The thing is is that I don't make enough money
to itemize my taxes which would be the only way I'd benefit from the tax
exemption thingy. Of course, there's the overwhelming feeling of good that I'm
overcome with when I donate a piece of shit car to the American Cancer Society,
because God knows they need one, but that's only worth a D. D
***********************************************************************
The other obvious direction I like to steer my mini-gripe sessions is toward my
dating life and/or my problems with flirting. And everybody knows how much I
love making a spectacle out of my incompetence (That was inCOMpetence. Don't
forget the COM). So here are the best of the perils of dating wisdom I have
accumulated in the last 9 years. Good luck.
On the difference in the sexes... 6/20/98
You know what guys? There is a significant difference between guys and girls.
OK, there are several. And I imagine there are some even I don't know about
yet. But here's one of them. Guys flirt because they like to be around a girl
they find attractive. Girls flirt to send signals. Guys have no idea what those
signals mean. Girls think guys are stupid. Guys are stupid. Girls are right.
On self-degrading realizations... 2/12/01
...See there's a not-so-affectionate term that some of us guys refer to as
"diving on the grenade." It can be more tactfully called being the
wing man. It's the guy that talks to the really pretty girl's... well,
not-so-pretty friend so his friend can talk to the pretty chick. It's a very
noble man that does this job proficiently. Well, this past Friday, I was the
grenade. I came to that realization fairly early but chose to ignore it.
Besides, we had hit it off pretty well despite the circumstances which could
have possibly led us to one another. So then I thought that maybe I wasn't
really the grenade, but it was just a coincidence. I can't tell if my initial
thought was the pessimist in me coming out or if the justification was the
optimist peeking through. At any rate, I'm willing to accept defeat again. It's
the damn Valentines Day curse. Cupid's got the arrows sharpened and pointed the
right way, but the tips are laced with cyanide.
On the psyche of females... 6/22/99
Well, the perks of my job just don't stop. I get to go to see Tarzan with 45
chicks tomorrow. I like my chances. And a lot of the older girls ask me why all
the younger girls like me, and I honestly don't know. I think it's just because
I treat them like normal adults. Tiny, stupid adults. Actually, I think I
figured it out. I think I unintentionally pit them against each other in
competition for my attention. It's probably not emotionally healthy, but it's a
damn fun game! Now, if only I can harness this talent, and somehow manipulate
the basics a bit to be able to control the minds of older women. Like 18 and 17
year olds. Then, I could complete my life and write that book. But for right
now, I guess I'll have to settle for the 9 and 10 year olds.
On my new class... 2/27/03
Well, I'm taking a class again. I forgot how annoying it was to have deadlines
and worries. But I figured hey, since I don't have to pay for it, I might as
well get some free stress on the government's dollar. Anyway, I showed up to
the first class and it was 16 women and me (counting the students, instructor,
and the girl bringing in the video equipment). I had mixed reactions about
that. The first one was the same reaction guys get when they find out they are
the only guy just about anywhere. It resembles the first scene of a lot of porn
flicks. The second, more realistic reaction, was to curl up into the fetal
position and pray we never started talking about driving, PMS, or things we
hate about the other gender. On a separate note, I noticed I bring up football
at least once a class for some inexplicable reason.
On morality... 6/24/98
...She has a boyfriend! What the hell is up with that? Am I really that stupid,
or are women just that inherently evil? You girls all suck. And not like in a
good way, either. And I really got the hint that she wouldn't mind cheating on
her boyfriend. And though on one hand I know it's wrong..., I could really be convinced
to have a premeditated moment of weakness. Maybe a few, if things really go
well.
On rating women's hair color... 1/16/01
Brunettes - Brunettes span the attractive woman superlatives. They can be cute
or sexy, pretty or exotic, Treat Her Right or Back That Ass Up. I guess blonds
can be too, and so can redheads too for that matter, but there's something
about Charlotte
from Sex & the City that just does it for me over the rest of them. Of
course, Miranda isn't really representing redheads that well. Anyway, brunettes
have that look in their eye like they've got it all together. I don't know what
I'm talking about. A
On the nature of woman... 7/20/99
I've said it before, but I love seeing children outsmart these
"adults" we have working for us. Especially when it shows signs of a
budding sarcastic bitter hatred for the world's supposed "humanity."
One of the 12-year-old girls in the older group is cheating on her
"boyfriend" from school with a 13-year-old junior counselor at camp.
And she shows no remorse for what she's doing. Apparently I've been giving
women a bad rap. It's not a conscious choice they make to be evil. It's
inherent in their DNA. Genetics is to blame and that's a losing battle, despite
what those Austin Powers penis pumps say on the label. If it wasn't for the
fact that men's DNA make them inherently blind to it, procreation of the human
race could be in serious jeopardy.
***********************************************************************
Three years ago, there was one particular incident that managed to
monopolize most of the rants I went on for at least an entire 6 months.
That incident would be my Achilles rupture. And though it was probably the
most pain and suffering I've ever had to endure in my life so far, I can
see how other people not experiencing that pain and suffering would think
that it's fucking hilarious. So here's a brief recount of my changed life
shortly after "the bad day."
Breaking the news... 8/23/00
Well, I know it's been a while, but I have got a big little bit of news for
y'all. I'll start by saying that it's going to make my parking situation a
whole lot harder. Among other things. Anyway, I guess when push comes to shove,
it was only just a matter of time when it comes to my body, but I finally did it.
The mother of all leg injuries. ACL? MCL? DSL? Broken leg? Severed patella?
Hyperextended big toe? Not even close. Anyway, I ruptured my Achilles tendon.
Completely. Like they told me to save my money on an MRI because it was all the
way gone... And I'm a little concerned about my other Achilles too. I remember
when one headlight in my car went out, the other died within a week. I hope the
human body is designed by people more competent than Ford. So how'd it happen?
Was I saving small children from a burning building? Was I shaving my legs with
a machete? Did I lose a bet? None of the above. I actually did it jumping in
the air. Something I've done an estimated 27 billion times before. I didn't
land wrong, I didn’t get kicked. Just jump, pop, ouch, bye bye tendon. And
everybody I talked to about my injury said that this type of injury was more
common to 35-40 yr old men, and I was possibly the youngest person some of the
doctors have ever first-hand seen with this injury. So what it takes normal
human beings at least 35-40 years to wear out, I've managed to get done in only
25 short years. Damn, I'm efficient.
On raising the bar... 8/31/00
I have reached a certain apex of self-pity. Just after my surgery, my mom took
me up to PA to mother me in my time of need. I was actually kinda upset she was
taking me away from my digital cable, MarioKart, cable modem, air conditioned
apartment with a bed to go all the way back home for a week, but she's my mom
and I love her, so I let her. She brought me food, played games with me and got
me stuff when I asked. There were spans of probably 24 hours when I literally
didn't leave the couch. It was necessary to recover, but boy was I glad to be
back to the life of luxury again. That is, until I found myself crawling across
the living room floor on my stomach with a plate of ravioli and a glass of milk
like a Marine under barbed wire. Even if nobody's around, it's a pretty
humiliating and humbling experience.
On going to the MVA in a car without reverse... 9/7/00
...I always feel nervous going to the MVA as it is. It's like driving into the
lion's den. No tags on the front of the car, no insurance (which has been
corrected mom), and I think I missed a vehicle emissions test sometime a while
ago too. And I'm not sure if it's law to have a car that goes backwards, but
it's probably not great that mine doesn't. They'd find something to write a
ticket about. So anyway, when I got back out to my car, there was a cop about
50 feet away, giving some lady in the middle of the parking lot a ticket. I
figured, I'd wait for him to be done, then I'd go. This must have been the most
complicated citation in the world. I can't even fathom what would have taken
them so long. They kept walking around the car inspecting it and pushing down
on the hood and the trunk and yelping like monkeys (OK, now I'm just making
stuff up). Anyway, I had to sit there for 50 minutes from when I got into my
car. People were driving by looking for a spot and asking me if I was leaving.
I'm like "No, I'm just gonna hang out here and read my magazine.
Sorry." I tried several times as discretely as possible to push the car
out with my opposite leg, but the car is very heavy, and "discrete"
was not the word to use to describe it. Some hot chick walked by during one
attempt, causing me to need to abort it. It was pretty embarrassing, but after
reading the "privileges of handicapped stickers and tags" pamphlet 3
times, you are willing to compromise pride for freedom. Needless to say, I
eventually got out. Even with the hot chick looking under her hood 3 cars down
from me. So in order to combat this problem, I think I may need to park at the
McDonalds across the street and crutch over to get my handicap parking
stickers. Which will enable me to park in an even closer spot I won't be able
to get out of. Life sucks.
On finally getting my handicapped sticker... 9/11/00
...But I finally got it. And I drove to school and turned into the upper deck
of the parking lot all proud and ready to whip it out and... ALL THE FUCKING
HANDICAPPED SPOTS WERE TAKEN!!! What the hell? Where's a handicapped guy gotta
park nowadays? So I had to park by the soccer fields again and crutch just as
far to work as usual, but now I have a useless piece of red cardboard to prove
that I shouldn't have to do that. Stupid UMBC.
On my doctor's medical competence... 9/26/00
Sorry to keep you all in suspense for so long, but I got the news back from my
doc. And I swear sometimes it seems like Laurel
and Hardy might as well be in the office working on my heel. I really don't
think they know what the hell they're doing in there. I mean I'm sure they know
their anatomy and passed the cutting up humans part of their medical exams, but
it's like a craps shoot figuring out what they're gonna tell me about my foot.
I mean they recognize my face, and I'm sure they've got a lot of patients, but
try to remember what you told me last week. Keep a chart or something. Plus
there's this fat guy with a Hitler mustache and a derby running around in black
and white getting into fine messes all the time.
On shopping with only one leg... 10/9/00
Well, I'm getting better now. In fact, I might be back in the shoe and walking
by the end of the month. This, of course, is my own personal assessment because
I've stopped listening to my doctor. And I'm still just not getting anything in
the way of sympathy dates. I don’t get it! I've even got a cute little blue dog
humping my crutch. I must not look pathetic enough or something. Or maybe I'm
just too cute that I'm unapproachable. It's probably one of those two things.
So before I get completely better, I need to squeeze in all the material I've
stocked up about me being injured while I'm still injured. For example... I
went to go get my antibiotics at Giant a few weeks back. I knew we were out of
milk and other things, and I had to wait half an hour for my medication anyway.
Apparently, taking 30 pills from a big bottle and putting them into a little
bottle isn't as easy as I thought. So anyway, I needed to get some stuff. I
would normally carry one of those hand baskets around and pile all the crap in
there. This is not so easy when you need your hands to walk. So I thought I
could just stick my bad foot on the push cart and use it like a skateboard. But
because I couldn't put any weight on my left foot, I put all my weight on my
arms, which were leaning on the handle of the cart when I pushed off with my
good foot. This caused the cart to flip over backwards in not so subtle a way,
which in addition to embarrassing the hell out of me, caused me a lot of pain.
I was in a really bad position here and I had definitely lost my chance with
any chicks in the relative vicinity. If Tony wasn't away for the week, I'm sure
there would already be milk and other eating products in the fridge anyway. But
relying on Russ to buy food for the apartment would mean I would eat smack
ramen noodles and Natural Light until I died or Tony came home. That's when I
saw the riding cart...
It seriously took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to use it. I had to
take the advice of a 12-yr-old kid who helped his grandpa operate one once, and
I'm really not kidding. And I didn't expect them to be like little racing
go-carts, but I could have crawled along the floor, pushing my 12 items or less
to the cashier a little bit faster. Having suffered enough embarrassment, I
opted not to crawl. Though it was embarrassing enough driving around with my
milk and Froot Loops in my cart, getting passed by two-legged walking people. I
started "accidentally" running into the bastards. And I ran into some
cute little freshman chick at the check out line who had seen me fall and asked
if I was OK and wanted to know if I needed help carrying my Froot Loops to my
car. So I told her to fuck off and to go patronize somebody who gave a damn. I
have another theory on why I don't get any sympathy dates.
***********************************************************************
*****************************************************************
***********************************************************************
Love, pink hats, and volleyballs,
Love, pina coladas, and the muppet dance,
An hour older, an hour dumber,
Dirty, hungry, tired, and late,
I kid because I loathe,
The man. The myth. The idiot.
Crutch fucked by the man,
Wet and swerving all over the place,
Playing near the snow drift of tactlessness,
Protector of the quotes,
Keeper of the Crickets,
Protector of the chicken thumbs,
Barely stupid enough,
Sniffing lots of pepper and wearing a helmet,
Desperately seeking brakes,
Wasting time with all the chat room yackers,
Anybody need a 12-foot parking space holder,
Identifying the cost of stupidity,
Licking the ceiling fan of torture,
A perpetual sleep deprivation experiment,
Faking an organism,
Praying to the patron saint of late computer art projects,
Single and probably doing it wrong,
Robbing, er uh... rocking the cradle,
Breaking the patterns of chaos,
Hot for student,
Chipping for bogie,
Shot clock violator,
Pointless guard,
A foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand,
Testing the boundaries of child abuse,
The guy with which you can up help the TV hook,
Love, Liberace, and the pursuit of hacky sacks,
Rook for a rook,
Wiping dirt off a surface,
Looking for the next best thing,
The walls have ears too,
Queen Bitch of the Banshees,
Running out of options,
Still crazy after all these years,
Nobody special today,
Not the man,
Meters to go before I sleep,
Meters to go before I sleep,
Nevermore,
Dustin.
Extendo.
De Fishy One.
Spastic Man.
Crutch.
Achilles Heal.
Screaming Cricket.
Wet Cricket.
Deflated Cricket.
Snowed-In Cricket.
Sneezing Cricket.
Camden Cricket.
Screaming Dustin.
Crippled Cricket.
Air Fisher.
Nipples.
Fathead.
Duckpin Dustin.
The Riddler.
Screams with Crickets.
Nitsud.
Fish.
The Extendinator XXIV.
Sir Mix-Just Barely-Enough.
Extenda-Poe.
Mr. Dustin.
Mr. Robinson.
Mr. Neutral.
Extendo-duck.
Crotch McFlurry.
Extendaclaus.
Mr. Cantaloupe.
Mr. Taxi.
Mr. Jungle Gym.
Bungle Nut.
Dumbstin.
Fun Solo.
Not-Not-Dustin.
Mr. Whistlehead.
Slim Gimpy.
Limp Daddy.
Mr. Glass.
Little Big Fish.
Grandmaster Quote.
Quote Daddy D.
Stressing Cricket.
The Quorax.
X.
Still Standing Right Here...
Still Understanding Right Here... (Conover)
Lying Down With A Wet Towel On My Leg...
not standing anywhere for 4-6 months...
Still Stranded Right Here...
I Can't Stand It...
I never sit down. I sleep on one leg...
***********************************************************************
*****************************************************************
***********************************************************************
The quote of the day (or QOTD as it's known on the streets) has a lot of
history behind it. I don't really keep a diary (because I'm a real man), but
you can pretty much piece together old QOTD's to figure out what I did my
entire college career and the first few years of my "professional"
career too. The quote saw me get an apartment, a car (sorta), a real job (even
more sorta), it saw me crash that car (definitely), it saw that car get broken
into, and it saw that car finally die, a new car be born, that car lose reverse
and brakes and finally die, a newer car be born, and to bring it full circle,
it saw that car get broken into. The quote traveled with us across the country
to LA, ventured down to Florida, and flew with
us to Scotland,
only to land back home inside the loop at UMBC. It has also witnessed me become
the victim of graduation. It's been there for me through all of my various
unlikely and likely injuries. It was there through all of my women problems
(and some of my women solutions), and it was there when you guys all e-mailed
each other behind my back to conspire to chip in and buy me a television. That was
the absolute coolest thing anybody has ever done for me. I truly thought that
when I first sent out that first quote that it might last the last three months
of the semester and that's all. I had no intention of spanning the globe from California to Thailand,
and from Alabama to Australia. And I definitely didn't
figure 168 people would want to get this thing once a day for the last nine
years (seven seasons). Well, apparently you do, and that puts all the more
pressure on me to keep it coming. This is the part of my e-mail where I
normally congratulate the recent graduates, but it's getting to be that more of
my friends are getting married than graduating. I suppose that's not a good
trend to notice. Anyway, congrats to John and Rachel for finally tying that
knot that you got tangled in back before the QOTD even started. And congrats to
Aaron who just got engaged a few weeks ago and I'm sure there are countless
others on here that I missed throughout the years now. Somewhere along the
line, even Proz got married to something. And then there's Nilles who goes out
and gets a PhD. But all this takes a back seat to the news of Dan's graduation.
Believe it or not, Dan actually received a degree from UMBC after only 10.5
years. Wow. SuperDave now has the longest non-graduation streak at 9 years and
running. So good luck to everybody out there getting married and graduating. Not
me. My life hasn't changed a bit in these last 10 years, as became glaringly
evident at my 10-year high school reunion. Except for some reason I keep aging.
Damn that shower!
***********************************************************************
So yeah. I'm getting old. I know it and everybody else knows it. Mind you, I
still feel young and act immature, so nothing has changed except what I have to
tell people when they ask how old I am. I turned 29 in January, so I figure I
have one good year left in me to party it up. Or at least one good year before
I have to start lying about my age. I think the part that really hurts is when
people compare each other's age based on how long they've known me. "Wow.
You remember when Dustin was still a student? You're old!" Where the fuck
does that leave me? Anyway, you learn to dye your hair, eat some ice cream and
get over it. Besides, I don't have much of a case. My sister and her boyfriend
were rolling through town in their RV a few months back at the same time I was
having my old man D league softball game, so I asked her to stop by and the
following conversation ensues between the two of them...
Quote of the
Day 3/3/04
Char:
"We're going to Dustin's softball game."
J-Me: "Don't you mean baseball?"
Char: "No, I mean softball. He's old."
And I'm not even good.
I hope it was worth the year of preparation. I'm gonna take the next year off
to give you time to read it.
Doing what I can for the people I love,
Dustin.
I know many people
Have stood where I stand.
I've been searching for years now
For just one honest man.
People tell me I can trust them
And then they'll play their little games.
Then I tell them I'll be faithful
And sometimes I act the same.
But I've tried and I've tried,
And I've lied and I've lied,
Still Standing Right Here...
-lyrics by Dustin Fisher
