Rating American Time Zones

American Time Zones

Central - As time zones go in the US, this one is fairly acceptable. It's the largest one in the country due in large part to Texas, but it does split the Dakotas and Nebraska in half with the Mountain Time Zone, which is pretty fucked up. B

Pacific - The Pacific time zone only takes up 4 states and a small part of Idaho. Very underachieving. It's our smallest time zone and I think I know why. People have to wake up at like 8 in the morning on a Sunday to watch football. Who the hell wants to do that? And I was over in Portland during a Monday Night Football game and midway through the 4th quarter, it was still light out. I just couldn't live like that. Then again, I wouldn't need to stay up until 3am just to watch Moonlighting. C-

Eastern - This is obviously the dominant time zone in the country. Everything is "Eastern time." 10:00 Eastern time, 8 eastern/7 central time, coming up except on the west coast... That's another reason I don't like the Pacific time zone. They always gotta be different. Also, "Eastern Time" has now turned commonly into "Eastern Standard Time," further supporting that dominant time zone theory. A

Mountain - I've had my problems with this damn time zone in the past, and they were for very justified reasons. They just don't care as much about times and schedules out there. They have states that just don't feel like setting their clocks back or ahead ever. That can really fuck up a couple long distance travellers trying to pick up somebody's sister from the airport. And I had to argue with Kevin for about 2 hours to finally convince him that there weren't 5 time zones in the continental US. Stupid Arizona. D+

The Wadfather was down here for a little bit over Thanksgiving Break. Russ, Tony, and I had the fortune of dining with him at Rocky Run before he left again for Boston. He was telling us that we should come up to visit him sometime. He mentioned a Pub that he goes to a lot. They have a dollar draft happy hour and they have Guiness, Bass, Magic Hat 9, Resurrection...

Quote Of the Day 11/28/00

"You had me at Guiness."

-Russ.


Don't even get me started on the International Date Line.

Too tired to think,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Why We Should Have a Queen

Why We Should Have a Queen

Well, they've finally reached a decision, and it looks like Bush is finally going to be our president. Oh, wait. No, they made the decision too quickly. This is now going in circles. It's insane. I think the winner is going to be the one who doesn't concede. Eventually, somebody's going to just give up, and the other one will become president, and will most likely be hated for the crap they put the nation through to get in there. I wonder what other countries think of us. "Dumb American fucks. That's why they should have a queen." So now Gore is pleading that they should go through and count all the votes in Florida, and Bush is complaining that the Florida state law says that they're not supposed to. And he's right. What the hell kind of law is against counting all the votes? This is why I don't vote. It's very discouraging. So Gore wants all the votes to be counted because he's losing. That's natural. And Bush wants them to stick to their word, their law, and concede the presidential race to him because they didn't count all the ballots in time. That stinks. I really don't have a strong feeling about either of these guys, but for Bush to come across basically saying that the will of the US citizens is not as important as what the Florida law says makes him sound like a bunghole. How will Americans be able to support this guy after that? And the Gore campaign claims that if they counted the partially indented ballots, that he'd probably be winning now. I guess Democrats just aren't as adept at punching holes. Whatever. I'm willing to bet that whoever it is that will finally be our president will only be there for one term. Unless of course, Dukakis runs again.

I went back home to spend this past weekend with some old friends in PA. As usually happens, we wound up playing this game which greatly resembles Scattegories, but instead of categories like "Boys name," and "things that are black," we have categories like "Bad pick up lines," "stupid animals and an explanation why," and "euphemisms for genitalia and/or sex." Well, one of the categories was "Fake Onion Headlines," and for those of you who don't know, the Onion is a farce of a news magazine with articles both in print and online such as "Dallas Receiver Arrested For Failure To Possess Cocaine," and "80 Billion Tons Of Jar Jar Merchandise Now 70 Percent Off." Anyway, the letter was P and here was Good Joe's Onion Headline...

Quote Of the Day 11/27/00

Presidential Race Finally Over, Bush To Become President For Remaining Year and a Half of Term

-Good Joe


It could happen.

Not necessarily the news,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Aspects of the Holidays

Aspects of the Holidays

Cookies - This is probably one of the best aspects of Christmas there is. Everywhere you go, people are offering you cookies and making cookies for you. It's gotta suck for people trying to watch their weight because they can't escape the endless torture that this cookie making holiday hell imposes upon them. But for the rest of us, eat on! A

Presents - Well, this is a two-edged sword. Unless you don't care what other people think of your gifts or of what you get. I think it's cool to get a nice gift every once in a while, but I think I stress out too much around the holidays about whether or not my Aunt is going to appreciate thoroughly the Espresso machine made in the shape of Paul Reiser's head. And it turns out that grandma doesn't listen to gangsta rap anymore either. And God forbid you forget anybody. But it is cool getting shit you want but wouldn't pay for. B+

Vacation Time - This is the single greatest thing about this holiday. Everybody has off. Schools and all other businesses. Schools are lucky enough to have off the entire week between Christmas and New Years. That's an awesome break to relieve some tension between summers. The students do however, have to worry about finals all the way up until the actual holiday on occasion. But if you're lucky enough to work at a college, you get the best of both worlds. A+

Family - Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family get together, and the kids are great. But on the flip side, I get "So, are you seeing anybody? Why not? Is something the wrong with you? What ever happened to old what's her name? I know somebody you'd like." No you don't, grandma. And even if you did, it doesn't work that way anymore. We have no cattle to trade her family. And I don't have a farm that would require a child to plow it anyway. But I can handle that. It's when they lapse back into "So, when are you getting a real job? Did your parents bust their ass so you could become a flag football referee?" that I can't stand. I'm sure they're interested, but nothing's going on and I'd rather not talk about it. But you can't say that to them or it's considered rude, or so I found out on Thanksgiving 98. B

One of my secretaries (I have several) was telling us today how her dog chased her cat up into her tree. We thought this was moderately amusing until she mentioned it was her Christmas tree. That's really funny. I can picture ornaments flying off, tinsel getting stuck all over the cat's fur and in its paws. She didn't have to call the fire dept thankfully, but between the pine needles and the unhappy bitch cat, she required 13 stitches. Anyway, she was telling this story to my boss and myself, among others, to which my boss replied...

Quote Of the Day 11/19/00

"That's why I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a tree."

-Boss Man G.


Of course, he's Jewish. That event would likely start a 3 alarm fire in his house.

Going home for Christmas,

Screaming Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

It's Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

It's Election, Boogie Woogie Woogie

Well, it seems like a decision has finally been made about the presidency. Again, we don't matter, only Florida matters. Well, the Florida Supreme Court has decided to let the recount last until Sunday, at which time, a final number ABSOLUTELY MUST be reached. So if they don't count your vote before Sunday, then it doesn't get counted. That sounds about fair. The Bush people are pissed off at the decision. He feels that the decision of who is to be president should be decided by Florida state law, not the will of the people. I'm really getting annoyed at this whole process. I think we should just put it off another year. Clinton did pretty good with the country in the past 8 years. We're off the ground and in the air. Let's just let er coast for a year, and then we'll sort all this mess out. Besides, what did our forefathers know about the length of a presidential term? A lot of new crap has happened since that damn Constitution was written. Washington chopped down a cherry tree and couldn't tell a lie, and Clinton shoved a Cuban up Monica's (insert your own vaginal euphemism) and redefined the age old word "is." I'm kinda sick of all this legal garbage. Both sides are starting to look like sore losers. They both remind me of soccer coaches that blame the ref for their loss after the game is over. Whine, whine. And now those poor Floridians have to spend all weekend counting these chad things. "No thanks, that's enough turkey for me. I have to go back to the office and count those tiny fucking pieces of cardboard for the rest of the weekend. Save me some cranberry sauce." Well, at least this close race proves that every vote counts. Unless you didn't quite punch the hole all the way through. In which case, it gets thrown out.

Kevin (my idiot friend that not only moved to Portland, but got married in the process) called the other day to tell me his plans for the trip home this Thanksgiving and also to thank me for the George Foreman Grill Mike and I got him for the wedding. Anyway, he went on to say how much he uses the thing, and the following conversation ensued...

Quote Of the Day 11/17/00

Kev: "Yeah, it works great. It was the first gift we actually used when we got back."
Me: "Cool. It cooks fast, doesn't it?"
Kev: "Yes it does. Our food was ready so fast, we weren't even hungry yet."


I must have mistakenly got him the one with the back to the future knob.

Done with the word "elector" for another 4 years,

Lord Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

Negative Hour Man

Negative Hour Man

Well, I finally found out why the car I bought cost $1000 less than every other car in the lot. I have hit every combination and sequence of buttons possible and still can't turn the damn clock back an hour. I knew I shoulda waited another 3 weeks to buy the thing. So now I'm constatly doing math trying to figure out what time it is in the car. That math being subtracting 1 from the hours column, but it's still math. So I'm just gonna have to live with the math for another 5 1/2 months. That, and the car won't start when it's under 40 degrees. I'm naming the car Buccaneer. (Only really nerdy football guys will get that one.)

So anyway, Tony and me and probably somebody else or two went out to Bennigans a while back and I ordered the Buffalo Shrimp, which was common to me, as I've worked there for a while, but Tony had never heard of it...

Quote Of the Day 11/16/00

"Buffalo Shrimp? What's that, like Doug Flutie on a bun?"

-Tone-Sarcastic


They mock because they're jealous. And because the guy's really freakin short! I can't believe his mom let's him play football.

Always an hour ahead,

Negative Hour Man.


Still Standing Right Here...

Rating Days of the Week

I know I haven't done this in a while, but here are the Tuesday ratings for this week.

Days Of the Week

Saturday - Most Saturdays are spent trying desperately to get over a hangover so I can go out drinking again at night. My make or break point is usually around 7. If I still have a headache at 7, it's down time day. And the cool thing about Saturday is that you can do that crap. When you roll into work on Tuesday with a hangover, the day is not nearly as forgiving. A

Monday - This used to be the worst day of the week, because it was a cruel reminder of responsibility and a wake up call to the tune of Real Life singing "The Fun's Over Meathead, Get the Fuck Up." I hear that song about 4 or 5 times every morning in 9 minute intervals. But the night makes the day worthwhile. It has two of the greatest TV programs ever. Boston Public and Monday Night Football. That's right. Wrestling isn't even in the top 2 best shows on Monday night. Anyway, it makes up for the delirious funk I muddle through to make it to 8:00. B+

Thursday - Now this one is confusing. It was part of the weekend when I was in college, but it really isn't for people in the working world. Mind you, this is for people with real jobs like Mike and other people. I work, but part time. And at a college. So I'm really confused. But for other working persons, Friday is still an 8 hour work day that starts at 8 or something like that. Thursday is confusing now. And wrestling is on again. C-

Sunday - No other sport completely monopolizes a day like football does to Sundays for 17+4 straight weeks. And I LOVE IT! I drag myself out of bed at 11:00 to watch the pre-game shows and usually don't leave the recliner unless (with the exception of getting food) until about midnight. I fall asleep during halftime of one game and wake up during halftime of another game. It's a guy's bliss. And there's usually no wrestling to contend with. Awesome! A+

I actually learned this weekend that Philadelphia is last in the league at calling the coin toss to begin the game, having only gotten it right 2 out of the 11 games they've had. I think I watch too much football. I was talking to Russ about all the fantasy players I was trying to get on my team. I don't think I'd be able to afford them all and neither did he...

Quote Of the Day 11/14/00

"You're gonna have to start giving your players signing bonuses in order to fit them under the cap."

-Russ


I have two players holding out for higher salaries as it is. I hope I don't have to involve the lawyers like last year.

Living a fantasy,

Extendo.


Still Standing Right Here...

The Real Job Search

The Real Job Search

Well, everybody. Today is a landmark day in the life of one of my good friends. Today, Lance McMikey Chaka Khanover actually started a "real job," that doesn't include serving fish to old Jewish people. At least not in as far as he's described it to me. In fact, he's working 8-4 and he gets benefits and sick days and lunch hours any everything. This milestone is especially important because Mike used to be the only friend I had who was possibly less motivated than myself when it came to getting a job. Now he's gone and upstaged me. I don't have sick days. I just have days where I don't come in. I guess it's like the same thing. Same with vacation. I just tell Gary I won't be around next week. But not Mikey. He got a real job. Even realler than the one I have now. But I'll bet he can't red card people on a regular basis. I might not get health insurance, but I have my own "benefits." About a year ago, I went out with Mike and tried to talk him into getting out of Red Lobster. Like, working there, not like he was stuck in the building or anything. Anyway, I tried the old "no chick is gonna wanna be with a fish servin lackey" bit. He didn't bite. He told me he was "looking for a job." I said "Mike. You're not talking to your parents here. I know what 'looking for a job' means. Now what exactly were you doing to try to find a job?"

Quote Of the Day 11/13/00

"Well, I'd spend about 45 minutes on Monster.com typing in stuff about newspaper entry level positions... and then I'd play Civilization for about 8 hours."

-Yelnick McFreelander


I told you guys he was unmotivated.

Still looking for that "real job,"

The Extendinator.


Still Standing Right Here...

Achilles and the Perspiration

Achilles and the Perspiration

Thursday marked the 3 month anniversary of the bad day. And I did something that Thursday that I don't think I've done since it happened. I actually sweat. I know it sounds pretty trite to brag about perspiration, but it took me by surprise. I was peppering around with Rich when I looked down and realized I was sweating. It was a milestone in my recovery stage. I'm excited. I'm actually trying to find other ways to sweat. If any of you know any redheaded volleyball chicks, tell them I'd like a little help with this new stage of physical therapy. In fact, they don't even really need to play volleyball. Or have red hair. The chicks part is mandatory though.

Speaking of volleyball chicks, our girls club team is playing in a tournament at JMU this weekend. They left this morning at 4:30am to get there. That's pretty damn early. They were talking about it at practice on Tuesday and one of the girls asked if somebody would make sure she was awake on time...

Quote Of the Day 11/10/00

"You mean kinda like a wake up call? What do you think this is? A Holiday Inn?"

-Bach


From out of nowhere some old lady started cracking up.

3 months down, 3 to go,

Sweating Cricket.


Still Standing Right Here...

Florida's Worst

Florida's Worst

Hold the phone!! There's a red flag on the field. What the hell happened?!? I went to bed and we had a president and I woke up and we didn't. Who figured that going to bed at 3:30 was too early? I guess the people at CNN just wanted to go to bed at that point too. Well, if that's the case, I'm glad they're recounting everything. I'd hate to have our fate for the next four years sealed because reporters and election officials were getting too tired. And to all you Bush/Cheney fans out there who think the Democrats are being sore losers, I say let's take the extra week and not fuck it up. And I think I heard something about how the electoral vote can be swayed if the popular vote favors the other candidate. If this is the case, then why don't we just say fuck the electoral vote system and just go with the popular vote? But I'm probably misunderstanding something.

So for those of you who live in a darkened cave or have been trapped under something heavy with all sources of external stimuli off, here's the presidential race throwdown as explained by the definition of a layman: The man who will lead us for the next four years, direct our country into the new millennium (whether you believe my reasoning or not), our executive role model for the next tenure, will be chosen by 19,000 residents of Palm Beach County, Florida. We no longer matter. We're done. The only people that matter anymore are the voters of Palm Beach, Florida. Not just any 19,000 voters, but the stupidest 19,000 residents who were too dumb to fill out the ballot properly. These are the citizens who will choose our leader. 19,000 old Jewish ballot filling out fuck-ups. Apparently, there were way too many votes for Pat Buchanan of the Nazi party that somebody figured something had to be wrong. So Palm Beach, Florida will probably revote. I wouldn't be surprised if Dan Marino became our next president. Well, OK. It's still just between Gore and Bush. I hope if they revote that nobody votes for Nader either. They know it won't matter. His name on the ballot might as well have been Neither, because that's pretty much what a vote for him was. So the world's got to wait for Palm Beach to decide what they're gonna do. I think it's funny that Oregon is also still undecided, but nobody gives a shit. Fuck Oregon. It rains too much there anyway.

I'll tell you one thing about this presidential debacle. It's made it more interesting to watch. It's like a game. My team's ahead, my team's behind. It's a close one, we'll have to go to the replay. It's still too close. May go into overtime. I was talking about the race with a friend of mine, and he agreed that it was a hell of a contest to watch...

Quote Of the Day 11/9/00

"Don't get me wrong, it's no Monday Night Football, but it's still pretty exciting."

-Matt (Lordsoccer)


Sad as it is, I think I'd watch Monday Night Football if it were on against the election coverage. Until Gore bounces a ball on his helmet and shoulderpads and still pulls it off the ground and runs for a touchdown in overtime, I'll take my chances with Dennis Miller and gang.

Florida's best,

Mr. Dustin.


Still Standing Right Here...

Review of "Unbreakable"

Review of "Unbreakable"

I haven't done this in maybe 6 or 7 months, but I used to do a movie review every Friday. Now that I've found out that we get free pay-per-view for some lucky reason, I don't think I'll run out of material. Anyway, I saw the new M. Knight Shyamalan flick with Bruce Willis that might as well have been the sequel to Sixth Sense. It's not a sequel, in case I've confused anyone, but I was looking forward to a really good movie again, being as though these two teamed up to make my favorite movie of all time last year. So I went in with impossible expectations. Here's what happened:

I liked it. A lot. But I can't tell you why. I can't really tell you anything about the film without giving it away. It can be slow and plot developing in parts, but it's worth not sleeping through those parts to watch the other parts make a lot more sense. A lot of you will like it and think it's really awesome. A lot of you will be bored and probably not get unbored. But I can't say anything about the film without letting one or two cats out of the bag. The trailer, which is pretty much the first 5 minutes of the film, sums it up pretty good. Train Wreck. Everyone's dead but Bruce. He's miraculously unharmed. Samuel L. Jackson has a bad haircut. Weird.

I still recommend you all see it. I saw it the first two nights it came out and I'm ready to go again. In fact, I'd be willing to buy the ticket of anyone who wants to go see it again. However, I would require that you buy my ticket. I'm not made of money. I guess that would be like going double dutch. Anyway, the film is still awesome, possibly perfect, but not quite worthy of extra buggage (Sixth Sense got 11 bugs). I am, however, giving it the full 10 bugs. Oh yeah. It's that good.

I don't know if I ever told all you people this, but when me, Mike and Kevin travelled across the country, Mike and I wound up picking up chicks on two separate occasions. Well, Kevin was becoming antsy and insisted that the next chick we meet, he should be allowed to have first dibs on her, because it was "his turn." Well, he's married now. We were joking about that on the phone the other day about how he finally got a turn...

Quote Of the Day 11/8/00

"Marriage isn't a turn... It's a forfeit."

-Kevin DeForrest Hershey


Still Standing Right Here...

A Bush and a Dick

A Bush and a Dick

So we have a new president finally. It's about friggin time. The last election I actually watched coverage of was Bush-Dukakis and I was in bed by 8:00. And once again, it looks like we'll have a republican president, senate, and house of reps. You guys did not do a good job of spreading my rumor. Oh well. We have a new pres for the next 4 years, even though the popular vote could still go either way. I still don't know how that electoral vote thing works exactly. Tony tried to explain it to me and it probably sounded like when I tried to explain the quarterback passer rating system to Suzanne. All I know is that Florida was the key (no pun intended). And it took them until 2:fucking:30 to make a decision. And George Dubya is Florida's favorite, so we have to live with him and Dick for the next four years. And this officially gives Clinton a place in history between two bushes. He always seemed like more of a breast man.

Speaking of boob men, I went to watch the girls soccer club team play a game this past weekend. One of the girls took a shot right in the boob with the ball. Jason Corns (ghost of quote past) made a comment to the effect of that the word Nike was probably tattooed across her boobs now. I told him that she actually only got hit in the left boob, and within a minute, she took one in the right boob. We estimate that probably left a swoosh mark. How scary would that be if you went out with that girl at night and got to second base and saw that...

Quote Of the Day 11/7/00

"Wow! Your boobs are sponsored!"

-Jason


I just noticed that we now have a bush and a dick in the white house. It just gets funnier and funnier. I've always preferred bush to gore anyway.

Done with the puns,

Senator Quorax.


Still Standing Right Here...

Don't Rock the Vote

Don't Rock the Vote

So tomorrow is the day. The day where everybody can pretend that they actually have a say in who is going to lead our nation for the next four years. I mean, I'm sure on one hand every vote counts and stuff, but on the other hand, I'm a pretty busy guy, and I mean really, how much am I gonna sway the vote? If the guy I want to win loses by one popular vote, then I'll kick myself for the next four years and vote in 2004, but I'm not really that influential a person. I couldn't even get Doug Flutie on the NFL all-star ballot again this year. Besides, I'm voting for Mickey Mouse and he loses every year. And on yet a third hand, I haven't been following the political race at all. Maybe I really should be, but it falls right smack in the middle of football season. I know how little I know about these clowns running for president, and I hope people like me aren't voting. My vote would be based on George Dubya's mispronunciation of sublinable, and that really shouldn't be enough. I'm gonna let the smarter people vote. Problem with that is that the smarter people also tend to be the richer people. Or at least the ones that care enough about our future to watch debates and stuff. It's a responsibility thing. And the candidates know this. They do what they gotta do to get elected. So they cater to the haves instead of the have nots. Who do you thing funds their campaign? Poor people? And this is why our nation is so top heavy. But like I said, I haven't been following the race at all. Good Joe told me he thought Gore had a good plan for education, and that's good enough for me. In my opinion, that's where we need to start. We're so gung ho on the new technology that we've let our education system go to shit. Maybe if we stopped paying our teachers like the guy second in charge of the McFlurry machine, more decent teachers would pop up, and there wouldn't be such a teacher shortage. Who wants to go to college to become a $32/year teacher when you can make $70 in an entry level data entry position for some startup.com company? I don't know. I'm tired and cranky and should have been in bed hours ago. Damn Moonlighting. It comes on later every night I think. Anyway, go vote. Actually, I just heard that because there are so many people voting this year, that they are having all the democrats vote on Tuesday and all the Republicans vote Wednesday. Make sure you tell everybody.

Quote Of the Day 11/6/00

Dad: "Dust, I need a loan."
Me: "Alright dad. I'll leave you alone."


I hope that's what he meant.

Don't rock the vote, baby,

Extendo-duck.


Still Standing Right Here...