Achilles Healed

Achilles Healed

The gig's up. I'm no longer on crutches or in a cast. I'm walking again. It's a little bit upsetting. I kinda miss the crutches. People felt sorry for me. I got some respect. Actually, I guess it was really just pity, but it could be confused for respect at times. Anyway, now I'm just limping around with a little brace on. It's cool to walk again, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of people asking me if I sprained an ankle. "No, I ruptured my Achilles tendon." "Oh, really? I think I did that once." The hell you did, ass face. People don't get out of my way anymore when I try to walk through a door or anything. I'm no longer a cute crutch boy the girl at the check-out line feels sorry for. Now I'm just a sorry gimp with a semi-permanent limp. Not nearly as easy to pick up chicks this way. I think I'm just a little annoyed that people no longer appreciate the severity of my injury. Not that I want people to appreciate my injury, but when that's all you got going for you, you want... well, I guess that is what I want. I'm sick of people passing me on the stairs or kicking the back of my foot and not really knowing just how bad it feels. And I want chicks. Or at least one. A cute one. With money.

I don't know if many of you are paying attention to baseball now, but the Os just signed Cal Ripken "Jr." to a one year $6.3 million deal for the upcoming year. I was sitting around with Isaac watching this story unfold on Sportscenter last night...

Quote Of the Day 10/26/00

"My God. He's stealing money!"

-Isaac


Well, how else are you gonna get fans in the seats to watch such a shitty team?

It's all about the Benjamins, baby,

Crutch X.


Back to Standing Again...

Rating Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Ways to Get Rid of a Crappy Car

Sell it - I can't remember if I actually tried to back up the last car I bought out of an ad in the newspaper. It probably didn't even cross my mind to check it out because I would assume that every car in the world would have it. So it's possible that I could con some unsuspecting victim into buying the thing for a few hundred bucks, if they neglected to check that feature out during the test drive. And they never needed to come to a complete stop. But even as much of a prick as I am, I don't think I could live with myself in good conscience. F

Fix it up and sell it - I suppose I could go get the $300 brakes fixed up and the $800-$1400 backwards problem fixed and try to sell it to somebody. But would anybody buy that car for around $1300? I did, but I don't think I'm going to find any other takers as stupid as I was. At most, I could probably sell that car for about $800. So basically, I don't think the car as a whole would be worth any more than the transmission I would need to fix it. F

Roll it down a hill into a pond - I'd definitely have a "throw the car into the pond" party for all those willing to risk getting caught by John Q. Law. But even if I found the VID# on the engine block (I think that's where it is) and filed it off, it's still probably just not good for the environment. It's bad enough for the environment on solid ground. Along the same lines as that is joy riding down a steep hill with no brakes and no reverse and playing chicken with whatever is at the bottom of it. But that's also very stupid and life endangering. F

Set it on fire - I suppose that would also be fun, but I'm not really as much a pyromaniac as I want to be, so it probably wouldn't be all that enjoyable. I'd try to collect insurance off of that, but I don't think the bare minimum policy allowed by the state of MD covers intentional fires. I'll check it out. F

Donate it to charity - Well, this has been the suggestion of at least 4 of you via e-mail since I sent out my last message. Most charity places will tow it away for free and give a $500-$1000 tax exemption thingy. Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? Well, this is what I did with the last car (Pimp-Mobile Jr.) when I needed to get rid of him. The thing is is that I don't make enough money to itemize my taxes which would be the only way I'd benefit from the tax exemption thingy. Of course, there's the overwhelming feeling of good that I'm overcome with when I donate a piece of shit car to the American Cancer Society, because God knows they need one, but that's only worth a D. D

Quote Of the Day 10/24/00

Tonedef6: I saw two best picture nominees for the first time today
Tonedef6: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can guess which two
MJConover7: Citizen Kane and Titanic.
Tonedef6: maybe I should have clarified...nominees this year
MJConover7: Gladiator......and Perfect Storm.
Tonedef6: you're really bad at this


He's really bad at a lot of things, actually.

Anybody need a 12-ft parking spot holder,

Limp Daddy.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Stop Signs, Rumble Strips and Nuts

Stop Signs, Rumble Strips and Nuts

Well, they finally did it. I know I wrote last year that UMBC would start putting up stop signs on sections of road without intersections. Well, it finally happened. Except they weren't content with just picking out a section of straight road and putting up a stop sign there. Instead, they took an already existing intersection that previously had no stop sign, blocked off the only road you could turn onto, and then put up a stop sign. Picture a T intersection in which you could drive along the top of the T and turn onto the stem. Well, they put up a barrier so nobody can get into the stem now, and put up a stop sign along the top where the stem used to be on the same day. So now we have to stop for absolutely no traffic. For those of you coming into UMBC from 95, you can appreciate my frustration. I've run the damn thing every time and still haven't gotten caught. But now that I have brakes, it's not as much of a huge issue.
In addition, the school has now put a rumble strip around the loop for one reason or another. I'm a big fan of the rumble strip, don't get me wrong. I think it serves a great and important purpose. Hell, I've found myself drifting over them a few very scary times. But they serve a purpose on like... the Atlantic City Expressway and I-95. I can't really see somebody falling asleep driving around the loop. Were there that many incidences that merited such a development? I guess I just don't get it sometimes.

The office is a fun place to work. Lots of characters around. Geoff and Heidi were having a conversation last week about something which is fairly irrelevant now. But here's how the conversation ended...

Quote Of the Day 10/23/00

Geoff: "You're nuts, Hiedi."
Hiedi: "No, Geoff. You're nuts. In fact, you're the definition of nuts."
Geoff: "I'll show you the definition of nuts..."

It's a wonder he had to go to sexual harassment training classes.

The definition of gimp,
Gimp.

Still Stranded Right Here...

Crazy Bout a Mercury

Crazy Bout a Mercury

Well, I did it. I went out and bought a new car today. Well, not really "new," but more like "different." Like for example, it stops when you step on the brakes, and it probably goes backwards. I'm not sure because I just instinctively pushed it out of the dealership. They looked at me really funny. Anyway, it's a 94 Mercury... something. I forget. It's not yellow. There was nothing yellow in my price range. It must be an expensive color.

I've got to take a moment to say goodbye to the Extendo-Mobile. It might have been a piece of shit, but it had character. The Extendo plates just won't look the same on a maroon hatchback. And it provided me with a lot of material for you guys. This new thing looks to be in decent condition. No missing windows (or directions), 3 functional mirrors, and it even has a cupholder for my McFlurry. But it is a stick, which will be fun with my gimpy brace leg, and once I hit 40, the "check engine" light came on. Which, by the way should say "get engine checked," instead of "check engine." I pulled over and checked the engine myself. It was still there. At least I think that was the engine. Anyway, CarMax told me they'd fix it. They're mailing me a 1x1 inch piece of electric tape tomorrow.

I also want to thank Rich for helping me out by coming with me and Joe for being my phone a friend in Michigan. I actually brought Rich with me because I wanted to see if we could steal a car first. He said something about already on probation or some crap. Good friend he is, eh? Anyway, people ask me what I'm doing with the old car and I really don't know yet. Hadn't thought about it. Some people ask why I didn't try to trade it in. "Because it doesn't stop or go backwards" usually ends that conversation. I didn't want to have to push in into the dealership and haggle about it not having reverse and crap. If anybody wants to try, they can seriously have it. The only other decent idea I've come up with is taking the VID # off the front of the car and rolling it down a hill in the woods somewhere or into a lake or something. Dan then mentioned that there was an internal VID # hidden somewhere on the inside of the vehicle so people don't do that sort of thing. Or at least so they don't get away with it. He also said that he knew somebody who could take care of that for me if I wanted him to. Naturally, I asked how...

Quote Of the Day 10/20/00

"Well, let me put it this way. A friend of a friend knows more about cars than he should.

-Vulture Dan.


Maybe I should have gone to Dan before I went and spent hard earned money on a legally purchased vehicle.

Moving forward but going backward,

Dustin.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Smoking Brakes

Smoking Brakes

My car is at it again. It already doesn't have reverse. This is a very major problem, but I've learned to get around it, at least on a temporary basis. Though it does seem like I've been using that word "temporary" for quite a while now. Anyway, now the front right tire squeals all the time, or at least when the radio isn't on and the window isn't up. Then I really can't tell. Anyway, even more disconcerting is the fact that as of Tuesday, every time I brake, there is a really loud and uncomfortable rumbling noise and the car pulls to the right a little bit. The good news is that these two things are probably the same problem. The bad news is that Good "Mr Car Major Dude" Joe seems to believe that the loud rumbling and uneven braking might "not be so good" for the car. And me.

What Joe seems to think has happened is that the brake pad on the right side has worn away and now the metal pad holder (he used some other term I can't remember now) is now grinding against the metal disc on the wheel that the absentee pad should be rubbing against to stop the car. He suggested I get this one fixed like really soon. And this is coming from one of the only guys that agrees with me that reverse isn't a necessity on motor vehicles. He started saying stuff like how if they get hot enough, they could fuse together and lock up the tire and send me skidding into a wall or another car or something. Now I'm probably scaring the crap out of my mother, so let me just say that I'm not really going to skid into any walls or cars, ma. I think I've calculated the point in which I would brake enough for this to happen, and there's a nice soft guard rail on the 95 exit ramp. Besides, it's likely to catch fire before any of this happens. ;) I'm actually afraid to hit the brakes now. I no longer bother slowing down over speed bumps. It's not worth the risk. And the decision between slowing down to park in a spot or ramming into a tree to stop me is a lot harder to make than it was last week. Also, if there aren't any cars parked on the road and I know I need to stop ahead, I just start ramming it against the right curb and bump, bump, bump my way to a stop. I may not be the smartest of the lot, but I learn how to adapt to car problems like nobody's business.

So the prospect of needing to shell out $300-$400 bucks just to be able to stop got me thinking. I pictured the conversation that would happen between the mechanic and myself when I asked them to fix the brake pad problem, but not to worry about the non reverse problem. That amused me enough to want to try it. But I think I may just call it quits on the Extendo-Mobile and put it to rest with Pimp-Mobile Jr. We'll see what CarMax has in the way of a stopping vehicle that can go backwards, yet still maintains the qualities of forward that my current car has. I don't know if they'll have anything like that in my under $250 price range, but I'll do some haggling. And I'd be willing to throw in an extra $50 if it was yellow.

During this conversation with Joe, we chatted about his job a little bit and I pretended to be interested so as I wouldn't appear like I was just using him for his knowledge of cars and crap. I asked him how work was going, and he replied something to the effect of "ah, it's work." This is approximately where I flaunt to my close friends what I do for a living. My job is such the antithesis of work, and he knows it. From the environment right down to the paychecks. Anyway, I told him that I had hoped he was prepared for the fact that it would be more like work than my job...

Quote Of the Day 10/19/00

"Actually, I got to work the first day and I asked 'Where's the girl's soccer team?' They all looked at me like I was crazy."

-Good Mr Car Major Dude Joe.


Funny thing is, that's actually a question I find myself asking every once in a while.

Desperately seeking brakes,

Extendo.


Still Stranded Right Here...

Showering All Over Again

Showering All Over Again

There are a lot of things that suck about crutches. A lot of people complain a lot about their arm pits chaffing and wrists getting sore. These things didn't really bother me so much. I actually learned a few tricks on the things to aid in my failed quest to get some sympathy bootie. But one day I needed to get a basketball from my car into my apartment. I stared at the problem for about 5 minutes before I realized that there was no real solution. Not at least given the variables I was given at the time. That's the bitch about needing to walk with your hands. You can't carry things. Like basketballs. And ravioli.

A little while ago, I was attempting to go to a party after volleyball practice. Figuring I wouldn't have time to go all the way home and shower, I told everybody and had pretty much decided on my own that I could just take a shower in the RAC at school and head over to her place. Everybody had left practice and I was ready to set the plan in motion when I grabbed a towel and began to crutch into the locker room and remembered I couldn't shower yet. I lacked the ability to stand and had to bathe in order to cleanse myself, and such facilities were not available in the RAC. Cleansing oneself is another shitty thing about crutches. Having realized my error, I drove back home very annoyed, and still quite dirty. I never made it to the party, but I got myself all cleaned up for it.

About a week later, I felt confident enough to try to shower for the first time since the stupid game. Russ was home, so I warned him I was about to try this normally uneventful everyday task. I told him not to take too lightly any violent slipping and falling noises coming from the bathroom. He nodded and understood. I then told him that there was a very huge likelihood that I would be naked, which is about when he cut in...

Quote Of the Day 10/10/00

"...I'll call somebody."

-Russ Dawg


Honestly, the choice between a gruesome bloody death and having Russ see my exposed privates is not an easy one to make. So I gave him a list in order of preference of people I want him to call just in case. Does anybody know Britney Spears' cell number?

Naked and standing upright,

Exposo.


Starting to Still Stand Right Here Again...

Shopped Into Submission

Shopped Into Submission

Well, I'm getting better now. In fact, I might be back in the shoe and walking by the end of the month. This, of course, is my own personal assessment, because I've stopped listening to my doctor. And I'm just not getting anything in the way of sympathy dates. I don't get it! I've even got a cute little blue dog humping my crutch. I must not look pathetic enough or something. Or maybe I'm just too cute that I'm unapproachable. It's probably one of those two things. So before I get completely better, I need to squeeze in all the material I've stocked up about me being injured while I'm still injured. For example...

I went to go get my antibiotics at Giant a few weeks back. I knew we were out of milk and other things, and I had to wait half an hour for my medication anyway. Apparently, taking 30 pills from a big bottle and putting them into a little bottle isn't as easy as I thought. So anyway, I needed to get some stuff. I would normally carry one of those hand baskets around and pile all the crap in there. This is not so easy when you need your hands to walk. So I thought I could just stick my bad foot on the push cart and use it like a skateboard. But because I couldn't put any weight on my left foot, I put all my weight on my arms, which were leaning on the handle of the cart when I pushed off with my good foot. This caused the cart to flip over backwards in not so subtle a way, which in addition to embarrassing the hell out of me, caused me a lot of pain. I was in a really bad position here and I had definitely lost my chance with any chicks in the relative vicinity. If Tony wasn't away for the week, I'm sure there would already be milk and other eating products in the fridge anyway. But relying on Russ to buy food for the apartment would mean I would eat smack ramen noodles and Natural Light until I died or Tony came home. That's when I saw the riding cart...

It seriously took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to use it. I had to take the advice of a 12-yr-old kid who helped his grandpa operate one once, and I'm still not kidding. And I didn't expect them to be like little racing go-carts, but I could have crawled along the floor, pushing my 12 items or less to the cashier a little bit faster. Having suffered enough embarrassment, I opted not to crawl. Though it was embarrassing enough driving around with my milk and Froot Loops in my cart, getting passed by two-legged walking people. I started "accidentally" running into the bastards. And I ran into some cute little freshman chick at the check out line who had seen me fall and asked if I was OK and wanted to know if I needed help carrying my Froot Loops to my car. So I told her to fuck off and to go patronize somebody who gave a damn. I have another theory on why I don't get any sympathy dates.

Well, today is the two month anniversary of that fateful fucking game. I was able to walk just two months ago today. If I hadn't won so many damn games in a row, I wouldn't have still been playing. So indirectly, it was my superior athletic ability that did me in. And one of the questions that most people asked me was if I won the game. I actually didn't know. I remember it was really close and really close to the end. I ran into a guy that I was playing with a few weeks later and asked him if we won...

Quote Of the Day 10/9/00

"Well, everybody kinda stopped playing when you went down... But we was up."

-Chuck (one of the fuckers responsible for this)


Excellent! I did not rupture in vain!

Going out a winner,

Achilles X.


Still Stranded Right Here...